My wife drives like lightning.

I don’t mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

If lightning always follows the path of least resistance

Why doesn't it only strike in France?

Lightning McQueen has a nut allergy

cashew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

What happened to the guy who got struck by lightning

He was shocked

My Dad always said I hammer like lightning

I never strike in the same place twice.

The teacher asks the kid “What’s the difference between lightning and electricity?”.

The kid responds “Lightning kills for free, but you have to pay for electricity!”

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

A conspiracy theorist was struck by lightning.

Coincidence?

What do you call a cow struck by lightning?

Ground Beef

What is a gamers explanation for first seeing the lightning and then hearing thunder

Lag

Apple's port names are Thunderbolt and Lightning

They're starting to really frighten me.

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A sailor and a priest are out golfing.

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.

"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.

The sailor n...

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?

"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

You simply cannot make a dark, lengthy, joke about lightning.

It'll be over in a flash.

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

A priest goes golfing with his friend

A priest goes golfing with his friend.

His friend is not a very good golfer and always misses the hole by just a bit.
Every time this happens he gets very upset and says:

"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

This goes on for a while before the priest finally tells his friend:...

My first time was like being stuck by lightning

It was a quick and painful discharge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex life is like being struck by lightning.

I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.

Why don't Amish people fear lightning...

They resist electricity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having sex is like being struck by lightning

It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?

He had to be honorably discharged.

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

I was trying the figure out how lightning works.

Then it struck me.

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?

A handicapacitor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

Smiting

A construction worker was hammering in a nail, and hit his hand as a priest walks by. "Goddammit, I missed," he says. The priest tells him to not take the Lords name in vain.
The next day he walks by the same construction worker again, and this time the construction worker hits his other hand....

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There once was a guy from madras

Who had balls made of brass

in inclement weather, they’d jangle together,

And lightning would shoot out his ass...

What does an Italian Lightning McQueen say?

Ka-ciao

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

What kind of food does Lightning McQueen feed his cat?

Cat Chow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Priest and nun playing golf.

A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old pries...

The Avengers and Deadpool....

For once, the Avengers and the Deadpool decide to team up and destroy a H.Y.D.R.A. base.

While trying to infiltrate the base they encounter a room, which leads them to a vault containing some files. Deadpool says he is the strongest, so he shall break all walls. Thor days his lightning can de...

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

The Thunder God astride his horse came riding from the sky.

A majestic sight for all to see, a Marvel for the eye!
He held aloft his hammer great, lightning flashed and thunder boomed!
"I AM THOR!" he cried.
His horse replied, "Well you forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

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Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win...

He never did.

One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron

Because even God can't hit a one-iron

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

What did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning?

I've created a muenster.

I know, I know, it was cheesy joke.

A man went golfing with a priest.

When he swings for the first time, he knocks the ball to the side.

"Damn," He says, "I missed."

The priest replies, "Please don't swear."

The man agrees, and they keep playing for a while longer, until they come to the third hole. The man is only a few feet away, and he swings...

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.

I take the path of least resistance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The fastest thing in the world

Three friends are discussing about the fastest thing in the world:

The first says: I believe that the fastest thing in the world is lightning; When it falls from the sky, it goes down so fast that you do not even see it.
The second says: I think the fastest thing is light, because when you...

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An atheist and a holy man are playing golf.

The atheist misses his first shot and curses.

“Damn!”

The holy man winces. “I really don’t think you should say things like that.”

“Oh, stop being such a square,” says the atheist.

They keep playing, and a little later, the atheist misses another shot.

“God damn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

Why are native South African Tribesman immune to lightning?

'cause you can't Shaka Zulu.

A man is talking about a game of golf...

Man: So Fred and I were out over the weekend and the weather was beautiful at first, but by about the sixth hole the clouds started to roll in. By the time we reached the eighth hole it was raining and the sky was black. Then on the ninth hole, Fred goes to tee off and gets struck by lightning, it k...

Some pig!

I'm new here so I apologize if someone else has shared this one before, but here goes.

A couple have their pastor over for dinner on Sunday. He christened their baby a few months before, so they wanted to thank him with a nice dinner.

As they're finishing up, a pig with three legs walk...

A Priest and a Nun Decide to Go Golfing

They get to the first hole and tee up, the nun hits her first shot and the ball goes right in the hole. The priest steps up to shoot and hits the ball straight into a sand trap.

"God damn it, I missed!"

The nun shouts back to the priest

"Father! You shouldn't take the Lord's na...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women

Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a ...

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

The Hunter and The Bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.


In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very stee...

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Di...

Two guys find a huge hole while walking in the forest.

They can't even see the bottom. So they take a couple of rocks and toss them down. They wait and wait for the sound of the rocks hitting the bottom but they hear nothing. So they find a really large rock. It takes both of them, but they get it over the edge and down it goes. Still no sound. Then the...

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the w...

Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women?

The kitchen must be a very safe place

An angel appears at a faculty meeting

and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lig...

