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An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:

“You’re over 90 years old, and you’ve been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?”

The couple look at each other:

“We wanted to wait until the kids died.”

What's ironic about being late to your Optometrist appointment?

They can't see you.

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A lady comes home from her doctors appointment grinning from ear to ear

Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation....

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

This dude goes to his dental appointment

The dentist is flossing his teeth.

Dentist: "So, when's the last time you flossed your teeth?"

Dude: "Bro!!! You don't remember?!"

"You were there!"

Gynecologist appointment

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist, but oversleeps and wakes up 30 minutes before her morning appointment.

She has to drop her daughter at school first, so she runs to the bathroom and quickly wipes her neither regions with a flannel lying on the side of the bath and runs out th...

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I didn't have a lot of time left in my busy day for my appointment with the male prostitute.

So I just blew him off.

You know when you have a dentist appointment so you brush your teeth extra to have a clean mouth?

Well, I have a prostate exam coming up. Now I need a new toothbrush.

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A husband gets into bed with his wife.

A husband gets into bed with his wife. He's feeling especially horny and starts kissing and caressing her. A couple minutes into foreplay and the wife stops her husband.

"Sorry, honey we can't do it tonight. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning."

The husband rolls ...

An older man is at a routine doctors appointment

Everything checks out, and he appears to be in good health.

At the end of the appointment, the doctor asks him if “he had any questions?”

The old man replies “no, I’m okay, but I am concerned about my wife; I don’t think her hearing is what it used to be.”

“That happens with ag...

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

I had an appointment with a microbiologist today

But I couldn't find him

Amazing joke i came up with

Sadness walked into the doctors office.
the doctor asked: Whats your appointment?
Sadness anwsered: Dis apoointment.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Superman has to make a doctor appointment...

The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.

"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."

Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowe...

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

Maurice is 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.

His doctor asks him a few questions: "Do you have any problems urinating?"

Maurice replies "No, Doctor. It's very regular, every morning at 7am."

"And what about your bowel movements?"

Maurice replies "They're fine also, Doctor. Every morning at 8am."

"So then why did you...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

A man walks into an office building with his son....

....they go to the front desk and the receptionist asks, "Excuse me, sir, do you have an appointment."

The father gestures to his son and says, "no, I have a disappointment."

A man with one hand walks into a thrift shop

He approaches and greets the cashier, and asks if he can make an appointment.

The cashier says "sir, this is a thrift shop"

He looks at her confused for a moment, but then realises his mistake.

"Oh, my apologies, I was told this was a second hand shop"

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

I was late to my urology appointment today

When I walked in, the receptionist said “urine trouble”

A guy named Jack ....

has a appointment at a sperm back at 9.00 am , he turns up at 9.30 am and the receptionist says "eh Jack ya late "

The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment.

It was a Joaquin.

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The rash on Frank's bum

Frank: I showed my doctor a rash on my bum yesterday, and he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Bill: That's very unprofessional, what did he say?

Frank: He told me to make an appointment like everyone else, and said he was never going to shop in Walmart again.

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Prostate exam

So I’m at my urology appointment for my prostate exam.

Urologist: “Sir, you really need to stop masturbating. “

Me: surprised “Why?!?”

Urologist: “Because I really need to finish this exam.”

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Patient: I need a doctors appointment please. Receptionist: Ok, how about 10 tomorrow?

Patient: No, I don’t need that many.

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.


WYRZYKOWTACZ.


Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"


Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

A man comes home for his nutritionist appointment.

He tells his wife, "These doctors need to get their act together. This one told me stay away from chips, but the other one told me to get the vaccine."

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Sex Therapy

Seems to be pretty old joke,

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong...

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A guy with a stutter walks into a doctor's office...

He asks the Doctor, "Hey, d-d-doc. I have a bad s-s-s-stutter, and I th-th-think it's because of my twelve inch p-p-penis. D-d-do you think you c-c-can take a f-f-few inches off?"

