This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

I'm writing a Bollywood take on a spy movie, about a taxi driver who's really an undercover agent.

His catchphrase is, "the name's Shaw - Rick Shaw".

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back i...

An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

At the hospital on the battlefield

A severely wounded General was carried in. The doctor immediately started operate on the general in attempt to save his life.

During the surgery, the nurse had an uncanny face and acted odd. All of a sudden, the nurse took out a knife and stabbed the doctor. While crying, the nurse said, "I'...

What do you call a courteous spy?

A gent

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar

Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Bulgarian spy is caught by the Russian KGB.

They ask him what were the procedures of the Bulgarian agency. They torture him for two weeks but he tells them nothing. On a spy exchange he returns home and his comrades ask him what happened. He said "You'd better start learning the procedures or they'll beat the shit out of you!"

2 spies in an interrogation room

The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.

Spy A says to the other

"Whatever you do, dont say a word"

A few seconds later Spy B said

"Fdugyop"

The Spy A looked at Spy B and said

"what did just say?"

Spy B replied

"Oh when w...

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

[politics] If Donald Trump was a spy, what would his code name be?

Agent Orange.

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss and two Russian oligarchs walk into a bar. The bartender says...

"You guys must be here to talk about adoption."

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead undergo spy training

The pass all test with ease, and score top marks on all exams. Finally, after an easy year of training, they are told to go the headmaster's office, James Bond himself. "First of all, congratulations for you excellent grades in all classes, he said, but you have one final exam to pass. In the room b...

Where does a spy sleep?

Under covers.

My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

Why did the spy crossed the road?

He never really was on your side

SPY FACT:

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

Me and my friend went to spy on women

We saw a girl naked and after a few seconds my friend randomely got up and ran away. I chased after him and once I caught up with him I asked him "Hey why are you running away?!" He said "my mom told me when I was a kid that if I ever spied on women I would turn to stone, and I felt something gettin...

There was a spy that was into Bondage.

James, Bondage.

A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you?

Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.

A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.

He had to return home empty handed.

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Soviet spy comes to a cafe and orders tea

Starts drinking it, when a waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must be russian spy. — How did you find out? — You put sugar with the spoon, but left the spoon in the cup. Only russians do that.

Next time the spy walks into the cafe, orders tea, put sugar, doesn't put the spoon in the cup. Waiter c...

A Chinese spy wearing a tuxedo walks into a Russian bar.

He says to the bartender, “The name is Wong. Li Wong. I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

“Gin or vodka?” Asks the bartender.

“Surprise me.” Replies Li.

The bartender makes the martini, gives it to Li and says, “If you can guess the name of the alcohol, it’s on th...

American spy was sent to the USSR.

In order to create the perfect spy to infiltrate Moscow.

The plan was simple, order a votka in a local bar and see if they realize you are not Russian.

After a week of preperation they go to a small bar in the country side. The American ask for a votka, the bartender pours votka and sa...

The Irish Spy

The CIA lost track of its operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll a...

What item of clothing is essential for a spy?

Sneakers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Americans spy in Soviet Union

1960's. CIA decided to send the most advanced spy into Soviet Union. They trained him for 15 years in how Soviets Lived, 10 years in Russian, so he was completely fluent, another 5 years in Russian customs traditions. According to everyone in CIA, this guy was UNDETECTABLE. After US president wishes...

What do you call a spy that sell apples?

An in cider

An American spy turns himself in to the KGB

A man came to Lubyanka (KGB building) and says:

“I am an American spy, I want to turn myself in.”

The KGB officer on duty tells him, “CIA? Well then, go to the fifth room.”

He went to the fifth room, and told the officers there: “I am an American spy, I want to turn myself in.”<...

Have you heard of the piano-playing spy?

Neither have I. He's very low-key.

An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school.

He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anything but he hears the doctor's voice. "It's a ...

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What's it called when a spy gets a sex change and then goes out on a job?

A transmission

(Be kind I made this up in like 2 minutes at work)

What do you call a flower that is also a spy?

A plant

The Indian Spy training University is very effective

Even the food has spice in it..

A friend of mine was given a new iwatch but he was suspicious someone was using it to spy on him.

Ever cautious he told me he likes to keep it at arms length.

Why would Italians make a faithful spy?

Because they won't utter a word when their hands are tied.

Who is both a knight and a spy?

Sir Veillance

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The well trained nazi spy arrives to Britan in 1943.

He walks int a bar and says:- Two Martinis please?- Dry-asks the bartender-Nein zwei!!!!- Shouts the spy

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar..

He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"

Officials suspect someone on a flight is a Russian spy

But all the passengers appear to be American tourists returning from abroad. One by one they are taken in for questioning.

"But I swear I'm an American citizen!" the last passenger protests.

"It's a simple test," the official tells him. "Just read what's written on this card."

...

What's Canada's spy agency?

The CI, eh?

Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.

After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar stor...

Why would Groot make a terrible spy?

Because he's an obvious plant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A spy agency was doing interviews for candidates...

The interviewer says to the man, "You have one last task. Take this gun, and go through the door to your right and shoot your wife." Moments later the man comes back through the door and says he couldn't bring himself to do it. He then promptly leaves. The next man came in and was told to do the sam...

Italian spy joke

A German spy, Italian spy, and Russian spy are all caught while on duty and are going to be interrogated. They are being held in a prison cell with no windows and barely any food. The German spy goes first. He is sat down in a chair with his hands tied. He resists being tortured for 2 hours, before ...

What do you call a spy in debt?

Bond. James' Bond.

A king suspects one of his counts is a spy...

He summons the count to the public square, where the cloaked headsman already awaits with his gleaming axe. The terror-stricken count falls on his knees and begs, "My king! Surely there is some mistake! What is the meaning of this?" The king replies, "I know you have been spying for one of our enem...

An American spy on Russia has just leaked confidential information regarding their government

[deleted]

There's a French spy, a Russian spy, and an Italian spy...

who are assigned to work as a team. On a particular mission, they are captured, blindfolded, and are placed in a cell together.

A man tells the spies that they will be tortured until they confess everything they know.

The Frenchman is called out first. He is put on a chair, his hands t...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...

The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.

The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."

The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"

The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette th...

A Russian spy ship was spotted off the U.S coast...

But don't worry - they're just keeping an eye on their investment

What did the mom say when she found out her son was going to be a evil spy?

Abort mission!

Three spies are captured in london

One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with th...

Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond.

The Irish Spy

A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises
slowly over Moscow'.

The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 ...

I didn't believe it when they told me the government had accidentally opened a portal to another dimension while trying to spy on the Russians...

But I guess stranger things have happened.

Schooltrip

Schooltrip to Facebook HQ, questions time. Kid: Mark, my dad says, that you spy on people. Is that true? Mark: he is not your dad.

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."


"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."


"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"


"The usual? You know...

The Spy Test

Three candidates for being a spy are given the final test. Each one is given a gun and taken to a house with orders to kill whoever is in there. Unbeknownst to the candidates, at that house is each candidate's wife and the gun is filled with blanks.

The first candidate goes in and the spy m...

What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?

An essay.

A man hails a cab...

...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messe...