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Flea Jokes

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

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Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

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The team lines up on the platform...

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6 --
5 --
...

Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

The two fleas

Two fleas exit the movie hall after watching a movie. The first one says to the other - should we fly back or just hail a dog?

Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

“Let’s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then we’ll meet back up and share experiences.”

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...

There were two fleas...

...who were close friends. They often got together to discuss philosophy, science and whether or not life exists on other dogs.

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

How can a flea jump higher than the Empire State Building?

The Empire State Building can't jump.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

Two fleas are on Robinson Crusoe's back.

One turns to the other and says, "Well, so long, I'll see you on Friday."

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

The Owner of the Flea Circus...

The owner of the flea circus learned from experience. He posted a sign that read: 'Dogs are not welcome. They steal the show.'

Flea Jump Test (repost)

A group of scientists decide to investigate how high a flea can jump in relationship to how many legs it has (6 legs to begin with).

They put the flea on a desk and said 'jump!' The flea jumped 6 feet in the air. The scientists noted: "the flea currently has 6 legs and jumped 6 feet."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

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I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

Why is it so hard to pick up a flea?

Because you have to use all your mite.

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

What did one flea say to the other?

Should we walk or just take the dog?

What did the flea on the right leg of Robinson Crusoe said to the flea on the left leg of Crusoe?

'Bye for now, see you on Friday.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

What’s the difference between a coyote and a flea?

One howls one the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs...

...and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running,...

Why did the north Korean flea to South Korea?

To find his Seoul mate

what do you call a rabbit that has fleas?

Bugs bunny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is looking around in a flea market.

A bearded man calls out to her, pointing out to a pair of sandals. "You look like the kind of woman who is sexually deprived, no?"

The woman, thinking about how long it had been since her husband made love to her, nodded. The man took her to a room behind his stall and said, "I give you trial...

Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.

One turned to the other and asked - Shall we walk or take a dog?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

How do fleas travel?

They itch hike.

A scientist was experimenting on a flea.

He put the flea on the table told him to jump and the flea jumped. Then he took him and cut of his legs and told him to jump again but the flea didn't move.

After seeing this the scientist concluded in his notes "After you cut a fleas legs he can't hear anymore."

I heard Flea is no longer a member of the RHCP

Turns out it was a basless rumour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

I took my dog to the vet for fleas.

But they wouldn't give him any.

A flea walks into the office one morning... (slightly NSFW)

So a flea walks into the office one morning, freezing cold, dripping wet, and sits down at his desk, miserable. A concerned coworker, who is also a flea, walks up to his desk and says, "Hey man, what happened to you? You look like hell."

To which the flea replies, "Man, I had the worst nigh...

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

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Shopping at the flea market..

Shopping at the flea market a wife was approached by a vendor to buy a magic mirror. He told her it would make wishes come true if you looked into it and said a rhyme. The wife bought it and took it home. She hung it on the door and said, "Mirror, Mirror on the door, make my breasts size 44." POOF h...

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

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Two fleas in a bar

So, there's a flea bar in Florida, and every year there's two fleas that meet there to enjoy the summer together. Flea A is sitting in the bar, enjoying his drink, when Flea B walks through the door. And Flea B is fucking frozen. Iced up, shivering, shaking, and not looking so good.

Flea A...

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A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

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The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

How do you build a flea circus?

You have to start from scratch.

What do you call a flea on the moon?

A lunartick.

Two fleas meet...

One of them is round, healthy and clean the other is skinny, sick and very dirty. The clean one asks the dirty one “Why are you so skinny and dirty?” and he replies “Because I live in a bikers beard. All day I have alcohol and tabaco smoke... it’s awful. What about you? How come you are so fat an he...

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A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a flea market.

He picks up the dog and starts swinging the dog on the harness over his head.
A vendor runs over and yells at him to stop and asks what the fuck he thinks he's doing?
Oh don't mind me....I'm just having a look around.

Two fleas walk out of a bar late one night and stand on the sidewalk.

One turns to the other and says, "Eddie, you want to walk, or take a dog?

What kind of guns do you find at the flea market/swap meet?

Bar-guns

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143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the ...

What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?

He stole the show!

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What a beach!

A flea is lying on the beach, getting some sun and relaxation when he sees another flea approaching. This second flea is ragged, worn out looking and seems very exhausted.
The first flea, curious, asks the second flea what his problems were?
The second flea replies “I’ve hopped from th...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

a flea goes into a travel agency...

a flea goes into a travel agency and says, “oh i’ve been working so hard for the last few years, i really need a holiday.”

travel agent asks, “what kinda holiday were you in the market for?”

flea says, “i want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that i can just relax and enjoy ...

I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled "Fleas".

Adam had'em.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny!
[ ](http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/warnerbros/42096/images/42096-hi-Bugs_Bunny.jpg)

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.

The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.'

The man is incredulous and asks why.

