3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”

“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.

But it never took off

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

Man, balloons sure are getting expensive…

…I guess that’s inflation for ya.

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

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How do balloons reproduce?

Blowjobs.

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

There's a trick to eating hot air balloons.

They're really good when you get it down.

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon.

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon. It's sinking fast. They need to throw something out that they have a lot of or they will crash into the houses below. The Scottish man throws out a haggis. English man throws out a cup of tea. The American throws out a bomb. They ...

Two balloons are floating in the desert. First one says to other:

"Watch out for cactusssssssssss..."

"Where it isssssssssssss..."

I want to offer Cold Air Balloon rides

for people afraid of heights.

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

Why has the cost of balloons risen in the past ten years?

Because of inflation!

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

Son: Dad why does mom have balloons in her chest?

Dad: Ummmm, you blow them up when your mom dies so that she can fly to heaven

Son: Oh ok

*THE NEXT DAY*

Son (on phone): Dad come home quick mom is dying!

Dad: Wait what happened?

Son: Uncle John is blowing her balloons!

Why did no one give Elsa a balloon for her birthday?

Because she'll just Let It Go.

told to me by a 7yo that thought it was the funniest thing they've ever heard.

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

Baby Balloon

Baby balloon wants to get into mummy and daddy's bed.
Daddy says: No, son. You're too big and you've got your own bed, now off you go.

Baby balloon waits till mummy and daddy balloon are asleep and sneaks into bed beside them.
At first, there isn't much room, so he squeezes a bit of air...

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?

They ended up with a massive inflation problem.

A girl wrote ‘will you marry me?’ on a balloon

and her boyfriend immediately popped the question

What did the cactus say to the balloon?

Nothing, they cant talk.

What was the balloons last words to his dad?

Watch me Pop!

For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn’t stick to me

I’m absolutely ex-static!

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

Ha Ha Ha...i just in inhaled a Helium balloon..

He He He

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

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So I was looking for a job, and found a vacancy in some balloon company

turns out it was a blowjob...

Jerry Seinfeld had to quit telling his jokes from a hot air balloon.

They all went over our heads.

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

I went on a ballooning holiday ...

I put on 4 stone in 2 weeks

Two balloons are at a party. One turns to the other and says "Hey, did you see that needle? It looked like Michael Jackson! "

"Sure," replies the other, "they call it the King of Pop."

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

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What do you call it when someone is paid to inflate balloons?

A blowjob

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

If you see a balloon on the street, pop it.

We can't let him get any more DNA bubbles.

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NSFW I got a blowjob today.

Sadly it was as a tester at the local balloon factory.

Two men decided to try riding in a hot air balloon...

Neither of them has any experience ballooning. They leave the ground and suddenly realize they are way off course. The decide to let out some air and get close enough to the ground to yell out and get someone's attention.


They see a small town and yell out, a man in a suit looks up and ...

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

A clown who's job is going to parties and make all kind of balloons..

Is that considered a blow-job?

What did the needle say to the balloon?

"I am the king of pop."

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confett...

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

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20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

I don't think that balloons can be inflated.

Edit: well did not expect this to blow up.

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him

“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

What kind of music is a balloon scared of ?

Pop music.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

The balloon was very happy when I rubbed on my hair.

It was ecstatic.

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

How come balloons don't do drugs?

Because they're afraid of getting high and getting busted

PS: Heard in a TV show and wanted to share the laughter to everyone in here.

I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

Why did the mouse suck in the air out of a balloon when he wanted to start growing mushrooms?

Because he heard you have to start with mice helium.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

I heard balloons have gotten really expensive lately.

It must be because of inflation.

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

Breaking :A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon.

A spokesperson for the police said.. We held him for a while and then let him go..

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

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What do balloons and virgins have in common?

One prick and its gone.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

Friends are like balloons

If you stab them they die.

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My friend got a job offer making balloons.

He turned it down because he doesn't do blowjobs.

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