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Pet Jokes

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

Chuck Norris was petting a tiger.

Suddenly the tiger began to utter a soft growl. The trainer said, "get up slowly and back away." So, the tiger did.

Saw a clip of Chuck Norris telling this himself.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

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A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny

Because he's my newt

Elton John got his pet rabbit a treadmill for Xmas.

It's a little fit bunny.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

A man enters a pet shop

He spots a parrot with a higher than normal price tag.

"Why is this bird so expensive?" he asked the shop owner

"Oh well, it's a very special parrot you see" the owner replied "if you lift its right leg, it will sing a you hymn. And if you lift its left leg, it will recite a psalm"
...

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

New Pet

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner hat he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the bo...

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

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A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

A little girl walks into a pet shop

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

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A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

A woman went to a pet shop..

..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
an...

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, s...

Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!

Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

[𝑭𝑼𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑻 𝑫𝑬𝑳𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑫𝑼𝑬 𝑻𝑶 𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑫𝑰𝑻 𝑩𝑬𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑨𝑵 𝑨𝑺𝑺]

my pet frog died today

Rip it

A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?"

(Looks around) No idea mate.

teach pet rock new tricks

I decided to teach my pet rock how to roll a joint

Turns out he's been stoned the whole time!

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:


"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".


"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.


The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."


The custome...

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

"Dad, I wanna a pet elephant!"

"Sorry, but that's not possible. We wouldn't even be able to feed it properly!"

"Get me one from the zoo then, you're not supposed to feed those ones!"

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.

Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.


Dear zoo,

I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~


.

.

.

Dear zoo,

I would like to donate one mo...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

Man goes into a pet store looking to buy a pet fly

The shopkeeper says “We don’t sell flies”. The man replied “I just saw one in your window”

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar..

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few drinks. After a while, they both get rather tipsy, and the giraffe passes out on the floor.

The man, feeling guilty about the giraffe, gets up to leave and starts for the door. The bartender stops him, saying, "Hey, you can't ju...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Some people had a pet rock when they were younger...

All I got was kidney stones!

My landlord assured me that pets will get me evicted.

But I don't think they're that persuasive.

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A woman enters a pet shop to buy a talking parrot.

She immediatly sees a colourful parrot with two strings attached on its legs. She asks the shopkeeper about this one, and he says:

\- It's because this particular parrot can speak 3 languages.
\- Oh great, but what are these strings for?
\- Let me show you.

He pulls the left ...

I just got a pet raven…

so I called out of work because I have corvid.

My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet store.

They cost $30! That's way too expensive.

I can get one much cheaper off of the web.

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

I thought that my pet alligator was going to eat me!

Turns out he was just pulling my leg

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Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

Pronouncing Irish names is one of my pet

Piamhs

Bob Barker was dedicated to getting pets spayed and neutered

Say what you want but that took alot of balls

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

So a woman walks into a pet store...

and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "...

My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.

Polly gone.

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Eeeeee....

I'm pretty sad that my massively overweight pet parrot died today.

On the other hand, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I’m really sad my pet wildebeest died:(

I had to get a Gnu one

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

My pet mouse Elvis died last night.

He got caught in a trap.

A man wants a pet

A man wants a pet. So he visits his local pet shop and inquires .

Man: “I want an obedient pet. One that would do anything I ask of it no matter what”.
The store clerk: “I know exactly what you need”.

The clerk steps out back for a few minutes and returns with a tiny box containin...

A Canadian couple takes their pet polar bear to Antarctica

Years ago, a couple in Canada found an abandoned polar bear cub and decided to adopt and raise it themselves. By the time the bear was grown up, it had become very tame, very friendly, and rather jovial.

Life with a pet polar bear turned out to be pretty fun, but one problem was that takin...

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A little girl goes into a pet shop and says 'One wabbit pwease'

"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?"

"I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.

I used to have a pet cigarette because I couldn’t afford a dog

Every night I would take her out for a drag.

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

The monkey immediately runs up to a pool table and eats one of the cue balls. The man profusely apologizes to the bartender but the bartender said it was no big deal.

The following week, the man returns with his monkey but this time, the monkey's up on the counter taking peanuts from the bowl...

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they...

Can I get an F in chat for my pet rock?

Had to have Sylvester put down today for killing two birds.

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The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing beastiality

A guy brings his pet gorilla to the Country Club....

"I'll bet anyone here, any amount, my gorilla can beat you in golf" he says.
"I'll take that bet" said the club pro. "Nine holes, $1000 a hole".
"You're on!" says Gorilla guy.
First hole is a 400 yard par four. The guy tee's up the ball. The gorilla walks up and puts it right on the g...

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

Where did the guinea pig go when the pet shop exploded?

Everywhere.

What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it....

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

My pet bird was frantically tweeting so I gave him some food.

How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.

I have two pet rats in love with each other

They just got encaged.

I have a pet tree...

It's just like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

An old lady goes to the Airport with her dog in a pet carrier.

She says to the ticket agent, “I am going to Israel with my dog and I want to make sure nothing happens to him. He is very important to me. Please take good care of him and I will reward you with $10,000”. The ticket agent says no problem and takes the pet carrier. She goes to the baggage handlers a...

A man buys a centipede from a pet store

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anythi...

A thief robbed a pet store

“Looks like the cat’s out of the bag,” said the policeman after arresting them.

My college roommate got a pet parrot. That damn thing won’t ever shut up.

The parrot is cool though.

A man walks into a pet shop ...

