A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

3 people applying for a job at the CIA to be a spy

They were each handed an envelope which says DO NOT OPEN. And were given an instruction to go to the elevator and proceed to the 7th floor

The first and second applicant followed the instruction.

The 3rd applicant headed to the elevator, and when the elevator door closes, his curiosit...

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

Why did the spy cross the road?

Because he was never really on your side.

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President.?"

When Trump is outed as a Russian spy...

Can we call him Agent Orange?

What's another word for a Canadian spy?

A double Eh 'gent

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

I just caught a gorilla spying on me.

I said “there is no need to pry mate”

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

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What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?

“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

Did you hear about the spy who trashed a kid's birthday party?

He was a good anti-caking agent

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

How do you know someone’s a Russian spy?

They’re Putin on an act.

What does a russian spy and a teenager have in common

They both have erased history

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

Huawei denies spying accusations

The recently launched model 5PY-2020 sELECT it’s perfectly safe.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad....

Dad went off to buy a beer and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mother looks away and mutters, "oh, don't worry about that, that's ...

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

The real enemies are the friends we make along the way

Specially if you are a spy

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

I've heard there is a guy in our block who is spying on his neighbors.

That's nonsense, I would have noticed that long ago.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.

Spy A says to the other

"Whatever you do, dont say a word"

A few seconds later Spy B said

"Fdugyop"

The Spy A looked at Spy B and said

"what did just say?"

Spy B replied

"Oh when w...

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back i...

My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

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A Bulgarian spy is caught by the Russian KGB.

They ask him what were the procedures of the Bulgarian agency. They torture him for two weeks but he tells them nothing. On a spy exchange he returns home and his comrades ask him what happened. He said "You'd better start learning the procedures or they'll beat the shit out of you!"

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

[politics] If Donald Trump was a spy, what would his code name be?

Agent Orange.

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

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So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss and two Russian oligarchs walk into a bar. The bartender says...

"You guys must be here to talk about adoption."

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead undergo spy training

The pass all test with ease, and score top marks on all exams. Finally, after an easy year of training, they are told to go the headmaster's office, James Bond himself. "First of all, congratulations for you excellent grades in all classes, he said, but you have one final exam to pass. In the room b...

Me and my friend went to spy on women

We saw a girl naked and after a few seconds my friend randomely got up and ran away. I chased after him and once I caught up with him I asked him "Hey why are you running away?!" He said "my mom told me when I was a kid that if I ever spied on women I would turn to stone, and I felt something gettin...

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one.

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

SPY FACT:

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

On a trip to Russia.

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bun...

There was a spy that was into Bondage.

James, Bondage.

Harry Potter's invisibility cloak was very effective for spying on the women of Hogwarts

They never saw him coming.

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

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Soviet spy comes to a cafe and orders tea

Starts drinking it, when a waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must be russian spy. — How did you find out? — You put sugar with the spoon, but left the spoon in the cup. Only russians do that.

Next time the spy walks into the cafe, orders tea, put sugar, doesn't put the spoon in the cup. Waiter c...

An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to Fr...

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

What item of clothing is essential for a spy?

Sneakers

A Chinese spy wearing a tuxedo walks into a Russian bar.

He says to the bartender, “The name is Wong. Li Wong. I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

“Gin or vodka?” Asks the bartender.

“Surprise me.” Replies Li.

The bartender makes the martini, gives it to Li and says, “If you can guess the name of the alcohol, it’s on th...

Who is both a knight and a spy?

Sir Veillance

The Irish Spy

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll a...

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

Boy : My dad told me you are spying on us ?

Mark Zuckerberg : He is not your Dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Americans spy in Soviet Union

1960's. CIA decided to send the most advanced spy into Soviet Union. They trained him for 15 years in how Soviets Lived, 10 years in Russian, so he was completely fluent, another 5 years in Russian customs traditions. According to everyone in CIA, this guy was UNDETECTABLE. After US president wishes...

American spy was sent to the USSR.

In order to create the perfect spy to infiltrate Moscow.

The plan was simple, order a votka in a local bar and see if they realize you are not Russian.

After a week of preperation they go to a small bar in the country side. The American ask for a votka, the bartender pours votka and sa...

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

What do you call a flower that is also a spy?

A plant

An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school.

He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anything but he hears the doctor's voice. "It's a ...

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