My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”

I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Credit to my 5yo daughter who just told me that one. She can’t read so I’m relatively sure she didn’t find it here.

You’re like a flower.

You’ll be dead in my living room in two weeks, but you’re staying for three.

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife

"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.", she says. "Why?", he asks, "don't ya have a vase?".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What are purple flowers

One day, little Johnny passes by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone. The only phrase Johnny caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Johnny raises his hand and ask...

If april showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?

Pilgrims

A man is going to buy flowers for his wife on Valentine's Day

There is one other man with him who he starts talking to. "It's so dumb you have to spend so much money on something that is just going to die" the other man said. "Yeah, and it's a real shame you have to buy them flowers" he replied.

What would you call someone called Dora who used to be a flower?

Dora the exflora.

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"

I said " you don't have a vase?"

-Tahir Bilgic

How does a flower whistle?

Through their tulips.

TIFU by placing flowers on the wrong headstone in the cemetery

It was a grave mistake

For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep,garden and drive.

I think I'm being stalked.

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an e...

what did the big flower say to the little flower?

Oh hi Bud!

Did you hear about the flower that had its stamen surgically removed?

It must have been a transplant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

What do you call a flower on steroids?

a power plant

If you can't decide whether to buy real flowers or fake ones

do you have a floral dilemma?

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the kid who killed his dad and fucked his mom at the flower shop?

It was an oedipal arrangement

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".

The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".

The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears”.

A man comes home from work with flowers in his hand.

His wife looks at him and says “Oh, you show up with flowers and I just bet you expect me to spread my legs for you?”

“Oh, no dear.” He says, “ A vase should work just fine.”

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...

A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

What's the best way to find out what your friend among the local flowers is doing?

Asking flora friend

What do you call a pink flower that resurrects itself?

A rein-carnation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife asked suspiciously, "Ok, what have you done now?" "I slept with your sister." I replied. "What!? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?!" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

What's better than flowers on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He...

My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

You can't plant flowers...

...if you haven't botany.

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

Don't ever buy flowers from monks.

Only you can prevent florist friars.

(Sorry if repost.)

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

You hear about that crazy pickle who thought he was a flower?

What a daffy dill!

What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

What was the name of the Mexican girl that ate flowers?

Rosita.

My girlfriend is always complaining that I don't buy her flowers.

In my defence I didn't even know she sold flowers.

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

What's a flower plus a t-Rex?

A squished flower!

(An original from my 5 year old)

A group of Nuns opened a Flower Shop.

The Nuns started selling small bouquets, and after some success moved on to larger arrangements. Their business grew enough that they were eventually the only place in a ten kilometer radius to sell flowers; and gathered a monopoly on the market.
One day, a couple of Friars opened another green...

If April showers bring May flowers, what does April snow bring?

Incredulous Facebook posts about the arrival of spring.

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

What do you call a prostitute who plants flowers?

A garden ho

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day

that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

What is the difference between a vegan on a diet and a flower child?

One's a very thin person, and the other is a little hippy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some women like flowers, others like something a little more sexy, so I've combined the two...

Hope my wife likes her daffodildo.

When a husband brings home some flowers... NSFW

The first lady says: 'My husband brought home some flowers yesterday and so I had to open my legs.'

'Why?' The other lady replies incredulously, 'Don't you have a vase.'

A young man is picking the petals of the flower...

19th century:
"She loves me, she loves me not..."
20th century:
"She'll sleep with me, she won't..."
21st century:
"I'm a man, I'm a woman..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

A biology teacher runs into a bank holding a flower.

He says "Everybody on the ground, I have a pistil!"

What did the flower lady say after being robbed?

I have been deflowered.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.

My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."

What do you call a guy who dresses up like a flower child?

A transplant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Flowers Again

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

What do you call a rapper that really likes flowers?

Day-Z

What kind of flower gets warmer and sweeter as it gets wet?

The two-lip

Why couldn't the flower ride its bike?

its petals broke.

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

If I run around pollenating flowers...

Am I a human beeing?

Dandelions are like the homeless people of the flower world.

Give them a little crack and a bit of water and they can thrive anywhere.

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...

"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "

"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

What is a narcissists favourite flower?

Self-raising

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all ...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

What can a happy lion and a flower have in common?

They can both be dandy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monastery opens a flower shop [long]

Outside a large town, a monastery was running out of money. The monks conferred, and decided the best way to alleviate their financial woes would be to use their considerable gardening skills to sell flowers. They used what was left in the coffers to buy a small shop, and opened a store.
After ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great oral sex!

But Oh no! Not my sister!

A man placed flowers on the grave

of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached hi...

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars ev...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone told me flowers had sex organs...

....what a load of Poppycock!

My robust wife is mad at me because I misunderstood her when she demanded flowers the next time we made love....

...and so that night, with a bag of flour in my hands all I said was: "I thought you wanted this to roll in so I could find the wet spot"

April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?

June bugs.

What do June bugs bring? Small grub-eating mammals, wasps, and endoparasitoid pyrgotidae flies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

If you don't know how to answer a question on a flower biology test...

You can always guess the anther

The good thing about necrophilia is you don't need to bring flowers.

Most of the time they're usually already there.

-Goerge Carlin

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep making comments about her height

So when she gets home from work, i’ve got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I’m going to run her a nice hot sink

Flowers

A man walks in to the house with a dozen roses, walks up to his wife and hands them to her. The wife says "Oh, now I guess you expect me to lay on my back with my legs spread." The husband replies, " What, you don't have a vase?"

A boy in high school asks a girl to the prom

Amazingly, she says yes so he has to get everything ready. He goes to the tailor so he can get a suit. Unfortunately, he had to wait quite some time, as there were other people getting ready for their proms. But eventually, he gets his suit.

He then went to the florist. But due to some not th...

A flower shop burst into flame...

It was a florist fire.