What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

What did the needle say to the balloon?

"I am the king of pop."

Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll just let it go



frozen 2 coming soon

What kind of music is scary for balloons?

Pop music

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies...

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

HOT AIR BALLOON

One day an American, Asian and an Australian were in a hot air balloon when they started to fall so the pilet said "each of you need to throw out one thing you have too much of". So the American started by throwing out hamburgers saying " we have too many of these in our country". Then the Asian wen...

The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia

He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him

“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

Breaking News

All the world's currency is now air. We store it in small balloons.

Prices seem to be quite inflated.

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

The balloon was very happy when I rubbed on my hair.

It was ecstatic.

Why did the mouse suck in the air out of a balloon when he wanted to start growing mushrooms?

Because he heard you have to start with mice helium.

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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

Its the bosses birthday at the bank.

Jim is blowing up some BIG balloons.
Sam comes over and notices the size.
"Whoah jim. No need for too much inflation"

Breaking :A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon.

A spokesperson for the police said.. We held him for a while and then let him go..

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

Why don't balloons do a lot drugs?

Because they think if they get too high they'll get busted.

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

2 balloons get married

And they have a baby balloon. Baby balloon stays in bed with mummy and daddy balloon until one day, Baby balloon grows too big to stay in mummy and daddy balloon's bed, so he gets his own room.

He misses sleeping with his parents, so he decides one night to be a rebel.

He goes into his...

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

Uh.. Lousy Manager..

A Project Manager is floating about 30 ft off the ground in a balloon.
He spots a man on the ground and calls out.

Man in Balloon: "Where am I?"
Man of Ground: "You're 30 ft off the ground in a balloon."

Man in Balloon: "You must be a programmer"
Man of Ground: "How did you kn...

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...

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A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A

Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Ste...

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

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My friend got a job offer making balloons.

He turned it down because he doesn't do blowjobs.

Whats a balloon's least favourite genre of music?

Pop!

What’s a balloon’s least favorite thing to drink?

Pop.

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

I am considering making a balloon of my subconscious...

But I’m afraid it will only inflate my ego...

I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

"Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

There were three balloons...

A mummy balloon, a daddy balloon and a baby balloon. The mummy and daddy balloon were watching TV and sitting on the lovely two seater sofa. The baby balloon ask his parents 'can I please sit on the sofa with you?' his father replies 'no, son. There is simply not enough room on the sofa for you.' De...

I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test...

...I blew it :(

Investing in balloons just isn't as profitable as it used to be.

I blame inflation.

I heard balloons have gotten really expensive lately.

It must be because of inflation.

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

Friends are like balloons

If you stab them they die.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

I started a cold air balloon business.

I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

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What do balloons and virgins have in common?

One prick and its gone.

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

What does a hot air balloon and a homeless person have in common

No visible means of support

I took my girlfriend to see a movie about an old guy flying his house around on balloons.

It was an up-date.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican are in a hot air balloon.

They're running out of fuel, and losing height, having already thrown all of their ballast overboard.

A range of mountains is coming up in the distance, and they need to lose weight the clear them.

A...

I have a job working with hot air balloons

It has its highs and lows

A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.

When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

What do you do for a sick balloon?

You helium up.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They ...

What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?

*Pop*

The price of balloons have been plummeting...

Specialists say it's due to inflation.

How are a hobo and a balloon alike?

Both are without visible means of support.




(My son found that in a children's joke book)

The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I'm just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

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