I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas,

but they usually go over people's heads.

The inventor of the umbrella was actually just going to call it brella

But he hesitated

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle, my nizzle.

My umbrella broke in half today, which sucks

But it's OK, because the weatherman said there's only a 50% chance of rain.

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

TIL The umbrella was originally supposed to be called a “brella”.

But then the innovator hesitated, when they announced it.

Today I let a woman stand under my umbrella

So the number of women who got wet because of me is down to -1

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

‟GIVE IT TO ME” she yelled ‟Oh my God I am so wet!!”

She could scream all she wants I was keeping the umbrella

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant Girlfriend

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he enco...

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Just lent this girl an umbrella

That officially makes the amount of girls I've made wet in my life -1

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!!

Guess you don’t need an umbrella if it’s never gonna rain...

I'm getting wet, give it to me, she said.

But no matter what I would not give her the umbrella.

Why did the German carry three umbrellas?

Because he wanted to stay drei

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

Why was the gentleman with the umbrella arrested?

He was A gent under cover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me already!" she screamed.

She could yell all she wanted but i was keeping the umbrella.

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a music store

Drunken man: "I want the trumpet and the accordion!"
The salesman answers that these are not for sale. The drunk leaves the store irritated.
The next day he comes back, more energetic: "I want the trumpet and the accordion!
The salesman is slightly annoyed, says that he will not sell them ...

What do you call a fat parrot with an umbrella?

A Polly-unsaturated fat.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

Asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”. Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

What would it be called if the Umbrella Academy had another sibling, and then triplets, but one of them was taller than the other 2?

2 number 9's and a number 9 large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pulled this out of my ass one day but here goes....

My dad: I’ve seen that news girl on another weather channel.

Me: They must be owned by the same umbrella company.

A town was experiencing a drought period

So minister told parishioners to gather and pray for rain. Once they show up he starts yelling at them and criticizing them for lack of faith. "But we have faith, we are here!" somebody answers. To which minister angrily answers: "Where are your umbrellas then?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese person say when the Mexican asked to borrow his umbrella?

Mi kasa es tu kasa

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

Do you know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas.

One umbrella turns to another and says

"You don't really look that good bro".

The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

Me: [Holds the door for my wife]

My wife: “Why can’t we just buy an umbrella”

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

I realized placing a long umbrella on my back does not make me like a ninja samurai...

But more like a Teletubbies.

They say opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck,

but I think if it's raining indoors you've probably already had some bad luck.

Haven't seen this on here before and it made me chuckle so here.
credit Jimmy Carr

why do people carry umbrellas?

because umbrellas cant walk.
(ba dum tsss)

i suck at jokes :((((

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Woman and the Gorilla

A woman once rescued a baby Gorilla from poachers. She was later surprised to find that it could talk. The woman fed it bathed it and raised it. Years passed and the Gorilla grew up to be big and strong. One day the woman saw the gorilla ramming its cock into a tree hollow. Seeing the size of its co...

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