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Why did the condom fly out of the window?

Because it got pissed off!

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk

what kind of bagel can fly?

a plain bagel

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A fly

Once there was a forest and in this forest there was a river. Flying above this river there was a fly about six inches from the water.

But what the fly didn't know is that there was a fish looking at the fly, and the fish thought to himself. That fly drops down six inches I'm gonna have mysel...

An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.

An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answers, "I did a few times in ...

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

Why couldn't the eagle fly out of the country?

Because it was an ill eagle.

When geese fly south in a V formation. One line is always longer. You know why?

There's more geese in that line.

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What's the last thing that goes through a fly's head right as it hits the windshield?

Its asshole.

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What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck

How gliders fly is kind of a mystery to me...

But I guess they have potential.

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3 Flys

So there are 3 flys buzzing around a house, looking for a place to sleep for the night. After hours of searching they come across a women sleeping. They decide that's the best place to sleep. One fly sleeps in her ear, the second fly sleeps in her nose and the third fly sleeps in her vagina.

...

Why did the golfer's shots always fly in a spiral pattern?

He was using a screwdriver.

Why Was the Blond Mathematician's Fly Open?

Just in case he needed to count to 11.



A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

You catch more flies with honey...

...but you catch more honeys by being fly.

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What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

What’s small than a teeny weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny!!

My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it!

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.......

I love this joke because it never grows old...

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

[1st day as a cop] Captain: "why did you call for back up? " Me: "There was a fly in my car!"

Swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do!?"

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man off a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

One day I’m growing to fly!

For now I’m just a maggot.

Why did the frog cross the airport runway?

To get out of the no fly zone.

Any plane is a bomber if you fly it right...

Right into the enemy that is.

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

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As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

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Fly

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and w...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”



A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”



Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

why do birds fly south during the winter?

Because it would take forever to walk

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

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Fly like a butterfly

Sting like a bee,
I slept with yo mama,
And now it hurts to pee

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I accidentally swallowed a fly today

i think my cock sucking strength is good now and I should switch focuses to improving my aim

What do 9/11 jokes and planes that fly over New York have in common?

They don't always land.

Why did the seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it’d be a bagel

Why don't ducks fly upside-down?

Because then they would quack up.

What did the spider say to the fly?

Welcome to web

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

My first original joke, from elementary school days: What do flies drink?

Fly swatter.

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

What gives dumbo the ability to fly?

Air force one

What's the difference between a fly an a mosquito ?

A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

A blonde gets on an airplane to fly back home

As she enters the plane, she begins jumping up and down, all the way to her seat.

The flight attendant notices this, concerned for the blondes mental state, notifies the captain of her actions.

The captain walks down to the blonde, who’s now bouncing in her seat. He asks the blonde “w...

Two flies land on a pile of manure.

One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

Last year, I saw a ghost fly by

And September went really slow

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

imagine dating a fly girl for 20 years, and you're about to get married

but then you find out she's actually a ton of bees

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

A flock of seagulls wanted to fly to Iran...

..but Iran so far away!

Why couldn't the Wong brothers get their prototype plane to fly?

Because two Wongs don't make a Wright.

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

Your fly is open!

An army secretary was trying to be discreet with her boss when she saw his fly was open so she said “excuse me sir but your Barack’s door is open.” He replied “oh it is? Well do you see a soldier standing at attention?” She responded “No sir. I see a disable veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

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So there's this fly above a river.

And in that river, is a fish, who sees that fly. The fish says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, I'll catch the fly, and have myself a nice meal."


And near the river, is a bear, who sees that fish and fly. The bear says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish w...

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

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A salmon is watching a fly hover 6 inches above the pond and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, I'm going to eat it."

A bear is on the shore and is watching the salmon. The bear thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, and I will eat the salmon."

A hunter is watching the bear and thinks to himself, "when that fly drops, the salmon will eat it, the bear will eat the salmon, and I will...

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?

Bad casting.

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

A mite is sitting on a fly.

Fly : Hey you, on my back. Are you a mite?

Mite : I mite be.

Fly : That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard.

Mite : Well what did you expect. I just made it on the fly.

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