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

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A guy loves motorcycles, especially vintage ones. After years of trying to save money for one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson...

A guy loves motorcycles, especially when it comes to vintage motorcycles. After years of trying to save money in order to buy one, he finally found a used, vintage Harley-Davidson at a great price. When he saw the motorcycle for the first time, he was stunned because of how clean and bright it was. ...

Four rabbis were golfing

EDIT: So everyone seems to be reading "rabbits," like "bunnies," only to get confused halfway through the joke. This is actually about "rabbis," meaning Jewish clergymen. Carry on...



*************



Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and di...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dave and his priest go golfing...

On the first hole Dave is one foot of the hole, putts and misses.

"Shit missed!" Says Dave.

"Don't say that! God will strike you down!" says the pope

On the seventh hole Dave is half a foot from the hole, putts and misses.

"Shit missed!" Says Dave.

"Don't say that!...

Two priests, Fathers Mike and Dave, are playing golf

Mike had been having an awesome day, while Dave, on the other hand, had not. Every time he teed off he'd slice the ball and shout "Dangit! I missed! Dangit dangit dangit!" along with other profanities not fit for a priest.

Mike, being level-headed, advised Dave that he needed to calm down, it...

Hundreds of years ago, there was a brave ranger who went on many adventures.

There was also an evil sorcerer named Danny who claimed he could enchant arrows to follow their targets. Mysteriously, anyone who made the journey to the sorcerer never came back. Of course, the ranger decided to make the journey, to figure out what was going on. He made sure to take an arrow as wel...

A Father meets his old friend, the Major after many years.

The Major wants to show off his shooting skills to his friend. He fires at the target, and misses by a distance.

"Damn! How the hell did I miss?", exclaims the Major.

"Mind your language, Bruce. You know that God is always watching", says the Father.

The Major ignores him and fi...

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a patio bar

A guy walks into a patio bar. He sits down next to an acquaintance. He reached into to his inner coat pocket, and pulls out a midget. This is no ordinary midget. This particular midget is only about a foot tall. He placed his midget friend on the bar. He reaches back into his coat pocket. He ...

I knew a guy who married a tree...

My neighbor fell in love with this oak tree on his property. He ended up having a wedding ceremony and everything (don't ask how he consummated it...). All things considered it was one of the most stable marriages I had ever seen, lasting nearly 20 years. Then a lightning strike split the tree in ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun and a priest go golfing...

The priest is putting for par. "Ah fuck, I missed."

Nun: "God is gonna hear that and God is gonna get you!"

The priest shrugs it off and they walk to the next hole. The priest finds himself in a similar position, and once again misses. "Jesus Christ I can't do anything today!"

N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two good friends, a doctor and a priest, are out golfing one fine day.

They step up to tee off at the first hole. The priest drives a beautiful shot down the fairway. The doctor steps up next and fires off a worm-burner straight into the rough.

The doctor grumbles loudly, "Fuck, I missed."

The priest reproves him, "Please, Ted, don't swear in fron...

A man and a priest are playing golf...

... the man is putting and misses his shot. "God damnit, I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"God damnit, I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is throwing rocks at a can in a park

He misses the first shot and says:
"Fuck, I missed!"

The priest from a church that is right in front of the park hears him, walks up to him and says:
"Son, you must not curse or God will punish you..."

The kid doesn't listen to him and replies:
"Yeah, whatever"

He keeps...

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bo...

I business man decides to open a bar in small town in Texas...

It was quiet little town where lot of people were god fearing and church going folk.

His bar began construction on a new building on the same street as one of the town churches (one of twelve) to increase their business. The local Baptist church among other god fearing folk of course were sho...

Wisdom, Beauty, or Money

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the Physics department,“I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars.”

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a ash of lightning, and t...

Jason and Charlie go golfing

After a few holes Jason misses what should have been an easy putt. "God dammit, I missed!" said Jason. Charlie replies, "Woah there, you really shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain or God himself may strike down upon you". Jason assures Charlie it won't happen again and they continue to play. A few...

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Aakashvaani

Pandavas and Kauravas learnt the art of warfare from their teacher Dronacharya.

One fine day, Dronacharya was teaching Arjuna (3rd oldest among Pandavas) the art of Archery.


He said in a heavy voice, "Arjuna, there's a parrot. You need to concentrate and hit his right eye."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real

They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real


Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians.


The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wonderwoman was sunbathing naked on top of the justice league tower...

Superman was flying over and he had the idea that "hey I'm quick as lightning, I could go down there and have sex with her really quick then be out of there in a second." So he flies down, gets the job done and flies off. Wonderwoman jumps up and goes "what the hell was that?" Invisible man replies ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam go golfing...

The imam tees off first. He completely shanks the drive. "Fuck!" he screams, "I missed!" The priest turns to the imam and says "My friend, you must watch you language. If you continue to swear God will rain his wrath upon you". The others tee off without further incident.

On the fairway, the ...