Mission Jokes - 104 Hilarious Mission Jokes

007 has a new mission…

… he has to infiltrate a posh party and mingle.

His orders are to “bond James, bond”.

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

Emperor: How many soldiers do we have for my secret mission?

Servant: 476 my Emperor

Emperor: Good, round them up

Servant: 500 my Emperor

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control...

I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

India Space mission.

The Indian government have said, the moon mission has been so successful, and have opened 4 corner shop stores and 3 Deli restaurants.. The food is good but there is no atmosphere.

What does an astronaut eat before a mission?

Launchmeat

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

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How do you call an exploration mission to uranus

Colonoscopy

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The priest leaving his Mission

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says t...

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

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A secret mission

There once was a janitor in the CIA building. One day as he's mopping the floor, he over hears a couple of new agents talking about a mission. He walks up and asks them if he could get in on it. After a couple of minutes of discussion they decide its alright. The two agents, the janitor, and a senio...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

The entire crew of the first manned mission to Jupiter died upon reaching the planet...

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

Kirk and Spock are on a first contact mission.

The planet's natives serenade them with drumbeats upon hollowed-out tree trunks.

"Mister Spock, it sounds like the notes follow an exponential progression."

"Logical, Captain, when one uses log rhythms."

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My brother was assigned to a mission

A bartender sees a guest coming to his bar every Saturday night to have two drinks while mumbling "cheers my brother" after which he always leaves.

After several weeks go by, the bartender asks him what is it all about?

Guest: My brother was assigned to an overseas mission and before h...

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

You guys have got it all wrong, this is definitely a "peacekeeping mission".

As in Putin wants to keep a piece of Ukraine.

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Two pornstars get sent home from a mission trip in Africa, after they were caught filming themselves having sex.

Their response: "What? They said it was missionary work."

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

Did you hear about the Scottish Space Agency mission to land on the sun?

They went at night to make sure it wouldn't be too hot

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

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Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We ...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

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One man's life mission

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Mission Codename: Fetus

Status: Aborted

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

A Ninja was on a Mission

A ninja was on a very sneaky assassination mission. As he crept through the compound and avoided detection, he finally laid eyes on his target. As sort of a tradition, the ninja would always whisper to his weapons before going in for the kill. As he prepared to kill the target, the ninja equipped a ...

Two astronauts are on a mission around the moon.

Astronaut 1: We've just lost line of sight with the Earth, perfectly on schedule. We won't be able to contact ground control for the next six hours. Doesn't it scare you? That we're completely cut off from the Earth? That if something goes wrong now, we can't get help?

Astronaut 2: Not at all...

An astronaut is going on his first mission....

An astronaut is going on his first mission. Obviously nervous because its his first time going to space, the astronaut’s dad asks him, “What are you afraid of?”

The astronaut thinks for a second, “Nothing”

The Enterprise-D had just accomplished a major Starfleet mission, so the crew went to celebrate at Ten Forward. Captain Picard and Chief O'Brien were chosen to give the toasts.

First O'Brien gave his toast; "May you live as long as you want and not want for as long as you live."

Next Picard gave his toast; "Cinnamon, eggs, bread and maple syrup."

The bartender, Guinan, admired O'Brien's toast, but was absolutely confused by Picard's.

So O'Brien explain...

I've made it my life's mission to eliminate all Cancers.

Then Virgos. Then Scorpios. And finally, the Capricorns.

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

NASA Mars Mission

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
...

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Why was there only ever one mission to Uranus?

Because it was full of shit!

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A young woman is ready for her first mission in the US Navy.

She sits down across the Lieutenant's desk, ready to be assigned. "You will be serving on the USS Trojan," the Lieutenant says, "A state-of-the-art Submarine erected in 2003, and has never been in the water."

"Never been in the water? Even after 17 years?" She asks, the Lieutenant nods.
...

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A jihadist was preparing himself for his mission, when suddenly he's facing the image of his dearly departed comrad

"Ahmad! How is paradise?"

"Abdul, don't go through with the mission, it is not the paradise we were promised!"

"How is that possible? How could that be? Did you get the 72 virgins?"

"Yes, and that's the problem, Abdul... think about what kind of women dies a virgin."

I saw Mission Impossible: Fallout yesterday.

It's probably the longest iPhone commercial I'll ever watch.

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A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.

Did you hear about the failed mission to Antarctica?

Their journey went south.

What is a secret mission to save some eggs?

An eggs-traction mission

Mission Impossible

United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated.
The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost &...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

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An al-Qaeda suicide bomber carried out his mission...

And made it to heaven, where he found 72 virgins. Turns out they were all guys playing world of Warcraft.

King Arthur has set on his noble mission to drive away the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.

"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to u...

Why did Gandalf opt to send Frodo, of all beings, on the most perilous mission Middle-Earth had ever known?

