UPJOKE
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3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"



The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."



"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
...

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

How do suicidal balloons greet each other?

What's popping?

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.

But it never took off

My balloon elephant wouldn't fit in my backseat

So I had to pop the trunk

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?

Anyway, I lost my medical license today.

Why shouldn't you give elsa a balloon

Because she'll let it go

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

So I invested in a hot air balloon company...

And it's really taken off

I want to offer Cold Air Balloon rides

for people afraid of heights.

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

Friends are like balloons.

If you stab them, they die.

Did you hear the cost of balloons are going up?

That’s what inflation does

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

Man, balloons sure are getting expensive…

…I guess that’s inflation for ya.

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

There's a trick to eating hot air balloons.

They're really good when you get it down.

Why has the cost of balloons risen in the past ten years?

Because of inflation!

Son: Dad why does mom have balloons in her chest?

Dad: Ummmm, you blow them up when your mom dies so that she can fly to heaven

Son: Oh ok

*THE NEXT DAY*

Son (on phone): Dad come home quick mom is dying!

Dad: Wait what happened?

Son: Uncle John is blowing her balloons!

Two balloons in the desert.

One says: "look out for that cactus!"

The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

What did the cactus say to the balloon?

Nothing, they cant talk.

For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn’t stick to me

I’m absolutely ex-static!

Why did no one give Elsa a balloon for her birthday?

Because she'll just Let It Go.

told to me by a 7yo that thought it was the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?

They ended up with a massive inflation problem.

A girl wrote ‘will you marry me?’ on a balloon

and her boyfriend immediately popped the question

What was the balloons last words to his dad?

Watch me Pop!

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

Ha Ha Ha...i just in inhaled a Helium balloon..

He He He

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

If you see a balloon on the street, pop it.

We can't let him get any more DNA bubbles.

Two men decided to try riding in a hot air balloon...

Neither of them has any experience ballooning. They leave the ground and suddenly realize they are way off course. The decide to let out some air and get close enough to the ground to yell out and get someone's attention.


They see a small town and yell out, a man in a suit looks up and ...

I went on a ballooning holiday ...

I put on 4 stone in 2 weeks

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

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What do you call it when someone is paid to inflate balloons?

A blowjob

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20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

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Virginity is like a balloon.

One prick and it’s gone for ever.

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

What kind of music is a balloon scared of ?

Pop music.

Why do balloons have a bad temper?

Because they are always blowing up.

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I called in a psychic radio show while I was taking a ride in a hot air balloon.

Psychic: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air.

Me: Holy shit, how did you know??

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

Philosophers in hot air balloons.

They think highly of us.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

I don't think that balloons can be inflated.

Edit: well did not expect this to blow up.

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

I'm waiting to invest in a hot air balloon

I don't want to lose my life's savings to inflation

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

The balloon was very happy when I rubbed on my hair.

It was ecstatic.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

I have only ever seen hot air balloons in the morning

I guess they’re all early risers

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

Why did the mouse suck in the air out of a balloon when he wanted to start growing mushrooms?

Because he heard you have to start with mice helium.

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

How come balloons don't do drugs?

Because they're afraid of getting high and getting busted

PS: Heard in a TV show and wanted to share the laughter to everyone in here.

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

Breaking :A man was arrested yesterday for impersonating a helium balloon.

A spokesperson for the police said.. We held him for a while and then let him go..

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

Why can’t clowns afford balloons anymore?

Because balloon prices are rising due to inflation.

I think that we should officially change our currency to balloons.

You could much more easily control inflation.

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.

As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom a...

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