Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

still looking for punchline?

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

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A hawk is feeling horny...

The first partner he meets is a dove.


He pulls her into the bushes and there's a bunch of shaking and rustling sounds. A few minutes later, they both come out looking happy.


The dove says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved."


The hawk is still horny, though, ...

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

what's black and sits at the top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

Say this hockey team name 5x FAST: Black Hawks

Bbc

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

Einstein, Hawking, Heisenberg and Schrödinger formed a band.

It's called "The Inconvenient Truths."

They play music with that old Al Gore Rhythm.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board

I wanted to see if I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet.

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and how come he had not gone to the after life yet?"

Turns ...

What do Stephen Hawking and Tony Hawk have in common?

The both love ramps.

Tony Hawk walks into a bar....

The bartender doesn’t recognize him.

I'm smarter than Einstein, Hawking, Da Vinci and Aristotle combined...

cuz ther al ded

It's a little-known fact that legendary stuntman Evel Kneivel had an IQ of 160, the same as genius professor Stephen Hawking.

Ironically, they also shared a love of ramps.

Two explorers take a flight to one of the yet unexplored parts of the South American rainforests.

They enter the thicket but quickly get lost. After walking for many hours, without food at water, they finally spot a native inhabitant of one of the forests tribes. They quickly shout and make wild gestures until he notices them. After they slowly approach him, one of the explorers asks: “You nativ...

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

What’s one job Stephen hawking would be no good at?

Stand up comedy.

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

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I just got done playing Tony Hawk's Pro Masturbator 2. If you're not familiar with that game it's where you pretend you are Tony,

while grinding away on a gnarly rail bro.

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

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How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

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What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

A Chicago Blackhawks fan, a Boston Bruins fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Bruins fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up t...

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

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Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

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Three men are standing before the gates of heaven

All three men were not really good or bad in life. So the angel at the gates offered for them to be reincarnated instead. But they could only go back as newborn animals. All three men accepted. Then they were told to run off the edge of a nearby cliff and say what they wanted to be reincarnated as a...

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

I hope Stephen Hawkins was an organ donor

I really need some parts for my go kart

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

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If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

What do the Atlanta hawks and a bad powerlifter have in common?

They both have a weak bench.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

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