And the doctor replies, "Sure! No problem, at all!"

So they perform the surgery, the doctor removes severa...

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

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A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

King Charles to get Crown next year...

You know U.K. dentistry is bad when the King can't even get a dentist appointment.

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

A man walks into his psychiatrist appointment wearing nothing but cellophane

The shrink takes one look at him and says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

School play

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. I play a man who's been married for...

What time does the Asian dentist schedule their appointments?

She doesn't: the office staff schedule them on her behalf at different times throughout the day.

A 70 year old man named George goes in for a doctors appointment.

All of his physical tests yield normal result, so the doctor asks George if he is feeling well mentally, which George replies he is. He is then asked if he has a good relationship with his god. George explains that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the light automatical...

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat.

He was waiting patient Lee.

A vet had an doctor appointment.

So he gets in doctor's office and sits down.

Doc: Tell me what's wrong.

Vet: You have it so easy don't you, Doc.

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

Today at my appointment the doctor grabbed my balls, and told me to cough.

I should probably find another dentist.

I have an appointment with a horse doctor.

How that horse became a doctor I don't know.

What kind of appointment lowers your self- esteem?

Disappointment

A duck named Bill is finishing up his appointment with his veterinarian.

Bill - “Doc, I really think you should see a psychiatrist. It’s not natural that you can understand me”

Doc - “Don’t worry Bill, it’s this new over the counter drug I’m trying.”

Bill - “Sounds like quack.”

Doc - “No, actually crack and it seems like I need some more”

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

My wife asked me what time my dentist appointment is

“Tooth hurty”

“Hey Grandma, how was your doctors appointment?”

“I think the doctor was flirting with me. He told me I have acute angina!”

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

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Still finishing his screening paperwork, a man is called back for his doctor appointment...

The doctor walks into the room, and notices that the patient is struggling to grasp the pen as he fills out his paperwork.


Doctor: I see here that your appointment is due to hearing loss, though I can't help but notice you've got a little carpal tunnel. Have you had that looked at?
...

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

Christopher Walken has never had a problem getting a haircut appointment.

His barber doesn’t have a problem with walk-ins.

asking a veterinarian for a favor

A veterinarian walks into a bar for an after work drink, when he is approached by Bert, one of his best clients. "Hey doc," Bert says sadly. "I need to make an appointment to bring my St. Bernard in tomorrow and have you cut off her tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible...

What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

An appointment with the doctor

I sat waiting in the waiting room for 14 minutes and 32 anxious seconds, then was called went in, The doctor invited me to sit and put both hands flatly on the desk, turning his head to one side and said I've got all your results, I've got good news and bad news first the good news your not a Hypo...

My kid's pediatrician cancelled my appointment because i was 5 minutes late

He has very little patients.

I made an appointment with my doctor because I couldn’t get an erection.

But I later had to cancel because something came up.

A man goes in to the doctor's office to cancel an appointment.

Lady at the desk tells him that it's a $200 charge for cancelling without one week notice.

Guy asks how much does it cost to reschedule and the lady says it's free.

"Ok so I need to reschedule for two weeks out"

"Is three weeks ok?"

"Perfect"

"Alright, you're set f...

Told my friend I had to make an appointment with the Doctor. He asked "which doctor"?

I said no, just the regular kind.

So a woman makes an appointment to see her doctor...

She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says,

"Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the...

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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We’ve had a breakthrough!

A tortoise makes an appointment with his therapist

“How’s everything going?”, she asks him.

“Oh, you know, same old… can’t get laid to save my life. My mom’s crazy, she says I’m a shut-in, that I should get out more. But I know these fake turtle bitches are all full of plastic, they e...

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A young woman decided to get her eyes tested

A young woman decided to get her eyes tested as she'd recently been having trouble reading. So she books an appointment and goes in the following week. After waiting briefly she is ushered into one of the offices and is greeted by a middle aged man.