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

He asks the owner: "How much is the green one here?"

The owner says: "$1.000."

Customer: "That's a lot, why so much?"

Shop owner: "He can sing two arias from Mozart operas."

Customer: "How much is the red one over there?...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down ...

What is the name of Jay-Z's pet sloth?

Lay-Z

A woman went to buy a parrot from a pet shop

She found one for only £5. She took it to the shopkeeper, and asked if the price was right. The shopkeeper said "he's that price because he lived in a brothel for 3 years."
The woman thought that it would be fine, so bought the parrot.

When she got it home, the parrot looked around, saying...

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

A lonely old man decides to get a pet caterpillar...

He takes the pet caterpillar home and sets up a cage for him.
The next morning, the man goes up to the cage and asks the caterpillar, "Hey, would you like to go out to breakfast with me?"
The caterpillar does not respond.
Lunch comes around and the man again goes to the cage and asks, "Woul...

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing th...

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My pet chameleon can't change colours. I'm very worried about him. So I fed him a Viagra.

Because he has a reptile disfunction.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks ...

'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on ...

What is the loudest kind of pet?

A trumpet

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

“Well sure sweetie!” He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, “I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny...

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A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

Bar man: "You need to leave because if that alligator bites someone I'll get sued!"

Alligator owner: "No no he's tame! Watch I'll prove it."

He then zips down his fly and puts his cock inside the alligators mouth. The alligator keeps its mouth open the whole time. He then zips his pant...

Pet Lobsters

An old joke (not mine) & one of my favorites:



In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed. Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf b...

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

My pet snail...

... was horrible at racing. It was just a bit too slow and kept getting edged out by the other snails at the finish line.

So, I removed its shell to reduce weight and hopefully make it a bit faster...

but the damn thing just got even more sluggish.

I had a really hard time converting an old church into an all inclusive pet spa and boarding facility,

but hiring groomers was easy.

A man goes to buy his kid a pet for Christmas.

Once he gets to the store the shopkeeper shows him the usual puppies, kittens and fish. But the man says, "These are all nice, but I want something special for my son."

"Well then," replies the owner, "Do I have the pet for you. Here is a parrot that sings holiday classics."

"How do I...

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A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girls walks into a pet store and looks up at the owner with her big brown eyes.

"Mister," she said in a quite voice, "I would like a little bunny rabbit".

The owner looks down at her with a smile. "And what type of bunny rabbit would you like?" He responded, "A brown little ...

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

While perusing the wares of a pet shop, a woman sees a Parrot priced at only $20...

She walks up to the store owner and asks him why the parrot is so cheap. He tells her that the bird came from a local brothel that recently closed shop for good, and it picked up a lot of bad language and lingo from its time there.

The woman thinks nothing of it and doesn't want to pass on su...

A bee keeper walks into a pet store

He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.

He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”

The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"

What is a dentists favorite pet?

A canine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?

Ryan

Apparently some pet rocks are braver than others...

I understand they're a little boulder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

Disaster at the pet show

Our ginger tom won overall best in show! It was a cat-has-trophy.

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Pet Alligator

A man walks into a bar with a live alligator under his arms. Dumps the animal on the bar counter and asks for a beer. The bartender almost shits his pants and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, get that thing out of here!!"

Man: "Don't worry, I tamed my pet gator very well and he won't...

How do you feed a 90 foot long pet anaconda?

Once. After that somebody else feeds it once.

What did the goose thief say to the pet shop owner?

“I’m just taking a gander.”

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

My wife suggested that we should share our bed with our pets.

I finally gave in. After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry, I mean the one about the guy with 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor...

I went to the pet shop to buy a new fish

“Aquarium?” The staff member asked

“I don’t care what star sign it is” I said

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The priest of a village had a pet rooster.

One day, the animal suddenly disappeared, and he thought that one of the villagers stole it.

The next Sunday, while he was hosting the Mass, he asked the villagers:

"Does anyone here have a cock?"

All men stood up.

"No, no, that was not what I wanted to know! Has any of y...

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I’m sad to announce that my pet parrot died today.

His last words were “Shit, I think my parrot is about to die”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple were out walking their pet skunk...

A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came across a nice pub. The door had a “no pets allowed” sign so the husband said “just put it down your pants, no one will know”. The wife said “what about the smell?” The husband replied, “If it dies, it fuckin dies”.

Being a pet owner is like being a sugar daddy.

You waste all of your money on keeping them happy and the only thing they do is look cute and give you attention sometimes.

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

A man was looking for a unique pet...

A man was looking for a unique pet so he stopped at a pet store off the beaten path in New York City. He went inside and asked the pet shop owner to show him something different.

"Well right over here we have a magic rat. I won't tell you what it does but trust me, it is unique."

His c...

A pet store owner walks into a brothel

The head mistress greets the new guest: "And how can we help you today?"


The pet store owner asks "Do you have a parrot I could buy?"


The confused head mistress responds "Don't you own a pet store? And don't you already have some nice parrots, why do you need ours?"
...

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

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I'm opening a pet grooming business.

I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"

Teacher's pet

A boy was once given the task of babysitting his teacher's pet dog for a day. He was careless and the dog ran out the door when he wasn't looking. He tried searching all over town but he couldn't find the dog anywhere. He then thought of a plan. His teacher was old and losing the sharpness of most o...

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

What was king Midas’ favorite pet?

A golden retriever

Why do dinosaurs make bad pets?

Because they’re all dead.

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