UPJOKE

Me Neither Jokes

"Do you know the new type of knock knock joke that starts with 'no me neither'?"

"No."


"Me neither."

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”

Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what women say to guys with big dicks?

Me neither

The Pope dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

St Peter says, "Welcome to heaven. As is tradition, you are granted one request upon entering." The Pope responds, "I would like to speak with God." St Peter says, "I'm not sure if God is available, and who exactly are you?" The Pope replies "I'm the Pope." St Peter says, "Doesn't ring a bell. Let m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex?

Me neither!

Have you guys seen that clown that hides from disappointing people?

Nah, me neither

A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer.

Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving."

Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go."
...

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- Will I be OK, Doc?

- I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now.
- I don’t do that Astrology stuff you know.
- Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

did anybody see that hilarious Amy schumer bit?

me neither

Remember When ADHD Was Just ADD?

Me neither.

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The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.

So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,

"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"

The h...

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test...

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

"Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', an...

Did you know protons have mass?

Me neither i didn’t know they were Catholic

Ducking the issue

Him: What kind of duck is that one over there?
Me: Eider, no?
Him: Me neither.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds

"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"

The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.

Some time during, a cop pulls up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men who don’t masturbate in the shower sing. Do you know what song they sing?

Me neither.

Do you know the story about the guy that everyone forgot about?

Me neither

Two mechanics are starting a long work day at the shop. [Long]

Mike: "I ain't feeling like working today."

Sam: "Yeah, me neither."

Mike: "Think I'm gonna head on home."

Sam: "Yeah and get fired."

Mike: "Naw man. Watch this."

Mike: *Proceeds to climb up the tire rack, up to rafters where he hangs upside down by his legs, wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute that got arrested for having sex with Pennywise?

Me neither, but I heard she had it coming.

Do you know how much a chimney costs?

Me neither but I bet it's through the roof!


Just kidding, it's on the house.

Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense?

Me neither, but I keep trying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence?

Yeah, me neither

Have you ever heard of the kid who got lost mid sentence?

Me neither

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

Do you want to hear a math joke?

Me neither.

A father meets his son’s teacher.

« Sir, I’m afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.

« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father

« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »

« Yeah, that’s a math test, duh. There’s only one good answer, right? »

« In...

Have you heard about the champion of hide and seek?

Me Neither

Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom?

Me neither, the door was locked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer and his dog are riding back home on a donkey pulled cart.

They reach a hill and the tired donkey is struggling to go up. Annoyed by this, the old farmer pulls out his whip and hits the donkey to make him go faster. However, the more the old farmer whips, the slower the donkey gets. Stuck in a frenzy, the old farmer continually yells and whips the donkey. S...

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

You know that feeling you get when you finally post OC on reddit?

Yea me neither.

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery?

Yeah, me neither.

Two nuns are bicycling down a street and one nun says, "I've never come this way before."

Other nun says, "Meh, me neither. Must be the cobblestones."

Ever hear the one about the guy who played a foot long piano?

Me neither, there's nothing funny about a twelve inch pianist.

Wanna hear a joke about drilling a beautiful hole to the center of the Earth?

Me neither. It's probably a pretty boring pun.

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

Did anyone hear about the scandal in North Korea?

Me neither

You know what's funny about anti-jokes?

Me neither.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what "clitoris" is in French?

Me neither, but I had it on the tip of my tongue yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the NAZI who helped the old woman cross the street?

Me neither, theyre all dicks

Have you seen that new film about a tractor?

Me neither, just saw the trailer.

Did you hear about the honest, trustworthy politician that recently had his constituents best interests in mind?

Me neither.

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