UPJOKE
indiacontinentchinaeuropesingaporepakistanafricasoutheast asiamongoliabangladeshsri lankaottoman empirethailandvietnamsouth korea

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Two Students from Asia Came to My High School...

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude's like a math wiz. I'm really struggling, so I ask Ving if he'd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I'm like yeah sure what. He asks me to drive him to the city hall...

Asians are like a box of chocolates...

They will kill your dog

What's the difference between a race across Asia, and one across Europe?

The one across Europe eventually ends because it has a Finnish line

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

There's a country in Asia that has a new use for dogs...

Pets!

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

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A woman meets a panda at a bar and they go back to her place..

They end up in the bedroom and one thing leads to another.

The panda goes down on her while jerking himself off but after only a minute he stands up, ejaculates all over her, then turns around and heads for the door.

"What the *hell*? ..where are you going?" the woman asks.

"You...

My friend drew a map of Asia, but left out Korea

I told him it was a Seouless thing to do

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

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They ask me what a penis from Asia is called

I say “Easy, caucasian”

Deadass spent 4 hours doing a project on youth in Asia

then found out it was supposed to be on euthanasia.

Why are people from Central Asia so obsessed with Eminem?

Because Afghan is stan.

I want to start a organization that supports struggling youths throughout Asia

I wanna call it "Youth'N'Asia!"

My friend asked me if I was going to Asia...

I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

What do you call a boating accident in South-East Asia?

The Thaitanic

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An American man catches an STD while traveling through Asia

After having quite the sexual romp he starts to notice discomfort and discoloration around his groin. Afraid for the loss of his manhood he seeks out an American doctor out there for help.

The doctor looks him over and says "I'm sorry, it's going to need to be removed, it's too far gone"
<...

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

So you know how Asia has a lot of raw food dishes?

Well, this guy walked into an Asian restaurant and ordered the chicken and rice. The waiter then served him his dish.

The guy tells the waiter: “Hey I hope you don’t get angry but, could you cook the chicken at least a little? It’s eating my rice.”

Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshipped parrots.

They were pollytheistic.

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia; Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

I want to start up a business illegally importing woodwind instruments from South Asia

There is a lot of money in sax trafficking.

I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia.

I've since decided to cut Thais with her.

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

My father told me that 65% of the lentils they farm go to Asia.

I asked him if they were ori-lentils.

What is the most popular herb in Asia?

Koreander.

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

On the snowy mountains of eastern Asia, there live a secluded group of monks

Bi-weekly the head monk teaches a class of young monks the way of their order. One particular class began with the head monk explaining that while the world is full of hidden meaning, objects are nothing but themselves, and thus meaningless. The head monk said 'you see children, this vase I hold is ...

Guy needed for joke to work: Name a country in Asia

Neckbeard: M’laysia

P.S
I’m sorry for posting this but it’s just the worst joke I’ve ever been able to think up on my own and I’m sort of proud.

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who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

What's the heaviest soup in Asia?

Wonton soup!

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I was lining up a camera shot in Asia

"Japan?"

No, it was a still shot.

I sent my kids to a Youth in Asia camp.

Still waiting for them to tell me they've arrived.

So a man goes on vacation to Asia...

and while he is travelling in Thailand, he falls in love with a local woman. He decides to take her back to the US with him to get married. They go back to the US and get married. Everyone is happy and healthy. A few years go by, and the man meets one of his friends in a bar. He starts to catch up w...

Did you hear about that boxer who adopted a child from Asia?

It's Mike's Thai Son.

What do asians do when they have an erection?

They vote.

One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.

Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says,...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

I just got back from Asia...

And now I’m disoriented.

I went to a concert in Asia but I didn't enjoy it.

The band was good but the singer poor.

What is Asia's favourite sitcom?

Everybody loves Ramen.

Did you hear about the chicken in Asia that learned how to fight?

His name was Kung POW!

I travelled to Asia with my wife

Came back with 500$

Why don't they have werewolves in Asia?

They get eaten.

I heard that if you buy certain apparel products, you're supporting the enslavement of children in Asia

And to think all these years I've been doing it the hard way!

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A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).

The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."

The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left...

Asia Argento quitting acting

to become projectionist

A man is traveling to the coast of South Western Asia, and he asks his friend if she wants to go with him. She says:

"Yemen, shore."

what do you call somebody who hates shoes from Asia?

A lacist.

Why was Asia mad at the President?

The President kept China in the cabinet.

What happens to a person when they move out of Asia?

They become dis-oriented!

A man throws bears into lakes

A man travels the world, throwing bears into lakes. In Asia, he threw a sun bear into a lake, but all that happened was that the bear became angry. In North America, he threw a grizzly into a lake, and again it was angry. In Europe he threw in a brown bear, and again it was angry. Finally, he went t...

