A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I learned that your surname denotes your ancestor's occupation like Baker, Mason, or Potter

Someone definitely has to explain why our surname is Dickinson.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German got pulled over by the police in France

*Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, “Name?”

“Vladimir Putin”

“Country of Origin?”

“Russia”

“Occupation?”

“No, no. Just visiting.”

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

Father's Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sist...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL - Last names came from our ancestors occupations

I feel really sorry for the Dickenson's.........

"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position

A German visits Poland.

A German visits Poland, and is stopped at the boarder by a Polish official.

The Polish Official asked "Occupation?"


The German replied "Yes," and thus began the bloodiest conflict in human history.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Occupation

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation.

I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

​

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

​

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Meeting the Irish Mother

A young Irish lad takes the girl he loves to meet his family.

The matriarch of the family asks the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitantly says, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately, the lad's mother faints. After regaining c...

When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,

The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write “I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.

The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations.

Nothing beats his meat!

What's the most popular occupation in Italy?

Pastatution.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert prou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.

The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."

The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itse...

A german joke in english

Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:


cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visitin...

I saw my friends Israeli passport recently.

Under occupation it just said Palestine.

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in tront of him.

St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his lis...

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What title do a sandwich and an occupation in the porn industry share?

The Fluffernutter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Logical Scientist

Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No ...

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"

"Vell, only if you insist " he replied.

A Russian goes to Ukraine

As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman because she had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.

The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

The lady tells him that her new husband is a funeral director.

"Interesting," the newsman thinks....

He then asks her if she ...

An old man dies and stands before the pearly white gates

He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help.

"Yes," says the old man, "I've just died ...

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes,...

A german visits France...

and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:

- Name?

- Albert Schmidt.

- Nationalite?

- German.

- Occupation? (In a French accent)

- No no, just visiting.

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

A German in France

A German is traveling to France and is going through passport control. The agent asks the German "reason for travel ?"
"For work", replies the German.
Occupation ? Asks the agent.
"Not this time"

Paddy and Mick got laid off...

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
 
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and f...

Someone from /r/Germany wanted a french maid so he visits /r/France...

French users were discussing how hard it is to get a job in France and there was more jobs in Germany. The moderator asks German guy why he was visiting /r/France. The no nonsense German guy says "business". The mod asks "Occupation?" To which German guy responds, "Not today"

Two men arrive at the pearly gates.

One is an Englishman, the other a Philippino. St. Peter informs them that only one will be admitted. St. Peter asks the Englishman what his occupation was in life.

I was a poet, he responds.

Oh very good, we need more poets in heaven.

And you sir, turning to the Philippin...

A man is forced to go to his therapist

After a suicide attempt he made the day before. Once he was in the therapist's office, the therapist started of the conversation by asking about why he attempted to take his own life. "Well, earlier in the day my wife handed me divorce papers, that said she would take the dog, and that the kids woul...

Hitler goes to France

As he reaches the immigration desk, the clerk reviews his passport and asks, "Name?"

The fuhrer whispers, "Adolf Hitler"

"Occupation?"

Hitler shakes his head... "No, just visiting".

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and
the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,
charged with
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put
this man in a dry
cell!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Internet recipe competition

There was a new competition for people to post their favorite recipes and the prize for the winner was to be featured on the front page of the local newspaper and the town website.

In an effort to save time and effort, the participants were told to submit these recipes online.

People ...

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

Joe walks into a bar (Long)

and sits down. A little further down the bar from him he spies a Frenchman. There have only been people from France in town once or twice before, and so Joe rarely sees them and has never spoken with them. Joe's curiousity gets the best of him, and he hops down several stools to sit next to the m...

The pros and cons of being overly literal

PROS:

People who profit as a result of their occupation.

CONS:

People found guilty of a criminal offense.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, jus...

The Big Pizza Place

There was once this really big pizza place, so big that each job was assigned to one person; one person put the pizza in the oven, one guy put on the toppings, and so forth. Well there was this one guy who worked by pushing his hands into the dough and making sure that it was the right shape. Day in...

Bibi Netanyahu is traveling

The clerk asks him "name?"

he answers, "Benjamin Netanyahu."

the clerk asks "occupation?"

"WE WON IT IN A DEFENSIVE WAR AND ISRAEL IS THE ONLY DEMOCRACY IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The independent and autonomous Hungarian

(This is a Romanian joke, but I'll try to explain the context and translate it for you because I think is a great joke worth knowing

**Context:** In Romania there is a region called Transylvania, which represents 1/3 of the country that was under Hungarian occupation for about 50 years. Now i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A not so shitty story

A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives.

Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does anot...

So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

"Occupation?" - The officer asks.
"Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

A Russian student goes to Ukraine to visit his girlfriend

and is stopped at the border and asked for identification. The guard looks carefully at his paperwork and asks tersely, 'Name?' 'Vlad', he replies. 'Occupation?', the officer inquires. 'Nyet, just here on vacation.'

A Russian is travelling to Poland...

and he is stopped to be checked by an officer.

"Name?" the officer asked.

"Vlad Dobrynin," the man answered.

"Nationality?"

"Russian."

"Occupation?"

"No, no, just visiting."

So I found out why France has such a bad employment problem

It's because they aren't fond of occupations

A Russian man is visiting Germany.

The lady at the passport control asks him his name and where he's from.

"Sergey Ivanov" the Russian says, "I from Russia."

