A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

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A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly

Dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for it to go for the fish to shoot it.

A...

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day

Push a man *off* the plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

When geese fly in a V do you know why one line is longer than the other?

There are more birds in that line.

What do you call a black person who flys a plane?

A pilot you racist

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So there's this fly above a river.

And in that river, is a fish, who sees that fly. The fish says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, I'll catch the fly, and have myself a nice meal."


And near the river, is a bear, who sees that fish and fly. The bear says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish w...

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

Your fly is open!

An army secretary was trying to be discreet with her boss when she saw his fly was open so she said “excuse me sir but your Barack’s door is open.” He replied “oh it is? Well do you see a soldier standing at attention?” She responded “No sir. I see a disable veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?

Bad casting.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, then they would be bagels.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

Why do geese fly in a V formation?

Because if they walked it'd take too long.

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because walking takes too long.

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

Fly Swatter

A woman arrives in the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and says "What are you doing?"

He replies: "I'm chasing the flies..."
She asks "Did you kill them?"

He says "As a matter of fact, yes, 3 males and 2 females

Intrigued, she asks him: "How do you make the ...

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other.

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There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish ...

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

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A fly is flying over a lake (long)

Thinks to himself if I fly lower it will be cooler.

A fish in the lake is thinking at the same time if that fly comes lower I can jump up and have my lunch!

A bear on the side of the lake is thinking if that fly goes down the fish will jump up and I can run out and have my lunch.
...

How much does it cost to fly to South America?

A Brazillion dollars

(I stole this from Trixie Mattel)

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)

So there's this fly hovering few inches above this lake...

There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".

But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if...

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Can birds fly without feathers?

And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?

What's the difference between a flying pig and Trump?

The letter "F".

A mite is sitting on a fly.

Fly : Hey you, on my back. Are you a mite?

Mite : I mite be.

Fly : That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard.

Mite : Well what did you expect. I just made it on the fly.

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

What kind of bagel can fly?

Plain Bagel

Making Pigs Fly

What do you add to a pig to make it fly? Just add eon.

I only fly on married airplanes

They never go down on you.

An Englishman is dining in a French restaurant when he notices that the Frenchman at the next table has a fly in his soup.

So he dredges up his best schoolboy French and says <<*Pardon, m'sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage!*>>

The Frenchman looks, sees the fly, and says <<*Merci, m'sieur!*>> and signals for the waiter before adding helpfully, <<*mais ce n'est pas* **un** ...

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Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?

There is nothing there worth shitting on.

What’s smaller than a teeny, weenie fly?

A fly’s teeny weenie.

I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

Whats the difference between a fly and a bird

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird

I'll never fly delta again.

I tried to board with two dead comfort cats and they said I could only have one carrion.

I fly communist class

Your seat is our seat.

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A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

An angry mom once told me that she’d get her kid vaccinated when pigs fly.

Alas, swine flu.

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A fly is sitting alone on a pile of crap. A fly lands next to him and says,

Is this stool taken?

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Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

He was pissed off.

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Two flies

So these two flies went out to eat. One fly says to the other damn this tastes like shit. Other fly says see i told you it was good.

Frosty Fly

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.
"What's happened to you?" he asks.
"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.
"Oh, well next time, what you sho...

In a world where idiots could fly

Instagram would be an airport

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Flies in vine glasses

A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finn...

Why does Peter Pan always fly?

He Neverlands!

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A frog was sitting on a lily pad and saw a fly..

Little did the fly know the frog was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches I can grab it".

Little did the frog know a fish was thinking "if that fly moves down 4 inches the frog will grab it and I can eat the frog".

Little did the fish know a bear was thinking "if that fly moves do...

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

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There was a fly...(nsfw)

There is a fly on a blade of grass sitting over a stream. In the stream under the blade of grass is a fish.
The fish is looking at the fly thinking he could jump up and have a great snack.
He doesn’t know there is a mountain lion sitting on the bank looking at it.
The mountain lion is looki...

What do you you call a group of people running around with fly swatters?

SWAT team.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
<...

Why can’t Ben Shapiro fly an airplane?

He always destroys the left wing.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

What kind of internet to flies use?

Wi-Fly

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

An american, a french, an arab and a swiss are on a fly...

Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".

The american take billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"

Then the french drop cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"

The arab drop gallon of oil and sa...

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What do you call a black man that fly's a plane?

A Pilot, you fucking racist.

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Disclaimer: This is not my joke but it's too good not to share.

What did a flock of seagulls say when they realized it would take them a long time to fly to the Middle East?

Iran, Iran so far away

What do you call a fiery bird that can’t fly?

A Joaquin Phoenix