A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for a few hours.

Throw a man out of a flying plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Disabled

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it was pissed off))

What has wings, but cannot fly? What can run, but has no legs?

The nose.

What do you call a Phoenix that can't fly?

Joaquin Phoenix

Why do moths fly with their feet apart?

Have you seen the size of moth balls?

Why don’t seagulls fly over bays?

Because then they would be bagels!

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

Bees can fly higher than mount Everest

because mount Everest can't fly

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Cause they’re not baygulls

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly and and looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, i'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.

What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The bear is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, that fish gets that fly and i'm gonna go in then get that fish i'm gonna have myself a really nice meal.

What the bear didn't reali...

What's the difference between a fly and a mosquito?

A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked

“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”

Baffled she asked how he knew what they were

“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

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I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced “The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?”

Nobody said anything so I said “sure, I’ll give it a shot” and went into the cockpit.

I swear to God, it took me *4 hours* just to get it off the runway.

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What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

It’s butt.

What did the weeb say, when he saw an alien spaceship fly across the sky?

"Look! A UWO!"

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.



That fly didn't stand a chance.

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

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England, Scotland and Ireland all walk into a bar and order a Pint.

After a minute or so the barkeep brings them their drinks. They all look down and find a fly in their drinks.

England turns its nose up at the drink and pushes it away, Scotland shrugs its shoulders and flicks the fly out, But Ireland grabs the fly by the wings and while shaking it shouts "S...

In the world of flies, a young fly needed a heart transplant.

After being taken to surgery, the fly anesthesiologist put the young fly to sleep. The fly doctor's assistant cut open the young fly’s chest. He then announced to the fly heart doctor, "Your fly is open."

The heart doctor blushed.

Why is Peter Pan always flying

He Neverlands

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What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck

What’s small than a teeny weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny!!

My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it!

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

An eldrely pilot flies to Berlin.

An elderly pilot flies a private plane to Berlin. He lands, but gets lost on the taxiway. So he panics, stops the engine, and a massive jam builds up.

The trafic controller asks him angrily over the radio, "Did you ever fly to Berlin before?"

The pilot answers, "I did a few times in ...

Why did NASA fly to the Moon?

It's too far to walk

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

-- Cortana on my tablet

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3 Flys

So there are 3 flys buzzing around a house, looking for a place to sleep for the night. After hours of searching they come across a women sleeping. They decide that's the best place to sleep. One fly sleeps in her ear, the second fly sleeps in her nose and the third fly sleeps in her vagina.

...

How gliders fly is kind of a mystery to me...

But I guess they have potential.

Why couldn't the eagle fly out of the country?

Because it was an ill eagle.

When geese fly south in a V formation. One line is always longer. You know why?

There's more geese in that line.

why do bird fly south for winter?

because its too long for a walk

Why Was the Blond Mathematician's Fly Open?

Just in case he needed to count to 11.



A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

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What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

Why did the golfer's shots always fly in a spiral pattern?

He was using a screwdriver.

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A hunting tale

There’s a fly flying above a stream and there’s a fish watching the fly and it’s thinking “if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have a great meal.” Meanwhile, there’s a bear on the bank watching the fish thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get the fly and I’m gonna have a great ...

[1st day as a cop] Captain: "why did you call for back up? " Me: "There was a fly in my car!"

Swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do!?"

One day I’m growing to fly!

For now I’m just a maggot.

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”



A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”



Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

You catch more flies with honey...

...but you catch more honeys by being fly.

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

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Fly

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and w...

Why did the frog cross the airport runway?

To get out of the no fly zone.

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Fly on a log

On a sunny day in a beautiful forest, there was a log lazily floating on a river. On that log was a fly. The fly was caught by a fish's eye, who thinks 'heres a little snack. If he was a few inches closer to the edge of that log, I could jump out of the water and way him.'

Meanwhile, a bear i...

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

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As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

What do 9/11 jokes and planes that fly over New York have in common?

They don't always land.

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Fly like a butterfly

Sting like a bee,
I slept with yo mama,
And now it hurts to pee

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

what's the difference between a bird and a fly?

a bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

(credit to mr bean joke book i had when i was a kid)

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I accidentally swallowed a fly today

i think my cock sucking strength is good now and I should switch focuses to improving my aim

What gives dumbo the ability to fly?

Air force one

Why don't ducks fly upside-down?

Because then they would quack up.

What did the spider say to the fly?

Welcome to web

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

My first original joke, from elementary school days: What do flies drink?

Fly swatter.

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

imagine dating a fly girl for 20 years, and you're about to get married

but then you find out she's actually a ton of bees

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