"Occupation?"

"No, just visit this time." he answers.

Two cops are sitting in their car late at night...

...watching a bar in the hope of catching drunk drivers.

It nears 3 AM and they see a severely intoxicated man struggling to open the door to let himself out of the bar. He's walking in zig-zags all the way to a car in the streets. He struggles to fetch his keys from his pocket and, when he f...

Darth Vader decides that being a Sith lord isn't lucrative enough....

Too much money funneled into replacement deathstars, storm trooper wages and empire taxes.

He decides that in order to retire comfortably he needs to find a steady well paid job.

He goes out and tries his hand at baking, banking, and various other occupations. Finally he settles on c...

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer

'Nationality?' He asks

'German' she replies

'Occupation?'

'No, just visiting'

Two Newfie brothers, Bob and Tom, go to the unemployment office one day.

After hours of standing in line, Bob is called in to speak with a social worker.

The social worker asks him "What is your occupation?"

Bob replies "I'm a diesel fitter."

The social worker informs Bob that she just happens to know of a trucking company that is hiring for this pos...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timing is Key

During the Japanese Occupation Mike, Sam and Ben were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Mike came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion....

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.

She reaches customs.

Officer: Name?

Merkel: Angela Merkel

Officer: Nationality?

Merkel: Deutsche

Officer: Occupation?

Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

Greek/German joke I heard recently

So Angela Merkel decides to try to shore up some Euro solidarity by taking a vacation in Greece. When she gets to the border crossing, the guard looks over her papers and asks her "occupation?" "No," she replies, "just a vacation this time."

A mother enters a bus with her infant son.

A mother enters a bus with her infant son. The bus driver glances at them both and says:

-I'll be damned! That must be the ugliest kid I've seen in my entire life!

The mother is of course very insulted, and she slams the money down in front of the bus driver and walks over to the very ...

So Jesus is walking by the pearly gates...

...when St. Peter calls him over and asks if he can take over for a bit so that he can use the bathroom. Jesus agrees, what harm could there be in it.

So after a while, an old man who looks slightly familiar to Jesus walks up to be judged.

"What's your name sir?" Jesus asked.

Th...

German tourist crosses Polish border

German tourist crosses Polish border. Border guards ask him:

-Name?

-Hans

-Surname?

-Schmidt

-Occupation?

-No, just traveling.

an old Russian man wants to visit a friend in germany

an old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

German guy at the French border.

A German guy is at the French border.

The French customs officer asks him some questions.

-Name?

*-Karl Schmidt.*

-Place of Residence?

*-Munich.*

-Occupation?

*-Oh, no, no. I'm just visiting.*




(Translated from an /r/French comment: ...

Brazilian Soldiers

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old jokes about Russians ..from Soviet times... from Lithuania.

Few Days after Jurij Gagarin went to space and was the first human who ever made it into space, in a small village a man is visiting his neighbour.

"Jonai ! Did you read that ? The Russians now went into Space!"

his neighbour got big eyes, happiness came over his face and he asked bac...

My father was a nun.

Whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".

(From Blackadder Goes Forth, is this still eligible for /r/jokes?)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

When the Chinese fill out government forms...

Under "Occupation" do they write "Tibet"?

Diesel Fitter

Because of the down turn of the economy, Marv and Billy were laid off. They went to the unemployment office to file for unemployment.

When asked his occupation, Marv said, "Crotch sewer. I sew the crotches on to panty hose." The clerk looked up sewer and found it classified as unskilled labo...

A German lands in Paris...

Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him:

-Occupation?

-Oh, no no, just visiting!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi flew to Poland...

At passport check he was stopped and asked a few questions:

Security "Are you visiting for business or pleasure?"

Nazi "Business"

Security "Occupation?"

Nazi "No, just visiting this time"

With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and productio...

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven

In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says "state your name and occupation please"

He says "Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"

St. Peter checks his list and smiles, "...

A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black c...

Why are librarians so shy?

Their occupation makes them very shelf conscious.

Du Hast

German heavy metal band Rammstein travels to Poland for the next stop on their international tour. As the airport official goes through their passports and checks them in, she asks, "Occupation?"

The singer replies, "No, no. Were just here to perform a show. We'll be gone by tomorrow morning....

Two men are at the unemployment line

The first goes up to the counter. The clerk asks him "What was your previous occupation?" He said "I used to sew the liners in bras" So the clerk sets $100/week as his benefit.

The next guy goes and the clerk asks him the same thing. He says "I'm a diesel fitter." So the clerk sets $500/week ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chicken raiser

The census taker asked a girl to give her occupation.
"whore" she answered.
"I can't list it that way, Miss."
"Okay, put down prostitute."
"I can't list it that way either."
"How about chicken raiser?"
"Chicken raiser?" he asked in puzzlement.
"Sure, last year I raised nine hun...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jobs of our fathers

The principal of a school was to inspect one of the classes in her school. Before the inspection the head teacher goes to the class and tells the students that to every question from the principal, they need to give an illustrious answer even if it's not true.

The principal arrives. She goes...

Little Johnny's Father

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My contribution to Blasphemy day - A pothead died...

and went to heaven.

Upon reaching the heavenly gates, Saint Peter asked him:

"What was your occupation on earth my son?"

The pothead replied: "I used to smoke a lot of marijuana sir."

Saint Peter then got a little confused in his head because he had never heard of anythin...