On a road trip, I remember passing a sign that said ‘Rest Stop 1 Mile’.

I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s really big.”

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

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Obscure blood tests

The man called the doctor to ask if the test results for his wife had returned.

- Yes, they have, but the test answers are a little unclear, the doctor said. Either she has AIDS or she has Alzheimer's.

- Okay, how can we clarify this further?

- Run her a few miles out into the w...

I had a flat on the highway and walked 8 miles into town to the auto shop. The mechanic towed my car, fixed my tire and gave me a great deal on a new muffler.

Now I’m tired and exhausted.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.

Man gets pulled over

A cop pulls over a man for speeding and he came up to the car and he said you were speeding and did you know your wife fell out of the car about two miles back?

The man said oh thank God, I thought I'd gone deaf.

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

What's the difference between a Jaguar and a Leopard?

Thousands of miles.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.

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A husband and wife are being tested at their local hospital.

It’s been roughly a week and the husband calls the hospital asking for the test results. The doctor replies,
“Ah yes. We have concluded that your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
The husband in a panic asks,”So what do I do?”
The doctor simply says,“Take her on a car ride then drop her...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Astronomy is fun!

Fun fact. Recently, we learned that a star called S5-HVS1 from the constellation Grus was ejected from the galactic core 5 million years ago by the blackhole at the center of the Milky Way, Sagittarius A\*.

That star has been measured as traveling 3.7 million mph which is roughly .5% of the s...

Why do Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from miles away.

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They asked me to organise a karaoke night for the blind

One of the songs I included was 'I Can See For Miles' by The Who, but the participants weren't really feeling the lyrics.

Mainly because I forgot to get the braille version.

What does driving with your turn signal on for the past 5 miles say about you?

“I’ve made it this far, but I don’t know what I’m doing.”

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

An Alabama cop is sitting behind a billboard on the highway doing radar.

Suddenly he sees a teenager in a Mustang fly by him doing 125mph in a 60mph zone.

He flips on his lights and goes after the kid finally catching up to him 2-miles down the road.

The cop walks up to the Mustang and says "Son, I been wait'n fer you all day!"

The kid replies "Sorry...

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Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

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There was a scientist

That claimed that all ants are constipated.
A tabloid sent a reporter to investigate his claims.
The reporter traveled miles and miles and reached his expedition in the Amazon, finding him surrounded by students looking in awe at him picking ants off a colony.

The journalist respectfull...

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground...

They approached it and are amazed by the depth of it. The first Hunter says, "Wow,that's some whole.I can't even see the bottom.Must be an old mine shaft. I wonder how deep it is."


The second Hunter says,"Well,let's grab that old transmission over there and throw it down in the hole and w...

Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

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Challenged my boss to a street race.

My boss drives a Prius to work every day. One day I challenged him to a street race after work, my Focus against his car, for pink slips. Quarter mile. He accepted

That night waiting for him, he pulls up, in a Corvette. We raced. He won. I didn't stop. Kept going. Next day I called into work...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then question...

Student in a test

An engineering student was in oral test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?".

The student answered " the bus"

Professor : cool, tell me what you would do i...

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

Cowboys and Indian.

One day two cowboys are riding down a road when they saw a Native man with his ear to the road.

“These Indians are amazing.” Said one cowboy. “They can hear things from miles away.”

As they rode closer they heard the man began to speak. “Horse-drawn carriage pulled by two horses, one b...

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

A distress call comes in to Pierre at the Maine coast guard: "mayday mayday. We're 12 miles out on a capsized boat."

"no can do" Pierre said, "We've got all we can do searching for regular-sized boats."

I'm looking to sell my Delorean

Is in good condition. Not to many miles on the clock, only driven from time to time.

Three hunters

A: My dog is so smart, he can spot an animal miles ahead.

B: My dog is so smart, he reloads my shotgun and lets me know when there's only one bullet left.

C: I know all about that.

A/B: How?

C: My dog told me.

Old man and his Lambo

An old man was driving his Lambo with 100 miles/hour when suddenly he saw the police chasing him. So, he starts speeding up, 140, then 150, then 180.

Suddenly he slows down and thinks: "I'm too old for this."

He pulls over and waits for the police to catch up. The officer gets out of t...

Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't unde...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

I went to a white pride parade the other day.

The floats just kept going around in circles about 200 miles per hour.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away..

I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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They say having sex is the equivalent of running 5 miles

Who runs 5 miles in 10 seconds

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island, and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.

The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore. She swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.

The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

If the average human can walk 3 miles a day and the closest shop is 5

Why hasn't my dad come back yet?

An American, An Englishman and a Canadian were walking through a jungle said to be infested with cannibals...

Immediately they are ambushed by a group of cannibals and taken to the cannibal leader.

The leader feels sorry for them and tells them that he will let them go if they pick up any fruit within a 3 mile radius, get it back to the cannibal camp and manage to swallow it without making any facial...

My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

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This is Nejo...

A 7 year old African boy. Nejo has only one leg and has to travel 5 miles to school everyday on a bicycle with buckled wheels.

Donate just £3 now and we will send you the video, it's fucking hilarious.

Why did the blonde move across town?

Because she learned that most accidents happen two miles from home

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

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Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent.

He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Cen...

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the...

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences?

Because there's a lot of reposting to do.

80,000 blondes are stuck on an island a mile away from the mainland.

One of them volunteers to swim over to mainland so that she's can get the coast guard to help them out.

She starts swimming, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and drowns.

A second volunteers to do the same. She starts swimming, gets half way there, then gets tired and drowns...

I Ran Over Ten Miles Today.

Looking back now, Ten Miles was a pretty stupid name for a dog anyway.

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

People ask why I named my dog 5 miles.

It just feels good to tell people I walked 5 Miles today.

You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

Until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes

You can't call yourself a shoe-thief

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Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.




By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling ...

My friend Miles went to visit Europe...

When he got there, Miles had to change his name to Kilometers

I just read most car accidents happen within 5 miles of home.

That’s it we’re moving!

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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

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What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

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A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

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An Englishman thinks a hundred miles is a long way

An American thinks four years is a fucking eternity

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air.

When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.



“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.



“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.



Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two m...

“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”

“Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

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