Force of hobbit.

Noah is on mission from God to gather a pair of each animal

So he journeys far and wide to all the corners in the world to gather them up.

Once he came to Scotland, he told the natives: " Hear me! God is wrathful with mankind! Do gather up a breeding pair of each kind of animal and bring them to me. Once my task is complete, it shall rain for forty da...

Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission

Harry: Ron and I are teaming up for a 3 member mission, and are looking for a second person, would you like to join us?

Hermione: Uhh... Do you mean a third person?

Harry: Ron is 3rd person, I is first person, you is second person

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How do terrorist advertise their suicide mission?

Suicide bombers get 72 virgins.

How did the Stasi advertise?
Snitches get bitches.

A space mission sent from Earth had landed on a distant planet.

The purpose of the mission was to meet with another intelligent species who called themselves "ishen".

Another such mission had taken place a year before, and Michael Chapman, the leader of the mission, had decided to stay on the planet with the ishen to learn their ways.

The ishen pri...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

What does Batman say when he fails his mission?

Gotham it.

My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless people every weekend.

James Bond is on a mission to the white house

007: Q!

Q: Yes sir

007: Do you have the package?

Q: Yes sir! It's armed and ready

007: Good. Now do you have a marker on you

Q: Uhh sure here

007: thanks

*writes on package: From Russia with Love*

007: He'll never suspect a thing

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Sex with me Is like the Challenger Mission

It Killed a teachers career

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of...

What does NASA do before every mission?

Planet.

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

How do you sabotage a space mission ?

Send Matt Damon

Man with a mission

A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.

Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude sta...

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What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

What will happen if they decide to cast out Tom Cruise off of Mission Impossible?

the movie will be Impossible.

What do you call a plane on a secret mission?

In disguise.

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

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Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

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Top secret mission recruiting...

So the Joint Chiefs of Staff are searching for a soldier for a top secret mission, and they send out to the Army, Navy and Marines for their best soldiers to be considered for this mission.
So the Army sends it's best Ranger, he is pristine in his uniform, his chest covered with all his ribbons,...

An old rich man and his three sons die and arrive at the Pearly Gate

St. Peter tells the old man: we’ve been expecting you, but not them. Your sons are not supposed to be here.

The old man replies: Well. It’s all my fault. When I was dying, I had a test for them. I gave each of them 10 dollars and told them to buy something that can fill the entire room. Whoev...

The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?

Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

On a mission from my grandma and I need your help!

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t...

My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

Back during the Apollo moon-missions, NASA astronauts left an American flag on the surface of the moon.

Over the years, unfortunately, the sun's harsh cosmic rays have bleached the flag completely white. So, any future visitors to the moon will no longer be able to find any proof that the *US* went to the moon, since the only flag left is the French flag.

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Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

NASA decides to send up an all-female crew for their next shuttle mission...

"Houston, we have a problem."

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

"Repeat, what is the nature of the problem?"

"It's fine, whatever."

What do you call a covert assasination mission carried out by North Korea in another country?

A heart attack

While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

This week a team at NASA announced a mission to land a probe on the sun

To avoid the extreme heat of the sun, they explained, the probe will land at night.

Did you hear about the astronaut who broke up with his girlfriend before a mission?

He said, "I just need a little space."

I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day...

I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."

¾ of the A-Team have just launched a valiant rescue mission

I heard they were just trying to save Face after their last failure, though.

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An American, a Russian, and a Japanese bomber are each about to leave on a mission,

The Japanese bomber drops a rope over his hometown as a symbol of good luck, the Russian bomber drops a coin over his hometown as a symbol of good luck, and the American bomber drops a bomb over his hometown as a symbol of good luck.

After the mission the Japanese pilot goes back to his homet...

"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!"

"Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

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A guy walks into a bar .....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sees a beautiful woman at the end of the bar and walks right up to her. "You look like you have a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you home and give you the best shag of your life," he says. "My boyfriend is behind you," she r...

A priest is on a mission among the African jungle when faced with a hell trigre.

The priest then kneel and ask God to give the tiger Christian sentiments. In the next second, the tiger sits down and says, "God, thank you and bless this meal that I just got."

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

What did the hipster astronaut say when his space mission arrived at the Sun?

Not cool.

Bear, Cat and Dog had just completed a mission in an MMORPG. They wanted to perform a celebratory high five but they couldnt.

There was no way to hit pawse.

Why did the mission control operator tell the astronauts not to eat any food?

She saw some off-nom telemetry.

One night a man is driving down and old country road.

He comes across what looks like a Catholic mission in the middle of nowhere. On an old hand-written sign he sees "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution".

He's been on a bit of a dry spell so he thinks, "What the hell, I gotta see this!"

He pulls over and knocks on the door. A ...

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas

He rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversati...

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