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the pan...

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

An Anecdote from Central Asia

Nasreddin Hodja, a man known for his sharp wit [and constant trolling of everyone around him], had borrowed a cauldron from his neighbor. When he didn't return it for a long time, the neighbor came knocking on the door.

"Hodja Effendi, if you are finished with the cauldron could I take it bac...

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Asian and American Man

Asian guy is having a snack of bread and jam when an American man chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Asian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Asian folks eat the whole bread??"

Asian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Americ...

An architect was exploring Asia

When he found himself lost, he asked a stranger where he was. The stranger replied "Soviet Russia". The architect thanks her and journey to the next archeological site.

He is in a cave, looking for early human marks, when all of a sudden, he sees a round thing with a timer. He realized its a ...

Why did James Brown always tour in Asia?

He loved the Seoul train.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

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Born with no eyelids

( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news)

Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids?

No? It was pretty interesting. So, check it out, this group of missionaries was wor...

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I really wish I was young and Japanese...

It seems like everybody is offering their support to youth in Asia.

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I just love this Amazon echo's capability

I set it up today and said “Dingo took my baby " and got a list of Meryl Streep movies

Then I said “Hello gorgeous ” and got a list of Barbara Streisand movies

Just then my neighborhood kids were running and screaming outside the house

I muttered “Fucking kids”

And a bunc...

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Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, b...

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My grandpa must be really into sex tourism

He keeps going on and on about "youth in Asia."

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and waits to be served.

The owner is confused by the presence of the panda, but decides to provide service just like he would any other customer. The panda orders a meal, eats the meal quietly, and then asks for the check.

As the owner prepares the bill, the panda suddenly pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into t...

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A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do ...

What do you call a female Chinese newborn?

A youth-in-Asia

^(Yes. I'm 100% aware I'm the worst person in history)

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The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers

He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.

I heard that Chinese opium is so strong that it can kill you.

No wonder it's a drug for youth-in-Asia.

I took my sick dog to the vet, and they told me that the best option was for my dog to go live with some children in China.

Although, I'm surprised that he referred to them as the "youth in Asia".

Contender for the worst pun ever (OC)

Meet Desmond. Desmond and his Father are pretty normal people, but they both have Podophobia, the irrational fear of feet.

One day, they both travel to do a tour of Southeast Asia and visit a family friend. As they’re walking about a city, Desmond see‘s a homeless person begging in shabby cl...

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The Chinese take over the world, and start re-organizing the social structure...

They decide that the best way to do things is to separate everyone by race, and keep all white people in Europe and North America, all Asian people in Asia, all black people in Africa, etc.

Now, of course, the issue is that race isn't such a cut-and-dry thing, so after sorting through the obv...

A rich man decides to visit Europe

After a few weeks, he received a message from his butler simply saying, "Your dog is dead." Upon his return, the rich man began to scold the butler for how poorly he had handled the situation. "How should I have handled it sir?" The butler asked.
"Well, you could have started with, your dog is on...

Did you hear about the little boy in China who asked his doctor to let him die?

Talk about a case of Youth-In-Asia.

For some reason the Pope didn't...

sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???

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This horse is sitting at home one day watching MTV;

This is in the 90s where MTV actually had music on it. Anyway, the horse sees a segment on Jimi Hendrix, and decides there and then he wants to become an internationally-acclaimed guitar player (because, as we all know, all horses are left-handed).

So this horse works at this shitty job for a...

What is Donald Trump's opinion on Euthenasia?

"Those Chinese kids are really smart, and really fit. Just look at them winning all these ping pong and badminton tournaments...but they should stay in Asia"

Obama died, and there is nothing to do in heaven, so he decided to visit New York.

He goes into the first bar he see and asks the bartender what's up, how people live, what are the problems, etc. The bartender is asking, surprised:
-what are the problems? Everything around is ours!
-what about Afghanistan, Iraq...
-It's all ours.
-Europe, Africa and Asia? ...

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

A Polish guy finds a lamp buried in the sand

As per usual, a genie comes out and offers him three wishes.

The Polish guy things for a moment and says, "I wish for all of Ghengis Khan's armies to go rampaging across the steppes to the border of Poland, then turn around and go home."

"All right," the genie says, "Done. What's your ...

In America, we hold staring contests.

In Asia, they squint.

My friend told me, "I don't support euthanasia."

I replied, "You should be ashamed of yourself! The young people in Asia deserve as much support as the young people on any other continent."

Why is death rate among 20-25 year-old Chinese people rapidly increasing?

It's just youth in asia.

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Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.

Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

Did you hear the one about those kids in China?

I'd tell it to you but it's a bit insensitive to tell jokes about youth in Asia.

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