So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

...just kidding.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

Three hawks

Three hawks sitting on a tree one goes and comes back later with blood on his beak the other hawks say tell us he said do u see that rock there they say yes he said there was a rabbit and i ate it

the second hawk goes and comes back with more blood on his beak then the first hawk the other h...

Before he died Stephen Hawking went on his first date for years

When he returned he'd broken his glasses, fractured his wrist and broken his knee.

Apparently she stood him up

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

Why are the Philadelphia Eagles's playoff chances like Stephen Hawking?

Despite being mathematically relevant, they are still dead.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Why can't Stephen Hawking become a 'stand-up comedian'?

Because he's dead.

Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.

I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tarzan

Tarzan went swinging on a vine in the jungle one day and the vine broke. Tarzan popped an eye out, broke his right arm and his penis. He went to the witch doctor and the witch doctor gave him a hawk eye to replace his eye. A gorilla arm to replace his arm and an elephant trunk for his penis then sen...

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one liners?

Because he can't do stand up.

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself..

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady

but you would never know because he can't stand up?

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Oh wait nvm lol

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

What do the Atlanta hawks and a bad powerlifter have in common?

They both have a weak bench.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Redhead, Blonde, and Burnette

3 girls a Redhead, Blonde, and Burnette jumped off a cliff. On the way down God said, "You all may have one wish, that is you may choose one thing to be transformed into immediately."

The Redhead chose a hawk and instantly turned into a hawk.

The Burnette chose a butterfly and instant...

You know what they're gonna say when Tony Hawk dies?

Tony Hawks Underground

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superhero Nude Beach

Before I write the joke, I wanted to give credit to who it came from. I worked as a reporter very briefly, and we had an older fella that would always tell us one joke a day. He was a great guy and I just wanted to pass on one of his jokes that always stood out to me, so here it is.

If you we...

Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

I feel like school subjects need to be represented by animals

English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading.
History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else.
And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

Have you ever walked past Stepehen Hawking's house?

Neither has he.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his dad, the tribe chief, how he was named

“When your sister was born, I walked outside and saw a silver wolf. That’s why she’s called Silver Wolf. When your brother was born, I walked outside and saw a gliding hawk. That’s why he’s called Flying Hawk. That explain it, Two Dogs Fucking?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephan Hawking was gay...

He'd be a fruit AND a vegetable.

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange

You must be a Tony Hawk game

because when I'm with you, I'm Neversoft.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

TIL Stephen Hawking is British

Never realized because of his accent.

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Why did Stephen Hawking get deferred from the cryogenics lab?

Because the doctors knew you shouldn't freeze vegetables.

How do we know it’s Stephen Hawking talking and not just the black box?

There are no ads.

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

Stephen Hawking is a terrible role model for our kids.

He only looks one way when crossing the street

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

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