What’s small than a teeny weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny!!

My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it!

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What goes trough a fly's mind when it smashes into the windscreen ?

Its ass .

One day I’m growing to fly!

For now I’m just a maggot.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man off a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

What do you call a mermaid that can fly

Ariel

Who invented the first airplane that wouldn’t fly?

The Wrong Brothers

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

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I accidentally swallowed a fly today

i think my cock sucking strength is good now and I should switch focuses to improving my aim

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

​

A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

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Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a...

Why does Peter Pan always fly?

He Neverlands

Why don't ducks fly upside-down?

Because then they would quack up.

What did the spider say to the fly?

Welcome to web

How do birds learn to fly?

They just wing it.

What gives dumbo the ability to fly?

Air force one

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Fly

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.

A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.

A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and w...

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Fly like a butterfly

Sting like a bee,
I slept with yo mama,
And now it hurts to pee

Why does everyone use the expression “When Pigs Fly?”

I don’t get it... Hercules rode on his Pigasus YEARS ago!

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

Why did the seagull fly over the sea?

Because if it flew over the bay it’d be a bagel

My first original joke, from elementary school days: What do flies drink?

Fly swatter.

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A Japanese sword master is demonstrating a new move to his students.

"There is fly in room", he says, "I will now put on blindfold and slash it with sword".

As his students watch on, he suddenly performs one swift stroke of his blade, takes off his blindfold and bows to his students.

"I'm confused", says one of his students, "Fly is still buzzing around...

How do you make time fly?

Throw a clock

What do 9/11 jokes and planes that fly over New York have in common?

They don't always land.

What's the difference between a fly an a mosquito ?

A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

Two flies land on a pile of manure.

One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it got pissed off.

Teacher: Give me an example of a bird that has wings but can not fly...

Student: A dead bird.

A flock of seagulls wanted to fly to Iran...

..but Iran so far away!

A blonde gets on an airplane to fly back home

As she enters the plane, she begins jumping up and down, all the way to her seat.

The flight attendant notices this, concerned for the blondes mental state, notifies the captain of her actions.

The captain walks down to the blonde, who’s now bouncing in her seat. He asks the blonde “w...

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

Why couldn't the Wong brothers get their prototype plane to fly?

Because two Wongs don't make a Wright.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

When geese fly in a V do you know why one line is longer than the other?

There are more birds in that line.

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One day, the emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

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So there's this fly above a river.

And in that river, is a fish, who sees that fly. The fish says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, I'll catch the fly, and have myself a nice meal."


And near the river, is a bear, who sees that fish and fly. The bear says to himself, "If that fly drops three inches, that fish w...

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

Your fly is open!

An army secretary was trying to be discreet with her boss when she saw his fly was open so she said “excuse me sir but your Barack’s door is open.” He replied “oh it is? Well do you see a soldier standing at attention?” She responded “No sir. I see a disable veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

Why do geese fly in a V formation?

Because if they walked it'd take too long.

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

What do you call a black person who flys a plane?

A pilot you racist

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all sitting in a pub

The Englishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, and calls out to the bartender, "Hey mate, there's a fly in my beer. Get me another pint!"

The Scotsman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, scoops it out and keeps drinking.

The Irishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, picks it up...

When birds fly in a 'v' formation, one side is always longer.

After millions of dollars and thousands of hours spent researching this phenomena, scientists believe they now know why. It's because one side has more birds than the other.

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So there's this fly hovering a few inches above this lake...

(This is a long one but it's good trust me)

So there's this fly hovering few inches above this lake...

There's a fish in the lake thinking to himself "if that fly were to drop a few inches I'd be able to eat the fly".

But there's also a bear on the shore thinking to himself "if...

Why was the movie about fly fishing a box office flop?

Bad casting.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

Fly Swatter

A woman arrives in the kitchen and sees her husband with a fly swatter and says "What are you doing?"

He replies: "I'm chasing the flies..."
She asks "Did you kill them?"

He says "As a matter of fact, yes, 3 males and 2 females

Intrigued, she asks him: "How do you make the ...

A mite is sitting on a fly.

Fly : Hey you, on my back. Are you a mite?

Mite : I mite be.

Fly : That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard.

Mite : Well what did you expect. I just made it on the fly.

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There was once a fish in the stream who was looking up at a fly...

...the fish thought, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches, I would have myself a nice meal.”
Meanwhile, there is a bear sitting behind a tree, looking at the fish who was looking at the fly. The bear is thinking, “boy if that fly drops 6 inches and that fish goes up to get it, I’ll go grab that fish ...

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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A fly is flying over a lake (long)

Thinks to himself if I fly lower it will be cooler.

A fish in the lake is thinking at the same time if that fly comes lower I can jump up and have my lunch!

A bear on the side of the lake is thinking if that fly goes down the fish will jump up and I can run out and have my lunch.
...

How much does it cost to fly to South America?

A Brazillion dollars

(I stole this from Trixie Mattel)

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Can birds fly without feathers?

And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?

What's the difference between a flying pig and Trump?

The letter "F".

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

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Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?

There is nothing there worth shitting on.

I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

An Englishman is dining in a French restaurant when he notices that the Frenchman at the next table has a fly in his soup.

So he dredges up his best schoolboy French and says <<*Pardon, m'sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage!*>>

The Frenchman looks, sees the fly, and says <<*Merci, m'sieur!*>> and signals for the waiter before adding helpfully, <<*mais ce n'est pas* **un** ...

I only fly on married airplanes

They never go down on you.

I fly communist class

Your seat is our seat.

What’s smaller than a teeny, weenie fly?

A fly’s teeny weenie.