Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

My neighbor was hit by a financial crisis

He has to eat moldy cheese, drink old wine and drive in cars without roofs.

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph jumps into the deep end and sinks to the bottom and just stayed there..

..Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of this heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged as now she was considered to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news in person. “Edna, I have good news and b...

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

Why’d the dog have an existential crisis after his neutering operation?

He realized that nutting matters.

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

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What does a person with unsymmetrical boobs experience?

Identitty Crisis

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Reddit was down today

**Reddit was down for 2 hours today and I almost went outside and had sex, crisis averted tho.**

What was the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

What's the difference between Romeo & Juliet and Covid?

One is a Verona crisis. The other's a Corona virus.

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Another financial crisis is raging

One banker to another:
- I'm so fucked, gonna lose everything, can't sleep at all, you?
- I sleep like a baby
- How so?
- I wake up crying every half an hour and I shat my bed twice last night

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

My Anti-Vax neighbor's one year old son is so annoying.

He cries all the time, seems like he is going through a midlife crisis.

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

My anti vaxer neighbor's eight year old was throwing a temper tantrum

"Isn't she too old to throw a temper tantrum?", I asked.
"It's not a temper tantrum. It's a mid life crisis."

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

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During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

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A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

We react to a crisis with the utmost decorum.

The shouting and screaming are only coincidental.

What will most millenials buy during their mid-life crisis?

Their first home.

I think in a couple of months we're all going to sit back and just laugh at this so-called COVID crisis and say what was the big deal.

Well, not all of us.

Did you know that dolphins have existential crisis too?

They wonder if their life has a porpoise.

I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.

It turns out, adulthood is multiple crises, concurrently.

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Prostitutes are afraid for their jobs due to the Corona crisis.

Everyone will be fucked for free.

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari. He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.

He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.

All of ...

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

What do you call it when your giving birth but there is no one there to help.

Mid-wife crisis

When this crisis is over and you had to choose between a night out drinking with your mates or a romantic dinner with your wife..

Which pub will you be drinking in ?

How do you give a toddler a mid-life crisis?

You tell them they've already had one.

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

After my existential crisis, I decided to take a job as a feeder at the local dolphinarium

Now I’m serving a youthful porpoise

Did you hear about the great ginger ale crisis of 1995?

No? I guess it must have been schwepped under the rug..

Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to “get down”

If there is a crisis they have to say “Donald, Duck!”

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O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

Mid-life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to rev her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no...

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

Crisis in Faith

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

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My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.

When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting...

A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.

On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long h...

An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...

...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.

After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.

When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow....

A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.

I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"

She said "6"

I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"

She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."

"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you...

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart th...

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Midlife crisis

A man turned 40 and had the classic midlife crisis. He went out and bought a red convertible sports car. While driving his new car on the highway he decided to speed up and have some fun. Sure enough he heard the siren and saw the flashing lights behind him. In a panic he pushed the gas to the f...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful

Hear about the screen printer who misspelled the order of concert posters?

Must have had an extra stencil crisis.

My neighbors are worried that I’m having an existential crisis but I don’t know what they’re so concerned about.

It’s not like anything matters anyway.

Where does the president go during an immigration crisis?

Hispanic room.

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

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Sandwich crisis

3 men sitting on a metal beam at a building site, complaining about their sandwiches, one is English one is Scottish & ones Irish.

Scottish man says "ugh cheese again if I get this tomorrow I'm leaving my wife"

Next day the Scottish man gets cheese and phones his wife saying to pac...

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?

UB40

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition

They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.

Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had ...

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.

He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

A man is having a mid-life crisis...

and buys himself a brand new Corvette. He takes it on the highway and immediately gets it up to 100 MPH. Shortly after, he sees a cop in the mirror trying to catch up with him.
The man thinks "I've got a Corvette, there's no way a cop car can catch up to me" so he guns it.
With the cop car fa...

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a gran...

What was Russia's response to the Ukrainian crisis?

"Crimea river"

Why did the four year old anti vax kid cry?

Because he was in his midlife crisis.

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

A new CEO takes his seat at the helm of a large corporation

He finds three envelopes on his desk, numbered 1 to 3, and a note.

"Dear successor,
On this desk you find 3 envelopes that will help you in times of a crisis. Open them only in the order they are numbered, and only when you face a crisis that you cannot manage.
Best of luck"

...

What do you get when an attractive American woman walks into a room full of Cubans?

A Cuban Missile Crisis

A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.

He was having a mid-wife crisis.

Crisis

Once upon a time, JFK had this Rubik's cube that he was extremely fond of. He was also rumored to be having a rather stormy relationship with a woman named Laura (I'll call her Ms. L). JFK went for a walk with his dog ever day between 10 and 11. One day, when he wasn't home, Khrushchev came in, nail...

Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

I've suffered from identity crisis since I was a little boy.

I mean girl.

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."

The new manager returned to his ...

My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17.

Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

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Some translated Italian jokes on the European immigrant crisis

Venezuela offers refuge to 20k immigrants. *Now I want to see how you even get here.*

France suggests bombing Syria. To drive out the last refugees.

Clashes on the border between Hungary and Serbia. If I were an Austrian archduke, I would stay home.

Merkel: "Refugees will change...

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Jerry F Jr comes home and tells his wife:

My dear, due to the crisis, we will have to cut some expenses, so we will have to fire the cook. You have to learn how to cook.
Okay - answers Becky, the wife - and we can get rid of the pool boy as soon as you learn how to have sex.

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

I Have a Joke About the Palestinian Refugee Crisis...

... But Israeli Bad.

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