Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replie...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She lowered her altitude and spotted a man below. She shouted to him:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above g...

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

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Virginity is like a balloon.

One prick and it’s gone for ever.

A clown who's job is going to parties and make all kind of balloons..

Is that considered a blow-job?

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A man in a hot air balloon was lost in West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck so he screams down “where am I?” The redneck looks up and screams “you can’t fool me, you’re in that basket”

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

Difference between a balloon and condom?

One blows up the other grows up

Why did the price of balloons go up?

Inflation

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

Do you know why ordering balloons for a party is so expensive?

Inflation.

What did the needle say to the balloon?

"I am the king of pop."

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

In the 90s, most Europeans were tall, slender, relatively in shape. However, Brits were out of shape, their bodies blowing up, like a balloon. Scientists have now identified the reason behind this phenomena:

The Irish Republican Army

Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go



frozen 2 coming soon

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

So my nephew just wanted to know...

Have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssssssh

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

Why did I get a divorce?

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t even say anything to me. My kids forgot too. I got to work and my friends and co-workers said nothing. I felt so alone and forgotten, until my secretary came up to me and said “happy birthday boss, can I take you to lunch for your special day?” It s...

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

The balloon was very happy when I rubbed on my hair.

It was ecstatic.

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

Why don't balloons do a lot drugs?

Because they think if they get too high they'll get busted.

Breaking :A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon.

A spokesperson for the police said.. We held him for a while and then let him go..

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

At the touch of her lips, it grew hard an swollen...



I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I´d ever seen.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

A man sees an ad for a local sporting goods store

There's a buy 1, get 1 free offer for shirts with a nautical theme print.

Later that day as he enters the store, lights begin to flash, balloons fall, and the store manager walks over holding a tent.

The man is confused. "I just came in for the sale of two sea tees!"

The ...

If I bought a balloon for $0.99...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

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20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

I don't think that balloons can be inflated.

Edit: well did not expect this to blow up.

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

How come balloons don't do drugs?

Because they're afraid of getting high and getting busted

PS: Heard in a TV show and wanted to share the laughter to everyone in here.

I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.

I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.

What’s a balloon’s least favorite thing to drink?

Pop.

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NSFW I got a blowjob today,

They where hiring product testers at the balloon factory.

I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

I heard balloons have gotten really expensive lately.

It must be because of inflation.

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

"Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

An English man, Irish man, and Scots man are in a sinking hot air balloon...

An English man, Irish man and Scots man are in a hot air balloon. It's starting to go down, and they decide they each have to throw 1 thing over board. The Irish man takes his pic-axe and throws it over, the scots man throw over a bottle of whiskey and the English man a grenade.

They finally ...

Investing in balloons just isn't as profitable as it used to be.

I blame inflation.

I am considering making a balloon of my subconscious...

But I’m afraid it will only inflate my ego...

Friends are like balloons

If you stab them they die.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test...

...I blew it :(

There were three balloons...

A mummy balloon, a daddy balloon and a baby balloon. The mummy and daddy balloon were watching TV and sitting on the lovely two seater sofa. The baby balloon ask his parents 'can I please sit on the sofa with you?' his father replies 'no, son. There is simply not enough room on the sofa for you.' De...

I started a cold air balloon business.

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

If someone offers me a free air balloon ride

I’ll have to take them up in their offer

What does a hot air balloon and a homeless person have in common

No visible means of support

I took my girlfriend to see a movie about an old guy flying his house around on balloons.

It was an up-date.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.

A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.

A...

On prom night, my father gave me a pack of condoms and said, use them wisely, and not as water balloons. Because I'd end up where he did.

He was put in lock up for twenty four hours for vandalising the neighbour's property.

A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.

When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

What do you do for a sick balloon?

You helium up.

I have a job working with hot air balloons

It has its highs and lows

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?

*Pop*

Three men are in a hot-air balloon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They ...

How are a hobo and a balloon alike?

Both are without visible means of support.




(My son found that in a children's joke book)

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.

As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom a...

I have a good joke about a nice balloon.

Oh wait. It just got away from me.

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon

Three soldiers are in a hot air balloon, riding over a town with a mountain in the distance. As the mountain approaches, the sudden realization hits that they will not clear mountain.

In a last-ditch effort, they try to throw out everything they can. The first soldier throws out their weapon...

A man is flying a hot air balloon and thinks he's lost...

so he gets closer to the ground and sees a man walking by. He calls down to him, "hey, do you know where I am?"

The man thinks for a second and says, "you're at exactly 58.2 degrees north by 48.7 degrees west, you're standing still now but your approach velocity was 5.1 m/s at an angle of 2....

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