I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...

My wife screamed, "Give it to me! I'm so f*cking wet! Give it to me now!

But she can scream all she wants, I'm not giving her the umbrella

Asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”. Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Turns out I left Airplane mode on.

One umbrella turns to another and says

"You don't really look that good bro".

The other replies, "Yeah, I've been feeling kinda under the weather".

They say opening an umbrella indoors is bad luck,

but I think if it's raining indoors you've probably already had some bad luck.

Haven't seen this on here before and it made me chuckle so here.
credit Jimmy Carr

A teacher asks class to draw and colour a duck holding an umbrella

She notices Jerry colouring his duck blue and asks "where did you see a blue duck?" He replies "where did you see a duck holding an umbrella?"

I don't trust umbrellas.

They're shady.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

There was a Lil Wayne outside

What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?

Wet.




Source: me, now.

Translated Indian Joke

A man is leaving his village for the first time to visit the big city. His fellow villagers don't want him to get ripped off, so they give him some advice - never agree to the seller's price... always ask for half the price.

So the man arrives at the city, and sees an umbrella store. He heads...

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he pic...

I hope to work at an umbrella factory.

Ever since being a child, I have appreciated the unique motions of the umbrella. Unparalleled in all of man's creation, and unrivaled in nature, the conic beauty of the umbrella has become iconic in my heart.


I have wanted to work at an umbrella factory for years because of my deep rooted...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling...

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day ...

Saw a man selling umbrellas in the rain today.

He ironically was umbrella-less. When I asked him why, he replied: "Man, I don't stay dry off my own supply."

Did you hear the one about the umbrella in the trench coat and sunglasses?

He was looking shady.

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...

A train conductor was arrested.

The police suspected him of murder but they didn't have any evidence. They did have motive though. They claimed that he killed his neighbor because he moved an umbrella out back and that blocked the sun light from his plant. This killed his plant and the conductor claimed that his neighbor was tr...

Food Talk

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

You know what's been catching my eye recently?

Short people with umbrellas

​

sorry if repost

A man walks into a church....

before the service is due to start and says to the priest "Father, I wonder if you can help? I left my umbrella here last week and now I can't find it."

"Are you sure you left it here? I haven't seen any umbrellas left in the pews."

"Yes I'm certain Father."

"Well I don't want t...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girlfriend says to her boyfriend: “Oh my god give it to me! God give it to me I’m so fucking wet!”

Boyfriend: “I don’t care how wet you are, it’s my umbrella.”