The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

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A Washington, DC flea goes to book a vacation with his travel agent

because he's been cooped up in a K Street lobbyist's crotch for the past 8 months and he feels overworked. So his travel agent says,

"You won't believe the package I've got for you! Fifteen days in Obama's hair—can you believe it? He's going to be at Camp David the whole time, it should be...

Dad sees a patient..

Dad and I operate a practice together.

He once had a patient that came in with a flea behind his ear. Week after week, said patient keeps returning to get this flea looked at.

One day, dad goes on vacation, and leaves me in charge of the practice.

The patient comes in, and in h...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

Dogs

What kind of markets do dogs hate

Flea Markets

What's the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Russia?

One is a dark, dank hole, lead by a flea infested disease carrying incontinent rodent giving cheap prizes for worthless tokens.

The other sells pizza to children

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first...

A student is preparing for a vet school exam and has left it to the last minute...

With no chance in hell in of passing, he procrastinates by picking a random topic about animals from Wikipedia and starts reading. By the time he's finished (wasting lots of time looking up related articles) it's too late to read about anything else.

In the oral exam the student picks a quest...

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What's the difference between Flea and Trump?

One's a Rich-ass Bassist....

did you hear about the time they strapped a Timex watch on an old, flea-bitten dog to see what would happen?

The watch kept ticking, the ticks kept watching.

Found in an old math book

Good induction versus bad induction.

A scientist had two Iarge jars before him on the laboratory table. The jar on his left contained a hundred fleas; the jar on his right was empty. The scientist carefully lifted a flea from the jar on the left, placed the flea on the table between the two j...

My Dog Is Hiding

My dog is hiding and I can't find him.

Last time I will tell him we are going to the flea market.

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

Where do you get the bubonic plague?

The flea market

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

A donkey and a horse met in a bar

After talking for a few minutes they decided to go to the horse's house. When they arrived the donkey noticed that the horse had a lot of trophies and medals all across the walls, he asked him:

"Where did you get all of this things?"

"I am a race horse, I won them", the horse replied.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

red hot chili peppers joke (original)

So Anthony Kiedis is hanging out at Flea's house. Flea says he's having trouble hooking up his VCR to his TV and he asks Anthony to take a look at it, to see if he can find the problem.

Anthony gets up and takes a look behind the TV at the wires and cables and whatnot.

"I think the pr...

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was poin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hand Grenade Sale

One day a man was walking down the street with his wife, and his wife’s boyfriend.

As they were walking they happened upon a flea market, with tons of booths setup selling all kinds of goods. Each booth had a sign above with the items they were selling.

Hand made blankets 2 for 10$...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magical Fruit

A man stops at a Chinese stand at a flea market, reads the sign, ”Magical Fruit and asked “What’s so magical about his fruit?”

Chinese man says, “Taste, taste. Taste, taste”

The man bites into it and said, “It taste like a Peach”.

Chinese mans says, “Turn, turn. Turn, turn”
<...

A man fresh out of boot camp is stationed to a fire base in Iraq.

His C.O. is showing him around the base and as the tour is wrapping up he concludes,

"I know it gets lonely out here, but right behind the coms tent is this cammel. If you get lonely just use that."

Confused the solder finds the cammel, it's mangey, and flea bitten, and old. He thinks...

Idiot question and answer

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What’s a flea’s favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?...

Everyone thinks I’m a submissive because I’m wearing this collar.

I really just want to repel all of these fleas.

The good news is . . .

I got up this morning and took my blood pressure and cholesterol medicine but later found out they were the wrong medicines. The good news is I don't have to worry about worms or fleas for the next three months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

What's the difference between a penalty shot in basketball, and a tiny curly wig designed for a bug?

One is a free throw, and the other is a flea 'fro.

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

Saw an offer up at a pet shop selling unwashed dogs

'Buy one get one flea'

[Warning: Dad joke] What is a dog's favorite Christmas song?

Fleas Navidad

When I was young, there were double novels...

books that had one story right side up on one side, one story upside down on the other side.

So I'm at a flea market and I find one of those old gems. I have to have it. I start reading and I'm loving it. Brought me back to my youth...until I realized someone tore out the middle page. Now I ...

A Horrible Joke

Credit where credit is due: http://www.writepop.com/humor/a-horrible-joke
(this is not mine)

Two sailors wake up in bed covered in bug bites.

The first sailor says, “We must have bed bugs!”

The second sailor says, “No, these are flea bites!”

The first sailor says, “The...

This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis.

I only had two options, either give it away... or flea

As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."

Which in his own words:

"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "

That man.

A policeman gets wiser

A cop is walking around the flea market and sees this guy selling apple seeds for $5, advertising that they increase intelligence. The cop goes to him and says "you really should not be doing that, cheating people like that and all." The guy says "listen I am not selling anything illegal here and if...

Cat jokes

#10

 

Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.

 #9 

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!

 #8 

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was...

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