Told my friend I had to make an appointment with the Doctor. He asked "which doctor"?

I said no, just the regular kind.

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

Cable Appointment

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Tell them you can't come.

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.


WYRZYKOWTACZ.


Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"


Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

I'm a retired Gynaecologist but ocassionally I do the odd appointment at a local surgey.

You know.... just to keep my hand in.

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Today I had a doctors appointment for premature ejaculation

It was at 4, when I got there, it was only 3. I guess I accidentally came early.

Today I called my doctor's office asking for an appointment. She said, "how about 10 tomorrow?"

I said, "No I don't need that many."

An odd dentist appointment

A woman is at a dentist appointment and is looking scared. The dentist, trying to alleviate some of the tension, asks if she knows how latex gloves are made. She replies, “No,” and he tells her men dip their hands in a vat of latex and wait for it to dry, effectively creating a latex glove. The woma...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.

As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.

The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth w...

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?!"

She laughed, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

I always schedule my appointments at 9:11..

.. so I never forget.

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A man walks into his proctologist appointment

And the nurse tells him that the doctor will be right with him. As it’s his first time, he anxiously begins to dart his eyes around the office. He sees, among other things, a tube of KY jelly, a glove, and a beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man’s curiosity gets the best of him, and he can’...

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My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

After his last appointment, my son complained about how his hair looked. I told him it'll grow on him.

His oncologist, on the other hand, is not as optimistic.

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

A man goes to his doctors appointment.

Doctor: your x-ray results came back, its just what I was afraid of

Man: what is it?

Doctor: skeletons

Just got back from my psychiatrist appointment this morning.

After 10 minutes of chatting She told me I had a split personality and charged me $360.... I gave her $180 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you’ve got Cancer

I have a Dentist appointment tomorrow ...

Its at 2.30 ...

What do you call the girl with dandruff who missed her appointment at the hair salon?

Flakey

"How long are you going to be at your erectile dysfunction appointment?" asked my wife.

I said, "Well, I won't be long."

I had to leave work early to day .. I had a appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor is beyond me

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

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I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

"Doctor, the patient who think they're invisible is here for their appointment"

"Tell him I can't see him right now"

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

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I have an appointment with a premature ejaculation support group tomorrow. I wasn't sure what I should wear.

They said just come in your pants

So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor....

Man:How much time do I have left

Doctor: Ten

Man: Ten what I don’t understand

Doctor: Eight

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently

I was disappointed

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

A man walks in to a medical clinic and asks to see a doctor. The receptionist makes him an appointment. “How about 10 tomorrow?”

Man: “I don’t need that many”.

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A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist...

and while she freshens up beforehand, she grabs a spray from her older daughters room who's 17 and sprays her ladyparts.

She goes to the appointment, and her gynecologist is like "My, we dressed up today, right?".

And she's super pissed, picks her two daughters up from school and fumes...

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The doctor put his finger up my butt at my appointment today.

Worst. Dentist. Ever.

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A woman is at her OBGYN appointment

A woman is at her OBGYN appointment and is talking with her doctor about reconstructive surgeries.

Her: I’m leaving my husband, and I read about this hymen reconstruction surgery that can restore your virginity. Does it really work?

Doctor: Well, yes and no. Think of it this way, you ...

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the r...

A wife has a gynecologist appointment tomorrow

A husband and wife were lying in bed. Getting in the mood, he started caressing her to turn her on.

"Sorry," she said, "I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to make sure I'm fresh and undisturbed before she inspects me."

He rolled over, feeling a little disappointed. ...

"My first appointment with a new dentist!!"

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
<...

A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

I showed up to my dentist appointment at 2:21 but my dentist wouldn't see me yet...

He said I needed to wait until tooth hurty.

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I went to see a prostitute yesterday. I didn't have an appointment...

...but fortunately she was able to fit me in.

A blonde calls the doctor to cancel her appointment.

"Im going to have to cancel my appointment", says the blonde.
"Why?", asks the doctor.
"I'm not feeling well...", responds the blonde.

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So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday.

I was sitting in the exam room in the paper gown when in walks the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen. She picked up my chart and looked over it for a few minutes. Finally, she looked up and said, "Mr. Cow, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I said, "Why?!" She said, "Because I'm trying t...

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My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have sex 6 weeks.

I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?"

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A man gets an appointment with a tv producer to show him his talking dog.

He's really excited to show off this dog. The producer, understandably, wants proof that this dog can talk so the man asks his dog, "What's on the side of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

The producer has had enough and kicks the man and his dog out of...

Why does Trump never miss an appointment with Putin?

Because it is a mandate

My last dentist appointment was expensive.

It cost me more than tooth-ow-sand dollars.

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The Doctor's Appointment

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a cr...

I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

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A man suffering from premature ejaculation schedules an appointment with his doctor.

He arrives to early and spends the rest of the time awkwardly sitting there.

Finally scheduled a therapy appointment to talk about my procrastination

But I rescheduled it for next week

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Man gets excited at his doctors appointment...

The doctor askes why he's excited

The man says he just got diagnosed with daily sex

The doctor said no... It says dyslexia

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A priest is running late for an appointment

so he asks the altar boy to help him with the confessions.

"If someone comes for a confession, go to the confessional and pretend to be me. When they tell you their sin look it up on this reference book and tell them their penance"


Now that the altar boy is in charge a girl comes ...

I'm hospital for an appointment and I saw a toddler playing with a donkey toy.

ICU baby, shaking that ass

What did the German janitor say when asked if his 11 AM appointment was outdoors?

Nein! Eleven was an inside job.

Doctor's Appointment

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."
"Excuse me?" says the husband.
"That's what the doctor said. My pr...

I called the urologist's office for an appointment for erectile dysfunction. The girl on the phone checked the calendar and said, "alright, let's see if we can get you in.."

I said, "exactly."

A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.

Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.

The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should ...

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A woman is at her first appointment with her new gynecologist...

"Ma'am, you have the biggest vagina I've ever seen."
"Ma'am, you have the biggest vagina I've ever seen."

"Hey, you don't have to say it twice."

"I didn't."

(from David Sedaris)

How do you cancel your appointment at the spermicides bank?

You call and say you can't cum.

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

So a man went to a doctor's appointment...

The doctor said, "I have bad news and worse news."

The man asked, "Oh, what is it?"

The doctor frowned, " You have only 24 hours to live."

The man was in shock. "And what's the worse news? Surely it can't get any worse!"

The doctor frowned again. "I was supposed to tell y...

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My wife came back really upset from her doctor's appointment

-What did he say my love?
-He said we cannot have sex for at least a month...
-How that?
-He is on vacation in Barbados for a month...

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...

Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could c...

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her a...

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A guy gets home from his proctologist appointment...

His wife asked him how it went. He told her his bum hole actually fairly sore. "Yeah, he put his left hand on my shoulder and really crammed his right finger in my.........No, wait.....he put his RIGHT hand on my shoulder and really crammed his LEFT finger in my........No, wait...... I think he h...

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

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