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Paddle Jokes

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

One afternoon at the paddle boat hire hut...

"Come in number nine. Your time is up."

"Umm...we only have eight paddle boats."

"Number six? Are you experiencing difficulties?"

When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?

Either oar.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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A Blond Biking sees another Blond Paddling her canoe

They stop abruptly in confusion, watching this Blond paddling a canoe in the middle of a field of grass.

Quickly the confusion turns to anger as they continue to watch this Blond getting nowhere but continuing to paddle

They shout out loud to the other Blond "Hey! You know it's blonds...

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

"Hey man, I've never been in a two man rowboat before. Do I take this paddle or that one?"

"Either oar."

Did you hear about the paddle sale?

It was quite the ordeal (oar deal).

The Egyptian kayaker who lost his paddle

just couldn't accept the fact that
 

he was stuck in de nile.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

I needed some paddles for my canoe

So I found someone selling some on Craigslist. I went over, but his directions were all screwed up and there wasn't any cell coverage so it took me three hours to find the place. And then when I got there he tried to charge me four times what he'd posted on the site! So I argued with him for wha...

I was hit in the head with a paddle

It was oarrible

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Paddling down the river...

A Marine was lost in the Amazon. He managed to find a river with a canoe on the banks. He jumped in and started paddling down the river to find a settlement and a way home. As he was paddling, God was in Heaven watching him. God said to an Angel "Watch that Marine row. He has been going for 3 d...

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Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat?

A row bot.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

So two penguins are in the middle of a desert

and they're sitting in a canoe just paddling away, as hard as they can, not going anywhere, sand is flying everywhere, and they just keep paddling. eventually one penguin looks to the other and says "Where's your paddle" the other replies "Sure does."

Its usually a thinker for most, but i lov...

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Three married guys are bragging about how good they are in the sack

The first one goes: "First I rub my wife's whole body with massage oils for a good half hour then I lick her toes. She's usually pretty excited at that point. Then I come down on her for a long time until she begs for me to give her the d. I fuck her very slowly to build up her impatience and after ...

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

Two men are in a rowboat…

…After being shipwrecked in the middle of the Pacific. The first man looks over to the second and says: “We should paddle to the west. It is the way the ship was going. They’ll probably look for us first over there.”

The second man nods and says: “We could do that, or…”

The first man i...

A retired marine wanted to die in a cool way...

So he decided: "I'm going to canoe across the Atlantic Ocean, a wave ought kill me!"

And so he went, with his little canoe paddling across the Atlantic Ocean, always screaming:

"One, Two, Three, Four, Marine Corps, Oh Rah Oh Rah, Marine Corps!"

God looks upon him and says: "He s...

3 blonde girls is at the side of a river

And they're trying to get to the village on the other side

1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river

the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft a...

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Pissed off God by not seeing everyday miracles.

There's an old joke...

There's a flood. A man is standing in knee deep water in his house. Another man in a canoe paddles by and says "Get in I'll row you to safety!"

The man says,"No thanks. I've prayed and God will save me".

The water gets to his chest. Another man in a bass b...

Two penguins are rowing in a desert

One says to the other, “ Where’s the paddle.”


The other replies, “Sure do.”

There was a huge fight at the boat store.

Paddles were on clearance for 90% off, and people went crazy trying to get them.

It was quite an oar deal.

Father and son go on a kayaking tour

When they get home Mom notices he has a swollen black eye.

Mom: "Omg, what happened to your eye?"

Son: "There was a huge mosquito in the kayak"

Mom: "Did he bite you?"

Son: "Nope, Dad killed it with the paddle"

The story of the freezing kayaker

Once there was a man who liked to kayak during the winter, paddling along looking at the beautiful snow-covered scenery. Of course, it would get very cold out, so he would get very cold too.

One day he had an idea about how to keep warm. He sawed his kayak down the middle lengthwise and str...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

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A man gets a call from his mistress while he's at work

The mistress tells him, "come over tonight, and bring that thing I like"

That night he gets to his mistress' house, and they get right into it. Eventually she takes him to the bedroom, and crawls on the bed on her hands and knees. "Now do me like I like it". He climbs on the bed & puts it...

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

A guy goes fishing with Jesus in a small boat.

In the excitement of bringing in a fish one of the paddles gets dislodged and starts to float away. No problem I'll go get it says Jesus, and he just steps out and walks over to where it is and picks it up casually walking back to the boat.
Later his friends are asking him about their time on the...

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A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the ocean

Only 2 men and a woman survive the terrible tragedy, and relying on any floating debris, paddle their way to an island they spot nearby.

They make shelters, find food and water and all the basics needed to survive on an island in the middle of the ocean. After 3 months, they finally decide no...

The Queen of England is on a cruise

When they see Christiano Ronaldo thrashing for help in the middle of the ocean, being violently attacked by a great white shark.

But before she can have her staff do anything, a speedboat comes by, and in it is Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez! They pull up to the shark and hit it with paddles ti...

Giving blondes a bad name

A blonde woman is driving her car on an empty road past a field of corn one day, and spots a strange sight. In the middle of the field, a blonde girl is sitting in a rowboat, attempting to paddle to the road.

Furious, the woman stops her car and gets out. She shouts to the girl, "What are you...

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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

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Kinky Sex

A man at a bar sees a stunning brunette and asks if he can buy her a drink.
She replies "Look buddy, i know what you're trying to do here and let me just tell you that I scare a lot of men because i'm so kinky."
He says "I'm pretty kinky myself, perhaps we could see if we're compatible."
Ov...

An old but timely parable / joke for our times

A river valley was flooding fast. A TV news bulletin warned residents to get to higher ground. But as everyone was evacuating, a smug Evangelist stood his ground and declared "I will pray to God to deliver me from this disaster!"

So he prayed.

Some time went by and the floodwaters ro...

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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

Discipline is important

A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase,...

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Fishing with Jesus

A guy is out in a canoe fishing with Jesus when while reeling in a fish he gets a little excited and knocks the ores overboard. Oh shit now what are we going to do? Relax say's Jesus I got this, and gets out and walks over to the paddles, grabs them and walks back to the canoe.Later on in the bar th...

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passageway, one that is made at...

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Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix...

Jimmy goes to see a dominatrix that all his buddies keep recommending.

He nervously tells her, "All my friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic Vlasic Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything else. What is it exactly?"

She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you naked a...

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The honeymooners

So me and an old friend decide to go on a fishing trip. When we arrived at the lodge we were informed that the only boat they had was for the honeymoon cabin, we asked if it was available, but no, it had just been rented my a newly wed couple for the weekend.



So we rented a boat from ...

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A young boy was playing with his toy train...

A young boy was playing with his toy train in the living room. In a loud voice he says, 'The train goes zoomin' around and zoomin' around and zoomin' around!" Followed by, "Ding Ding!! Now arriving at the station! All you mother fuckers that want to get off the train, get off the train!. All you...

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The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

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An old man goes fishing by himself....

He has been a widower for the last 15 years and really has not been social since his wife passed. One day he decides to go out fishing early in the morning, so he packs up his canoe and gear and heads out to a local pond. Hours pass and he has not caught a thing, from the other side of the pond he h...

Surf's up?

A Californian surfer visiting Australia was having a good time catching the breakers at resorts along the Gold Coast, but wanted a special experience. He wanted to surf a beach where nobody, or almost nobody, goes.

So he gets in the car, drives north. At the first remote beach he hits, he has...

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