How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two but you’ve got to get them in first.

Mice and cream

Once there was a country mouse, and a city mouse.
The city mouse got eaten by a cat.
Maybe he shouldn’t have lived in the city.

Something something, rat race.

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A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

Who do mice pray to

Cheesus

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Three mice are arguing over who is the hardest mouse.

The first mouse says, "I'm so hard I eat cheese with rat poison".

The second mouse says, " That's not as hard as me, I snort rat poison for breakfast".

The third mouse walks away and the others ask why it is leaving. The third mouse states, "I don't have time for this, I'm off to fuc...

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice...

What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

Three mice were looking for a warm place to settle down for winter.

When the three, two boy mice and a girl mouse, came across a barn. They were stoked to find such a perfect place. They split up to explore their palatial discovery. After a while they all ended up walking on the same high shelf. Suddenly, the girl who was leading the group, hit the skids so she wo...

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

Did you hear Schwarzenegger got a job killing mice?

No he’s an ex-terminator

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

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Three mice are bragging to each other in a bar.

The first one brags, "I am one bad ass mouse! In my hood, we have huge mousetraps. I take the damn cheese out of all of them."


The second one brags, "Well, I'm a bad ass mouse too. In my hood, I mix rat poison with my milk and chug it down every night before I go to bed."


T...

There was two mice who lived together named Out and In

The two mice lived in the same hole, but whenever Out was out, In was in, and whenever In was out, Out was in. So that means that they were never in the same hole at the same time.

One day Out was out and In was in, but when Out came back home, he immediately knew that In was dead before goin...

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Hickory dickory doc, three mice ran up a clock

The clock struck one and the other two came down with minor injuries.

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

Two mice are chewing on a film roll

One says, "I liked the book better"

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

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3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.

The first mouse says “I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses”

The second mouse says “you know the rat poison that’s lying around, I chop it...

Two mice are walking on a rooftop

When suddenly, one of them stands on his hind lags, and waves to a bat. What was that all about? His friend asks. That was my brother. The 2nd one replies. He has gone with the air-force.

Three mice

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

Why do mice have tiny little balls?

They don't care for dancing.

Two Mice Live in a Movie Studio Warehouse

Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I'm not sure, it looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see...ah, yes - it's from 'Gone with the Wind'".

"And how is i...

What’s a Puerto Rican cats favorite meal?

Mice and Beans

A retelling of Cinderella

Cinderella was just told by her evil stepmother that she couldn't go to the ball.

Sitting in a corner, crying, she was surprised by the sudden appearance of her fairy godmother.

"What the hell are you crying for!?" she asked.

"Because I can't go to the ball! Everyone else gets t...

My son's favourite nursery rhyme taught me what strategy mice use to win sports games.

They like to run down the clock.

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Three mice in a bar...

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot and boasts, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I run through one, and as the bar comes down I grab it and do 20 or 30 bench presses with it." He then slams another shot.

The second mouse sl...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

A family of mice.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

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Three mice are at a bar arguing about who's the coolest.

The first one says, "When I see a mouse trap I grab the cheese with one hand and do a little workout with the other."

The second one scoffs and says, "Whenever I come across rat poison I chop it up with a razor and fucking snort it."

Suddenly the third one gets up from the table. The o...

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

What do cats eat on hot summer days?

A mice-cream cone!
Ha, ha ha

Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?

At a Squeakeasy!

Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:

"What happened to the cheese?"

They replied:

"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be...

A Christmas Story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Cla...

Doctor, every night I dream of mice playing football, what should I do?

-Take these pills tonight, it should all go away
-Can I take them tomorrow?
-Why?
-Tonight are the finals

What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction

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What's the 3 blind mices' favorite sex act?

Hickory Dickory Docking

Two mice meet and start chatting...

“Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone.

“OMG,” cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

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Three mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar having drinks. They all order a shot of whiskey together and are thinking of something to drink to.

The first mouse says, "I'm so fucking hardcore the first thing I do when I go home every night is find a pill of rat poison, grind it up, and use it to season a...

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Why did two mice fall in love?

They just clicked.

Why are the Mighty Mice from Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cats.

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Three mice are sitting at a bar...

Arguing about which one is the most bad ass mouse. The first one says. "You know those traps with the cheese? I can sneak the cheese out without setting them off." As he munches on a piece. The second mouse says. "Man you ain't shit! You know those poison pellets they set out to kill us? They don't...

What do mice eat during the summer?

Micecream

There are two mice...

One is called In, one is call Out, when In is in, Out is out.

Sometimes they like to play jokes on each other, so Out goes in and In goes out... one day In died, how did out know in died?

*Instinct*

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3 mice are sitting in a bar.

The first mouse says "I am the biggest baddest mouse in the whole world, when I see a mouse trap I run up and eat the food while doing a workout with the bar. I am the biggest, baddest mouse in the whole world."
The second mouse says "Thats nothing, when I see D—con I take home with me. I use it ...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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Three mice are throwing back whiskey and talkin' tough.

The first mouse says, "I'm not saying I'm the biggest badass in the world, but lemme just tell you what I do each morning. I grab a nice big hunk of rat poison and crush it in my paws and sprinkle it in my coffee. Just for the buzz."

The second mouse says, "You think that's tough? Me, I wake ...

Three mice go to heaven...

Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, "Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish." One mouse speaks up for the group and says, "All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this me...

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3 Mice and their bravado (NSFW - words used)

3 Mice are sitting at the bar, smashing a few cold ones back...

The first Mouse, wanting to showcase his toughness tells the other two of how a RAT trap sprung on him, but instead of keeling over and dying he lifted the bar off of himself and feasted on the cheese with no problems whatsoever...

Mouse: "Hey Snake, what are you up to tonight?"

Snake: "I'm meeting my soulmate"

Mouse: "Oh wow, that's amazing. How do you know it's your soulmate?"

Snake: "You misheard me. I said I'm eating mice, whole, mate."

Mice

We've had a few mice in the house recently so I set a few traps.

The next day I went down to check and was very surprised with what I found.

I jumped back into bed and said to the wife, "There are some clever mice in this area."

"Why?" she asked, "Did they get the cheese withou...

If a cat catches all the mice on your property...

does that make it squeaky clean?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but they have to be really small. [BADUM TISH](http://www.badum-tish.com/)

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”



“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these c...

Three Badass Mice walk into a bar.

Three mice walk into a bar.

The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a badass mouse. In my neighborhood, we have these big mousetraps. I'm so tough that I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a badas...

A woman answered the doorbell where a man was standing at the door.

The man said,"I'm terribly sorry,but I believe I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."

The woman replied,"Well that's alright with me,how are you at catching mice?"

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

What does Lenny (of Mice and Men) do during foreplay?

Heavy petting.

Ice Bank Mice Elf

(repeat this 10 times fast)

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