A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

A man places some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and starts back toward his car when his attention is diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seems to be praying with profound intensity and keeps repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

​

The first man approaches him and says, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve eve...

Children are like flowers.

Apparently you can't pick them at the park.

How does a flower whistle?

Through their tulips.

I told my friend that a girl keeps on sending me flowers with the heads cut off...

He told me I was being stalked.

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife.

"No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I c...

I walked in with a bunch of flowers and my wife said "Ok, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister." I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I replied "They're for your sister.”

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

"Dad what is the name of that flower?"

"Well son, that's a rhododendron"

"How do you spell that?"

"On second thought, I think that's a rose"

What do you call a flower that loves little flowers

A Petalfile

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"

I said " you don't have a vase?"

-Tahir Bilgic

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

What does a flower watch when it is home alone?

Pollination videos.

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

What's an amnesiac pirate's favorite type of flower?

Forget-me-knots

One day, some friars open up a flower shop

Before long, their store attracts quite a lot of customers; after all, who wouldn’t want to buy flowers from men of God? Unfortunately, though, this means that all the other florists in town are being driven out of business. They plead with the friars to close shop or move elsewhere, but they refuse...

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

You’re like a flower.

You’ll be dead in my living room in two weeks, but you’re staying for three.

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

A man is going to buy flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day

There is one other man with him who he starts talking to. "It's so dumb you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die" the other man said. "Yeah, and it's a real shame you have to buy them flowers" he replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an e...

What would you call someone called Dora who used to be a flower?

Dora the exflora.

If you can't decide whether to buy real flowers or fake ones

do you have a floral dilemma?

Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife

"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.", she says. "Why?", he asks, "don't ya have a vase?".

TIFU by placing flowers on the wrong headstone in the cemetery

It was a grave mistake

What do you call a flower on steroids?

a power plant

what did the big flower say to the little flower?

Oh hi Bud!

Did you hear about the flower that had its stamen surgically removed?

It must have been a transplant.

Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you h...

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".

The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".

The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the kid who killed his dad and fucked his mom at the flower shop?

It was an oedipal arrangement

A man comes home from work with flowers in his hand.

His wife looks at him and says “Oh, you show up with flowers and I just bet you expect me to spread my legs for you?”

“Oh, no dear.” He says, “ A vase should work just fine.”

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.

My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

You hear about that crazy pickle who thought he was a flower?

What a daffy dill!

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers.

In my defence I didn't even know she sold flowers.

Don't ever buy flowers from monks.

Only you can prevent florist friars.

(Sorry if repost.)

What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!

(An original from my 5 year old)

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

What was the name of the Mexican girl that ate flowers?

Rosita.

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

If April showers bring May flowers, what does April snow bring?

Incredulous Facebook posts about the arrival of spring.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I've combined the two...

Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

What is the difference between a vegan on a diet and a flower child?

One's a very thin person, and the other is a little hippy.

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower.

He says "Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!"

When a husband brings home some flowers... NSFW

The first lady says: 'My husband brought home some flowers yesterday and so I had to open my legs.'

'Why?' The other lady replies incredulously, 'Don't you have a vase.'

A young man is picking the petals of the flower...

19th century:
"She loves me, she loves me not..."
20th century:
"She'll sleep with me, she won't..."
21st century:
"I'm a man, I'm a woman..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.

My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Flowers Again

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, “Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.”

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...

"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "

"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

What did the flower lady say after being robbed?

I have been deflowered.

What do you call a rapper that really likes flowers?

Day-Z

What kind of flower gets warmer and sweeter as it gets wet?

The two-lip

If I run around pollenating flowers...

Am I a human beeing?

Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world.

Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.

What do you call a guy who dresses up like a flower child?

A transplant

What is a narcissists favourite flower?

Self-raising

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars ev...

What can a happy lion and a flower have in common?

They can both be dandy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monastery opens a flower shop [long]

Outside a large town, a monastery was running out of money. The monks conferred, and decided the best way to alleviate their financial woes would be to use their considerable gardening skills to sell flowers. They used what was left in the coffers to buy a small shop, and opened a store.
After ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone told me flowers had sex organs...

....what a load of Poppycock!