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Flower Jokes

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell, holding a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers."


"Don't be silly," says Paddy... "You must have a vase Somewhere!"

I accidentally sent my ex-girlfriend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, e-daises.

What’s a Christian’s favorite flower? Jesus Rose.

Just wrote this and said it to my wife. She laughed.
Happy Easter y’all!

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

Alyssa: “I’ve had it up to here with you, John! You think I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

John: “You want to know something? I do think you talk like a pirate! And I didn’t even know you sold flowers!

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

Which flower is the clumsiest?

The whoopsy daisy!

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually...

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What kind of flowers do you get someone that's just had a labiaplasty?

Tulips

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.


One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

My wife was very much open to the idea of naming our child after a type of flower.

She wasn’t so happy when I suggested the type should be “self-raising”.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

a guy gives a bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend

she says: "guess I'm supposed to open my legs now?"

he says: "why? don't you have a vase?"

What do you call a flower that grew up in an orphanage?

Self raising flour.

how many lips does a flower have

Tulips

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…

She woke up and chose violets.

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

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What do you call a flower that practices abstinence?

A Fuckmenot

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums……

Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

My wife came home with flowers, shoved them in my face and said "Look, peonies!"

I told her I didn't need to go, and even if I did I'd rather not.

my wife complains that i don't buy her flowers

to be honest, i didn't know she sold flowers

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

two friars lose their job when the church shuts down...

...So they decide to start a flower shop. Business is good 'cause everyone wanted to buy flowers from the "Men of God", so good, in fact, that their competitor florist, Frank, wasn't getting any business. So he heads to the friars shop to bargain. Frank said "hey, could you close down for a while, o...

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

I’ll be here all week folks, try the veal.

What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

Did you hear the one about the dead flower?

I think I should stop telling it, it just makes no scents.

Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist.

'No, just flowers today'.

I wanted to study about the reproductive organs of flowers

... until I learned there was a stigma attached

If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Smallpox.

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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My girlfriend walked in on me having sex with her vase of flowers the other day…

Turns out that’s not what she meant when she said she wanted to put her tulips around my cock

Confused husband

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long s...

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You know that the honeymoon's over

And romance is a dying flower

When she comes in to take a shit

While you are in the shower.

I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers...

My girlfriend is going to love them.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

A man went to visit his elderly parents

He asked his father "How have you been lately?"

The father said "Well, we found a great new restaurant! But I can't remember the name of it- my memory's just not what it used to be. What's the name of that flower, with the thorns, can be red or white or pink..."

"A Rose?" the son sug...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.


The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”


Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For ...

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out “Hey! That’s my grandmothers grave! Your Grandma’s is a few over!”
Startled and embarrassed I answered back “Sorry! I’ve made a grave mistake!”

Two elderly couples get together to play bridge every week.

The ladies are in the kitchen making snacks and the old guys are talking. One says to the other "we went to see a movie last week and it was excellent but I can't remember the name of it. I thinks it's uhhh... what's the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorns?" His friend answers "a r...

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

A guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers

His wife says “I suppose I have to spread my legs now”

“Why?” the guy asks, “don’t you have a vase?”

What's it called when a flower gives head?

Floral.

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Say it with flowers...

Give her a triffid.

Barber and senator joke

The barber comes to the butcher and buys a meat.
Butcher says: it's free. I was buying flower and the florist told me, that he wants to make my day better and offers me this flowers for free. So I decided to make your day better and you'll have this meat for free.
The barber thanks to butcher...

This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower?

Hey bud!

What is the most honest type of flower?

Lilac

What did the seed say to the flower?

Okay Bloomer.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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What did the flower prostitute say to her client?

¨You want floral?¨

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

Which kind of flowers are such excellent talkers?

Tulips. (Because they have two lips.)

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Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

Roses are red, violets are blue.

When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

A single father gets asked by one of his children:

"Dad, why am i called Snowflake?"

Her Dad replies:
"Well, right after you where born on the Mountains, it started snowing and a snowflake landed on your mother's forehead."

The second child asks as well:
"Why am i called Azure?"

The Dad replied:
"When you where born in ...

What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun?

An Ultra-Violet

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What's the similarity between a nice bunch of flowers and a bitch-demon from hell?

One has pretty petals, the other is the British Home Secretary.

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

What is the most uplifting flower?

Arose

Why did the flower go up?

It rose

One day, a group of friars decides to open a flower shop as a way to raise money for their belfry.

Because they are men of God and pillars of the community, the locals start to buy all of their flowers from them. This draws the anger of another local florist, who sees the holy men as having an unfair advantage due to their association with the church.
After making countless attempts to put p...

What is the flower name of Jay-Z?

Day-Z :)

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Ladies night

Two ladies, neighbors, go out for drinks one night. The cocktails taste great and when it’s time to go home they decide to walk as they both had too much to drink. At some point during the walk they both have to pee really urgently. There isn’t a bathroom nearby, but a little later they pass by a ce...

My dad asked how is the letter a like a flower

because a “b” comes after it

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my late mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been shitting on it twice a week.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

A man brings his date a bouquet of flowers....

Her: "Well I bet you expect me to spread my legs now?"

Him: "Uhh....I thought you'd just use a vase."

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

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I got my wife flowers and a dildo for Valentine’s Day.

If she doesn’t like the flowers, she can go fuck herself.

Q: What do you call a flowers political structure?

A: Pollentics

(Please don’t kill me, I made this when I was 11 after a 8 hour plane ride. I was delirious.)

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

A monk was selling flowers on the Playboy mansion grounds and no one but Hef could get him to leave...

Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Ask Rose

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, *"Last week we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it."*

The other man said, *"What's the name of the restaurant?"*

The first man thought and thought and finally said, *"What is the name of that flower y...

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

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A man gets himself a date and decides to surprise the girl with some flowers.

He walks into a flower shop and the florist asks "Hey, what are you looking for, specifically?"

The man says "To have sex"

What did the lady that dislikes flowers and children say?

I don’t like orchids or kids

A father names has 3 daughters named Petal, Flower, and Brick

Petal asks "dad, why was I named Petal?"
He says a petal fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead right after she was born so he named her Petal.

Flower asks "so, dad why was I named Flower?"
He says a flower fell from out of nowhere and landed on her forehead as well right a...

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?

An Oopsie-daisy!

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Name That Restaurant

Two older couples are preparing to go out to dinner. They met at one of the couples home for a pre dinner cocktail. While the two women were conversing in the kitchen, the men were talking in the living room. One man says to the other ‘oh, we went to a really nice restaurant last week, but I can’t f...

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and ...

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

Two friars decide to open a flower shop

The flower shop down the road was furious. They were being under priced at every turn and they were going to go out of business if things kept up. So they hired a group a thugs to go and rough up the shop owners and shut them down. The thugs came back later that day visibly shaken saying the friars ...

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Heavenly pleasure

Jimmy takes the bus to go to work every morning and there is always a beautiful nun sitting in the last row in her traditional costume who captures his attention. One day he gathers his courage and decides to hit on her. So he walks over and gives her some compliments but the nun just keeps looking ...

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it?

It was beyond bee leaf.

I gave my wife a jar of pickles instead of flowers

They say love is brined.

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

What is the most beautiful Italian flower?

The Spaghett-me-not.

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A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”

“Orchids?” asks the florist

“No, just the flowers” he replied

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighborhood, and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at ...

A man who owned a flower shop

He was very successful, had lots of business for many years. Then one day some catholic monks came into town and opened up their own flower shop across from his. It only took a few weeks for the man to lose all his business and nearly go bankrupt. Knowing it was because of the flower shop across the...

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