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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle b...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.

Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ru...

When I was 3, I had a pet snail.

I always wondered why it was so slow. After a while I figured "maybe it's that shell of his"
So I removed it, but it didn't make him any faster.
He became really sluggish.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

How many people do you need to pet a bird that's on a high tree?

Not one, but toucan!

I went to the pet shop and asked for a dozen bees, but they gave me 13 bees...

They said the last one was a free bee.

Did you hear about my neurotic pet rabbig?

I named him Stu.





* should have been "pet rabbit."

Me and my pet Chicken walked into KFC

They thought I was giving it to them but instead I ordered a bucket for two

I bought a pet snake. He’s a very picky eater. Only eats burgers, hot dogs, and sloppy joes.

Apparently, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.

The teacher's pet.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.  "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Li...

Pet birds are the hot Christmas gift this year

They are flying off the shelves

A woman comes into a pet shop to buy a pet that can talk.

She asks the guy who works there.
-Well, this on can talk, he says, and points at a parrot that stanf on a stick.
-What does it say? the woman asks.
-If you pull his left leg, he will say "good morning" and if you pull his right leg he will say "good night"
-What if I pull both leggs,...

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What's a Nazi's favorite pet?

A dolphin.

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A guy and his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the...

How do you punish your pet rock?

“You hit rock bottom”

What is the requirement to start a pet food business?

A pet-degree.

A woman walks into a pet shop

She asks the shop owner, "I want a pet that is special above the rest" to which he replies, "I have just the one for you! You see this puppy? He is able to fly!"

Sure enough the shop owner throws the puppy into the air and it began to fly around it circles. The woman was rendered speechless a...

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells a store associate that she’d like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

My pet frog is always one step ahead of me..

Whenever I read him jokes from this sub he just says ‘rrreddit’.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

What did Moana say when she got her dad a new pet?

Papa! New Guinea!

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

PETA is like a box of Chocolates

They kill dogs.

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The bartender welcomes the man and his giraffe, then the man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for his pet.
15 mins later the man orders another 2 beers, again, one for him and another for the giraffe.
Hours pass without the man ordering any drinks, when just before closing time he orders a ...

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

NASA announced today it discovered a petting zoo on Mars

This comes after an accident in which Curiosity killed the cat.

Whats the best pet to take travelling?

A carpet. Im sorry.

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

I walk into a pet store

I say "can i have 12 bees"


The guy working gave me 13.

I responded "you gave me one too many"

He responded "the 13th one is a freebie

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

It was the ‘bring your pet to school’ day today, there were a lot of birds

Weirdly enough most of them were desert eagles!

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

Why shouldn’t you have pets in Spain ?

Because you can’t leave your Catalonia

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

My pet rock has a receding hairline

He’s a little boulder

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A man goes into a pet shop and sees a parrot with no feet...

...but he has an exceptionally long penis, and he uses it to stay on his perch. He is well spoken and talks almost as well as any person, and has quite the intellect.

But because he has no feet, no one has ever been keen to buying him. The parrot says, "Sir, if you take me home, I will do m...

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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

The kids tried to name the pet fish

But they were far too literal with names like "fishy" and "flipper".

I wonder where Little Human and Naked Baby get that from.

What do Chinese call their pets?

Livestocks.

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

Opening a pet shop specialized only in Birds and marine animals

Calling it fish & chirps

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

A guy goes to the pet store to purchase 12 bees.

The clerk goes and get the bees and comes back. The guy is counting his bees and says,

"Wait, there are 13 bees in here!"

The clerk responds,

"Oh were having a special, that one is a freebee"

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As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

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A rooster walks into a pet store

The clerk says, "Welcome! What are you looking for? A dog? A cat? A bird? Maybe a rabbit?"

The rooster replies, "A Cockatoo'll do!"

A man walks into a pet shop

A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy 12 bees. The shopkeeper carefully counts out 13 bees and hands them over.
“But I only asked for 12 bees.”
“Oh, that last one was a freebie.”

*Sorry and goodnight.*

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo

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A man walks into a bar with his pet gorilla.

The man walks in with his leashed pet gorilla and sits at the counter. The man asked the barkeeper whether it is okay to unleash the gorilla, in which the barkeeper agreed as the gorilla seemed to be very calm. The man then unleashed the gorilla and the gorilla walks off around the bar.

Firs...

At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.

The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.

A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store

At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a brothel and picked up a lot of the language they used.

She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says "New madame, new house." She's a little surprised, but likes it nonethel...

A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.

He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”

The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

A man walks into a pet shop looking for a companion...

The man asks the owner about a pet fish, "Fish make nice pets, right?"

The owner shakes her head, "Fish just sit in a bowl! What you need are birds!"

The man thinks about it and says, "Yeah, I have about enough room for a bird, I'll take one!"

The owner shakes her head again, "Y...

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My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

My pet rabbit was an enlightened thinker but was electrocuted.

Now, he's a Volt-Hare

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

I went to the pet shop to buy a goldfish the other day...

The shop owner asked me if I wanted an aquarium, I told him I didn't care what star sign it was.

A man walks into a pet store...

A man walks into a pet store and sees three parrots, two of which are awake and alert and the third has his head tucked under his wing, asleep. Interested, the man questions an employee. "What can you tell me about these parrots? How much do they cost?"

"The first one is called Peter, and he ...

Why did Mozart kill his pet chicken?

Because all it could say was, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach..."

What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

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A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'

The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'

The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
...

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of na...

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they...

I used to have 2 pets, but one sadly drowned

One couldn't swim, the otter could.

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet cat. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special cat. Turn on the Winnipeg Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my cat does flips." The Jets keep scoring and the cat keeps flipping and jumping.<...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

I was thinking of having a poltergeist as a pet..

