UPJOKE
letterwuvsnjbhzlgpck

A fly feels a bug on its back!

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I mite be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato, and a Pig flying through the air?

One's a heated yam, while the other's a yeeted ham.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"



The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."



"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
...

Doc Brown and Marty McFly travel back in time to Northern England in 1298

They park behind the bushes near a field, just in time to see two armies about to clash.

"This is the Battle of Falkirk, Marty." says Doc, handing him a pair of binoculars.

Marty watches a man leading the charge into battle and asks, "Who's that guy in the face paint?"

With a te...

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a fly on the edge of the urinal today

I pissed him off

Why did the fly fall off the wall?

Because someone tied a piano to its leg.

Flying

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a c...

What’s the difference between flying pigs and honest politicians?

There actually was a time when Swine Flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the condom fly across the room?

'cause it was pissed off.

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of engineering professors were invited to fly a plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
...

On land, the Pope gets around in The Popemobile, but what does he use to fly?

A papal airplane.

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"


The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying across town when

He spots Wonder Woman laying on a roof top naked. All exposed soaking up the sun. He thinks to himself, "I'm Superman. I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could swish down there, do a few pumps and be out before ya know it!"

So, Superman swoops down, pumps out at Mach III and is gone jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fly

There was a fly hovering 12 inches above the water in a lake
A fish in the lake was watching the fly, knowing that if the fly drops six inches it could jump out of the water and catch it.
A bear hidden in the woods, was watching the fish that was watching the fly knowing that if the fly drops ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

What bee doesn't fly very well?

Kobe

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels

I hit a vulture with my truck. It went flying into a patrol car in the oncoming lane.

The officer wrote me up for flipping him the bird.

A lot of people talk about when pigs fly

but swine flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard the one about the fly?

There was a fly, and he was flying about 4 inches above this stream.

Well in the stream there was this Trout, the Trout was thinking to himself, " Man, if that fly dropped down about 4 inches I could grab that little shit and have myself a nice little snack. "

Well, what the Trout di...

Back in my day we had to fly those bombs to the target. They didn't ride on these fancy rockets.

Ok bomber.

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

What's a flying rabbit have on its back?

An eagle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

What is big, grey and can't fly?

A parking lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that ne...

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push him out of the plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

Good Evening and thank you for flying with us.

If you look out the left side, the engine there is on fire. If you look out the right side, the engine there has fallen off. If you look out the window straight down, you would see a speck on the ocean. That's the copilot and I on a raft. This is a recorded message. Have a safe flight.

A story of a fly and mosquito

What’s the difference between fly and mosquito -:
A mosquito can fly,but fly can’t mosquito.

I passed my genetic engineering exam, with flying koalas

Am I over Koalafied

A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids. A lady went and sat down next to him.

"Are these all your kids?", she asked.

The man replied, "No. I work at a condom factory, and these are all the complaints."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off!

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies were talking about their plans to fly overseas after COVID winds down

- As soon as this mess is over, I'm flying to Paris, France!
- France you say? Wow, you're going to have a blast. Paris is the sex capital of the world. You'll probably get laid on the flight out, certainly in the cab on the way to the hotel. And when you reach the hotel, man, you won't believe i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

What happens when a fly is naughty

It gets grounded

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

How do lice fly home for Christmas?

American Hairlines

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".



Edit: *To everyone making jokes in the comments comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.*

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

How does an undercover pilot fly?

In da skies

A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

a joke that i saw in a youtube video a few years back

Two markets were flying in the the sky, when suddenly Market 1 stops and says "Wait a minute, markets don't fly", to which Market 2 responds "Oh, right" before falling down to the ground. Upon landing Market 2 looks up and sees Market 1 still up above, so he shouts "Why are you still flying? Markets...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

A group of politicians are flying over Italy...

The mayor from Pisa exclaims "We're flying over Pisa!"
"How can you tell?" the others ask.

"Look, you can see the Leaning Tower!"
Later, a Roman parliamentarian shouts "We're flying over beautiful Roma!"
How can you tell?" the others ask.
"Look, you can see the Coliseum!"<...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. Howe...

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car?

It's butt

[Long] One day a Snail decides he’s moving a little too slow..

… so he decides it’s time to get a car. He doesn’t have a lot of money so he buys a used French sedan. The snail is so impressed how fast he gets around town.

From place to place he wizzes by this slug, beetle and worm friends. While that car isn’t a racer by any means, the snail doesn’t kno...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

Two Markets were flying but only one fell

The other one was an Supermarket
(I dunno if it’s reposted sorry)

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

Why did the frog complain to the manager at a restaurant?

There wasn't a fly in his soup

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

What’s a fly’s favourite pickup line?

Is this stool taken?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is flying over a river

(Sorry for bad eanglish)

In the rive is a fish and the flhe tought to himself "if the fly would just come little bit lower i could jump and eat it"

On one of the sides is a bear and thinks to him self "if the fly would go lower the fish would jump and I could snach him"

On the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
r>A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my copilot, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

A boy looks longingly to the distant islands

He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he’s got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, “well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Jeff Bezos, next time, can you fly that phallic-looking rocket...

up Uranus?

A fly loses his wings and 4 legs, what is he now?

A draggin fly

This joke MIGHT fly over some of y'alls heads.

I asked my pet cat what's two minus two. He said nothing.

They say geese mate for life

But in my experience they fly away as soon as you let go of them.

I watched a fly get drunk yesterday.

I saw it land in my wife's tea and I didn't say anything.

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

A college student wanted to sit nex to one of his teachers at lunch...

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘I shall not be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

So there is a penguin, they had a suit and tie.

Yet, no one said that they look fly.

The fly remained undecided during the debate.

He was..

On the Pence

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.