I have a pet tree...

It's like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I went to a pet store to buy a bird

The employee asked me, “Are you sure you want a bird? It’s a big responsibility”.

“Yes I’m quite sure” I responded.

The employee sighed and said, “Alright, but if you change your mind, you’ll have to live with that egret for the rest of your life”

Elton John got a treadmill for his pet rabbit

It’s a little fit bunny

My pet raven seems to have fallen ill.

I’m worried he caught CROVID-19.

I named my pet rock after a wrestler

Stone Called Steve Austin

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

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I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

Rumor has it Bruce Lee once owned a pet bear

Its name was Grizz Lee!

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

Got a pet rock yesterday...

...I told him to roll over

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.

The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That on...

I decided to keep an ostrich as a pet.

But after a few weeks I felt I was being ostracized and thought it best to give him to another home.

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

A man goes into a pet store and demands an amazing pet for a very cheap price

The shop keeper says "I have a talking fox for only £20" the man exclaims " foxes can't talk!" While he's rambling on the fox puts his paw up on the desk and says "actually I can talk... I've written 3 books and I climbed up mount Everest for the 2nd time yesterday!" The man says "wow he's amazing, ...

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. The employee of the pet shop walks up to her and asks, "What are you looking for?"

The woman explains she wants a bird who can sing. The employee explains "We have one, but he only sings Christmas songs". The womans says "well I'd love to see it!" The employee walks into the backroom and brings out a pretty, brown parrot. "His name is Chet and he only sings when you light a fire u...

What’s your biggest pet peeve?

Mine is people who ask a question just so they can give their own answer to it.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet sore...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet store.
Suddenly the cops show up and they all quickly hide in sacks.
The cops kick the first sack with the Englishman in and he goes "meow".
They move on and kick the second sack and the Scotsman goes "woof".
They then kick t...

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My pet hyena shit on my floor, so I shit on his bed

Look who’s laughing now

I asked dad if we could have pets, and he said No.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

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Two Friends Were Discussing Pet Animals..

Two friends, Pete and Dave were discussing their favourite pet animals.

Pete: "Dogs all day, man; I just love how they are so cute, cuddly, goofy and best companions to have. What is your favourite pet animal, Dave?"

"Well, Pete.. I'm a Cat Person." said Dave.

To which Pete aske...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.

Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"...

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

A man was moving to another country and needed to find a new home for his 15 pet monkeys.

He saw a man driving down the road with a big van and so he shouted after him,

"I'll give you €50 to bring these monkeys to the zoo for me"

The man with the van agreed and left with the monkeys in his van.

A couple of hours go by and while he is on his way to the airport, he see...

A farmer with a pet sheep has a serious problem...

The sheep is in heat and damaging the house. His daughter loves the sheep and he has no male sheep at all.
Considering the problem he decides on a solution and asks a young worker on his crew, who is a good lad but none too bright if he would be willing to “take care of” Bessie the sheep for $500...

What kind of test did the dog owner want for their pet when they went to the vet?

A pup quiz!

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks ...

I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation...

But it eventually clicked.

At the Pet Store.

Me: "Is this birdcage made from nickel?"

Shopkeeper: "No, I think its aluminium"

Me: "So there's no nickel in this cage?"

Shopkeeper: "Don't you dare!"

Me: "So itsa Nicholas Cage?"

Shopkeeper: "GET OUT!"

My pet rock has started talking and asked me how babies were made.

I told him I would explain when he was a little boulder!

A little girl walk into a pet shop...

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks for a bunny. The worker says” the fluffy white one or the fluffy brown one”? The girl then says, I don’t think my python really cares.

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

I just got a pet raven. I'm going to name him Nineteen.

Corvid Nineteen.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you...

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

You shouldn’t make fun of pets with artificial limbs.

It’s a faux paw

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. “H...

Wasp in a pet shop

I went into a pet shop and said I want to buy a wasp, she said we don't sell wasps, I said we'll you've got one in the window

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

What does trump call his pet?

TRUMPET

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I went to a pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I sco...

