A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

An attractive young woman onboard a flight from Ireland asked the priest who sat beside her: "Father, may I ask you a favour?"

Priest: Not the hair dryer again…

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

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A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth.

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm gong to screw that hostess".

Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell the pilo...

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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, say...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

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A Jewish pilot and Chinese pilot are flying together for the 1st time.

An hour into the flight, the Jewish pilot says to his Chinese counterpart “I don’t like the Chinese.”

Stunned, the Chinese pilot replies “Why don’t you like the Chinese?”

“Well” says the Jew, “the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor.”

Even more stunned, he replies ”The Chinese didn’t bo...

My girlfriend told me she would lick my bumhole on the flight if I stop talking about my favourite Bethesda game.

I can't wait for my Skyrim.

There was once a flight full of librarians.

It was booked.

My friend had his bags stolen on his flight

he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.

He lost his case!

John Cena falls down a flight of staires

He wakes up in a hospital

He says "Where am i?"

the nurse says "ICU"

John Cena: "no you can't"

Mommy mosquito to baby mosquito after his first flight "How did it go son?"

Baby mosquito "it was great mom, everyone was clapping!"

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

An Englishman, a Russian and a Greek guy are on the same flight, sitting next to eachother

When they are flying over England, the Englishman says, "England is the best country, check out how well they handle this." he drops a sword out of the window.

When they are flying over Russia, the Russian says, "Mother Russia is the best country, look how efficiently we deal with this." he ...

I asked the flight attendant what was in the spaghetti sauce

She said don't worry it's plane pasta.

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

ELI5 why is it that a kid can fall down a flight of stairs then get up and walk away just fine, but if I sleep wrong or stand up too fast I'm SOL for the whole day?

After some experimentation, turns out you just need a longer flight of stairs.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus were waiting at the airport for their flight.

Brutus: Hey Caesar, what's our boarding gate?
Caesar: A2, Brutus.

Brutus: When's the departure time for the flight?
Caesar: 8:02, Brutus.

Brutus: Are you hungry? Can we get some sandwiches?
Caesar: Ate two, Brutus.

Brutus: What size of paper are we transporting? ...

It was mealtime on an airplane and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

“What are my choices?” the passenger asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

As I sat in my airplane seat for the 16 hour flight, I tried to get comfortable.

Then I remembered that I was in economy.

How do you steal an entire flight of stairs overnight?

One step at a time.

Blind pilots on a vacation flight

The plane was parked and everyone was ready - a big plane and tons of people in line walking to the back staircase. Suddenly one of the passengers see from a distance what appears to be two blind members of the crew walking with a white cane, being guided by others flight attendants towards the fron...

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

A plane malfunctioned and went for a nosedive mid-flight, but it just bounced after touching the ground.

Boeing.

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

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What a better way to start off a flight

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude the captain announced:
“ ladies and gentlemen this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, rela...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

Flight attendant: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yeah. Sure. By the way, how’d you know my name was Phones?

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Something stinks on my flight

I can't find it. I know I'm not the only one. Everybody around me has scrunched up faces. Someone hit the flight attendant button. The flight attendant notices quickly as well, and begins searching for the source. She starts ripping open the overhead storage bins, smelling each one cautiously. With ...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

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Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.

Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.

Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the...

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I just threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs

It was wong on so many levels

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

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A bumpy flight

A plane full of British passengers is heading towards Paris with a smooth and uneventful start. Suddenly the plane is lurching and dipping with passengers getting very annoyed.

A group of passengers approach a flight attendant and demand to know what's happening. She says everything is fine ...

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2 guys are on a flight from London to Tokyo...

It’s about half way through their flight and the 2 guys hear a bang from outside the plane.

The pilot: Sorry folks, one of our engines has gone out, we still have 3 engines left so all is good, we just have to fly a little slower now so the flight will be half an hour longer.

*10 minut...

Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment.

That's messed up on so many levels!

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane...

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, an...

