UPJOKE
falconbird of preybuzzardraptoreaglesparrowmongerpeddlevendpitchkitebirdsellparrotmagpie

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I played golf with Steven Hawking

He was shit. He lied about his handicap.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hawk is feeling horny...

The first partner he meets is a dove.


He pulls her into the bushes and there's a bunch of shaking and rustling sounds. A few minutes later, they both come out looking happy.


The dove says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved."


The hawk is still horny, though, ...

The golfing nun

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play g...

Steven hawking walks into a bar

Oh wait

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

The hawk on the patio

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at that big hawk out on the patio," he tells the bartender. "It looks like its eating some avocado toast." "Oh, that bird again," the bartender sighs. "I think its a Millennial Falcon."

What do Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk have in common?

The both love ramps.

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is coming up to the cashier - long

And as he is about to go get his groceries scanned, the customer before him starts yelling at the cashier:

"I will reach out to management and I swear to God you will get fired after I have a word with them! You are insane!" as he storms out.

Man approaches the cashier and sees that he...

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

Tony Hawk walks into a bar....

The bartender doesn’t recognize him.

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

What do you call it when you sell Phlegm at a pawn shop?

Hawking a loogie

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

Einstein, Hawking, Heisenberg and Schrödinger formed a band.

It's called "The Inconvenient Truths."

They play music with that old Al Gore Rhythm.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

It's a little-known fact that legendary stuntman Evel Kneivel had an IQ of 160, the same as genius professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen hawking can run on batteries

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Stephen Hawking - "The doctors finally removed my pop up blocker"

"Now I can finally get an erection"

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

From my 7-year-old: What type of phone does a hawk use?

A hawkie talkie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.