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Missing Jokes

My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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A 21-year-old Texan was still a virgin, so he travelled to a brothel in Dallas to see what he’d been missing.

He got the address of a reputable place and in no time at all he was in bed with an attractive hooker. She sensed he was inexperienced, so she took his hand and placed it on her money maker. “Is that what you’re looking for?” He said “I don’t know ma’am. I’m a stranger in these parts.”

The missing earring

A police officer, on his nightly patrol, sees a woman staring at the sidewalk and wandering in circles. He walks over to her and says, "Can I help you?"

"I lost an earring," she replies, showing him the other one.

After helping her look for twenty minutes, he asks, "Are you sure you lo...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

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The minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won't make any difference.

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What's missing at the end of every porn DVDs?

Gag Reels

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but...

Why was Mario’s kart missing?

It was Toad.

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3 Missing Toes

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhil...

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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing examinations?

Because they're used to taking makeup tests.

Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?

The Police have no lead.

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

What do you call a bear missing an ear?

A b

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

Missing puzzle piece

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.

A woman's husband dies, and she spends many years as a widow, missing him terribly.

In time, she too passes away, and is excited to see her husband in heaven.

She runs up to him, ready to give him a big hug, saying, "I've missed you so much!"

The husband says, "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. The deal was 'til death do we part.'"

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger’s cat

It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.

Did you hear about Schrodinger's missing luggage?

It was an open and shut case.

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

Missing

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, we...

I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

The IT guy at work has been missing for the past few weeks.

He must have..ransomware.

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Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

The Zamboni driver went missing.

We're hoping he'll resurface.

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

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The missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to q...

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

I was on a date recently with a girl who told me she was missing her big toes.

I ended it on the spot. I'm lack toes intolerant.

What do you call a man missing his left leg and a woman missing her right leg?

Solemates

Missing someone is a terrible feeling

Ask any sniper

What did the town crier say when the knight’s attendant went missing in the afternoon?

Its 4:04, page not found!!

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he di...

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month," the man replies. "Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well," says the man, "until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."

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Have you heard that a viagra shipment has gone missing?

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

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The Missing Cock [nsfw]

The village priest went out to collect his freshly laid eggs on Sunday morning and realised his cockerel was missing.
At morning service he decided to ask his parishioners if they had seen it.
"Has anyone got a cock?" the priest asked.

All the men stood up!
"No, no," said the priest,...

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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,

and the car drives itself back to the dealership.

Hey guys have you seen Miss Singh

I was looking for her and now think she's Missing

Cats don't go missing

They take time off from you.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

My new coworker is missing some toes. I dont like him.

I am Lacktoes Intolerant.

Why aren't cosmetic students afraid of missing their exams?

They love make up tests!

So Prince Andrew is missing the celebrations due to Covid

A spokeman has said he just had a minor tickle.

What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?

A quarterback

How to you call a pig missing both hind legs?

A ham-putee.

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

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I was so angry when I found out that one of my trucks carrying fertilizer went missing last night.

I lost my shit.

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Hearing Aid Missing

An old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Crap!,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

When a Tyrannosaurus Rex went missing from a Zoo meant for Dinosaur...

It was reported to be "**Armed & Dangerous**".

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

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My doctor told me that his research on intestinal flora could be close to curing depression, but that they were missing samples.

And I gotta tell you; for the first time in my life, I actually gave a shit.

What's missing from tonight's presidential debate?

The laugh track.

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