UPJOKE
situationemergencyeconomicrecessiondisastercriticalpoliticalthreatslumpturmoilcollapsetroublesuncertaintyeconomyfallout

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...

"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"

Identity Crisis

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

With the cost of living crisis, it has finally happened. The poor are revolting.

No surprise really, given the cost of soap now.

What do you call a midlife crisis convention?

A Corvette lot.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...

... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.

They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

Your sister won't stop crying?

You've got yourself a crisis

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.

We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

A Higgs boson walks into a church, goes into the confessional and tells the priest that he’s thinking of leaving the church

The priest says, “my son, you can’t leave the church!”

The Higgs boson replies “but I must, I am having a real crisis of faith!”

The priest says, “you don’t understand, if you leave then we can’t have mass!”

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It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.


"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.

"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on
and they stayed there.
Tacking th...

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A bed salesman has an existential crisis and sells all of his wares for 100% off.

The sale slogan? “Fuck it, nothing really mattress.”

My neighbor was hit by a financial crisis

He has to eat moldy cheese, drink old wine and drive in cars without roofs.

Did you hear about the existential crisis at Sea World?

Given all the pressure they're under to release their animals, they're fearful of a porpoise-less existence...

I'll see myself out.

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...

Does money even matter?

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.



After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

Why do babies from anti-vax parents cry so much?

Mid-life crisis.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

During Spain's economic crisis, my Spanish uncle started his own honey business.

He named it Big Co Honeys.

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

what happens when the night isn't young anymore?

It goes through a mid night crisis XD

Why Was the Anti-Vaxxer’s Baby Crying?

It Was Having a Mid-Life Crisis.

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

With the rising toilet paper crisis

Does anyone know where to buy 3 premium seashells

Have you heard of the salad crisis in Hungary?

The situation really needs a dressing!

Why’d the dog have an existential crisis after his neutering operation?

He realized that nutting matters.

Gordon Freeman recently turned 45 and started buying loads of retro PC gaming equipment.

He was experiencing a Half Life crisis.

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

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During this crisis, the government is trying to find a way to help the sex worker industry.

The only problem is that they can't work out what to name the help without using the words *relief*, *stimulus* or *package*

Why did the kitty buy a red car?

Because he had a fifth-life crisis

What will most millenials buy during their mid-life crisis?

Their first home.

Why do most obstetricians quit when they're 45?

Because they have a midwife crisis.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

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Another financial crisis is raging

One banker to another:
- I'm so fucked, gonna lose everything, can't sleep at all, you?
- I sleep like a baby
- How so?
- I wake up crying every half an hour and I shat my bed twice last night

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari. He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.

He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.

All of ...

I think in a couple of months we're all going to sit back and just laugh at this so-called COVID crisis and say what was the big deal.

Well, not all of us.

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What's the crisis called when the world runs out of peanut butter?

A Peter Pandemic

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis...

it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless

Did you hear about the great ginger ale crisis of 1995?

No? I guess it must have been schwepped under the rug..

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A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

We react to a crisis with the utmost decorum.

The shouting and screaming are only coincidental.

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

Did you know that dolphins have existential crisis too?

They wonder if their life has a porpoise.

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My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.

When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting...

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart th...

Have you heard about the shampoo crisis in jamaica?

It's dreadful

I used to think that adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong.

It turns out, adulthood is multiple crises, concurrently.

How do you give a toddler a mid-life crisis?

You tell them they've already had one.

When this crisis is over and you had to choose between a night out drinking with your mates or a romantic dinner with your wife..

Which pub will you be drinking in ?

After my existential crisis, I decided to take a job as a feeder at the local dolphinarium

Now I’m serving a youthful porpoise

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Midlife crisis

A man turned 40 and had the classic midlife crisis. He went out and bought a red convertible sports car. While driving his new car on the highway he decided to speed up and have some fun. Sure enough he heard the siren and saw the flashing lights behind him. In a panic he pushed the gas to the f...

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?

What's the difference between Romeo & Juliet and Covid?

One is a Verona crisis. The other's a Corona virus.

A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.

On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long h...

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

As the virus crisis rages on in Italy, many Italians are considering reverting back to monarchy.

It should be quite easy, seeing as they already have a coronation.

Mid-life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to rev her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no...

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Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

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O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

Crisis in Faith

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

My neighbors are worried that I’m having an existential crisis but I don’t know what they’re so concerned about.

It’s not like anything matters anyway.

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

A man is having a mid-life crisis...

and buys himself a brand new Corvette. He takes it on the highway and immediately gets it up to 100 MPH. Shortly after, he sees a cop in the mirror trying to catch up with him.
The man thinks "I've got a Corvette, there's no way a cop car can catch up to me" so he guns it.
With the cop car fa...

Crisis averted?

Over the weekend I was sat next to a person eating a bowlful of those really fat pasta tubes in a tomato sauce. As I watched, one got nearer to the edge of the bowl but I couldn't mention it because the person was deep in conversation. I agonised for a few seconds wondering how I could stop a me...

A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.

I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"

She said "6"

I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"

She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."

"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you...

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?

UB40

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece.

A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a gran...

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The baker crisis

"We are here to address current most urgent issue which many of you complain about. As you all know our baker is literally the worst. I intentionally made this gathering when he is out of town to discuss our possibilites. This is by far the worst bread I have tried and it seems it just won't get any...

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

Update on the crisis at the stair factory

The situation is escalating

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.

He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

Crisis in the middle east

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said: 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

what is a swedish government crisis?

there are 12 ministers in a meeting but only 11 cinnamonrolls

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

Crisis

Once upon a time, JFK had this Rubik's cube that he was extremely fond of. He was also rumored to be having a rather stormy relationship with a woman named Laura (I'll call her Ms. L). JFK went for a walk with his dog ever day between 10 and 11. One day, when he wasn't home, Khrushchev came in, nail...

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

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Some translated Italian jokes on the European immigrant crisis

Venezuela offers refuge to 20k immigrants. *Now I want to see how you even get here.*

France suggests bombing Syria. To drive out the last refugees.

Clashes on the border between Hungary and Serbia. If I were an Austrian archduke, I would stay home.

Merkel: "Refugees will change...

My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17.

Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!

My wife’s obstetrician recently bought a corvette…

She was having a midwife crisis

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

I encountered an eagle with an identity crisis...

He's watching me like a hawk.

I Have a Joke About the Palestinian Refugee Crisis...

... But Israeli Bad.

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What does a person with unsymmetrical boobs experience?

Identitty Crisis

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Reddit was down today

**Reddit was down for 2 hours today and I almost went outside and had sex, crisis averted tho.**

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A man begins to have a mid-life crisis

One night while the man is having sex with his girlfriend he decides that he needs to mix things up. Without saying a word he decides to try anal sex. The man's girlfriend looks up at him with a scowl on her face, "that's a little presumptuous don't you think?" The man angrily replies, "well don't y...

Two time travelers meet at a bar

"So when were you during the great financial crisis?"

midlife crisis questionaire

After years of research, the university of Oxford has finally developed a questionnaire to help men understand if they are suffering from a midlife crisis.

Life sucks?
Job sucks?
Wife doesn't?

My anti vaxer neighbor's eight year old was throwing a temper tantrum

"Isn't she too old to throw a temper tantrum?", I asked.
"It's not a temper tantrum. It's a mid life crisis."

The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to “get down”

If there is a crisis they have to say “Donald, Duck!”

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

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