My son's pet frog broke his leg yesterday

He was very unhoppy...

What do you call it when a man’s pet snake gets sick?

A reptile dysfunction

My pet chicken loves classical music. He always asks by name for his favorite

Bach.

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

I'm so sad since my pet marine mammal died.

It's like my life has no porpoise anymore.

There was this guy who had a pet centipede.

One day, he said, “go get the paper, and make it snappy!” Half an hour later, he goes outside, sees the centipede and says, “didn’t I say to make it snappy”? The centipede replies, “I had to put on my shoes!”

I am really sad because my pet chameleon won’t change colors

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

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My pet turtle Francois

When I was a kid, I had a pet turtle named Francois. He was just a red eared slider, but I thought he was the coolest thing ever.

One summer, I went to camp, and Francois died. My father was the worst at breaking bad news, so he said Francois was alive and well -- and living with my mother. ...

Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig?

It didn't make the cut.

A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed.

I tried it once and my goldfish died.

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Everyone loves petting a dog when they're sad

But you ask one crying girl to scratch your ass for you and suddenly you're the bad guy.

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

"Can I get a pet fox?"

While browsing the forums I read a simple post, the question "Can I get a pet fox?"

Clicking inside, I read the top answer. "You can't tame a fox, but you can leash it to a post." Which I thought was a really succinct and apt commentary on how exotic pet ownership is sometimes unfair to speci...

My pet duck farts all the time and curses like a sailor

He’s very fowl

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

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A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $100 that no one here has a musical instrument that my octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old lute.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing Toss a ...

What do pets, babies, and women have in common?

They won't tell you why they are upset

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet...

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash....

I joined an emotional support group for people without pets...

But they kicked me out for talking about my felines.

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

My pets ate all of my marijuana.

Damn pot-bellied pigs.

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Always introduce the baby to your household pets

"Always introduce the baby to your household pets because they tend to feel jealous and will behave in an unpredictable manner." was a tip I'd read in a parenting book.

"Now that's some pretty shit advice......" I thought as my 3 day old daughter fell straight to the bottom of the fish ta...

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Small girl walks in a pet store

"I would like to buy a rabbit, please." She tells the owner. "Oh, do you now? he smiles "A big white one, with fuzzy wuzzy hair, big, floppy ears and big eyes?" To which girl replies "I don't think my pet python cares what rabbit looks like"

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

I have the world's most frustrated pet

My turtle likes to chase cars.

[Long] A woman walks into a pet shop

When looking around she sees a terrarium with a sign reading "Naughty frogs". Asking the shop owner what is special about them he replies: "They will make your fantasies come true. Put him on the bed, light up some candles, kiss him and let the magic begin."
"What if it doesn't work?"
"No prob...

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

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This girl sometimes swaps out her bra for her huge pet snake to cover her breasts

It's a cobra

What is it called when a veterinarian puts your pet phoenix to sleep?

Youthanasia

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

I lost my pet dolphin.

Now my life has no porpoise.

A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girl walks into a pet store and approaches the clerk. "Im looking for a wabbit" she says.

The clerk, taken aback by how adorable this girl is, asks "Aww, well would you like a white wabbit, or a brown wabbit?"

The little girl replies "I dont think my python gives a thit"

5 puppies were stolen from the pet store yesterday....

Police are warning people to look out for anyone selling hot dogs.

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

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Cockerspaniel

An Iranian man moves to Canada. His English isn't the best but he gets by. He's feeling lonely so he goes to the pet store to buy a dog.

Guy: "I'd like to buy a cockandsmackit please"

Employee: "You mean a cockerspaniel?"

Guy:: "Ya that's what I said, a cockandsmackit"

He...

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What's one thing both a pet store employee and a doctor can say to a normal person?

I've seen more pussy than you ever will

Why are cats better pets than dogs?

You don't hear about cats collaborating with the police.

I gave a lonely guy a baby bear as a pet.

He said, "Thanks for making my life a little bearable."

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A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

A man walks into a pet store...

