A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

Give a man a plane ticket, and he'll fly for a day

Throw a man off a flight and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

How do reindeer fly?

They use their Missile-toes.

(courtesy of my ten year old this morning lol)

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There was a fly above a river

A fish sees the fly and thinks "If it comes down about 3 inches lower I can jump up and eat it". A bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks "if the that fly goes a few more inches lower, the fish will jump to get it and I can snag the fish in the air". A hunter who's been tracking the bear for some...

What do you call a fly designed by Bethesda?

A T-pose.

I saw a fly fly into a window today

All it felt was pane

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Because they would quack up!

How come the seagull couldn’t fly over the bay?

Cause then it would be a bagel..

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We're currently filming the pilot.

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

What happened to the fly when he tried to get through a screen door?

He strained himself.

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

What’s the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies...

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Why did the condom fly around the room?

Because it was pissed off

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FATHER FLY: 2 things you need to know...

BABY FLY: OK?

FATHER FLY: We live for 24 hours.

BABY FLY: Oh...

FATHER FLY: and you eat shit your entire life.

BABY FLY: Do you think maybe if we didn’t eat shit we could live longer?... Dad? Dad wake up!

Why don't vultures like to fly?

Because they're only allowed one carrion.

The professors of an engineering school are invited to fly on a new plane

When they arrive, they are told that the plane was built by their students. After hearing this, almost all the teachers run away and leave the plane, except for one.
When is asked "why did you stay in the plane?" He says "i know my students and i am pretty confident that this thing won't even tu...

Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in the milk pail the next morning?

It went into one ear and out the udder.

Why don’t black women wear panties when flying?

They know the first thing rescuers will look for is the black box

A rich guy is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through his head?

The helicopter blade

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

What plane does a ghost fly?

Booeing

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What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?

A shitty pity gang bang

Using the phrase "when pigs fly" to suggest an impossibility is surely out of date.

The police have had helicopters for years now.

What’s on the back of a flying rabbit?

An eagle.

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

Why did the cannibal fly to Ireland?

He wanted some McDonalds

Donald Trump is flying over New York City.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."...

Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?

Because it is easier than walking! I'm so sorry guys.

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

What did the chef say to the fly he trapped under a strainer?

This is a fine mesh you've gotten yourself into!

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Two flies are sitting on a turd...

....one fly farts, and the other fly says "eww gross, I'm trying to eat."

It's not winter until the geese are done flying...

And the tweakers strip all the copper out of air conditioning units.

What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

What do you call a bird that doesn’t want to fly?

Chicken

Superman can fly but...

Clark Kent.

Airplane Pilot flies with his Cat

There's an old pilot with a little 2-seat plane who loves flying alone with his cat, & goes on all sorts of adventures together.

One day during a flight, he starts experiencing engine trouble, & declares an emergency:

"Mayday, Mayday, engine failure."

After some communic...

Bees can fly higher than mount Everest

because mount Everest can't fly

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

Several engineer teachers are invited to fly a plane

Then the teachers are told that their students made the plane. All the teachers immediately gets off except one. When questioned about why the teacher didn’t get off the teacher responded

I have complete faith in my student, if they made the plane, there is NO WAY that this plane will even ta...

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

What has wings, but cannot fly? What can run, but has no legs?

The nose.

What do you call a Phoenix that can't fly?

Joaquin Phoenix

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying high above the sky when he notices Wonder Woman lying naked on a rooftop with her legs spread...

...so he decides to quickly fly down, bone her, and fly out before she even notices. In a split second he swooshes in and does just that.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman shouts loudly.

"I don't know but my butt hurts," Invisible Man replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced “The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?”

Nobody said anything so I said “sure, I’ll give it a shot” and went into the cockpit.

I swear to God, it took me *4 hours* just to get it off the runway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

Why do moths fly with their feet apart?

Have you seen the size of moth balls?

You ever wondered by bees hum when flying?

Its because they don't know the words.

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

Did you hear about the Irishman who could fly?

It’s Rick O’Shea’s distant cousin.
His name is Rick O’Treboshea.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Cause they’re not baygulls

What does a fly say when he’s evicted without warning?

A little notice would be nice!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a flying nun?

Virgin Airlines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman was flying....

Superman was flying and sees wonder woman sunbathing naked.

He says to himself: "Im super man i can fly down there, be quick and get outta there"

He proceeds to do so and as he leaves wonder woman says: "what was that"

The invisible man says:"I don't know but damn my ass hurts"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.

Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.

Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.

Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?

St...

Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”



A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”



Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out ...

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

“Have you hit any yet” she asked

“Yeah, 3 male and 2 females”

Baffled she asked how he knew what they were

“Well 3 were in my beer and two were on the dishwasher”

What do you call a fly with one wing and three legs?

A hop

I hate flying vehicles.

A lot of them are so plane.

Two bumblebees are flying along together

One of them sees the other, and notices that they’re wearing a yarmulke.

The bee asks, “Why are you wearing of of those?”

“This? I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m a wasp.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

It’s butt.

Why aren't farmers investing in flying cows?

Because the steaks are too high.

The screenwriters for UP were flying to get a view of what it would be like for the characters on screen. They had a fair idea, and they stopped writing. As soon as they did, the wind took them off course and higher than ever.

They got caught in an UP draft.

What’s small than a teeny weeny fly?

A fly’s teeny weeny!!

My mom told me this joke when I was about 6 and it still makes me smile every time I think of it!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”

The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proce...

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