Now it's one of my worst Pet Peeves


(Harry Potter reference)

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

A guy goes to a pet shops and goes to the cashier and says..

I need a pet, and I want something different. My bird died and he was great and all but he stopped talking at the end of his life. The cashier says I have just the thing for you, a talking centipede.

The man was surprised, but he said what the heck and bought the talking centipede.

O...

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A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

My canadian friend has a three legged moose for a pet

He calls him Mussolini.

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People turn into their pets

That’s why your mom’s such a bitch.

What pets make the best music?

Trumpets

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

I had a pet cat,

but in a tragic accident, the entire front half of him blew up. To memorialize him, I took what was remaining of him to a taxidermist. Now, all I have to remember him by is a cat-ass-trophy.

A little girl walk into a pet shop

She asks the employee for a bunny, upon which he asks: what kind of bunny are you looking for? The girl replies: I don’t think my pet snake really cares!

There was a boy who had a pet frog

The boy was also a budding scientist, so he decided to perform an experiment on this frog. He got a notebook, a pencil, and a knife. He tells the frog, "frog, jump!" and the frog jumps up four feet into the air.

The boy writes in his notebook "frog with four legs can jump four feet"

Th...

What do you call a cat that tries to convince you to pet it?

Purr-suasion

(From facebook) my pet mouse Elvis just died.

He was 'caught in a trap'

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

The pet store

This man who lives in a rural area and so he drives to this very far pet store and asks to buy a can of dog food, the employee says “sorry but you must have a dog to order the dog food, we have had homeless people come to our store to eat the dog food. So the man says “you want me to go drive back t...

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator...

Bartender says "Sorry sir, no pets allowed..."

Guy says "But this is a well trained alligator. May i demonstrate first?"

Out of curiosity, "Sure" says the bartender.

The guy picks up his pet alligator, sets it on the bar, and the alligator slowly opens its mouth. The pet owner...

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

I lost half of my pet crow

Ow

Why is the Pope's favourite pet a cat?

because he's a catholic

A man goes into a pet store

In the pet store he asks for something interesting, and the worker brings out a dog

“I don’t want a dog, I want something interesting.” Says the man.

So the worker goes in the back of the store and comes back to the man with a snake.

The man says, “This is interesting, but I wan...

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A music teacher is teaching a class when his principal walks in

He sees a kid playing with scissors and tells the teacher.

“Hey, that kid is playing with scissors”, the principal says.

“I know. I’ve already told him that it’s dangerous but he cries every time I take it away. He insists it’s a pet”, says the music teacher.

“Let me try”, says ...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligat...

I will one day have a pet bald eagle

Name it Freedom. Teach it to ring a bell when it wants fish, so I can let Freedom ring.


I'll show myself to the door.

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A little girl goes into a pet shop and says 'One wabbit pwease'

"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?"

"I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

A man and his pet ostrich walks into a bar

They had been locals a long time, but instead of asking for his regular, he says," I have a feeling something specials going to happen, i'll have a whiskey."
"And the same for me," says the ostrich.

The bartender then serves the drinks and the man pays in exact change.

The bartender...

I took my new pet amphibian into work this morning.

My boss wanted to know why I had named my pet "Tiny".

I replied - "cause he's my newt".

When it starts raining cats and dogs:

*Please seek shelters*

Pet shelters





Sorry

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In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lenni...

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.



“If you don’t stop swearin...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

My friend has a pet bee. I said doesn't it bother people in the house?

He said no it's very well beehived.

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

What is a diver's pet peeve?

The bends.

It really makes his blood boil

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

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A Man Walks Into A Pet Shop

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner “I want to get a pet that will impress my friends. I don’t want anything normal though, so do you have any weird or extraordinary pets?” The pet shop owner says “I’ve got just the thing.” He pulls out a match box and says “This here is a talking cent...

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A man sees a friend reading a book

Man: Hey Carl whatchu reading there

Carl: Sherlock holmes, he's a detective who uses logical deduction to solve crimes.

Carl sees the confusion on his friends face and explains.

Carl: Do you have any pets?

Man: yea, I have two goldfish

Carl: From there I deduce tha...

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A man walks into a bar and finds that it's pretty empty.

He looks around and only sees the bartender and what appears to be his pet monkey. Curious, he asks the bartender about the monkey.

"Oh that's my special monkey." The bartender says. "Let me show you."

The bartender picks up a baseball bat from under the bar, turns around and cracks t...

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

I was banned from the pet shop when I fatally misinterpreted

Put down that bunny

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”



The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.



When she takes...

My pet name for my girlfriend is Copious.

She says it means a lot.

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.

"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."

The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want ...

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A man was sitting at a bar drinking and had his pet alligator with him

He was tired of spending his own money on his expensive liquor so he stood up and announced to the patrons “I bet all you a round of drinks that I can put my dick and balls in this gators mouth for one minute with it’s mouth closed and I won’t have a scratch on me when I’m done”

After some di...

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Two Scottish women are visiting Canada..

When they come across a skunk.
“Ahh look a’this wee thing, it’s well cute!”
“Aye a know but leave it be”
“No but I think I wantit like yoo know as a pet”
“Y’canny be serious lass?”
“I’m taking it home wimme!”
“What on the plane an all?”
“Aye”
“Ach, where y’gonna put it?”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

A woman walks past a new pet store on her way to work.

As she passes, a parrot behind the glass squawks at her and says, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”

A little taken aback, the woman huffs to herself and continues on.

On her way home from work she passes the same pet store and the same parrot squawks, “Hey lady! You’re ugly!”
Shocked and ins...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pet beagle was originally liberated from an animal testing laboratory

Had to let her go. Too expensive. The little fucker smoked 80 Marlboros a day.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

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