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A fireman and his wife (NSFW)

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.

Bell 3 rings and we jump on the trucks."

"From now on," he continues, "we're go...

What’s a fireman’s worst enemy?

Crazy wet hoes.

What did the fireman say to the clumsy baker?

Stop dropping rolls

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?”

At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are:

\--I want to become a pilot!

\--And me – a fireman!

Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!”

The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice:

\--Why so?

L...

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

Fire

A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

What do you call a fireman without a hose?

A firewoman!

Did you hear about the Mexican fireman who had twins?

He named them Josè and hose b

What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning strip club?

Where my hose at?

What is the worst thing that can happen to a fireman ?

To be fired.

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

I grew up thinking my dad was a fireman

Then I realised he was just an arsonist

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

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a man is drinking in a bar, when a fireman walks in.

"The usual cocksucker" the barman calls out.

"hey cocksucker, hows it going? " another customer calls out

Then the waitress says "hey cocksucker, nice to see you"



The guy turns to the fireman and says "Hope you dont mind me asking, but why do they call you cocksucker"...

A man is out jogging

And man is out jogging and he sees a kid approaching in the distance.

As they get closer, the man can see the kid is in a little red wagon and is getting pulled by a dog.

As they get even closer, the man can see the kid has a fireman's helmet on.

Just as they were about to pass,...

A fireman kicks down the door of a house and carries the family out 1 by 1, but there is no fire. A week later the building catches ablaze.

He suffers from premature evacuation.

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A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before

The first one said " I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That's easy ... his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like like smoke." The second one said "I had a policeman ... "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He p...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

Saw a little boy dressed as a fireman being pulled in his wagon by his dog.

I saw a little boy dressed as a fireman being pulled in his wagon by his dog. I told the little boy " you know he'd probably go a lot faster if u tied the rope to his neck instead of his balls" the kid looks at me like im a complete idiot and says "But then what would I use as a siren?!"

If a fireman offers you two ways to escape your burning house...

...always take the latter.

They call me fireman

Cuz I turn on the hoes

Did you hear about the fireman who was hurt rescuing a cat from a tree?

He went out on a limb.

What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire?

Holy smoke!

A fireman is at the station house

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says, "Hey little girl. Wha...

A fireman was working outside the station...

A fireman was working outside the station when a little girl wearing a firefighter's helmet rolled up in a wagon that was decked out like a firetruck, complete with a stepladder hanging from the side and a garden hose coiled up in the middle. Pulling the wagon were a dog and a cat, each tethered by ...

A fireman decides he needs to spice up his marriage...

...so he tells his wife that he has an idea. He tells her that when he gets home he will announce a 'one alarm.' He will say 'one alarm, one alarm' and they will kiss passionately. Then the firefighter tells her that he will say 'two alarm, two alarm' and they wil take off all of their clothes on th...

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A little boy lived next door to a fire station...

He would watch in awe as the fire trucks left the station with sirens blazing. The kid decided he was going to become a fireman. So he grabbed his radio flyer and stuck a makeshift ladder on it. Then he found a piece of old garden hose. He was well on his way. He remembered his plastic fireman's ha...

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Three friends, a cop, a fireman and a sanitation worker were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will b...

What is a fireman's greatest dream?

A wet dream.

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A Fireman See's a Little Girl

that has her own homemade firetruck with her dog and a red wagon.He says to the little girl, "That's a nice looking firetruck little missy!" She then says, "Thank You!" He keeps checking it out when he notices that the rope that's tied to the wagon is tied to the dogs testicles.He tells the little g...

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Sunday School

Sister Mary Francis asked each of her young charges to tell the class what they want to do when they grow up.

Johnny says "I'm going to be a policeman." "Very good," say Sister Mary Francis.

Peter says "I'm going to be a fireman." "Very nice," says the nun.

Then Mary stands up, ...

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A fireman and his wife...

