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Animal Shelter Jokes

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you...

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

Donation to animal shelter

A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"

One of the ladies repli...

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

Orphanages are kind of like animal shelters for children

Though, I wish my parents would stop introducing me as their "rescue."

They created an animal shelter near the mine field...

I never forget the weather of the day they all escaped, it was raining cats and dogs.

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

Animal shelters must hire the worst people.

Everyone is always trying to rescue cats and dogs from there.

What do the beach boys and animal shelters have in common?

Pet sounds

A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.

"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a l...

My friend used to work for an animal shelter, but he got fired.

He really screwed the pooch.

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Just had a mole removed from my penis.

The animal shelter said if it happens again they’re going to press charges.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday

He asked me how I usually spend my days. I told him that I mostly look at pictures of puppies and kitties and think about volunteering at the local animal shelter. He said that I have a big heart. That made me feel really good about myself. Then he said, "Seriously, your heart is retaining water...

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

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Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

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The team lines up on the platform...

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6 --
5 --
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