I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas,

but they usually go over people's heads.

Today I let a woman stand under my umbrella

So the number of women who got wet because of me is down to -1

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle.

Just lent this girl an umbrella

That officially makes the amount of girls I've made wet in my life -1

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

Do you know what always catches my eye?

... Short people with umbrellas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pulled this out of my ass one day but here goes....

My dad: I’ve seen that news girl on another weather channel.

Me: They must be owned by the same umbrella company.

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

Why did the German carry three umbrellas?

Because he wanted to stay drei

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

A town was experiencing a drought period

So minister told parishioners to gather and pray for rain. Once they show up he starts yelling at them and criticizing them for lack of faith. "But we have faith, we are here!" somebody answers. To which minister angrily answers: "Where are your umbrellas then?"

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

Why was the gentleman with the umbrella arrested?

He was A gent under cover

On a rainy night , a man says to his girl. "Here, take this umbrella and get home safely." The girl asks, "What about you 😢 ?" The man says

I'll take the taxi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Woman and the Gorilla

A woman once rescued a baby Gorilla from poachers. She was later surprised to find that it could talk. The woman fed it bathed it and raised it. Years passed and the Gorilla grew up to be big and strong. One day the woman saw the gorilla ramming its cock into a tree hollow. Seeing the size of its co...

The twelve days of Jokemas, day three

What do you call Rudolph with an umbrella?

A Raindeer

What do you call a fat parrot with an umbrella?

A Polly-unsaturated fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Give it to me I'm so fucking wet"

She said as I refused to share my umbrella on a rainy night

I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

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A man is going on a walk through the woods and stumbles across a glowing lamp, and out comes a genie who him grants 3 wishes.

The man says to the genie, “I wish to have unlimited wishes.” The genie denies this wish and declares that it is against the rules to grant more wishes. Then, the man says, “I wish for you you to summon a different genie that would be willing to grant me extra wishes.” Once again, the genie denies t...

Me: [Holds the door for my wife]

My wife: “Why can’t we just buy an umbrella”

Asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”. Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

What would it be called if the Umbrella Academy had another sibling, and then triplets, but one of them was taller than the other 2?

2 number 9's and a number 9 large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese person say when the Mexican asked to borrow his umbrella?

Mi kasa es tu kasa

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

Why can’t umbrellas remember anything?

Because they’re *rain*washed.

A frustrated man takes his pregnant girlfriend to a doctor

Doc I really don’t understand how this happened, she was on pills I used condom still she is pregnant

Doc: let me tell you a story. A man went to jungle carrying only an umbrella, all of a sudden a tiger appears in front of him so out of fear this man point his umbrella at tiger like a gun, ...

My girlfriend moaned and said “please give it to me! i’m so wet!”.

She could complain all she wanted, I wasn’t giving her the umbrella.

One umbrella turns to another and says

"You don't really look that good bro".

The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Ec...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who shot the lion?

One day a man goes to his doctor and says “doctor doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant and I used protection and everything.”

The doctor looks at him and says “Sit down son, let me tell you a story.”

The doctor continues “ There was once a man who brought his gun everywhere. He never le...

I realized placing a long umbrella on my back does not make me like a ninja samurai...

But more like a Teletubbies.

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know.

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.

One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.

Gladys, the innovator she is, tak...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

I'm not sure why anyone would be worried about a Russian vaccine.

It's just a quick jab with the tip of an umbrella.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between pain and a catastrophe?

Pain is when someone puts an umbrella up your ass.

Catastrophe is when they open it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

She kept screaming: "Give it to me, Give it to me, I'm so WET!"

So i responded: "You can scream all you want, but I won't give you my umbrella"

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

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