Sitting and talking about how to overcome their insecurities when wanting to have sex. Fireman says to his wife, "When you want to have sex say 'Bell1' and I'll carry you upstairs. Say 'bell2' and I'll take off my clothes and say 'bell3' and I'll make love to you all night."
His wife agrees.
...

The Fireman's bell system.

A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.

He also told her he wanted to us...

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A man goes to a costume party

Wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman says,

“What are you supposed to be?”

“I’m a fireman,” the man replied.

“But...you’re only wearing a glass jar”, the woman confusedly said.

“Exactly. In case of emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I’ll come as fast as I can...

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It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

A guy is eating breakfast with his wife....

When he hears a knock at the door, he gets up and opens the door and sees two people


"You need to be saved!" the first person at the door says

"Get outta here with that bullsh\*t" the guy says

"But sir, if you don't get saved, you'll burn!" the second person says

"I...

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman sa...

What did the Pikachu say to the fireman?

"Pikachu"

A young man with no arms and no legs dreamed of becoming a fireman.

His mother didn't have the heart to discourage him, even though she knew there was no way he could be a firefighter.

To her surprise, when she picked him up after his interview, he excitedly told her that they had taken him on, he was finally a real firefighter! His mother congratulated him,...

A Minsk fireman gets home from work...

... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."

"But you're not in the party," she replies.

"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

I showed my band the lyrics I composed and they said I should be a poet

Poet, fireman, accountant, anything but lyricist.

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

Pregnancy means...

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.

“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

So my coworkers and I were sent to "sensitivity training"

The lady running it said, "you have to use the right words to refer to people, because you don't want to offend them. Instead of 'policeman', say 'police officer'. Instead of 'fireman' say 'firefighter'. Don't say 'chairman', say 'chairperson'."

"Um, excuse me," I said, "I think they prefer t...

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

Irish man stuck atop a blazing building

Fireman shout “jump in the blanket Paddy, just jump in the blanket”

Irish man “not likely, you English hate the sight of us Irish, if I jump you’ll pull the blanket away”

Irish man “put the blanket on the floor then I’ll ducking jump”

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

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Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

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I saw a man on a ladder the other day

So for a laugh, I wobbled it and said, "Waheeeey!"

How was I supposed to know what would happen? And what kind of shit fireman drops a baby?

There once was a man who really loved Tractors

There once was a man who really loved Tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors. One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in hospital and rehab, he finally got his life bac...

A big-city lawyer was representing.....

......the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room ...

What should you do when you see a fireman?

Put it out, man.

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Three Old Prostitutes

Three old prostitutes were sitting around the nursing home, chatting about the old days. The subject of their first trick comes up:

First prostitute: My first trick was a police officer, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Second prostitute: My first trick was a fireman, and he wa...

Instructions unclear

The first time I tried to bake a cake I followed the instructions to the letter, but it was a disaster — I almost burned the house down. The fireman told me that when it said to grease the bottom of the pan they really meant the inside of the pan.

A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he ar...

The suavest save

One day, a handsome young fireman was on duty and was called to a burning home. He was told upon arrival that the house was only going to remain standing for another couple of minutes and that a young woman was trapped on the upper floor of the house. Without wasting a moment, he bravely made his wa...

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Three Americans visit saudi Arabia

They're having a good time and decide to travel through the desert, on the third day they come across a tent in the middle of nowhere with a DO NOT ENTER sign in many languages, of course they ignore it.
In the tent are over 100 naked beautiful women, they have a good time, is much sexiness. ...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

Three little boys were bragging about their dads

The first boy says "My dad's a fireman! He's so fast, he can throw his axe and run and catch it before it lands."

Second boy says "Oh, yeah? Well, my daddy is a police man. He's so fast, he can fire his gun and outrun the bullet!"

Third boy says "That's nothing. MY daddy works for th...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". hi

Stupid fireman...

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

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Little Johnny

Teacher was asking her students to talk about their fathers and their careers one day.