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

Two trustworthy, reliable and good politicians walk down a flight of stairs

Trump says to Putin:

"Also taking the elevator today?"

During my flight, I stopped a terrorist from killing more than 300 hundred people.

Through self-control.

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

Why did the two flights flying towards each other not crash?

They were in different planes

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

A foreign family is about to travel to america

The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said

"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

I sued a flight company for losing my luggage

I lost my case

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

A step by-step-guide on falling down a flight of stairs:

Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 4:
Step 7:
Step 12:

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So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.

Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks ‘what’s wrong?’
The woman replies, ‘I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I orgasm.’
The man replies, ‘oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?’
The woman smi...

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

Here's a pun: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

I'm sorry, that joke probably didn't land.

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

A dumb man is seated next to the world chess champion in a flight.

And the world champion asks the dumb fellow if he’d like to play a game of chess to pass the time.

The dumb fellow politely denies saying he can’t compete with a world champion.

The world master insists. But the guy refuses.

The world master proposes to level the field by promis...

Helicopter ride

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Friday on Dec 25th morning from Kochi and will fly to Kavarathi (Lakshadweep), where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to...

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Mosquito

A young mosquito returned to it's mother.
How was your flight dear? asked mom.
It was great mom, everyone clapped for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

I am sick

Once I was traveling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sikh person before.


Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady.


Her name was Mar...

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

Why do flat earthers enjoy talking to flight instructors?

they tell them 5G might make them sick.

Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,headed for Houston.. One sat in the window seat,the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off,an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes,wiggled his toes and was settling i...

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

In the midst of the pandemic, passengers flying with United Airlines are shocked to see that the middle seats on their flights are booked.

Meanwhile, passengers flying with Frontier Airlines are shocked to see that any seats on their flights are booked.

One flight passenger to another: "The pilot is an idiot, he believes his aircraft was a communist leader." "What makes you think so?" asks the other.

"I overheard him yelling 'The plane is Stalin! The plane is Stalin!'"

There were 5 people on a plane

A doctor, a scientist, Donald trump, Hillary Clinton, and a 9 year old girl.

The planes engines busted and there was only 4 parachutes on flight.

The doctor said “I need a parachute because I can help people who have COVID.” He took a parachute and jumped out.

The scientist said...

Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs?

Just follow these ten simple steps!

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A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...

A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.

When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."

The stewardess could...

Who is the new flight attendant?

Stewart is.

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My shop class teacher told me this one.

A physics teacher, an engineering teacher, and a shop class teacher all get on a plane.

As they're getting comfortable, the pilot comes in over the intercom. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," he says, "I understand we have some teachers on our flight. We've got a special treat for them: ...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

BREAKING NEWS: Elon Musk Announces All SpaceX Flights To Mars Cancelled

Martian officials say borders closed until CoronaVirus is under control.

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An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

My Girlfriend couldn’t remember the name of a certain 90s sitcom.

I told her, Blossom (that’a my nickname for her), let’s take this Step by Step. We are far from Perfect Strangers, so I will Coach you through this. As Time Goes By you will see that I’m a Smart Guy, but If I can’t help you, we will start calling our Friends for help. Except for your brother Frasier...

I heard the flights to China are super cheap

They might be as low as Tencent.

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

Is there a doctor on this flight?

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?" and I leapt up and said yes!


Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.


He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now...

Why did the flight attendant prevent the raven from boarding the plane?

He had too much carrion.

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

What did the Hyena take on it's flight?

A Carrion Bag.

Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about the covid, 9.00pm.

2 brothers from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on Flight MH370 that miraculously disappeared.

Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain, and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purp...

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot Error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crowded united airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy t...

I was playing a flight sim yesterday and suddenly my game started running really slowly, which was very annoying

I hate jet lag.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?

Carrion.

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the bathroom on the way to catch a flight

All I could think was, I ain't got time for this shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A buzzard gets on a plane with a rotting rabbit carcass.

The flight attendant says "You can't bring that dead animal on the plane."

The buzzard replies "It's OK. That just my carrion."

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

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