A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.

I was trying to figure out how lightning works

Then, it struck me

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

Three guys out in a fishing boat together got struck by lightning and killed.

When they arrived at the pearly gate St. Peter met them. He approached Joe first and introduced him to a homely woman a said this will be your mate for eternity to fulfill your every need. Joe said ok, but why not a pretty girl? St. Peter got out his book and searched, hmmmm, yes,hmm hmm, ok hum and...

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Did you know that lightning has a flavor?

Everyone who tries it says it's shocking

Why did teen electrician got struck by lightning?

Because his parents grounded him.

What does Lightning McQueen get when he orders takeout?

Ka-Chow Main!

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

My neighbors house got struck by lightning...

It hit close to home.

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

What did Lightning McQueen say after he crashed?

Kachouch.

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A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert

They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.

"Fuck, I missed!"

"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"

They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.

"Fuck, I mis...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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A sage curses a naughty kid

A kid was throwing stones on a tree. Every time he would miss the tree and say "Oh shit, I missed the target".

A sage was passing by and he asks the kid to stop throwing stones. The kid ignores and throws another stone.

"Oh shit, I missed the target."

The sage gets angry and s...

My wife drives like lightning.

I don’t mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

Adam Libnitzki(32) got struck by lightning.

02, Jul, 2019 | Sunday

This Sunday morning was a melancholic event in the Libnitzki family, As the 32 year old father of three children aged 2,3 and 16 years old was found dead due to a lightning strike. The grieving wife informed the reporters that her husband was a loved man and was a well ...

I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?

Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” F...

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

My favorite electric car is still

Lightning McQueen

Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?

His entire wife flashed before his eyes.

I don't understand why people are afraid to swim when there is lightning nearby.

If lightning actually hit my pool I'd be totally shocked.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

If lightning always follows the path of least resistance

Why doesn't it only strike in France?

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Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my f...

the importance of aim

so there were these twins who had grown up with a relatively religious christian upbringing. good kids, loved playing golf for fun. now, these twins tried acid in college and had super opposite reactions - one became atheistic and the other joined the clergy. however, as time passed they both still ...

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Having sex is like being struck by lightning

It's never happened to me, and the odds are not in my favor

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A Rabbi and a Priest are out golfing,

The Priest takes his first shot and gets a hole in one. He smiles, then tells the Rabbi it's his turn. The Rabbi takes his shot, and completely missed the golf ball. The Rabbi then shouts,

"Shit, I missed!"

The Priest shakes his head and says,

"I would like it if you didn't utt...

Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it star...

A conspiracy theorist was struck by lightning.

Coincidence?

What is the difference between lightning and electricity

For electricity you need to pay but lightning kills for free

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Apple's port names are Thunderbolt and Lightning

They're starting to really frighten me.

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

What do you call a cow struck by lightning?

Ground Beef

What is a gamers explanation for first seeing the lightning and then hearing thunder

Lag

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

Did you hear about the man who got struck by lightning?

It’s a shocking story

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

Why don't Amish people fear lightning...

They resist electricity.

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf

The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.

On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

On the second hole the atheist misses and again ...

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

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My sex life is like being struck by lightning.

I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

You simply cannot make a dark, lengthy, joke about lightning.

It'll be over in a flash.

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his very young mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent ...

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

A priest goes golfing with his friend

A priest goes golfing with his friend.

His friend is not a very good golfer and always misses the hole by just a bit.
Every time this happens he gets very upset and says:

"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

This goes on for a while before the priest finally tells his friend:...

My first time was like being stuck by lightning

It was a quick and painful discharge

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3 couples died and went to the Pearly Gates for Judgement.

St. Peter looked at the first man and proclaimed, "You loved Money so much that you even married a woman named "Penny". Go to Hell!" Thunder crashed and Lightning flashed and the first man was Gone.

St. Peter looked at the second man and proclaimed, "You loved Drink so much that you even ma...

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam join each other for a game of golf

The game is going well and all 3 are pretty even. On the 16th hole, the Rabbi drops it into a water hazard.
“Oh God, Come on!” He says, but immediately asks for forgiveness.
On the 17th hole, the Iman lines up a drive but shanks it wildly.
“God damn it!!!” He exclaims, but quickly gets on h...

How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

&nbsp;

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

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Joe is looking to buy a motorcycle.

After several days he finally comes across a ten year old Harley. It is in mint condition,shines more then a new one. He asks the seller how he keeps it so nice.

"Simple, every time I go out of the garage, I put Vaseline on the chrome before it rains."

Joe buys the bike and the man ha...

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?

A handicapacitor.

How does Thor power his appliances?

With a lightning Adapter

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Jesus, moses and a an old man go play a round of golf.

On the first tee Jesus tees of first. He slices the ball badly into the water. He then walks to edge of the pond and "parts the seas", he walks out into the dry pond and smacks his ball up onto the green.

Moses goes next, he too slices his ball into the water. He goes out and walks on water ...

A priest and a normal man are going golfing

As they approach the middle of the game, the normal guy is frustrated and very angry with how badly he's doing. On the next hole, the guy misses and yells, "GODDAMNIT I MISSED!" and the priest gets offended.

He says, "woah, woah, woah. I understand that you're angry, but you shouldnt use gods...

Why do you see lightning first before you hear the thunder?

Because your eyes are in front of your ears.

What's the worst type of weather to hire?

Lightning, it's always on strike.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees up and swings, and unfortunately his ball ends up in a water trap. He curses, then parts the water to retrieve his ball.

Jesus tees up and swings. His ball also goes into the water trap. He doesn't curse, but thinks for a moment. He then walks across the water and retrieves his bal...

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A nun and a priest are playing golf.

On the first hole, the nun hits a hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yelles the priest. "The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down." On the ninth whole, the nun hits another hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I miss...

A Priest and a Nun Decide to Go Golfing

They get to the first hole and tee up, the nun hits her first shot and the ball goes right in the hole. The priest steps up to shoot and hits the ball straight into a sand trap.

"God damn it, I missed!"

The nun shouts back to the priest

"Father! You shouldn't take the Lord's na...

At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears

and tells the head of the philosophy department, “I will grant you
whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty, or
10 million dollars.”

Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.

There is a flash of lightning, and the professor appears
transformed, but he just sits...

What would Zeus’s car be called?

Greece Lightning

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There once was a guy from madras

Who had balls made of brass

in inclement weather, they’d jangle together,

And lightning would shoot out his ass...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

A man died and was on his way to heaven..

An angel was talking to the man while his soul was leaving his body.

The angel said he could go to heaven quicker if he took off his sock.

So, the man wanting to go to heaven, took his sock off and was flung up into heaven with lightning speed.

When arriving to Heaven, God said,...

What did the cheese maker say after his factory was hit by lightning?

I've created a muenster.

I know, I know, it was cheesy joke.

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

I saw that new Queen film at a drive in and there was a terrible electrical storm during the show...

Thunderbolts and lightning! Very, very frightening!

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Who’s Jon Snow’s favorite character from “Cars”?

Lightning MuhQueen

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the w...

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An atheist and a holy man are playing golf.

The atheist misses his first shot and curses.

“Damn!”

The holy man winces. “I really don’t think you should say things like that.”

“Oh, stop being such a square,” says the atheist.

They keep playing, and a little later, the atheist misses another shot.

“God damn...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

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