UPJOKE
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Trying to fly a kite.

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to he...

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.

Why did Elsa lose her kite?

She let it go.

I caught my teenage son flying a kite during a thunderstorm, after I told him not to do it.

So I immediately grounded him.

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

One morning I was wondering

One morning, I was wondering what the hell was that flying in the sky.

Is it a bird? I think its not. It does not have wings

Neither is a plane. Its shape is circle. So I'm very sure its not a plane.

Its not a kite because it doesn't even around move.

But I noticed a very...

Competitive kite flying was a lot of fun but I eventually had to quit.

Too many strings attached.

Which medication kites behind your boat?

Parasailtamol

I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?"

So he gave me a kite.

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Three not-so-wise men

Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport. While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. ...

Hi! I'm Ben Franklin and this is Jackass!

\*Flies a kite in a thunder storm\*

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I was at the bar.... [NSFW]

And some lady dressed like a tramp kept trying to rub my arms. I kept telling her to quit handling me like I was her boyfriend when I didn't even know her. She wouldn't leave me alone, and finally she offered me a desktop computer in exchange for sexual favors. I swear this lady was high as a kite t...

[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, ...

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There was once a kingdom known as Penisland

In this kingdom, your social status was decided by the length of your penis. A traveler went to the kingdom to see if this was true. As he walked toward the great palace, he saw the peasants and commoners around him. They had penises which wrapped around their waist twice and the tip still touched t...

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Tampons

A man walks into a supermarket, asks the clerk where the Tampons are.
She told him Aisle 14.
He comes back a few minutes later with a big bag of large cotton balls...and some kite string.
Puzzled, the girl asks him if he wasn't the one asking for Tampons?
" it's a long story," ...

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Neighbours

A spaced out man decides to visit his neighbor in the apartment below him and share a joint. Whilst high as kites he asks his neighbour: heyyyyy, I love the paint job you did. Since my apartment is identical in size to yours tell me how much paint did you buy to paint this place? The neighbour says:...

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They're having sex

Little Jhonny and his mama and papa lived in a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. Now with little Johnny being little the parents would send him out into the balcony whenever they wanted to get frisky, to make it seem routine they'd ask him what he saw when he was out. So one Saturday afternoon h...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

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Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...

I walked up to a windmill and said,

"What do you think of this, you spin really fast and I'll fly a kite from the wind you make?"

"...I'm not a big fan."

I just can't understand women

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son...

Found some gems in my grandpa's old journal, thought r/jokes would appreciate them...

I'll try and transcribe them the way he writes them down, but it is pretty hard since most of them are written in cursive.

Husband got up early Sunday morning to fly a kite. He is having a hard time, kite is going up and down. Wife is watching from the window in her nighty. Finally, she becom...

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