What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies...

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

Do you know why ordering balloons for a party is so expensive?

Inflation.

What did the needle say to the balloon?

"I am the king of pop."

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go



frozen 2 coming soon

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him

“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2 346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says "You must...

Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

The balloon was very happy when I rubbed on my hair.

It was ecstatic.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

2 balloons get married

And they have a baby balloon. Baby balloon stays in bed with mummy and daddy balloon until one day, Baby balloon grows too big to stay in mummy and daddy balloon's bed, so he gets his own room.

He misses sleeping with his parents, so he decides one night to be a rebel.

He goes into his...

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NSFW I got a blowjob today,

They where hiring product testers at the balloon factory.

Why don't balloons do a lot drugs?

Because they think if they get too high they'll get busted.

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20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

I don't think that balloons can be inflated.

Edit: well did not expect this to blow up.

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

How come balloons don't do drugs?

Because they're afraid of getting high and getting busted

PS: Heard in a TV show and wanted to share the laughter to everyone in here.

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

If I bought a balloon for $0.99...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

What’s a balloon’s least favorite thing to drink?

Pop.

Baby Balloon

Baby Balloon cannot sleep so wants to get into bed with Mummy Balloon and Daddy Balloon.

He goes into Mummy & Daddy Balloon’s room, wakes them up and asks but Mummy & Daddy Balloon say ‘sorry Baby Balloon, there just isn’t enough room for you in here with us. Go back to your own room...

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

"Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

An English man, Irish man, and Scots man are in a sinking hot air balloon...

An English man, Irish man and Scots man are in a hot air balloon. It's starting to go down, and they decide they each have to throw 1 thing over board. The Irish man takes his pic-axe and throws it over, the scots man throw over a bottle of whiskey and the English man a grenade.

They finally ...

I am considering making a balloon of my subconscious...

But I’m afraid it will only inflate my ego...

Investing in balloons just isn't as profitable as it used to be.

I blame inflation.

There were three balloons...

A mummy balloon, a daddy balloon and a baby balloon. The mummy and daddy balloon were watching TV and sitting on the lovely two seater sofa. The baby balloon ask his parents 'can I please sit on the sofa with you?' his father replies 'no, son. There is simply not enough room on the sofa for you.' De...

I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test...

...I blew it :(

I heard balloons have gotten really expensive lately.

It must be because of inflation.

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

Friends are like balloons

If you stab them they die.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

If someone offers me a free air balloon ride

I’ll have to take them up in their offer

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

I started a cold air balloon business.

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.

A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.

A...

What does a hot air balloon and a homeless person have in common

No visible means of support

I took my girlfriend to see a movie about an old guy flying his house around on balloons.

It was an up-date.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.

When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do balloons and virgins have in common?

One prick and its gone.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?

*Pop*

What do you do for a sick balloon?

You helium up.

What do you call the basket on a hot air balloon?

A balooney bin. Fuuuuuuck I hate myself.

I have a job working with hot air balloons

It has its highs and lows

The price of balloons have been plummeting...

Specialists say it's due to inflation.

A man is flying a hot air balloon and thinks he's lost...

so he gets closer to the ground and sees a man walking by. He calls down to him, "hey, do you know where I am?"

The man thinks for a second and says, "you're at exactly 58.2 degrees north by 48.7 degrees west, you're standing still now but your approach velocity was 5.1 m/s at an angle of 2....

Three men are in a hot-air balloon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They ...

How are a hobo and a balloon alike?

Both are without visible means of support.




(My son found that in a children's joke book)

The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I'm just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon, riding over a town with a mountain in the distance. As the mountain approaches, the sudden realization hits that they will not clear mountain.

In a last-ditch effort, they try to throw out everything they can. The first soldier throws out their weapon...

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.

As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom a...

I have a good joke about a nice balloon.

Oh wait. It just got away from me.

The price of a balloon has really gone up recently

I think it's because of inflation

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