Glide Jokes - 27 Hilarious Glide Jokes

Hang Gliding Hillbilly

You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After a taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off...

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What gets longer when pulled, fits cozily between breasts, glides neatly into a hole, chokes you when used incorrectly, and works nicely when jerked?

A seatbealt

What is green and glides down a mountain?

A skiwi

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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"
...

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

Honest Pilot

The aircraft I was flying in suddenly dropped out of the sky in heavy winds, glided just above the ocean surface skimming the water for a bit and eventually came to a stop on the surface.
The Captain was true to his word cos when we set off he said “ ......great weather today so it will be plai...

Student Pilot

Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!'
Cessna: 'Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'

Three hookers were sitting on a bar.

They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down...

A man was at the Grand canyon

As he sat watching, ten puns came walking up. They all started talking excitedly and strapping on wings. He asked them what they were doing and they said they were going to fly down the canyon. One by one they all jumped off and began to glide down. Suddenly a gust of wind struck and they dropped ou...

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A blonde gets on a plane with her friend and they take their seats.

An hour or so after take off, they're handed an eye mask and pillow. The blonde ponders the in-flight entertainment for a moment, then puts on her eye mask and kicks back... when suddenly, the plane violently shakes and everyone starts to scream.

The hull of the plane tears open, ripping off ...

California Roll

A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.

Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.

The cop pulls the guy out of the car ...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

Poverty and Chastity

In January I spent a couple of days at a Benedictine monastery in California. It was a gorgeous place, with a courtyard garden full of fragrant orange trees and a retreat house full of antiques. When I first came through the door, one of the brothers glided up to me and said, "I know what you're thi...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see ...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building...

and there's a massive storm outside. Gale force winds.

One man turns to the other and says:
"You know Mac, the wind is so strong right now, I bet you could jump out the window, and the wind would carry you gently down onto that window cleaning platform on the other side of the building, 20...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

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