This feline messed up my clothes

What a catastrophe!

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

Have you heard about all the feline deaths on Mars recently?

Yeah, apparently Curiosity kills cats

What species of feline can’t be monogamous?

A cheetah

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

Who is the leader of Feline Communist Party?

Chairman Meow

Holding a gun in each tentacle, the octopus glared menacingly at the cat. The feline, however, chuckled and purred...

"You're one short, pal."

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

Local News: a feline got electroplated by accident

Shouldn't have touched the cathode

I'll see myself out

What do you call a queue of cats at the bank?

A feline

What’s the difference between a depressed criminal and a cat cutting down a gumtree with a chainsaw?

One’s a felon feeling glum, and the other is a feline felling gum.

Q. What do you get if you cover your favourite feline in a mixture of sugar and egg white and throw it out to sea?

A. A cat-a-meringue

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the "biggest feline butt" award?

It was a huge cat ass trophy.

What do you call the award given to a feline with a nice rump?

A catastrophe

My parents weren't supposed to know about my feline thieving hobby.

But I guess the cat's out of the bag now.

What did the feline say when it couldn’t believe what was happening?

“You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.”

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

If you're not feline well...

You should probably call a purramedic.

What do feline submarines have?

Purriscopes.

There was a fire at the local feline shelter in my town today.

It was a catastrophe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my cat won for "Best Feline Butt", we expected to get a small plaque. But it wasn't.

It was a huge catasstrophy

BREAKING NEWS: NASA announces Mars Rover discovered new feline-like life form on the Red Planet

Unfortunately, it ran over the newly discovered creature. Yes, it seems Curiosity killed the cat.

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

Police investigating the feline corpse discovered in a Zerox machine.....

have said “this may be a copy cat killing”

What do you call a deceptive feline?

A lion.

Get it guys lol? Lion ~ Lying

I'll pounce myself out now...

Never say anything offensive to Cats.

You might hurt their Felines.

I wanted to be the first person to invent a feline cloning machine...

But everybody said it was nothing but a copycat invention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

Fortunately my cat Whiskers did not win the feline booty contest...

We avoided a cat-ass-trophy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My town is in trouble after hosting a feline grooming competition where they gave an award for the cleanliness of your cat's rectum.

It's a cat-ass-trophy.

Why did the cat need medicine?

Because it wasn't feline too good.

What do you call a disobedient feline pirate?

A mew-tineer!

And what do you call a genetically altered cow?

A moo-tant, of course!

The drone on Mars ran over a feline organism.

That's right - Curiosity killed the cat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This year's Feline Rear of the Year award ceremony went horribly wrong

It was a cat ass trophy

What is the most common cause of feline blindness?

Cataracts

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party?

He said he wasn't feline well.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Why was the Cat arrested?

He committed a feline-y.

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

What do you call a cat that’s iron man?

Feline

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

Scientist begin testing cancer treamtnents in lions.

It’s going well, until one day a scientist checks in with the feline that had been receiving chemotherapy, and realized that it’s missing. She freaks out, but one of her colleagues says “Don’t panic just yet,” and throws a rib eye into the lion’s cage. Instantly, the lion seems to materialize from n...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

Why did REO Speedwagon have to get rid of their aggressive pet cat?

They couldn't fight this feline anymore.

Scientists at NASA

Scientists at NASA reported today that they had discovered feline life on Mars. Unfortunately, the Mars rover that discovered the specimen also ran over it just minutes later. Said one scientist "We were all really excited until Curiosity killed the cat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy who works in an aquarium

Get summoned by his boss
Who is looking very worried.

And she says to him,
"I've just walked by the dolphin tank,
And they're feeling very amorous -
They're doing all sort of things to each other.
And the trouble is in less than an hour,
We've got three busloads of second gr...

There are two cats, one called 1,2,3

And another called une deux trois.
After many years of consideration, they decide to brave the swim across the English channel to visit Paris.
Two days go by, and noone has heard from either feline. Their friends in England are starting to give up hope, when they receive word that 1,2,3 has su...

I hate when people kick my cats!

It really hurts my felines.

A man started a deli business.

Before long, word spread of his delicious meats and his business flourished.
One day, an employee screamed from the back storage room. The owner darted into the room and was shocked to find a stray feline snacking on some salami from a high shelf. The cashier ran up beside him and asked, "What o...

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