Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

...just kidding.

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one liners?

Because he can't do stand up.

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

Why can't Stephen Hawking become a 'stand-up comedian'?

Because he's dead.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.

I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself..

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Oh wait nvm lol

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?

F5

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words

"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking ?

Stephen Walking.

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Chief, can I ask you something? How do you name these children?"

And the Indian chief says,

"It's very simple. When a child is born, and I see snow gently falling I say, you shall be called
Snow Gently Falling. And when a child is born
and I see a hawk flying over... I say, you shall be named Hawk Flying Over.
But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking,
why...

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Three hawks had a hunting contest

The first one went and came back with blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that tree over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I hunted a rabbit near it".


The second one went and came back with even more blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He sa...

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

That say that knowledge is power...

But i'm pretty damn sure I could beat Stephen Hawking's ass

(Bonus joke)
In fact, I bet I could beat Hawking up before he can even say anything about it

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie?

Stephen Hawking doesn't walkie or talkie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect ...

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange

Why does Stephen Hawking date African Americans?

Because he loves to study black holes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

When Stephen Hawking was found dead yesterday...

Did they call the paramedics or the IT guys first?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Why did Stephen Hawking get deferred from the cryogenics lab?

Because the doctors knew you shouldn't freeze vegetables.

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

How do we know it’s Stephen Hawking talking and not just the black box?

There are no ads.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking take a shit?

He logs out.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

What's Stephen Hawking's least favorite kind of comedy?

Standup.

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