Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.

It’s usually the other way around.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Still a fly. The irony is unfortunate but the name doesn’t change.

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

Why doesn’t a seagull fly over the bay?

Because then it’d be a bagel.

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

What type of bagels can fly?

Plane bagels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Sure, you could teach me how to fly a drone

But I think it would just go over my head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey did you guys hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

Yeah he got pissed off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it got pissed off.

When birds migrate, they fly in a V. One side of the V is always longer than the other. Know why?

One side has more birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people are walking in the woods when they see a strange bird fly overhead. One of them looks up and says, “look, it’s a Foo bird.” The bird circles and then shits on the first person’s head...

He wipes the shit off and immediately dies. The other 2 take off running. The Foo bird circles again and shits on the second person’s head. She frantically tries to brush it off, while running away and immediately dies. The bird circles yet again and then shits on the third person’s head. They ...

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In a little old town near a little old river, a fly is hovering just above the water.

There is a fish under the surface of the water looking at a fly, thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches, I could catch the fly and that would me my meal for the day.'

But there was a bird in a nearby tree looking at the fish, looking at the fly and thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches...

What does a fly get after drinking a beer?

A buzz.

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

The mosquito can fly but the fly can't mosquito

A stork was flying with an old man in its beak

After a while, the old man turns to the stork and says: “Come on, man. Just admit we’re lost”

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

What do you call a retired fly?

A flew

Do you know why Peter Pan could fly?

If you took a pan to your peter you would fly too! ^(joke courtesy of my dad. A genuine dad joke :P)

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Two Flies Eating Shit

Once upon a time there were two flies sitting on shit and having a feast. Suddenly one of them throws up. The other fly asks: "What happened?" To which the first fly answers: "There was hair in it."

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

They always say "when pigs fly"...

but cops have had helicopters for years!

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I'm sorry

People that said 2020 would fly by...

...Didn’t know that it would zoom

What kind of biscuits fly?

The plain ones

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Two Ryanair pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.

Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.”

Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the little fly crying?

Because her mother eats shit for a living.

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

There's a fly in my soup !

Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best En...

I never thought I'd fall in love but I met somebody who makes me feel like I can fly

My flight instructor.

A man flying on a plane noticed that this one woman in the other aisle had a terrible-looking baby.

Ugly baby. I mean, a bad-looking baby. The woman caught him staring, and she says, “What are you looking at?” He said, “I’m looking at that ugly baby. That’s a hell of a kid you got there. Don’t worry, no one will steal THAT baby.”

The woman took this as an offence. She calls for the st...

[NSFW] Why is Flo Rida unzipping his fly?

He‘s goin‘ down for rear

Buy a man a plane ticket, and he will fly for a day

Throw a man from a plane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

In the midst of the pandemic, passengers flying with United Airlines are shocked to see that the middle seats on their flights are booked.

Meanwhile, passengers flying with Frontier Airlines are shocked to see that any seats on their flights are booked.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be Bagels.

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the last thing to pass through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a speeding car?

It's ass.

What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter 'F'

The letter 'F'







\*stolen from quora

What does the president do when he finds a fly in his office?

He calls in the SWAT team!

Why do geese fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!

“Fly guy!” the little girl called out to her “fly friends”

Her mother, getting annoyed at the persistent calls, reprimanded her daughter, “They’re not your friends! They are just annoying little pests!”

The little girl looks up at her mother, on the verge of tears, and goes, “No they’re gnat!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men and a woman flying on a plane...

Suddenly both engines stop, plane starts to go down. Guy#1 takes the only parachute and is going to jump out of the plane. But guy#2 says “Hey, there’s a lady for Christ’s sake!” Guy#1 looks at his wristwatch and says... “Do you think we have time for this?”

What’s the difference between politicians and flying pigs?

The letter F

COP: I saw you fly through that intersection

**Me:** The light was green.

**Flight attendant:** That’s not why he’s mad.

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

A fly felt something bite his back...

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"

"Hey! What are you? A mite? "

Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"

Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."

Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

Why is Tinker Bell always flying around?

Because she lives in Neverland.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.
What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the condom fly across the room?

He was pissed off.

When people suffering from baldness go abroad, they often fly on...

..Receeding Airline.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

What does the Cessna pilot say when you ask him to fly across the Atlantic?

He Cessna

I just opened a birthday card and rice went flying everywhere

It was from uncle Ben

Little Jimmy is in class and the teacher asks:

"if there are 9 birds on a fence and the farmer shoots 1, how many birds are left?"
Jimmy raises his hand and says;
none, because the rest is startled by the shot and will fly away.
To which the teacher says, "Well Jimmy, the correct answer is 8, but I like the way you think."
Ji...

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot..

A friend of mine confessed his fetish for Flying type pokemon

It was really hard to swellow.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest

In retrospect, this was pretty obvious considering that Mt. Everest can't fly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bug is flying around and get smashed into a car window. What was the last thing to go through his head?

His ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Fly and the Pitchfork (long)

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out. She ate and ate … and then... s...

When geese fly in a v-formation why is one side longer than the other?

Because there are more geese on that side.

(My 90 year old great uncle claims to have made this up, I dont know if he did or not but I love it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'....

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

I was attacked by a band of flying nuns.

It was a total Cloisterflock.

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s this fly.....

There’s a fly hovering six inches above the surface of the water.
A fish below the fly says to himself “if that fly drops six inches, I can leap up and catch the fly for dinner.”
There’s a bear on the bank of the water.
The bear says “if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to go...

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

Why doesn't Enrique Eglesias fly anywhere?

He prefers to go *by lando*

What do you call a flying pig?

A swine flu

Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is terrified of flying.

So before our vacation I took her to see a therapist, the therapist says to her, there is nothing to worry about, when your time is up, your time is up. She shouted out, "What if it's the pilots time up?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Just been fly fishing

Caught a lovely blue bottle

I saw a fly fly into a window today

All it felt was pane

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

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