I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo’ drizzle

Why did the German carry three umbrellas?

Because he wanted to stay drei

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas

but they usually go over people's heads

How can four people go out with only one umbrella and not get wet?

It isn’t raining.

Why was the gentleman with the umbrella arrested?

He was A gent under cover

On a rainy night , a man says to his girl. "Here, take this umbrella and get home safely." The girl asks, "What about you 😢 ?" The man says

I'll take the taxi

I made a lot of girls wet last year

but I ain't snatching umbrellas anymore.

She kept screaming: "Give it to me, Give it to me, I'm so WET!"

So i responded: "You can scream all you want, but I won't give you my umbrella"

What do you call a fat parrot with an umbrella?

A Polly-unsaturated fat.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese person say when the Mexican asked to borrow his umbrella?

Mi kasa es tu kasa

"What a terrible boyfriend!",

an old man said to his wife. A young straight couple was passing by their window in the rain, with the man hogging the umbrella.

"Yeah?" replied the wife, "Well, at least he gets his woman wet!"

I'll tell what catches my eye

Short people with umbrellas...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

"Ohhh man...!!" she moaned. "Give it to me now... I'm so freaking wet, give it to me now!"

She could moan all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

Asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”. Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

One umbrella turns to another and says

"You don't really look that good bro".

The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".

I Look Like a ..

The broccoli says
'I look like a small tree',
the mushroom says
I look like an umbrella',
the walnut says
look like a brain'
and the banana says
"Can we please change the
subject?'

Understanding Pregnancy

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor "My wife is pregnant but we always use protection and I KNOW that it never broke, how could this happen?"

The doctor sits the man down and says "let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always brought his gun with him everywhere he went. ...

A blonde once owned a big, beautiful garden

Since there were so many flowers, she hired a gardener to do all the watering, weeding etc., and the gardener did everything perfectly.

One day, she told the gardener to water the plants. Once the gardener went to the garden, it suddenly rained. Knowing that his work wouldn't be needed that ...

3 friends are driving through the desert when their car breaks down.

They each decide to take just one thing with them as they go and search for help. They see a small village on the horizon, and so set off in that direction.

The first friend is carrying an umbrella, the second a whiskey flask, the third the car door.

After hours of walking, they find ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my...

Dad, where did my name come from?

One day a man was sitting on the porch, reading a book while keeping an eye on his 3 kids who were playing in the yard. The eldest, Rose, comes up to him and says "Dad, I was wondering, why did you name me Rose?"

"Well you'd never believe it, but when you were born a rose petal fell from a bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 20 year old man comes to his sensei to help him...

M: Sensei, my girlfriend is pregnant, but I used a condom...
S: My son, I will tell you a story:
There once lived a hunter. One day, he planned a trip in a jungle, but forgot his gun.
Suddenly a tiger shown up. He could defend only with an umbrella, so he aimed at the tiger with it, ...

What can go up a chimney down but not down a chimney up?

An umbrella.

why do people carry umbrellas?

because umbrellas cant walk.
(ba dum tsss)

i suck at jokes :((((

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.