Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

...just kidding.

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one liners?

Because he can't do stand up.

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.

I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

What was internet medias' interpretation of the hawking effect and coronal mass ejections?

: "God rubbing one out".

Why can't Stephen Hawking become a 'stand-up comedian'?

Because he's dead.

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself..

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Oh wait nvm lol

What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

What do the Atlanta hawks and a bad powerlifter have in common?

They both have a weak bench.

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words

"1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Chief, can I ask you something? How do you name these children?"

And the Indian chief says,

"It's very simple. When a child is born, and I see snow gently falling I say, you shall be called
Snow Gently Falling. And when a child is born
and I see a hawk flying over... I say, you shall be named Hawk Flying Over.
But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking,
why...

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?

F5

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking ?

Stephen Walking.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

Three hawks had a hunting contest

The first one went and came back with blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He said "Do you see that tree over there?". They said "yeah". He said "I hunted a rabbit near it".


The second one went and came back with even more blood on its beak. They asked him what happened. He sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect ...

Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie?

Stephen Hawking doesn't walkie or talkie.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange

Stephen Hawking's favorite Migos song is Walk it Like I Talk It

He couldn't do either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

Why does Stephen Hawking date African Americans?

Because he loves to study black holes.

Have you seen Stephen Hawking's new communication device?

It really speaks for itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

How do we know it’s Stephen Hawking talking and not just the black box?

There are no ads.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

What's Stephen Hawking's least favorite kind of comedy?

Standup.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking take a shit?

He logs out.

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Hawk, lion and a skunk...

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to chall...

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

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