Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes

So when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes!

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

I Ran Over Ten Miles Today.

Looking back now, Ten Miles was a pretty stupid name for a dog anyway.

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?

Because there is a lot of reposting to do.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A guy ran 40 miles

A guy ran 40 miles in a day and when questioned wouldn’t say anything and would just stare for 10 minutes. The next day when he was asked why he did this he stared at him and then ran 30 miles. This kept happening with 20 miles and 10 miles until at last he ran no miles that day. He was finally aske...

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

If Peter Parker's webs are made out of spider silk ,then what is Miles Morales webs made out of ?

Cotton.

PS: I am black , so yeah , don't fill my inbox.

My wife’s Fitbit must be broken. It said she walked 5 miles.

The only thing she did today was go to our neighbors to get some sugar. Goddamn faulty technology.

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

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I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

Until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes

You can't call yourself a shoe-thief

Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a charity show. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling ...

People ask why I named my dog 5 miles.

It just feels good to tell people I walked 5 Miles today.

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

I saw a sign that said, "Rest area,25 mile"

An thought,wow,that's pretty big.


Steven Wright

The irony struck the Alabama woman as she lay dying on a stretcher after walking miles in flip flops to get to the unlicensed rural abortion clinic and was asked how she felt after the procedure.

“Mah fetus killin’ me!”

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

I just read most car accidents happen within 5 miles of home.

That’s it we’re moving!

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

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A man getting a BJ from a 65 year old prostitute and a man walking a mile high tight rope are thinking the same thing.

Don't Look Down

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An Englishman thinks a hundred miles is a long way

An American thinks four years is a fucking eternity

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Somebody asked me if I'd ever join the "Mile high club"

I said I couldn't give a flying fuck

A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air.

When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they’ve been transported to Oz.



“I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain,” says the Democrat.



“I’m going to ask him for a heart,” says the Republican.



Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two m...

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Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.




By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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What's green, 2 miles long and has an asshole every couple of feet?

St. Patrick's day parade in Dublin.

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”

“Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

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Friend: During sex, one burns as much calories as running for 5 miles.

2nd Friend: Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

I can see quite a number of these Pi jokes coming from a mile away.

Although I can't seem to catch their ending no matter how I try.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

2 Irishmen walking down a country road

One of the men says to the other, “Paddy look!, there’s a gravestone of a man who lived to 250 years old!”

Paddy says “What was his name?”

Brendan replies “Miles to London”

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"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.



As they passed a barnyard of cows, goats and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"



"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

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I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

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I ran for three miles today.

Finally, I turned around and said, “Jesus lady! Take your fucking purse back!”

What's green and red and goes a hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

What happens when you add milk?

Frog nog.

My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far-fetched to me.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

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The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....

"One says, "I've never come this way before."

The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

If there is 1.6 km in a mile...

...does that mean there are 1.6 kilopebbles in a milestone?

(Thank you, I'll let myself out now)

My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile.

I’ve ought to get a new driver really.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point an...

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

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NSFW My wife brought me a fitness watch for Christmas....

Apparently I wanked for 5 miles last night

I can't believe someone in Australia is remaking Eminem's movie '8 Mile'

They're calling it 12.8748km

President Trump announces plan to limit Highway Speed Limit of 55 Miles per Hour

He wants to Make America Late Again

Wife: And I would walk 500 miles

Husband: And I would walk 500 more

Wife: you just always have to out do me don’t you!

After being harassed by ads about hot singles that are interested in me within 1 mile, I decided to investigate.

It turns out there are a lot of hot singles in my area, but none of them are interested in me.

What do you call a 26-mile long G-string?

A marathong

The Nasa Parker Solar probe will be 4 million miles away from the sun

Due to the high temperatures it will have to operate at night.

My girlfriend made me drive out more than 33 miles just so she could dump me on live tv.

Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no av...

I had to run three miles today *sigh*

Guess that lady must have really wanted the purse.....

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Last year, my 80 year old mom started walking a mile a day.

I've no fucking idea where she is now.

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