Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

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A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

I think the Chinese employer liked jewellery...

He asked me what I could bling

My employer drug tested me

Turns out his weed is better.

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

My employer treated me just like family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

Strike Asks Employers to Imagine "A Day Without a Woman."

I knew traffic seemed smoother than usual this morning.

Relationship between Employer and Employee

They pretend they pay us, we pretend we work.

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you

Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

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A guy was told by this employer that he was required to go see a therapist if he wanted to keep his job.

So he dresses himself head to toe in cling wrap and heads out the door for his appointment. He waits in the waiting room until he is called, then enters the doctors office and sits and waits patiently until the doctor looks up from whatever he is scribbling.

The doctor looks up and sighs....

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.



A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first c...

At the end of a job interview, the employer asks the future employee

"So, do you have any questions regarding the company ?"
"How many people are working here ?" "well, i hope that at least half of them are."

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

why do pedophiles make good employers?

they don't mind if you're a little behind.

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My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

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NSFW

Sally has been feeling harassed by one of her coworkers, John. She tells her employer that he has been harassing her and he asks her, "What does he do?"

She says, "He always tells me my hair smells nice."

Her boss replies, "That's not really sexual harassment."

Sally says, "He's...

A Levels

Despite my A Level results being A B B A, it still seems no employer will Take a Chance On Me.

A woman goes to the doctor and is asked to remove her bra and panties.

Woman: Why do I need to do that?

Doctor: The file says your future employer wants me to perform a complete physical exam on you.

Woman: Well, can I have a female nurse in here too, then?

Doctor: What for? They're all kind of busy right now.

Woman: Just so that I'm more co...

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”



He rol...

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He's getting the job . . All the jobs . .

Employer: What makes you think you are qualified to work in the Porn Industry . .

Man: I'm always hard at work.

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

Lions eat anything

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who is the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he d...

Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New Yor...

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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Three people are called for an interview...

... Before the day of the interview the employer took the guys out for a fancy dinner to sense the strengths and weaknesses of his future employee.

The day of the interview.

The first guy went in. The employer asked several questions and the guy answered. The employer was impressed wit...

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Dion Weisler, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were in a crowded bathroom.

Dion left his urinal, proceeded to the sink, washed his hands, and aggressively brandished paper towel after paper towel to rid his hands of anything resembling moisture. Before leaving, he announced to the bathroom, "At Hewlett-Packard, our employers are trained to always be thorough and vigorous."...

Looking for Office help..

So they put a sign in the window, that read:

HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist ...

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The Job Interview

Me: "Time travel"

Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “T...

The Captain's Parrot

There once was a captain of a large cruise ship that had a very intelligent parrot. To keep the parrot busy while the captain was working, he left him in the ballroom where the magician performed his act. The parrot would watch the magician at work, and over time, the parrot learned the secrets of...

Sheboygan sausage

A man approaches a cardinal at a Vatican fundraiser and introduces himself as a representative of the Sheboygan Sausage Company.



"On behalf of my employer, I would like to submit a million-dollar donation to the Catholic Church."



"That's extremely charitable of you," sa...

R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...

A man goes into a job interview

A man, fresh out of college, goes into a job interview and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is.

"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and you present yourself fantastically," he says. "Your present lack of experience in the professional world is unconcernin...

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An Employee Is Called Into His Manager's Office

The manager sits him down and says "I have reports you have been using your computer for non-work-related activities."

"No sir, that simply isn't true," the man said.

"I have a lot of complaints about it though," the manager replied, unconvinced. "People say they see you playing solita...

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This guy was sitting in a job interview...

This guy was sitting in a job interview with a prospective employer. The interviewer asked a range of questions, and was really impressed with this guy's answers.

Finally, he asked "What would you say is your biggest weakness?"

The interviewee responds, "Hmmm I would say that it's got...

A chinese man walks into a job centre

A chinese man walks into a job centre, the person asks him "can you work in a shop?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in shop" the person says "can you work in a restaurant?" the chinese man says "no no, can't work in restaurant" The person says "are you any good at supplies then"

The...

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Joke my cousin told me today

There are two twin brothers, one is a very successful dentist and the other is an unemployed bum. The bum brother has no job and lives with the successful dentist. One day he makes the decision to go out and get a job, so he gets in his car and he starts driving to some possible employers to hand ou...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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A graduate has an interview at a fancy restaurant

A young achiever recently graduated from university and is in the process of interviewing for her first "real" job. She made it past the preliminaries with one of her preferred employers and was invited to have dinner at a fancy restaurant with her potential boss. Naturally, she arrives early to mak...

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A man responded to a newspaper ad looking for a blacksmith

Caller: I'm calling about a the blacksmithing job.

Employer: Do you know how to shoe horses?

Caller: No, but I can tell them to fuck off if you like.

Job Interview

I was at a job interview today, and my employer gave me a laptop and asked me to sell it to him. I then walked out the door with the laptop under my arm.
A few hours later, he called me at home and demanded that I give it back to him, to which I replied; "200 Bucks and it's yours."

Drug test

Employer- we need to take your drug test to see if there are any drugs in your urine

Employee- I'll pass, you won't check my nose right?

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

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An American, a Japanese and a Bosnian architect are looking at a mountain.

American: If we Americans started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would build a tunnel in about two months.
Japanese: That's nothing, if we Japanese started drilling on the one end of the mountain and on the other end of the mountain, we would bu...

Yet another dumb blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a department store. She walks over to an employee and says

"I'd like to buy that TV over there".

The employer looks at her and then says

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes here".

So the blonde leaves. The next day, she comes back with her hair died br...

A joke from my Philosophy textbook

The employer introduced himself to his new gardener.

"I am a professor of logic," the employer said.
"Oh. What's that?" the gardener asked.
"I shall give you a demonstration," announced the professor. "Do you own a wheelbarrow?"
"Yes," replied the gardener.
"Then I infer you are ...

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