What’s one job Stephen hawking would be no good at?

Stand up comedy.

It seems harder to catch air in the new Tony Hawk game for PS4

They did that to commemorate 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show?

because he can't do stand-up comedy

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

Just kidding

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Ever since we got married my wife has been working on her bird impressions...

She watches me like a hawk.

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

Calling someone an “Einstein” is overrated.

Whenever someone acts smart around me, I just say, “Wow, you’re like a walking, talking, Steven Hawking.”

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself..

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me father for I have sinned

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit...

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan

Tarzan went swinging on a vine in the jungle one day and the vine broke. Tarzan popped an eye out, broke his right arm and his penis. He went to the witch doctor and the witch doctor gave him a hawk eye to replace his eye. A gorilla arm to replace his arm and an elephant trunk for his penis then sen...

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange

Stephen Hawking's favorite Migos song is Walk it Like I Talk It

He couldn't do either

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Why did Stephen Hawking get deferred from the cryogenics lab?

Because the doctors knew you shouldn't freeze vegetables.

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

How do we know it’s Stephen Hawking talking and not just the black box?

There are no ads.

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.