UPJOKE
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3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

I ordered a balloon on aliexpress

Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car so...

I had to pop the trunk.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

2023 is a bad year to be a hot air balloon pilot without a radio.

credit to iBeej for this one!

Why shoot down so many balloons?

It’s a fight against inflation.

What do Michael Jackson and a fighter pilot shooting down a balloon have in common?

Both are King of Pop.

My wife asked me why hot air balloon rides are so expensive.

I said "inflation".

I tried to start a hot air balloon company

but it never really took off.

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a premature baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And ...

What did Beyonce say to the boy who lost his balloon?

If you liked it then you shoulda put a string on it.

There was a family of 3 balloons - long

Mummy, daddy and baby balloon. The time had come that baby balloon had grown so big he no longer fit between his mum and dad in bed so they decided it was best he slept alone in his own bed from there on out.

Bedtime comes and off baby balloon goes to be tucked in, only to still be awake an ...

What's the difference between this joke and the Chinese balloon?

This joke will be shot down immediately.

For a surprise proposal, I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon and handed it to my girlfriend.

Unfortunately she…popped the question.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control

And yet cases continue to rise

A friend of mine has recently started a hot air balloon business

He hasn't got it off the ground yet

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.

Ideas for Physical Puns/Jokes?

I enjoy doing physical puns/jokes to brighten up work, but I'm running out of ideas. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated!

I work in a school, so child-friendly jokes would be best.

Examples of ones I've done so far:

- putting a leek in the cupboard and panicking a...

Time Traveler

A time traveler shows up in Manhattan and asks the nearest person what year it is. The person responds, “2023 of course.”

The time traveler looks up at the sky and mumbles, “Ah yes, the first year of the Balloon Wars.”

News at 10

When they shoot down that Chinese spy balloon, it'll explode in pink dust and China will yell, "It's a girl!"

My wife is never gonna believe why her valentine gifts aren’t here today.

I ordered her balloons from Temu but they keep getting shot down.

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .

I may have blew things out of proportion.

There is a big difference between how Germany spies in the sky and how China does it...

...Gemany always uses 99 red balloons

Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?

Anyway, I lost my medical license today.

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

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A friend's mother gave me a Blowjob.

I didn't think I'd be blowing up balloons for his party.

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The box of condoms

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand, and notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen

She says,

\- ”We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”

The young man thinks...

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

My friend hired a hot air balloon for his wedding.

They quoted him 200 and on the day charged 400. Said it was due to inflation.

I want to offer Cold Air Balloon rides

for people afraid of heights.

For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn’t stick to me

I’m absolutely ex-static!

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

Friends are like balloons.

If you stab them, they die.

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Cardi B was seen running in fear from a water balloon fight.

What a wet ass pussy.

Two balloons in the desert.

One says: "look out for that cactus!"

The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm sick and tired of my wife blowing everything out of proportion," he complains to the bartender. "She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business."

There's a trick to eating hot air balloons.

They're really good when you get it down.

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?

They ended up with a massive inflation problem.

What did the cactus say to the balloon?

Nothing, they cant talk.

Why did no one give Elsa a balloon for her birthday?

Because she'll just Let It Go.

told to me by a 7yo that thought it was the funniest thing they've ever heard.

What was the balloons last words to his dad?

Watch me Pop!

Man, balloons sure are getting expensive…

…I guess that’s inflation for ya.

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

Why has the cost of balloons risen in the past ten years?

Because of inflation!

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

Son: Dad why does mom have balloons in her chest?

Dad: Ummmm, you blow them up when your mom dies so that she can fly to heaven

Son: Oh ok

*THE NEXT DAY*

Son (on phone): Dad come home quick mom is dying!

Dad: Wait what happened?

Son: Uncle John is blowing her balloons!

4 men were talking inside a bar.

One of the men went to the bathroom and the other men started talking about their sons.

The first man says: "My son is so rich, he just bought a mansion and gave it to his boyfriend".
The second one said: "My son is so rich, he bought a Ferrari and gave it to his boyfriend"
The third on...

Why don’t Balloons do drugs?

Because they are afraid that the will get high and get busted

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The farmer, the pig and the monkey

A farmer wanted to enter his pig in the biggest pig competition at the county fair and he figured if he shoved a cork up the pigs ass the pig couldn’t shit and it would just grow and grow.
He decided to test this out on 3 different pigs, corking them for 3 months, 6 months and 1 year respective...

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

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20 men and a witch are in a hot air balloon

One man says "We are losing air, some of us are going to have to jump out!"
The witch says "Don't worry, if you drink this potion whatever you say will appear below you, when you jump out!"
One man drinks the potion and says "Pillows" and lands in 20 pounds of pillows
Another man drinks the...

What do you call a helium balloon shaped like Albert Einstein?

A stable genius.... (original)

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

If you see a balloon on the street, pop it.

We can't let him get any more DNA bubbles.

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Why are balloons expensive?

Inflation!

I’ll see myself out, unless this blows up.

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

In a balloon going down ...

Are: P.M. Boris Johnson, Pres. Donald Trump and Pres. Alexander Lukashenko and one of them must go over the side to save the other two. They hold a vote to decide who it will be.

Result: Boris Johnson 1 vote.
Donald Trump 3 votes
Alexander Lukashenko 220,399 votes

Lukashenko dem...

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

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What do you call it when someone is paid to inflate balloons?

A blowjob

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Virginity is like a balloon.

One prick and it’s gone for ever.

What kind of music is a balloon scared of ?

Pop music.

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

What do you say to a relative of someone who died in an air balloon accident?

My Gondolences

The Balloon family.

Daddy balloon decided one day to tell his baby balloon son, that he now had to sleep in his own bed. The son gets upset as he likes to share his parents bed. That night, the son wakes up and decides to climb back into bed with his mum and dad.

He finds there is no room, so he unties his fath...

Are those Balloon animals ?

Going on a family vacation with a lot of kids can be a trial.

We found a really nice campground with all the amenities, to park the camper.

We met several other families, as the children all played outside.

For hours, the kids kept coming back inside asking for quarters over and...

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

Balloons remind me of my dad

They don't come back

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[inventing the hot air balloon...]

I don't give a fuck where I go.

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

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