Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.

Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.

Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got...

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

I heard the flights to China are super cheap

They might be as low as Tencent.

Why did the flight attendant prevent the raven from boarding the plane?

He had too much carrion.

Is there a doctor on this flight?

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?" and I leapt up and said yes!


Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.


He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now...

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A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...

A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.

When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."

The stewardess could...

What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?

Carrion.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

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The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

What did the Hyena take on it's flight?

A Carrion Bag.

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I went to the bathroom on the way to catch a flight

All I could think was, I ain't got time for this shit

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

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I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

I was playing a flight sim yesterday and suddenly my game started running really slowly, which was very annoying

I hate jet lag.

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A crowded united airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy t...

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Flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

Dr. Seuss: *[starts to get up]*

**Mrs. Seuss:** sit the fuck down theo!

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

\[removed\]

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

A blonde in a short skirt is going up a flight of stairs

Behind her a man leans in to look under her skirt and smiles.

Outraged, the blonde yells "You sir, are no gentleman!"

Calmly, the man answers " And you madam, are not a blonde."

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I took the Steely Dan flight in from LA last night.

Yep... We gated at A19

I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight.

They asked, "Window or aisle?"

After a moment, I replied, "Or you'll what?"

A man is on a flight getting ready to watch a movie

A flight attendant walks up to him and asks, "Would you like some headphones?" He replies, "Of course I do, but how did you know my name is Phones?"

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Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?

Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

Welcome aboard Singapore Airlines flight SQ 635, this is your captain speaking

#**AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!!**

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

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As my flight touched down in Birmingham AL the pilot said to adjust our watches for the local time.

How the fuck am I supposed to adjust my watch back to 1950

I wrote a joke about flight MH370

But I don’t know where it went.

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A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,...

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A blonde gets on a flight going from Barcelona back to London..

She gets on the plane and immediately sits in first class. The cabin crew explain to her that she doesn't have a ticket for first class but she refuses to move.
One cabin crew member tells the captain about the situation, the captain says "Ah, my wife is a blonde. Let me speak to her"
He goes ...

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending

A very nervous woman on her first Aeroplane flight, asked the stewardess, how often do planes crash?

Stewardess replies.

Only once..

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot Error.

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, "Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?"

"Yes," she said, "but I wasn’t willing to pay."

What’s Busta Rhymes’ favorite flight maneuver?

Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw,
Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw!

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I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced “The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?”

Nobody said anything so I said “sure, I’ll give it a shot” and went into the cockpit.

I swear to God, it took me *4 hours* just to get it off the runway.

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

When airlines actually award for your loyalty

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D

Me: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?

Airline staff:No sir,A compliment for your loyalty

Did you hear about the sequel to the movie Train To Busan? It's called.....

Flight to Wuhan

A tall friend told me he can't stand sitting on long plane flights.

I told him most people can't stand sitting.

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One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"

–Good Will Hunting (1997)

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A plane made an emergency landing on water...

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The Air Hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused; so she asked the captain to help. The captain being knowledgeable and experienced, guided her:
1. Tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
2. Tell the Br...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

A Jewish mother goes on a flight

The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?”
A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?”
The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”

Which flight ends in Bikini Bottom?

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

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A French , a Russian and an Indian are on a flight

They are the only passengers, and there is only one window. The French sits next to the window and cracks open the window

After a few hours he jumps up and down saying “we’re in france , we’re in france”. The other ask how does he know , to which the French says “ i can smell the aroma of my...

COP: I saw you fly through that intersection

**Me:** The light was green.

**Flight attendant:** That’s not why he’s mad.

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

A flight dispatcher

Watches a plane somehow manage to spin on the tarmac and land tail end forwards. Fight tango victor foxtrot, what the hell is going on? He shouts into the microphone, let me speak to the captain!

The c....c.... captain is drunk, comes the reply.

Then give me the second pilot.

He...

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

"Put me in coach"

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

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(NSFW) No one was too upset about being on a flight with two female pilots, just a little surprised...

None of them had ever seen a plane with three cockpits before.

A man is sat in an airport bar, having a drink, waiting for his flight to be called...

As he is sitting there a stunning woman walks into the bar and sits on the bar-stool next to him. She's wearing a very smart uniform and the guy thinks "She must work for one of the top airlines".

He decides to find out which one by running some of their advertising slogans past her.

T...

New flight simulator.

I downloaded a new 737 Max flight simulator, but it keeps crashing.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

No Corona

Mike had just met Susie.

They went for a dinner and a movie, ending up in his pad.

She had just returned from China. She was jet lagged from the flight, with a mild cough.
The night was fun though.

He met her friend Mary the next weekend.

Mary: Hear about Susie?
...

I'm nervous whenever I get on the plane.

This one flight was particularly bad and full of turbulence. With my stomach bouncing up and down, I started to feel queasy, so I started reading the newspaper to distract me. However, the inevitable happened and I ending up with my breakfast all over the Times. The flight attendant stopped by and I...

What's the difference between a plane engine and a flight attendant?

The engine stops whining after take-off.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

The best part of being a flight attendant

Has to be when you walk the aisle saying "trash" to everyone's face.

How to fall down a flight of stairs

Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 7, Step 12

An artist went out and did a flight training exam.

He passed it with flying colors.

On a long haul flight.....

.... with a couple of hours of the flight left the cabin lights were turned on.
The guy next to me woke up startled and annoyed.
“Who turned the f#*@*ing lights on” he shouted at a member of the cabin crew.
“Sir, these are the breakfast lights. I’m afraid you slept through the f#*@*ing...

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A pilot is on the microphone before the flight begins...

“Well hello there folks, today is a great day to fly! Perfect weather, clear skies. It should take us an hour to get to Miami. Miami has amazing weather this....”

After concluding his long speech, he lays back in his chair, forgetting to turn off the mic. He starts talking with his co pilot.<...

What's Black and White and Red all over?

A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

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A young couple are on a long international flight

A young couple are on a long international flight. The flight crew turns off the lights in the cabin for the passengers to sleep. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "hey everyone is sleeping let's have sex." "No are you crazy? Everyone will hear us" says the girl. The boyfriend comes up with a...

I gave a man a flight ticket and he flew for a day.

My friend pushed a man off a plane and he flew for the rest of his life.

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

2020 has an awful beginning, God send out angels

Angels fly to Jan 28th in Jamaica and alert people "there will be a big earthquake". people saved there say to angels: "you saved many lives, please have a rest!"

Angels fly to Jan 26th in L.A USA and alert Kobe" there will be a flight crash", Kobe saved and says to angels "you saved many li...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every year, James told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th t...

Flight Attendant: Please don't forget to activate 'airplane mode'

Me: Running around with my arms spread making airplane noises.

Einstein met an Indian guy on a flight.

It was a flight, that was supposed to take about 20hrs to reach, it was a very long flight.

In the plane, Einstein was seated next to an Indian guy, who was about to have a nap.

The flight was very long, so naturally Einstein was bored.

As restless as Einstein's mind was, he ask...

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so th...

A plane lost engines mid flight, a woman stands up...

"Before we crash and die is there any man here that can make me feel like a real woman??"

A man stands up, takes off his shirt and throws it at her.

"Yeah! Wash this"

Do you know what sucks the most on transatlantic flights?

When someone breaks a window.

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

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A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

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F**k off Bill

A software engineer was waiting in the VIP lounge for his flight from JFK airport. He was supposed to meet his colleague for a coffee before he flew home, but the colleague was late. He spotted Bill Gates sitting alone at a table and walked over and said – Wow, I can't believe it's Bill Gates. Nice ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

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