UPJOKE
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I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

I tend to confuse Tony Hawk with Stephen Hawking

To be fair, they both love ramps

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

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How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

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A hawk is feeling horny...

The first partner he meets is a dove.


He pulls her into the bushes and there's a bunch of shaking and rustling sounds. A few minutes later, they both come out looking happy.


The dove says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved."


The hawk is still horny, though, ...

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

Why couldn’t Stephen Hawking get into heaven?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven.

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A snake, a rock, and Steven Hawking walk into a bar...

The bartender says "how the fuck did yalls do that?"

Did you know that birds like hawks and falcons can commonly be found at churches?

That's because they're birds of pray.

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.

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I played golf with Steven Hawking

He was shit. He lied about his handicap.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

What's the worst christmas gift you could give to Steven Hawking?

A Walkie-Talkie.

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Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

The hawk on the patio

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at that big hawk out on the patio," he tells the bartender. "It looks like its eating some avocado toast." "Oh, that bird again," the bartender sighs. "I think its a Millennial Falcon."

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one line jokes?

Because he can't do stand-up.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

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What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

Tony Hawk walks into a bar....

The bartender doesn’t recognize him.

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

Very few people know this, but legendary motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was a very intelligent man, and had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

They also shared a love of ramps.

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

Einstein, Hawking, Heisenberg and Schrödinger formed a band.

It's called "The Inconvenient Truths."

They play music with that old Al Gore Rhythm.

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Stephen Hawking...

It's a shame Stephen Hawking died. He could pursue a career in comedy. Too bad he can't do stand-ups!

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

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I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

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