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Lightning Jokes

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

Where does the god of lightning keep his warm food?

In a Thormos

Why does lightning shock people?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

Him: "I drive like lightning" Her: "So you drive fast?"

Him: "No, I hit trees."

The electrons couldn't wait to become lightning

When it happened, they were ex-static

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

“My dad drives like the lightning!”

“Wow, he’s that good, yeah?”

“Well I don’t know. He drives really fast and from time to time he hits a tree.”

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?

I was shocked when I found out

What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?

You'll never catch me copper!

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The popularity of Lightning McQueen racecar beds probably means that Lightning McQueen has been peed on more then any other fictional character.

He really does deserve the "Pissed In" cup.

I used to wonder how lightning worked.

Then it struck me.

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Where does the Lightning McQueen and Sally have sex?

In a bed-Vroom

Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning

Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting

What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?

"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."

What pet food does Lightning McQueen normally buy?

Cat Chow

When lightning strikes...

...it refuses to work as a form of protest against inadequate compensation.

What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup

A storm brewing

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?

A zapling.

Why do we always see lightning before the thunder noise comes?

Our eyes are at the front of our head.

I was trying to figure out how lightning works

Then, it struck me

A conspiracy theorist was struck by lightning.

Coincidence?

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I told her I had lightning quick reflexes...

Sounds better than premature ejaculator...

My statistics textbook got struck by lightning TWICE in ONE DAY!

*sigh*

Don't even ask...

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance...

Then why doesn’t lightning only hit France?

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.

An orchestra was hit by lightning

Only the conductor died

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,

I was shocked

I was having trouble finding the answer on a question about lightning

But then it struck me

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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

A train gets struck by lightning.

There are 2 people on the train - the driver and a lady.

Who dies first to electrocution, provided the driver is a good conductor?

Did you hear Lightning McQueen died?

He had a Cadillac arrest.

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

If you wrote a book about Lightning McQueen...

Is it a biography or an autobiography?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Did you know that lightning has a flavor?

Everyone who tries it says it's shocking

Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

By best friend just made fun of me after I got struck by lightning and had my nervous system damaged

And I must say, it really struck a nerve with me

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able t...

My Dad always said I hammer like lightning

I never strike in the same place twice.

Why don't Amish people fear lightning...

They resist electricity.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his...

What did Lightning McQueen say after he crashed?

Kachouch.

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?

Hey! You stole my thunder.

Credit to my nine year old daughter on the 4th

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

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My sex life is like being struck by lightning.

I never thought it would happen, but when it did, it was shocking and left me a huge scar.

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I was so high last night that when I saw the first lightning strike out my window,

I thought someone was taking pictures of me masturbating.

A priest goes golfing with his friend

A priest goes golfing with his friend.

His friend is not a very good golfer and always misses the hole by just a bit.
Every time this happens he gets very upset and says:

"Goddammit, such a close miss!"

This goes on for a while before the priest finally tells his friend:...

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

What is the difference between lightning and electricity

For electricity you need to pay but lightning kills for free

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

What happens when lightning strikes an animal shelter?

Shock and Awwwww

TIL that people who've crashed a train before are impervious to being struck by lightning.

Because they're bad conductors.

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So Whats Protocol When A Plane Gets Hit By lightning (man asks)

(Pilot) Oh shit

Me and my girlfriend have nicknames for each other; I call her thunder and she calls me lightning.

I’m lightning because I always come first

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

My first time was like being stuck by lightning

It was a quick and painful discharge

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...

That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

You simply cannot make a dark, lengthy, joke about lightning.

It'll be over in a flash.

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

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1st grade teacher asked the students: What is the fastest thing in the world? Tony replied: lightning. Melanie said: light Jimmy said:

Diahrrea.
The teacher asked Jimmy why He tought diahrrea was the fastest thing in the world?
Jimmy said:
Last night while sleeping I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, I got up as fast as a lightning went to turn the light on and before the light was on I had already shit myself.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?

He had to be honorably discharged.

What did the guy with the lisp say to his friend right after watching him get struck by lightning?

Are you Thor?

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting...

... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. ...

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are all playing golf.

Mohammed tees up first, hits it nice and straight onto the green. Moses tees up with a nice clean shot, and his ball also lands a few yards from the hole.

Jesus tees up, and completely whiffs it. The ball rolls a few inches off the tee.

Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, g...

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

I don't understand why people are afraid to swim when there is lightning nearby.

If lightning actually hit my pool I'd be totally shocked.

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

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A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by Nazis

The Nazis had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.

The Nazis aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The Nazis turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had esc...

Why are native South African Tribesman immune to lightning?

'cause you can't Shaka Zulu.

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.

I take the path of least resistance.

I used to date a girl whose could text unbelievably fast. Her fingers moved like lightning! But then she ran away and stole my old Jaguar

I wish you could have seen my X Type

They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women

Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen

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God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I brok...

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.

The businessman stepped up to tee and swung hard but missed

"Fucking goddamn to hell!" he swore.

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, my son." said the priest, wagging a finger.

The sky darkened a little, but the two men didn't notice.

Three times again the businessman...

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

A painter walks up to a church and offers to paint it.

The church manager agrees. Business isn’t going well for the painter so he decides to save some money by adding water to thin the paint. He gets a few days in and a massive storm appears out of nowhere with lightning and thunder crashing around him. A booming voice comes from the clouds, “How dare y...

Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women?

The kitchen must be a very safe place

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse, a bit taken aback, replies, "I've just lost my best friend, a cowboy who took care of me and rode me for years. He died in a tragic accident on the ranch."

Feeling bad for the horse, the bartender offers ...

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one-iron

Because even God can't hit a one-iron

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

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A young blonde woman is working at a shoe store...

...and has been pestering her boss to give her a discount on a pair of designer alligator shoes she's had her eye on since she started.

Unwilling to sell these pricey shoes at a loss, the owner keeps refusing. Finally, one day, the blonde loses her temper and yells: "Fine! You know what? I'll...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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