UPJOKE
aircraftairplanewingairflyaviationspacecrafthelicopterinsectflyingair travelglidingpilotplanejet

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

What did the kamikaze flight instructor tell his students?

I'm only gonna show you this once

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

LongAn attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

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Female flight

A man boards a flight from london to chicago. before they are due to leave, a voice comes over the intercom and says, on behalf of captain natalie, we hope you enjoy the flight!.

Well, the man isn't best impressed, and once in the air he calls the crew over.



he asks, " Is it t...

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An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Irishman is so dumb that he could put something over on him easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawye...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

What did the stewardess say to the vulture when he boarded the flight with two bags?

Only one Carrion permitted on this flight.

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

A bat in China didn't start covid. It came from a sick bird stuck in the landing gear of an international flight...

...an ill-eagle immigrant.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

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Got a seat on a flight on one of those real budget airlines earlier, the deal was first come, first serve for seats. I turned up super early and was just nodding off in my seat when a guy tapped me on the shoulder......

Him: Excuse me mate, this is my seat.

Me: No mate, first come first serve.

Him: Yeah, but this is 100% my seat.

Me: Look on the ticket pal, it says first come first serve, end of.

Him: Alright then, you fly the fucking thing.

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight...

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do yo...

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

Did you hear about the new flight company I'm starting exclusively for bald people?

Receding Airlines

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

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Flight takes off from Dallas....

Pilot get's on the intercom. "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We'll be cruising at 33,000 ft today. We should be touching down at LA International around 7:30 pm. Sit back and relax and thank you for flying Southwest".

He doesn't notice he's left the intercom on. He tells his c...

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude….

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and...

Why did the flight attendant pass away?

She was terminally ill

As a new Dad, my dad joke senses are tingling. I made this joke (better when spoken). "Why did the 7 foot man take 2 cans of Garbanzo beans on the flight?"

Because he wanted more legume.

All flights to John Lennon Airport have been cancelled

Imagine all the people...

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

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A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

I just got off an aeroplane piloted by an all female flight crew.

It was an unmanned aircraft.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.

If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.

Two other guys pulled out from going on space flight tomorrow with William Shatner

Right after they were issued red shirts for the mission.

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

Two explorers take a flight to one of the yet unexplored parts of the South American rainforests.

They enter the thicket but quickly get lost. After walking for many hours, without food at water, they finally spot a native inhabitant of one of the forests tribes. They quickly shout and make wild gestures until he notices them. After they slowly approach him, one of the explorers asks: “You nativ...

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard ho...

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Trip

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a gre...

A photon decides to go on a day trip to Vegas.

When they went to board their plane, the flight attendant said "I'm sorry, did you forget your carry-on?"

"No," said the photon, "I'm traveling light".

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?

DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.

DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.

Soon commercial airlines will have pilotless flights with only 1 man and a dog on the flight deck

The man is there to feed the dog.

The dog is there to make sure the Man doesn’t touch anything.

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Three flight attendants are at work when the captain announces that everyone should prepare for a crash landing.

The blonde flight attendant sits down and starts doing her makeup. "I figure, " she explains, "that if I'm looking pretty I'll be rescued first."

Seeing no flaws in this logic, the second flight attendant starts trying to fix his hair.

Our third attendant, a black woman, starts thinki...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

stewardess on my flight wasn’t holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought.

walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying “trash” “trash” “trash”

A guy goes into the airport...

...to check in for his flight to Amarillo.

When it comes time to check his bags, he says, "OK, I want this one to go to San Diego, this other one to go to Boston, and this third one to go to Miami."

"Sir," says the check-in officer, "I'm afraid we can't do that!"

"Why not? You d...

Hated the view from my yard because of the tree...

So I called a tree guy to take it down. I asked him to remove the stump, and he said "Oh I can't, you have to call a stump guy."

So I call the stump guy, he takes out the stump, and I say "Aren't you gonna fill the hole?"

He said "Oh, no, you'll have to call a landscaper for that. ...

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth...

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said: "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm going to screw that hostess".


Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell t...

Southwest had to ground so many flights because of inclement weather....

I guess you could call this weather "hurricane Brandon".

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

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World's Unluckiest Man

This man was so unlucky he was born with only a single ball. Where ever he goes doom is with him. He decided to live in another country and books a plane ticket for USA. Mid flight a turbulence started to occur and the Captain starts to announce that the plane is about the crash and there are only 9...

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An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

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i went on a plane to florida today

someone just started masturbating mid flight and faced no consequences!

how is this not illegal?

i thought the patriot act was made to prevent high jacking

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

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Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.

Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.

Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the...

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

I was at the courthouse today and witnessed a 4 foot tall felon go down a flight of stairs....

It was a little condescending.

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

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Two Ukrainians and a Russian get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Russian having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Ukrainians says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Russian interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down,...

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

I got sick waiting to board my flight

It was a terminal illness

TSA stopped me while I was boarding my flight and said “Sir, you can’t bring that crow onto the aircraft.”

I said “Don’t worry. It’s a carrion.”

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

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I asked the flight attendant on the plane if I could join the mile high club.

She replied back, " Sir, we don't offer that service, we are Virgin Airlines".

Holiday

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. ~~~He c...

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

Airport Check-in : Non stop 10 hr flight

The attendant was apologetic to the husband, "I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H

Husband: Do I have to pay anything extra for this?

Who was the skeptical man who dressed up as a woman to spy on the Wright Brothers initial flight test?

Mrs. Doubtflyer

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

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Quick learner

A sexy woman went on a week-long business trip leaving her husband to take care of the house. Before she left, she told him to take special care of Mittens, her cat.
After a long exhausting flight, she checked into her hotel and then immediately called home to see if Mittens was okay…
Her hu...

I did not get exhausted walking up that flight of stairs!

The air is just thinner up here is all.

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

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A woman took a flight for the first time

A while into the flight the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her, rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make ...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

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A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

A flight attendant asked me if I wanted a drink.

Me: what are the options?

Her: yes or no

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

My girlfriend told me she would lick my bumhole on the flight if I stop talking about my favourite Bethesda game.

I can't wait for my Skyrim.

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

An attractive young woman onboard a flight from Ireland asked the priest who sat beside her: "Father, may I ask you a favour?"

Priest: Not the hair dryer again…

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

Took a baby on the flight for the first time.

It was a plane torture.

Why did the flight of mi-24s get confused when a bee flew into the lead helicopter?

Because the lead helicopter is now beehind.

Good Evening and thank you for flying with us.

If you look out the left side, the engine there is on fire. If you look out the right side, the engine there has fallen off. If you look out the window straight down, you would see a speck on the ocean. That's the copilot and I on a raft. This is a recorded message. Have a safe flight.

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

Andre the Giant takes a commercial flight

The Giant is seated in a bulkhead seat for extra space. It’s still a tight fit for this behemoth of a man. He starts to take apart the armrest between his seat and the one next to him in hopes of creating a bit more space before takeoff. A flight attendant approached him asking if she could get h...

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

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Not Safe for Work . . . Or Is It?

**He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.**

**Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.** **He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”**

**Without warning, he re...

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

After a plane lands, a man asks the flight attendant.

"Is it chilly outside?"
"No sir, I'm afraid we are in Buenos Aires."

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

An old man goes to confession one morning.

An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

The priest says, “We...

Nobody enjoyed the in-flight movie.

It caused 17 walkouts.

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

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