...and says I need a dog. The store owner says “sounds good—what kind of demeanor are you looking for?”

The man replies “well I need a guard dog, so da meaner da better.”

Why does Ron love his pet rat so much?

Because it's the Pet-he-grew up with

Pet Dog

Husband: Where are you sad, baby?

Wife: My mother's dog died in a car accident yesterday.

Husband: Oh I'm sorry to hear that.

Wife : She is devastated. she couldn't digest it.

Husband: Who told your mother to eat the dead dog?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

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One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

I went into a pet shop and said ...

I’d like to buy a wasp please. Sorry sir we don’t sell insects. I said no no, not a live one, a dead wasp. What makes you think we’d sell you a dead wasp? Well, I said, you do have one in your window.....

A guy sees an ad in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you wan...

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

My pet fish is really good at tricking people

It's a catfish

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A man with his pet monkey walks into a bar

As he is ordering a drink the monkey sneaks away and, when no one is looking, it steals the cherry on top of a woman's drink and eats it. This annoys the woman and the man apologises for the actions of his pet monkey and leaves. He returns the next day and once again, when no one is looking the monk...

What is mathematican's favourite pet ?

²rrel

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons.

"If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth....

I went into the pet shop and I said "I want to buy a wasp"

The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps" and I said "But you've got one in the window".

\~\~\~\~

So instead I bought a dozen bees. As I was paying for them I said "Here, I bought twelve bees but there's 13 in this jar" and he said "Yes, one of them's a freebee".

My pet fox died...

It’s no wonder, ‘cause he was a 20th Century Fox.

What pet is always on the ground?

The Carpet

PETA is like a box of chocolates.

They kill dogs.

I have a pet fish that I named Ella.

She is a pretty fish, a salmon. I show her off to my friends and say “This is Salmon Ella”.

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

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*In a pet store

“I’d like to buy an owl.”
“We don’t sell owls.”
“Someone told me you did.”
“Who?”
*Awkward pause
“I just fuckin heard one.”

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...

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Kid goes to the local pet store...

A 10 tear old boy with a bad lisp goes to the local pet store and asks "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

The shop keeper says "Go away kid, I'm busy."

The boy leaves and comes back a couple of days later and says "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

...

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A man walks into the bar with his pet chicken and walks up to the bartender.

The man claims his pet chicken can talk and answer his questions. The bartender, clearly not believing the man, agrees to place a bet of $100 on the chicken not being able to talk.

The man says to the chicken, “What is the name of a male deer.” The chicken responds with, “buuck.”

The ...

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a dog for $10,000

"Why does the dog cost that much?", asked the man. The owner replies, "This dog can do karate. Here, watch."

The owner then walks to a table and speaks to the dog, "Karate this table". The dog lifts a paw and in one swift movement cuts the table into two.

As the man looks on in shock, ...

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Mick Jagger had a little pet sheep

Mick was very fond of her, and played with her all the time in his garden. One day, to his horror, he came outside and found his Scottish gardener vigorously fucking her. Furious, Mick yelled, "Hey, McCloud! Get Offa my ewe!"

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

I don't know why they bother with all that science history stuff in class like "Nature abhors a vacuum".

Anyone who's ever had pets knew that already.

My visit to the pet store

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too mu...

Man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe

After a few hours the drunken pair get up to leave.

The giraffe stumbles and falls to the floor unconscious, the man walks on.

"Oi" shouts the bar man, "You can't just leave THAT lyin' there"

The man turns as says:

"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

I lost a game and threw the mouse at the wall.

I was then promptly escorted out of the pet store.

Where do rappers go to get pets?

Tha Dogg Pound

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

When i was little I had a pet rock I was always very strict on him about drug abuse

because i was afraid that he would be a stoner.

My pet parrot died of obesity.

It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice

*No they don't, oh no they don't*

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for the giraffe. After a while the man goes back up to order another 2 beers and, still gives one to his giraffe and one for himself, this continues throughout the night.

As the bar closes the man gets up to leave, when suddenly his pet giraffe fal...

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