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Lightning Jokes

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

What is Lightning McQueen's favourite chocolate snack?

CACAO!

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?

I was shocked when I found out

What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow

The electrons couldn't wait to become lightning

When it happened, they were ex-static

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the Lightning McQueen and Sally have sex?

In a bed-Vroom

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?

You'll never catch me copper!

What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?

A zapling.

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup

A storm brewing

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.

Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.

Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.

Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, g...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, a bit taken aback, replies, "I've just lost my best friend, a cowboy who took care of me and rode me for years. He died in a tragic accident on the ranch."

Feeling bad for the horse, the bartender offers ...

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...

That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.

In memory of recently passed Benedict XVI

WW2. Young german soldier captures pole. At the moment he aiming to shoot him lightning crack the sky and they hear God's voice:
- Don't shoot him, he is a future Pope
- Wow what about me?
- Ok, fine, you too

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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.

The businessman stepped up to tee and swung hard but missed

"Fucking goddamn to hell!" he swore.

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, my son." said the priest, wagging a finger.

The sky darkened a little, but the two men didn't notice.

Three times again the businessman...

I was having trouble finding the answer on a question about lightning

But then it struck me

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.

Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning

Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

When lightning strikes...

...it refuses to work as a form of protest against inadequate compensation.

Why do we always see lightning before the thunder noise comes?

Our eyes are at the front of our head.

What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?

"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."

By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me

A painter was the only painter in town...

...And he tended to take advantage of this by diluting his paint a bit with turpentine. One day he was asked to paint the church steeple. He was about half done, standing high on a ladder, when a cloud suddenly came in. It started to rain, washing away his paint, and then a bolt of lightning knocked...

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

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There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,

I was shocked

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A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

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A man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar

He sits down, and orders a thimble of beer. The bartender looks confused, but gets him the drink. "Here's your drink, sir," says the barman. "But I have to ask. Are you, um, okay?"

^("Yes, I'm fine,") says the man. ^("It's not painful or anything.") He gestures at his tiny head.

"But, ...

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

I was trying to figure out how lightning works

Then, it struck me

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able t...

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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I was so high last night that when I saw the first lightning strike out my window,

I thought someone was taking pictures of me masturbating.

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I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

A train gets struck by lightning.

There are 2 people on the train - the driver and a lady.

Who dies first to electrocution, provided the driver is a good conductor?

Did you hear Lightning McQueen died?

He had a Cadillac arrest.

TIL that people who've crashed a train before are impervious to being struck by lightning.

Because they're bad conductors.

A rookie carpenter is on his first day of a new job...

The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. The rookie grabs a hammer and nails and gets to work.

The foreman watches the rookie work for a while, and when he's finished he calls him over. The foreman says, "I think your nickna...

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

A Bishop and his plumber played golf

The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " Goddamn it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " Goddamn it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came an...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

A conspiracy theorist was struck by lightning.

Coincidence?

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

What did the guy with the lisp say to his friend right after watching him get struck by lightning?

Are you Thor?

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance why does lightning not always strike in France ?

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance why does lightning not always strike in France ?

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

Did you know that lightning has a flavor?

Everyone who tries it says it's shocking

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

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A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

What did Lightning McQueen say after he crashed?

Kachouch.

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My sex life is like being struck by lightning.

I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.

A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

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So Whats Protocol When A Plane Gets Hit By lightning (man asks)

(Pilot) Oh shit

I don't understand why people are afraid to swim when there is lightning nearby.

If lightning actually hit my pool I'd be totally shocked.

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

What is the difference between lightning and electricity

For electricity you need to pay but lightning kills for free

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

My first time was like being stuck by lightning

It was a quick and painful discharge

Why don't Amish people fear lightning...

They resist electricity.

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?

He had to be honorably discharged.

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

You simply cannot make a dark, lengthy, joke about lightning.

It'll be over in a flash.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.

Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, “Goddammit, I missed!” At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, “Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord’s name, so help me, may He strike yo...

Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds

The first golfer missed a key swing.

"Damn, I missed!" he said.

The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord's name in vain.

However, it happened again.

"Damn, I missed!"

The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord's name hol...

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron

Because even God can't hit a one-iron

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.

I take the path of least resistance.

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