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Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job,
every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible."

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

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An employer is forced to fire one of his employees

He has to decide between Jack or Susan. They are both great workers with exceptional sales. He decides to interview them separately to decide who to fire.
He calls jack into his office and says I will cut to the chase. I need to lay you or Susan off, why should I keep you? Jack responds his comp...

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

‘Describe yourself with one word’, my employer asked.

‘Bad with numbers’

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

Henry goes to work

His employer is screaming at him “You should have been here at 09:00”.
Henry: Why what happen at 09:00?

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

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My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks."

"I'll pass."

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

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A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

My employer drug tested me

Turns out his weed is better.

I think the Chinese employer liked jewellery...

He asked me what I could bling

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

My employer treated me just like family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

Relationship between Employer and Employee

They pretend they pay us, we pretend we work.

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If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you

Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.

At the end of a job interview, the employer asks the future employee

"So, do you have any questions regarding the company ?"
"How many people are working here ?" "well, i hope that at least half of them are."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was told by this employer that he was required to go see a therapist if he wanted to keep his job.

So he dresses himself head to toe in cling wrap and heads out the door for his appointment. He waits in the waiting room until he is called, then enters the doctors office and sits and waits patiently until the doctor looks up from whatever he is scribbling.

The doctor looks up and sighs....

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

A man walks into an interview

Employer: Hello, now tell me. Please describe yourself in one word.

Man: Hired.

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

Strike Asks Employers to Imagine "A Day Without a Woman."

I knew traffic seemed smoother than usual this morning.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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