Why can't cows do ballet?

Because they lactose.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to have to sit through?

The Nutcracker.

I went to see the ballet, and..

..all the dancers were standing on tiptoe.

I said,"Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

After seeing his first ballet at age 6, his parents asked him how he liked it.

It was good, but you know all those girls who were on their tippy-toes? Why don't they just get *taller girls?*

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When I was 10, I told my dad I wanted to learn ballet. He said no, because "ballet is for sissies".

When I was 12, I told my dad I wanted to learn cooking. He said no, because "cooking is for sissies".

When I was 14, I told my dad I wanted to learn knitting. He said no, because "knitting is for sissies".

When I was 18, I told my dad I wanted to go to fashon college. He said no, becau...

What did the hooker wear to her ballet performance?

A prosti-tutu

Why did the dinner roll and her friends go to so many ballet recitals?

Because they were in abundance.

I finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer...

Because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor.

You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes.

Why don’t they just get taller girls?

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

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I have no idea who invented ballet dancing

but I'm willing to bet good money it was a guy trying to sneak back into bed after coming home pissed from a bar

My friend just graduated from her ballet course in university.

She got a (2:2)

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I saw a ballet themed porn the other day.

It was 'Fucking en Pointe'.

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

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A moth goes to the pediatrist.

The pediatrist asks him what the problem is. The moth sighs and says, “Well...it’s my job. I’ve been at the mill for nigh on two decades and I have begun to feel like I’m just plugging along waiting for the end. I’m still working toward something, but I thought by the time I got to be this age I’d h...

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."

Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."

Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else w...

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A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane assylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks "What are you doing?" She replies "...

Heaven was getting crowded...

...so one day, God decided that for the next day only people who had a terrible day were to be let into Heaven.

The next day, Saint Peter is waiting at the Pearly Gates. The first man walks up and he asks, "What happened on the day you died?"

The man says, "Oh it was awful! I thought...

A police officer pulls over a man with a car full of penguins

Man explains he is taking penguins to the zoo and cop lets him go on his way.

The next day, the officer sees the same man, still driving a car full of penguins.

He directs the man to the side of the road, "I thought you were taking these penguins to the zoo?"

Man responds, "Yes...

[Science!] How a quantum physicist went to jail.

A cop pulled me over once. “Son,” he said, “you know it’s illegal to go 90 in a 35-mph zone.” No question mark at all.

Being guilty as hell, I naturally smart-assed the reply, “How can you tell? You see, quantum mechanics tells us that you cannot determine both an object’s position and mo...

A man forgets his daughters birthday

He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. W...

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