UPJOKE
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What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

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A hawk is feeling horny...

The first partner he meets is a dove.


He pulls her into the bushes and there's a bunch of shaking and rustling sounds. A few minutes later, they both come out looking happy.


The dove says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved."


The hawk is still horny, though, ...

Steven hawking walks into a bar

Oh wait

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?

Stephen Walking

The hawk on the patio

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at that big hawk out on the patio," he tells the bartender. "It looks like its eating some avocado toast." "Oh, that bird again," the bartender sighs. "I think its a Millennial Falcon."

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

Tony Hawk walks into a bar....

The bartender doesn’t recognize him.

What do Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk have in common?

The both love ramps.

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

It's a little-known fact that legendary stuntman Evel Kneivel had an IQ of 160, the same as genius professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

A Vole and the Farmer

A Vole and the Farmer are sitting on a tractor tire after a long day of working. Farmer goes "what in the Sam hell are you so tired over you didn't do a damn thing but just sit around like a field mouse"

Well the vole says "a life of a vole is very hard. We do lots of things such as burrow t...

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

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How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board

I wanted to see if I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet.

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and how come he had not gone to the after life yet?"

Turns ...

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What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

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Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

Stephen Hawking - "The doctors finally removed my pop up blocker"

"Now I can finally get an erection"

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

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If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

From my 7-year-old: What type of phone does a hawk use?

A hawkie talkie.

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

Two explorers take a flight to one of the yet unexplored parts of the South American rainforests.

They enter the thicket but quickly get lost. After walking for many hours, without food at water, they finally spot a native inhabitant of one of the forests tribes. They quickly shout and make wild gestures until he notices them. After they slowly approach him, one of the explorers asks: “You nativ...

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

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I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

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