Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

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I've just driven past Mike + The Mechanics' broken down tour bus.

Lying bastards.

Two mechanics are starting a long work day.

Greg: "I don't feel like working today. I think I'm going to get myself sent home early."

Al: "Just how do you think you're going to do that?"

Greg: "Watch me."

Greg climbs up the tire rack, and hangs upside down from the rafters with his arms spread out.

Just then the sh...

What do mechanics call one night stands?

Nuts & bolts

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

I’ve been looking into the differences between propeller mechanics and human anatomy lately;

And I’ve gotta say: I’m not a fan.

Somewhere in a back road

My vehicle stopped working. I open the hood to see if I could see any trouble. While I was looking into the motor, I heard a voice and said "it's the distributor, you have a bad one" I responding while trying to see who said that "do you really think so?" But there was nobody there except a white ho...

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A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

What do you call a person who studies about the mechanics and interactions of poo?

A fecesist.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

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How do you tell if a mechanics had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean

A man is having issues getting his van to start

So he googles mechanics in his area.

He stumbles upon this one called Vincent's Van Repair.

"Hmm, I've never heard of this one but they do on the spot repairs so it's probably my best bet"

He calls them the next morning and the mechanic comes to his house around 11am.

He ...

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

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So my wife is a sex addict and just as into mechanics

When we split she went f*cking nuts

Why do mechanics hate funny cars?

Because they only tell knock-knock jokes.

I wasn't allowed to speak at a university conference about jump mechanics in video games..

..due to no platforming.

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

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How do you know car mechanics are horny?

They're always jacking off!

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Why are Mechanics Good at Cunnilingus?

Because they are used to dealing with things under the hood

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught

do you screw, nut, and bolt?

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