UPJOKE
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Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It's a little fit bunny.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

What’s the difference between raising a child and having a pet?

One of them will actually listen to you.

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decid...

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I’m sad to announce that my pet parrot died today.

His last words were “Shit, I think my parrot is about to die”

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down ...

The best beginner pet is a Hamster

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water!

What is a dentists favorite pet?

A canine!

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant . . .

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?”. His sous chef scans the ...

My wife suggested that we should share our bed with our pets.

I finally gave in. After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.

Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.


Dear zoo,

I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~


.

.

.

Dear zoo,

I would like to donate one mo...

A Muslim buys a pet lamb from a petstore

The seller says:

"What are you thinking of calling it?"

The Muslim responds with

"I think I will call it ISlamb"

Fact: No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice.

No they don't, oh no they don't...

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry, I mean 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor.

My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man'...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and learns ...

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50

‘Why so little?’ she asked the pet store owner.
The pet store owner looked at her and said ‘Look, I should tell you first this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about it and decided to have the bird anyway.
She to...

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it...

The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!"

She said, "I can teach it good manners." 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, "Did you learn your...

A pirate trained his pet whale to come when he whistled

One day, he heard a navy general whistle the same way

Furious, the pirate fired all cannons and blew their ship in half. In victory he yelled

Sank you!

The general yelled back

Your whale comes!

I have a pet fish who can breakdance

but only for about a minute, and only once

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

A pet store owner walks into a brothel

The head mistress greets the new guest: "And how can we help you today?"


The pet store owner asks "Do you have a parrot I could buy?"


The confused head mistress responds "Don't you own a pet store? And don't you already have some nice parrots, why do you need ours?"
...

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The priest of a village had a pet rooster.

One day, the animal suddenly disappeared, and he thought that one of the villagers stole it.

The next Sunday, while he was hosting the Mass, he asked the villagers:

"Does anyone here have a cock?"

All men stood up.

"No, no, that was not what I wanted to know! Has any of y...

Pet store joke. This one is at least a half century old, but fwiw, I don't remember seeing it here yet...

A woman goes by a pet store and sees a sign saying "We specialize in the rare and unusual." Curious, she steps inside, and casually passes by the almost-usual: snakes, ferrets, tarantulas, macaws. She then notices a steel cage at the back of the store with a terrier-sized furry indistinct animal ...

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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When I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I caught my pet hen masturbating in front of the open fridge.

I guess the chicken came before the eggs.

Disaster at the pet show

Our ginger tom won overall best in show! It was a cat-has-trophy.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

I can't find my pet rabbit anywhere, I think my buddy Mitchell took it.

Mitch better have my bunny.

My wife wasn't sure about getting a pet werewolf at first

But she's since taken a real lycan to him.

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator

He says to the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

Bartender says, "Yep, sure do!"

The guy says, "Great! I'll have a scotch neat, and my alligator will have a lawyer."

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

My pet iguana is acting weird

I think I have a reptile dysfunction

Q: What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

A: Banned from the petting zoo.

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

My pet snail...

... was horrible at racing. It was just a bit too slow and kept getting edged out by the other snails at the finish line.

So, I removed its shell to reduce weight and hopefully make it a bit faster...

but the damn thing just got even more sluggish.

I have a pet newt that I named tiny. My friend asked me why tiny.

I told him it was because he was my newt.

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Th...

A man decided one day to go fishing on a lake located inside a protected national park...

When he gets satisfied with his catch, he decides to head home. So there he is, walking through the park, fishes swimming in his bucket when suddenly the park ranger appears in front of him.

"What are you doing here?" asks the ranger.

"Oh you know, just taking a nice walk in nature en...

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

I saw a miniature horse in a field yesterday, so I walked up to pet it.

After a few steps, I realized that it was a regular sized horse, just farther away.

All my pets are vegan by choice and I know you can't change them!

Say hello to my goat, rabbit and cow

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I sco...

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

My pet tortoise got mugged by 3 snails.

When he was interviewed by the police, He said ' I don't know, it happened so fast'

I took my kid to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine who had lost all its quills.

I said, “That seems pointless.”

Family vacation

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet ...

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

Why does Jack Skellington's pet dog have a bright, shiny nose?

Because he's a boo's hound.

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Best left unsaid

A man walks by a pet store with a parrot sitting outside. As he walks by, the parrot says “Hey buddy, fuck you!” The man is taken aback but decides to just ignore it and go about his day.

The next week, he is walking by the same store and the parrot is still out there. As he walks by, the par...

I don’t let my pet turtle watch TV

I guess you can call it sheltered

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

What do you say when your pets sneeze?

Dogblessyou! Catsundheit!

Someone's dog was run over by an automobile

Now its a car-pet

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

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A little girl walks into a pet shop.

She walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, may I buy a wabbit, pwease?"

The shopkeeper thinks this is just the cutest thing ever. "Sure," he says sweetly. "Do you want a white wabbit or a bwown wabbit?"

The little girl says, "I don't think my pyfon gives a shit."

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

What was king Midas’ favorite pet?

A golden retriever

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

It’s not a good idea to have a horse as a pet if you live in a city.

They need to grow up ..in a stable environment.