"My daddy is a fireman!" Jane proudly boasted.
"Mine is a policeman, he catches bad guys!" Said Jack with pride.

It came around to Little Johnny, who looked downcast and was very quiet, very ou...

My favorite quote is: "Kill it with fire"...

Shouldn't have wrote that on my resume when I applied for a fireman.

A policeman walks into a barber shop...

A policeman walks into a barber shop.

The barber looks at him and says "Thank you very much for protecting and defending our town! As this is your first time here, it would be my pleasure to give you a free haircut."

The barber gives the policeman a haircut, and that night, the barber ...

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3 men in Saudi Arabia

3 men go on a visit to Saudi Arabia. On one of their tours, they came across a tent. Out of curiosity, they walked inside, to be greeted by 50 young women, who were all highly attractive. These men decide to stay there for a while... and 'have some fun'. After a while, the owner of the tent enters, ...

Cat Joke

A man goes on a business trip and has his best friend watch his cat. In the middle of his trip, he calls to check on things, but his friend says, "Yeah, your cat died."

So the man gets upset. "You can't just say that! You should have broke it to me slowly. Like, this time, you could have said...

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A cop sees a kid playing in the sandbox

So he goes and asks him:

"What are you building there?"

Kid: "A policeman."

Cop: "And what are you making out of?"

Kid: "Sand, water and dog shit!"

The cop gets angry and hits him with the nightstick over the head and the boy starts crying.

The next day the ...

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)

The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the so...

if a plumber's career can go down the drain...

And a fireman's job can go up in smoke, can a hooker get laid off?

Tractors

For a long time now, I've had an obsession with tractors. When I was little, all I asked for for my birthday was tractor related stuff. I had tractor toys, tractor stationary, tractor bags.

When I was 17, my parents bought me my very first tractor. It was a bit rusty, but I was just elated ...

Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.

She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.

She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Am...

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a...

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The only clean joke Michael Caine could think of to tell the Queen.

I remember this joke from a TV interview I saw with Michael Caine about 20 years ago, and it's stuck with me:


A telemarketer calls a house and a little girl answers the phone:

Little girl (LG): \*quiet voice* *"Hello?"*

Telemarketer (TM) "Hello there and good day, would you ...

'Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth'

Martin, 37, Fireman.

Three guys are talking about things they can't stand...

The first guy is a police officer and says "One thing i can't stand is people who speed."

The second guy is a fireman and says "One thing i can't stand is when people play with matches."

The third guy is in a wheelchair and says "One thing i can't stand is up."

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Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room...

The captain enters the room and yells at the firemen "What the hell are you guys doing?"

The fireman points to his bent over coworker and says "He passed out from smoke inhalation."

"Why didn't you just give him mouth-to-mouth?" The captain asks...

The bent over fireman says "H...

The Irishman and the burning pub

Local firemen are called to put out a fire at a nearby pub. Sure enough, when they arrive, the entire pub is up in flames.

They rush in to search for survivors and find an unconscious Irishman covered in soot. They pull him from the pub and shake him awake. "What happened?! How did the fir...

Three young boys are talking about how cool their dads are...

first kid says "my dad is a fireman. he goes into burning buildings and rescues people and is a hero."

second kid says "my dad is a policeman and chases down bad guys and helps people and is a hero"

third kid says "my dad can time travel"

the other two are incredulous. "what do...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

A Redneck Came Home and Found His House on Fire

A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"


"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"


"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

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Johnny wants to be a policeman.

Teacher asks students what they want to be when they grow up:
Tyler wants to be an astronaut and explore the unexplored.
Timmy wants to be a fireman so he can be a hero and help people.
Little Johnny wants to be a policeman.
.... The teacher asks why, "so you can also help people?" ...

Two friends are in a bar when suddenly the towns fire horn sounds

the one friend jumps up and heads towards the door.

"I didn't know you were a fireman!" the friend says.

"I'm not," says the other, "my girlfriend's husband is!"

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