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A woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

Someone anonymously keeps sending me bunches of deheaded flowers.

I think I'm being stalked.

Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of tha...

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Your wife says you never buy her flowers

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is it true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers!

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

Which flowers swear?

Hibiscusses.

Guy comes home with Bouquet of flowers..

Wife says "I guess I have to spread my legs now?"

Guy says "Why? Don't you have a Vase?"

Why do Native Americans hate April?

April showers bring may flowers. And may flowers bring white people

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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

Madonna goes into a flower shop and says, "I'd like to buy some flowers please"

"Orchids?"


"No thanks. Just the flowers."

My ex girlfriend always complained I never bought her flowers

But to be fair, I never knew she sold flowers in the first place

What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

A group of Catholic sisters want to open up a flower shoppe...

...it’s going to be called “Nuns N’ Roses”.

What do you call a flower with no petals?

My bud.

What's the best flower for a boy to give for Mother's day?

Son-flowers of course!

Why do flower merchants refuse to work in two-story buildings?

Because they're floorists.

Children are like flowers.

Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

Where do drunk sea flowers go?

Alcoholics Anemones.

I got really excited when girlfriend asked me to do some edging around her flower garden

Unfortunately her Mormon summer camp experiences were different than mine.

What kind of women get the most flowers on March 8?

The ones who die on March 7.

There was once a big cat that loved flowers so much he became one.

His name was Dan de lion.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

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Giving the wife flowers

Man gives his wife some roses.. later that night his wife gets naked and open her legs .. husband say' " what's that for? " she says for the rose's he says fuck me aint u got a vase !!

My wife got really angry at me for trying to plant flowers on her head.

But I'm sure they'll grow on her.

What do you call a flower that loves little flowers

A Petalfile

A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”



The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen befor...

How does a flower whistle?

Through their tulips.

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"

I said " you don't have a vase?"

-Tahir Bilgic

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

You can't plant flowers....

...if you haven't botany

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

"Dad what is the name of that flower?"

"Well son, that's a rhododendron"

"How do you spell that?"

"On second thought, I think that's a rose"

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

I walked in with a bunch of flowers and my wife said "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister." I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I replied "They're for your sister.”

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife.

"No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I c...

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

What's an amnesiac pirate's favorite type of flower?

Forget-me-knots

You’re like a flower.

You’ll be dead in my living room in two weeks, but you’re staying for three.

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Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an e...

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

What city in Germany is known for the flower scenery?

Bloomberg

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He...

what did the big flower say to the little flower?

Oh hi Bud!

A man is going to buy flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day

There is one other man with him who he starts talking to. "It's so dumb you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die" the other man said. "Yeah, and it's a real shame you have to buy them flowers" he replied.

If you can't decide whether to buy real flowers or fake ones

do you have a floral dilemma?

What would you call someone called Dora who used to be a flower?

Dora the exflora.

Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you h...

TIFU by placing flowers on the wrong headstone in the cemetery

It was a grave mistake

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

What do you call a flower on steroids?

a power plant

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A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

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A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".

The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".

The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears”.

A man comes home from work with flowers in his hand.

His wife looks at him and says “Oh, you show up with flowers and I just bet you expect me to spread my legs for you?”

“Oh, no dear.” He says, “ A vase should work just fine.”

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Did you hear about the kid who killed his dad and fucked his mom at the flower shop?

It was an oedipal arrangement

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh ...

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

Don't ever buy flowers from monks.

Only you can prevent florist friars.

(Sorry if repost.)

What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!

(An original from my 5 year old)

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

You hear about that crazy pickle who thought he was a flower?

What a daffy dill!

What was the name of the Mexican girl that ate flowers?

Rosita.

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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

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Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I've combined the two...

Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.

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I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.

My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."

a Mother has three children.

One day, her first child comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Flower?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a flower fell on your head."

Her second child, Twig, comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Twig?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a...

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

Two older couple were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night!
Old man 2: What's the name of it ?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower called?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. *turn...

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

If April showers bring May flowers, what does April snow bring?

Incredulous Facebook posts about the arrival of spring.

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Flowers Again

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

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What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

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Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything ...

What is the difference between a vegan on a diet and a flower child?

One's a very thin person, and the other is a little hippy.

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