"How can I help you madame? " he asks her<...

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

Appointment at the doctor

Sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, the rectal exam went well.

The bad news is, I'm the janitor.

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

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Doctor’s appointment

I went to the doctor’s recently to get tested for some STDs (it has been a crazy year, guys)
So I went into his Office and told him about my situation... When I was done explaining I asked him:
“So... How are we going to do this?”
He looked at me, smiled and Said:
“Well, son, you’ve hear...

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I don't want to go.

I am thinking to just call there and say i am sick.

My friend had an doctor appointment...

One day, my friend had an doctor's appointment and he told me he didn't want to go. He asked me if he could try to avoid it.


I replied: Then call in sick.

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Why are you putting your sexy lingerie? It's just a dentist appointment after all.

\- Yeah, but what if he is a pervert?

The perfect time for a dentist appointment: 2:30

Why, you may ask?

Because: >!Tooth Hurty!<

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I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

Today I called my doctor's office asking for an appointment. She said, "how about 10 tomorrow?"

I said, "No I don't need that many."

Me scheduling a a doctors appointment

Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment

Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow

Me: No thanks, that's way too many

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A guy attends an appointment with a psychiatrist...

The doctor tells him he's going to administer the Rorschach (ink blot) test.

The Doc shows him the first ink blot and asks him what he sees.

The guy says, " The tip of a man's penis against a woman's back."

"And the second ink blot?"

The guy answers, "Two women making lov...

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Some jerk took all my money, called me fat, then stabbed me in the arm.

I hate doctor's appointments.

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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I had an appointment with a fortune teller today.

She cancelled it, due to unforseen circumstances.

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?

Tell them you can't come.

An odd dentist appointment

A woman is at a dentist appointment and is looking scared. The dentist, trying to alleviate some of the tension, asks if she knows how latex gloves are made. She replies, “No,” and he tells her men dip their hands in a vat of latex and wait for it to dry, effectively creating a latex glove. The woma...

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I called the Premature Ejaculation Clinic and asked if I needed to make an appointment.

They said I could come at any time.

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

I'm a retired Gynaecologist but ocassionally I do the odd appointment at a local surgey.

You know.... just to keep my hand in.

An old lady went for a doctor appointment

Old lady : I seen to fart a lot, but there isn’t any sound or smell, what’s the problem?

Doctor after examining her: I know what the problem is, take this pill three times a day and come back one month later.

1 month later

Old lady: I don’t know what you put in those pills but ...

Ugh I have a dentist appointment tomorrow

It's at 2:30

True story. I didn't notice it was funny until my gf told me

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A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.






>!baaaaaaa!<

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

I saw a billboard for virtual doctor's appointments with the caption 'the Dr can see you now' and I thought

What? Did they get glasses?

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

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Today I had a doctors appointment for premature ejaculation

It was at 4, when I got there, it was only 3. I guess I accidentally came early.

I cancelled my doctor's appointment recently

I was disappointed

I canceled my appointment at the sperm bank.

I told them I was sorry but I couldn't cum.

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

A doctor's appointment

A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

Cable Appointment

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

A man has a doctor appointment the next day that he wants to cancel.

So he goes into the office and asks the person at the desk, "Can I cancel my appointment?"

The person at the desk responds, "Of course, but there is a $100 cancelation fee if the appointment is in less than a week."

The man thinks for a minute than asks, "Is there a fee to reschedule...

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Dr. Appointment

I had a physical a couple of weeks ago, and the doctor asked pretty basic questions.
Do you smoke?
Only in Colorado.
Do you drink?
Only on nickel shot night.
How much per week do you work out
I asked her if sex counts
She looked up from his clipboard, sighed, flashed back t...

I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

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The doctor put his finger up my butt at my appointment today.

Worst. Dentist. Ever.

So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor....

Man:How much time do I have left

Doctor: Ten

Man: Ten what I don’t understand

Doctor: Eight

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