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

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I saw a woman taking her pet for a walk

But I couldn't tell if it was a dog or a rooster.

I walked up to her and said "excuse me, can I ask what kind of pet that is?"

The woman replied "he's a cocker spaniel"

So I guess she didn't know either.

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My wife bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later.

“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.

“I haven’t had a fucking chance to!” Replied the parrot.

I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was new each week, so he always did the same tricks. The problem was, the captains pet parrot saw all the shows an led began to understand how the magician did every trick. It started squawking in the middle of the show, “Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding flowers under the ...

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Good old Johnny Boy

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”...

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

I’ve decided to make a living renting out my two pet ferrets for events.

I’m a small business owner.

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Karate Dog

A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.

He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"

The owner replies, "it's actual...

This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company...

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

"OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..."

So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations, made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.

That evening testing his new pet, he lea...

I love my pet unicorn

He comes to support me whenever I regret taking my LSD.

I have a pet horse fly

I call him Pegasus

I also have a pet crane fly called Derrick

I briefly had a French cheese fly

A man asks his neighbour if it’s ok to pet his dog

“Yea he’s a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can!” Says the neighbour

The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

“I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn’t bite!” Exclaims the man

The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
“Yes...

I have a pet tree...

It's like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

A very talented rabbit

Alice loves walking through the park and saying hello to anyone she hasn’t met before.

One day, she comes across a man with a pet rabbit. She asks if the rabbit can do any tricks, and she is greeted with an amazing performance. Without going into too much detail, the rabbit is easily one of t...

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

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Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms, whispers an address to the driver, and off they go...

The taxi driver sees something in the rear-view mirror that startles him.
"Ma'am, something's wrong with your puppy, isn't it?", to which the lady replies.
"It doesn't have l...

Why do dinosaurs make bad pets?

Because they’re all dead.

What pet do you keep in your car?

Answer: A carpet.

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

My Chia Pet was so boring...

...It was so boring, I'd rather go watch the grass grow

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A man and his monkey enter a bar..

A man and his monkey enter a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer, while the monkey begins to wander and examine his surroundings. The monkey picks up a peanut, smells it, and then swallows it whole. The bartender notices and says, "Hey, did you see what your pet monkey did?"

The man n...

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

While playing catch with our pet Alsatian in the yard,

He returned with a bunny in his mouth. Quite clearly it was our neighbors pet bunny. The same distinctive brown patch! We both dashed to our doggy and gently pried the bunny out of his mouth.

It was quite clearly dead.

We panicked and looked over to the neighbors yard. He wasn't in and...

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

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(NSFW) A horse jocky with a lisp, is going to buy a horse

After being shown around and finding the horse he wants. He asks the man,

"Let me thee its mane."

The man picks him up, and he pets the mane. He sets him back down and he says,

"Ok, ok. Let me thee it's tail."

The man picks him up, and the jocky pets his tail. The man se...

I think my pet goldfish has epilepsy.

He’s ok swimming around but take him out to play he has a fit.

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Mildred, bingo, and Buzzy the parrot

During the pandemic, Mildred, a widow for twenty years, was worried she had to give up her weekly bingo game down at Saint Mary’s community hall. Fortunately, the church found a way to take the game online using Zoom. (After all, bingo was a nice source of revenue.) Just as important, she had Buzzy,...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

USSR time, a man came to KGB office

USSR time, a man came to KGB office.
Man: I lost my parrot.
Officer: we got nothing to do with that, but you can report lost pet to Militia (Police).
Man: well, I just want to say I don't share my parrots opinion about general secretary and the communist party.

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

92 year old Jim takes his pet duck to the vet.

Vet says, Hello Jim good to see you again, what's in the box?
Jim says it's my pet duck Bob. I accidentally hit him with the lawnmower.
Vet opens the box only to see the severed head of Jim's wife bearing all of the signs you would expect from a horrible lawnmower death. He closes the box and ...

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was worried his wife was cheating on him.

He decided to buy a parrot to spy on his wife. He went to the pet store and the salesman said a Parrot costs $200.00. The man only had $50.00 so he asked if there was any other other parrots. The salesman said, “We have one parrot we can sell you but he doesn’t have any legs”. Astounded the man aske...

BBC study finds Covid common in pet cats and dogs, but not ants.

Because ants have antibodies.

Ill see myself out.

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with h...

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Pet Alligator

A man walks into a bar with a live alligator under his arms. Dumps the animal on the bar counter and asks for a beer. The bartender almost shits his pants and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, get that thing out of here!!"

Man: "Don't worry, I tamed my pet gator very well and he won't...

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Parrot with no legs

A man goes to the pet shop to buy a parrot and see there’s 3 parrots, two for 200$ and the last for 20 bucks. The man ask the shopkeeper why he’s a lot cheaper. The shopkeeper replied that the parrot has no leg so it hold himself on the branch using his tiny penis. The man buys him out off pity.
...

My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.

His life has no porpoise.

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Is that a frog in your pocket …?

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.

‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’
...

I went to a pet store and put a large sign saying...

....'CHAMELEON' in front of an empty cage.

My pet raven seems to have fallen ill.

I’m worried he caught CROVID-19.

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