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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

Indian army have arrested a pigeon - on suspicion of being a Pakistani spy

Apparently he was trying to stage a coo

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Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

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An American spy goes to Russia

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

My wife thinks I should become a spy...

She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee.

So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and effici...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

A Titan captures 26 Spies of his enemies. Each Spy is given 2 names: They are numbered from 1-26 and are given the alphabet with respect to their numbers. He then proceeds to eat all but one to prevent information from leaking out (He executed that spy). Which spy and why?

Spy#3. He was Spy-C.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

Why did the spy cross the road?

Becouse he never realy was on your side.

What did the spy say to his informant in the cornfield?

Careful there are ears all around us

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It was WW2 and a German man was being interrogated in case he was a German spy. He was asked “what do you think of nazis?” He replied “they are gay” he was then asked “what do you think about Winston Churchill?”

The man replied “he is very sexy” he



He was later executed

What does a spy do when they go to bed?

They go under cover

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An American spy secretly listens to Hitler and his Japanese dog

Hitler loved dogs, and during his alliance with the Japanese, he decided to get a Japanese dog.

As Japanese people know, in Japan, dogs say "wan" instead of "woof".

Once Hitler received his Japanese dog, he decided to have a conversation with the dog. Unknown to Hitler, an American spy...

With everyone quarantined and staying inside, there is no one out to spy on or follow around...

The stalk market is very weak.

A Russian, A Communist and a Spy Walk walk into a bar

he orders a drink

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A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you Mr. President.?"

When Trump is outed as a Russian spy...

Can we call him Agent Orange?

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

What do you call a janitor that works at a spy headquarters?

A sweeper agent

My friend asked why I always talked quietly. I told them it was because I didn't want corporations spying on me.

They laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to Earth.
So Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the Devil informs him that...

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

What do you call a spy in a bath tub?

Bubble 07

We shouldn't worry about our phones and TVs spying on us.

However, our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years now.

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Did you hear about the spy who shit his pants by the end of his mission?

He had to debrief.

My Hungarian boss' favorite joke

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he'...

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A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

3 people applying for a job at the CIA to be a spy

They were each handed an envelope which says DO NOT OPEN. And were given an instruction to go to the elevator and proceed to the 7th floor

The first and second applicant followed the instruction.

The 3rd applicant headed to the elevator, and when the elevator door closes, his curiosit...

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?

“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

What does one call a dutch spy who specializes in chemical warfare?

Agent Orange

The rowing team

Yeshiva University had a rowing team, and every meet they came in dead last. Meet after meet, last, last, last. It was horrible. So they decided to send a spy to Harvard to see how they trained.

When the spy returned from Harvard the entire team gathered around to hear the report.

"Wel...

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

Area 51

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and h...

I just caught a gorilla spying on me.

I said “there is no need to pry mate”

How do you know someone’s a Russian spy?

They’re Putin on an act.

What's another word for a Canadian spy?

A double Eh 'gent

Huawei denies spying accusations

The recently launched model 5PY-2020 sELECT it’s perfectly safe.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.

We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

What does a russian spy and a teenager have in common

They both have erased history

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.

Spy A says to the other

"Whatever you do, dont say a word"

A few seconds later Spy B said

"Fdugyop"

The Spy A looked at Spy B and said

"what did just say?"

Spy B replied

"Oh when w...

My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back i...

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in f...

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

I've heard there is a guy in our block who is spying on his neighbors.

That's nonsense, I would have noticed that long ago.

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

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A Bulgarian spy is caught by the Russian KGB.

They ask him what were the procedures of the Bulgarian agency. They torture him for two weeks but he tells them nothing. On a spy exchange he returns home and his comrades ask him what happened. He said "You'd better start learning the procedures or they'll beat the shit out of you!"

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

Who is both a knight and a spy?

Sir Veillance

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

SPY FACT:

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

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So I hear the Chinese like spying on our mobile phones.

At least someone out there will be impressed with the size of my penis.

A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss and two Russian oligarchs walk into a bar. The bartender says...

"You guys must be here to talk about adoption."

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead undergo spy training

The pass all test with ease, and score top marks on all exams. Finally, after an easy year of training, they are told to go the headmaster's office, James Bond himself. "First of all, congratulations for you excellent grades in all classes, he said, but you have one final exam to pass. In the room b...

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