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What gets longer when pulled, fits cozily between breasts, glides neatly into a hole, chokes you when used incorrectly, and works nicely when jerked?

A seatbealt

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

What is green and glides down a mountain?

A skiwi

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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A Lonely Man Walks In To A Bar...

...and spends most of the night dancing on his own.

Towards the end of the night he see's an amazing , beautiful Chinese girl dancing not far away from him.
She moves over to where he is standing and smiles, then starts dancing with him.

At the end of the night she invites him back ...

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A blonde gets on a plane with her friend and they take their seats.

An hour or so after take off, they're handed an eye mask and pillow. The blonde ponders the in-flight entertainment for a moment, then puts on her eye mask and kicks back... when suddenly, the plane violently shakes and everyone starts to scream.

The hull of the plane tears open, ripping off ...

The majestic lion

Lions, as everyone knows, are the kings of the animal kingdom. Apex predators of the Serengiti, there are few who can stand steady in the face of their mighty roar.

Unfortunately for lions, however, they are rather limited in their mobility. When it comes to such places as ice, water, and air...

Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"
...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

A Frenchman, a Cuban, and a Texan are seated together on a plane...

The pilot announces an engine failure in their small commuter craft. Shortly after, the second engine fails. The pilot, in an attempt to drop dead weight instructs all luggage and passenger items to be thrown overboard.


It isn't enough, they're not gonna be able to glide to safety. Th...

Student Pilot

Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!'
Cessna: 'Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'

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So a man and women are sharing drinks at the bar...(kinda gross)

...when they decide to go the nearby hotel and hook up. They get into the room, turn off the lights and begin to have sex. The man puts on a condom and goes to put it in. But when he tries to insert it, the condom tears. Thinking it is just an old condom, he takes it off and figures she looks clean ...

California Roll

A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.

Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.

The cop pulls the guy out of the car ...

Three hookers were sitting on a bar.

They chat for a while about work, when one of them ssays. "I can fit a glass up in my (you know)" the other one replies. "thats nothing, i can fit a bottle up in my (you know)" thats when the third starts to giggle. "whats so funny?" the other two ask. "ohh nothing" she says as she slowly glide down...

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building...

and there's a massive storm outside. Gale force winds.

One man turns to the other and says:
"You know Mac, the wind is so strong right now, I bet you could jump out the window, and the wind would carry you gently down onto that window cleaning platform on the other side of the building, 20...