My friends think that I’m addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime I want.

Why did the brake pedal get therapy?

It was tired of being depressed.

What happens to your car when you press the gas and brake at the same time?

It takes a screenshot.

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

Mafia Boss: I want the brake lines of this guy’s car to be rusting.

Chemist: I’m listening.

Mafia Boss: But make sure..it looks like an oxidant.

I'm addicted to cutting my brakes and driving.

I just can't stop!

I used to know someone who was addicted to drinking brake fluid

They said they could stop at any time.

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

My girflriend was telling me about this guy on Strange Addictions who drinks a gallon of brake fluid every day

I guess the good thing is at least he can stop whenever he wants

My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.

But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.

A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lambor...

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

Why do we do shorten emergency brake to e-brake, but we don't shorten parking brake to p-brake?

Because it's really inconvenient to have a p-brake while you're driving.

When I hit the brakes hard, my passengers looked excited..

The were on the edge of their seats.

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

Dad, what are brakes?

I don't know son, we're on the Trump train

A recent study shows that 9 out of 10 people addicted to brake fluid...

...just can't stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious.

Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of...

Amish Brakes

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you
a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane when suddenly the engine brakes down

There are no parachutes on the plane, so the men must rely on their faith to save them from death.

The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off the plane and survives the fall, but dies later in a hospital.

The Jew says a prayer jumps off the plane, and survives the fall, but injures his spin...

Yesterday was brutal. I forgot to apply the parking brake on my car...

And then it just went downhill from there.

So I'm in a bar the other day and the guy next to me was drinking brake fluid, I said "you know that stuffs no good for you?!"

He said, "its fine, I can stop anytime"

My mechanic tried to convince me that my car needs new brakes

But I know that it would just slow me down.

A man was driving along the road

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"

This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.

However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, i...

An epileptic cop brakes up a drug ring in an underground night club.

It was a search and seizure.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

I was riding in my friend's car today when I noticed he didn't have a brake pedal.

He said it only slowed him down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

I have a lot in common with my brake rotors..

We're both warped and barely functioning.

My brakes failed the other day

And I got a crash course on Newton's first law

My dad told me this while we were changing out some brakes

A man walks into a gas station on his way home to his girlfriend. He grabs a soda, and a box of cheap condoms.

The lady at the counter says "that'll be 7.99 plus tax"

"Tacks? The damn things don't even hold themselves on?"

A farmer joke

A man is driving down the highway past a farm. He glances into the vast fields and sees a farmer screwing a sheep. He is utterly disgusted.

A minute later, he slams on his brakes and says, "That was horrible. I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind!" He turns around, and soon arrive...

What's the car's favourite meal?

Brake-fast

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

Did you hear about all the students who are using brake fluid to get high?

The teachers aren't too worried about it. The students can stop anytime.

Warehouse fire (long)

There was a warehouse that caught fire. It started as a single alarm fire but quickly grew to a 3 alarm blaze. The owner of the warehouse arrived on scene and quickly realized that the fire department wasn't going to be able to save the building. His biggest concern was the secret formula stored in ...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

Oh man, I've got this mate thats addicted to drinking brake fluid.

He thinks he can stop at anytime.

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants

The driver shouts out t...

What did Ross tell Rachel when their car accidentally hit a tree?

“I was on the brake!”

Why my driving instructor hated me:

Instructor: First, depress the brake pedal.

Me: (pointing at brake) You’ll never go anywhere in life without your brother’s help!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, tupid.

Amish wagon

A Amish wife was coming home from grocery shopping and a highway patrol noticed the slow moving vehicle sign was danging and about ready to fall off. He pulls her over and explains the situation and notices the reins for the horse are wrapped around the horses balls, he points out she might fix that...

Why did the car crash?

Because the lazy mechanic took a brake

My wife was wondering why her shot glass was broken.

Doesn't she know glass brakes when you put a bullet in it.

Two guys were tandemcycling up a steep hill.

Once they reached the top, the guy in the front while stil panting said:

"If I wouldn't have pedaled as hard as I did we would not have reached the top"

The other guy in the back responded:

"Yeah, and if I wouldn't have held down the brakes so hard we would have rolled down!"

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilot, copilot joke.

Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges.
They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me ...

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

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