UPJOKE
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A man went to get his umbrellas repaired.

He brought eight umbrellas to the repair shop and came home by bus. He absentmindedly took the umbrella of the woman next to him as he got up to leave and she cried, "STOP! THIEF!". He sheepishly gave it back and got off the bus. A few days later he collected his umbrellas from the repairer and g...

The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella,

but when he went to register the patent , he hesitated.

a man goes to a doctor...

A man goes to his doctor complaining that his girlfriend is pregnant notwithstanding their use of condoms and them never breaking.

The doctor says:

*"Let me tell you a story. There once was a hunter, who always carried his gun with him. One day, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella ins...

Don't tell clever jokes about umbrellas.

They just go over people's heads !

The person who invented the umbrella was going to simply call it 'brella'..

Then they thought about it for a second....

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman’s family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

Lent a girl an umbrella today!!

Now the number of girls I'm made wet till today is -1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

A joke i heard a while ago

The 120 year old grandfather goes to the doctor for his physical and says he's feeling great. "So great, in fact, I got my girlfriend pregnant!" he proudly boasts to the doctor.

"Let me tell you a story." the doctor says. "A man went for a walk in the woods whereupon he encountered a bear,...

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

What’s the difference between my wife and an umbrella?

Only one of them gets wet

My umbrella broke in half today, which sucks

But it's OK, because the weatherman said there's only a 50% chance of rain.

A man summons a genie from a lamp

The genie says he’ll grant 3 wishes.The man’s first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can’t wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask “Why do you need an umbrella?”.The man then says “Now shove it up your ass”. With a painful...

My wife kept screaming at me

“Give it to me give it to me!! I’m so wet right now”. I don’t care,I’m not giving up this umbrella.

"I'm so wet!" She yelled. "Give it to me right now!"

But I didn't care how many times she asked, she wasn't getting my umbrella.

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

What do you call a fat parrot with an umbrella?

A Polly-unsaturated fat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass.......

Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of Old Ladys are sitting outside of their retirement home, smoking cigarettes

when it suddenly starts to rain, just a light drizzle, nothing too heavy.

The first old lady pulls out her little umbrella and awkwardly holds it up abover her as she puffs away on her cigarette.

The second old lady pulls out a condom, tears a hole at the tip with her teeth and procee...

British people are like coconuts

Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us.

Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.

Asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”. Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

Why was the gentleman with the umbrella arrested?

He was A gent under cover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese person say when the Mexican asked to borrow his umbrella?

Mi kasa es tu kasa

My husband refuses to buy me an umbrella.

He says that it's nearly impossible that something gets me wet.

You know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

What day is ice cream day?

Sunday!

Why did the ice cream have an umbrella? Because of the sprinkles!

(Courtesy of my four year old son)

One umbrella turns to another and says

"You don't really look that good bro".

The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

I realized placing a long umbrella on my back does not make me like a ninja samurai...

But more like a Teletubbies.

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