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Mechanics Jokes

Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are ~~German~~ American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

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There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Pau...

I’m an expert on quantum mechanics.

Until you ask me why I’ve murdered so many cats.

How many mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but they will charge you $200 for the labor and "find" something wrong with your ceiling fan.

Where do Mechanics go after work?

The universal joint

Two mechanics are starting a long work day at the shop. [Long]

Mike: "I ain't feeling like working today."

Sam: "Yeah, me neither."

Mike: "Think I'm gonna head on home."

Sam: "Yeah and get fired."

Mike: "Naw man. Watch this."

Mike: *Proceeds to climb up the tire rack, up to rafters where he hangs upside down by his legs, wit...

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of g...

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

Why are KKK members terrible mechanics?

They never check under the hood.

What do mechanics call one night stands?

Nuts & bolts

A Penguin walked into a mechanic

Said, "there is an issue with my car." Mechanic said, "give me an hour I'll check it out, why don't you go across the street and get something to eat?"

The penguin walked across the street and ordered a large ice cream. Because of having no hands he just used his flippers. After about an hour...

Why would Train Mechanics be really good Philosophers?

Because they're always dealing with a trolley problem

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

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How do you tell if a mechanics had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean

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Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

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Why are Mechanics Good at Cunnilingus?

Because they are used to dealing with things under the hood

Why do babies make bad mechanics?

They have poorly developed motor skills.

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I've just driven past Mike + The Mechanics' broken down tour bus.

Lying bastards.

Two airplane mechanics

Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothin...

What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time?

Quantum Mechanics.

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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

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How do you know car mechanics are horny?

They're always jacking off!

Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ?

Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.

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So my wife is a sex addict and just as into mechanics

When we split she went f*cking nuts

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

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Two quantum mechanics professors had sex

They must have had physical chemistry.

I’ve been looking into the differences between propeller mechanics and human anatomy lately;

And I’ve gotta say: I’m not a fan.

What do you call a person who studies about the mechanics and interactions of poo?

A fecesist.

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