UPJOKE
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Flower Jokes

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell, holding a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers."


"Don't be silly," says Paddy... "You must have a vase Somewhere!"

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

My wife asked me why I never buy her flowers...

And I was like, you sell flowers?!?

My friend bioengineered a cannabis plant that grows large, colorful flowers.

I got to see it, and I must admit, it was pretty dope.

Which flower is the clumsiest?

The whoopsy daisy!

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers

In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

I’ll be here all week folks, try the veal.

Where did Robin Hood buy flowers?

Sherwood Florist

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually...

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

A bouquet of flowers

A man walks past a flower shop one day and thinks how he never buys flowers for his wife. So he steps in and orders a nice bouquet of flowers.

He comes home, rings the doorbell. His wife opens the door. He hands her the bouquet and she goes wild with excitement! She pulls him in, closes the d...

If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Smallpox.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

How does a flower whistle?

Through its tulips!

What’s a Christian’s favorite flower? Jesus Rose.

Just wrote this and said it to my wife. She laughed.
Happy Easter y’all!

Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

Never buy flowers from a monk...

Remember, only you can prevent florist friars.

Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of tha...

What do you call a bundle of 2,000 flowers?

A 2K (two-quet).

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been going up twice a week to shit on it.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

Was out camping when a monk tried to sell me flowers but I said no.

I like to do my bit to prevent florist friars.

Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist.

'No, just flowers today'.

What did a big flower tell its smaller flower friend..?

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"Hey Bud.."

What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.

a guy gives a bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend

she says: "guess I'm supposed to open my legs now?"

he says: "why? don't you have a vase?"

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

Why do Native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.

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What do you call a flower that practices abstinence?

A Fuckmenot

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What kind of flowers do you get someone that's just had a labiaplasty?

Tulips

What do you call a flower that grew up in an orphanage?

Self raising flour.

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

Did you hear the one about the dead flower?

I think I should stop telling it, it just makes no scents.

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

Why did the flower go up?

It rose

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?

An Oopsie-daisy!

What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop. "Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers." The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?" The brunette replies, "Because now he'll...

What is the most uplifting flower?

Arose

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums……

Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun?

An Ultra-Violet

A guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers

His wife says “I suppose I have to spread my legs now”

“Why?” the guy asks, “don’t you have a vase?”

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and ...

What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man...

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

My wife was very much open to the idea of naming our child after a type of flower.

She wasn’t so happy when I suggested the type should be “self-raising”.

This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower?

Hey bud!

What did the seed say to the flower?

Okay Bloomer.

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What did the flower prostitute say to her client?

¨You want floral?¨

What is the flower name of Jay-Z?

Day-Z :)

This morning my wife walked in and started hitting me with a bouquet of purple flowers…

She woke up and chose violets.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Bees and flowers

As little Johnny had become increasingly interested in the girls over the summer, his mom told his dad he should talk to his son about the flowers and bees and such. Dad obligingly took Johnny fishing, and as they sat quietly by the water, he asked:

“So Johnny, you remember last time we went ...

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

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Someone told me flowers had sex organs...

....what a load of Poppycock!

what did the big flower say to the little flower?

Oh hi Bud!

I wanted to study about the reproductive organs of flowers

... until I learned there was a stigma attached

Friar's Flower Shop

Two brothers, Joey and Jimmy Bagadonuts, owned a flower shop in a small town in New Jersey, and business was great. They were the only game in town, until one day, two friars moved in across the street and opened their own flower shop. Having higher quality flowers, as well as the religious aspect, ...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

What do you call a flower that loves little flowers

A Petalfile

Which kind of flowers are such excellent talkers?

Tulips. (Because they have two lips.)

What is the most beautiful Italian flower?

The Spaghett-me-not.

Flowers

On Valentine’s Day I came home with a dozen roses for my wife. She looked at me and said “so I guess you want me to spread my legs now?”

I said, “well, I kinda thought we’d put them in a vase.”

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

Two older couples decide to go out for dinner.

The two husbands sit in the front seat, and the two wives in the rear. The driver asks "Where should we go"? The other gentleman says "We had some great fish the other day". "Where was that?" comes the reply. The passenger gets a confused look on his face. He thinks for a bit and says "Give me the n...

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My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

Children are like flowers.

Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

A man who owned a flower shop

He was very successful, had lots of business for many years. Then one day some catholic monks came into town and opened up their own flower shop across from his. It only took a few weeks for the man to lose all his business and nearly go bankrupt. Knowing it was because of the flower shop across the...

Two friars decide to open a flower shop

The flower shop down the road was furious. They were being under priced at every turn and they were going to go out of business if things kept up. So they hired a group a thugs to go and rough up the shop owners and shut them down. The thugs came back later that day visibly shaken saying the friars ...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

What flower did Luke have at his wedding?

Dandelorians.

A guy took his girlfriend to prom.....

...He waits in the long ticket line but gets the tickets. Goes to rent a limo waits at the rental line for very long, but rented it. Went to buy flowers for his date, stands in a long line, finally he got the flowers.At prom, she asked him to go get some punch. He went to the refreshment table, and ...

I took photo of my flower.

Now it can photosynthesize.

If you like flowers but don't like gardening

Run over a kid outside your driveway

-Jimmy Carr

What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!

(An original from my 5 year old)

My wife came home with flowers, shoved them in my face and said "Look, peonies!"

I told her I didn't need to go, and even if I did I'd rather not.

My dad asked how is the letter a like a flower

because a “b” comes after it

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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