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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying?

Mid Life crisis

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A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

We react to a crisis with the utmost decorum.

The shouting and screaming are only coincidental.

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

What do you call a chicken in a mid-life crisis?

Scrambled.

Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

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During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.

It turns out, adulthood is multiple crises, concurrently.

Did you know that dolphins have existential crisis too?

They wonder if their life has a porpoise.

Why was the anti-vaxx's toddler crying?

Mid-life crisis.

I think in a couple of months we're all going to sit back and just laugh at this so-called COVID crisis and say what was the big deal.

Well, not all of us.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

Why did the four year old anti vax kid cry?

Because he was in his midlife crisis.

Q. Why is #Coronavirus like a hostage crisis?

A. Because it leads to the "stock home syndrome".

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

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Prostitutes are afraid for their jobs due to the Corona crisis.

Everyone will be fucked for free.

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

When this crisis is over and you had to choose between a night out drinking with your mates or a romantic dinner with your wife..

Which pub will you be drinking in ?

What will most millenials buy during their mid-life crisis?

Their first home.

An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...

...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.

After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.

When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow....

How do you give a toddler a mid-life crisis?

You tell them they've already had one.

As the virus crisis rages on in Italy, many Italians are considering reverting back to monarchy.

It should be quite easy, seeing as they already have a coronation.

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Jerry F Jr comes home and tells his wife:

My dear, due to the crisis, we will have to cut some expenses, so we will have to fire the cook. You have to learn how to cook.
Okay - answers Becky, the wife - and we can get rid of the pool boy as soon as you learn how to have sex.

A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.

He was having a mid-wife crisis.

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

Boomer midlife crisis: buy an expensive car

My generation's midlife crisis: buy expensive insulin

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

After my existential crisis, I decided to take a job as a feeder at the local dolphinarium

Now I’m serving a youthful porpoise

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

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Chilean joke:

Ok so I don't know if this is known in other parts but the joke goes like this:
A family decided to spent a vacation on a resort located in a jungle, everyone came even their dog.
When they leave their plane has an emergency and fell, everyone does except for the dog, who know is lost and begi...

Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

A joke I heard several years ago...

The former president gives the new president 3 boxes and asks him to open one each time he is in a major crisis.

When faced with his first crisis, he opens the first box and it says "blame it on the previous administration"

When faced with his second crisis, he opens the second box and...

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

What's the difference between CoVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet?

One's a Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis.

Did you hear about the great ginger ale crisis of 1995?

No? I guess it must have been schwepped under the rug..

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What's it called when a teenager going through puberty, can't stop looking at breasts

An eye-dem-titty crisis

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

What do you get when an attractive American woman walks into a room full of Cubans?

A Cuban Missile Crisis

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

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O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

Why did the bodybuilder have a midlife crisis?

He lost his whey

President Trump should go on Sesame Street to explain his actions.

It’s important in times of crisis to hold politicians to account

Crisis in Faith

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

One day my sister was crying

You could really call it a crisis

Mid-life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to rev her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no...

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

Why was the antivaxers 5 year old son so sad?

He was having a mid-life-crisis.

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."

The new manager returned to his ...

Why did the queen felt depressed lately?

Because she is in a midlife-crisis

My wife just went into labor and our doula cancelled on us.

I’m having a midwife crisis.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

We're sorry to announce that April fools has been postponed.

Due to the recent coronavirus crisis, April fools has been postponed to May 1st, 2020.
Thanks for your cooperation.

Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

Crisis averted?

Over the weekend I was sat next to a person eating a bowlful of those really fat pasta tubes in a tomato sauce. As I watched, one got nearer to the edge of the bowl but I couldn't mention it because the person was deep in conversation. I agonised for a few seconds wondering how I could stop a me...

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari. He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.

He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.

All of ...

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My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.

When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting...

A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.

I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"

She said "6"

I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"

She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."

"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you...

My neighbors are worried that I’m having an existential crisis but I don’t know what they’re so concerned about.

It’s not like anything matters anyway.

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But t...

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

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Midlife crisis

A man turned 40 and had the classic midlife crisis. He went out and bought a red convertible sports car. While driving his new car on the highway he decided to speed up and have some fun. Sure enough he heard the siren and saw the flashing lights behind him. In a panic he pushed the gas to the f...

Where does the president go during an immigration crisis?

Hispanic room.

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart th...

As we watched an anti-vaxxer's toddler throw a tantrum, my friend asked "What's his problem?"

"Mid-life crisis", I replied.

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?

UB40

I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

Mmmm. Just learned an interesting fact

So apparently anti vaxxed children have mid life crisis at the age of 2

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.

He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos?

A midlife crisis

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.

On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long h...

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

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Sandwich crisis

3 men sitting on a metal beam at a building site, complaining about their sandwiches, one is English one is Scottish & ones Irish.

Scottish man says "ugh cheese again if I get this tomorrow I'm leaving my wife"

Next day the Scottish man gets cheese and phones his wife saying to pac...

Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

Can't find anyone to help my pregnant wife so i went out and bought a motorbike

My friends tell me I'm having a midwife crisis

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

A man is having a mid-life crisis...

and buys himself a brand new Corvette. He takes it on the highway and immediately gets it up to 100 MPH. Shortly after, he sees a cop in the mirror trying to catch up with him.
The man thinks "I've got a Corvette, there's no way a cop car can catch up to me" so he guns it.
With the cop car fa...

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

What do you call it when an anti vaxxer’s 3 year old daughter has a temper tantrum?

A midlife crisis

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

What do you get when you combine corporate greed, sleazy politicians, and willful ignorance?

A climate crisis!

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a gran...

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During the final moments, Hitler was having an

Axistential crisis.

If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...

You might have an exit-stencil crisis.

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