UPJOKE
voluntaryworkerunpaidofferworkymcaservicemanenlistcommunitynurseinternsmentorshireservicenon-profit

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Today at work they had an HR driven roundtable, where we were supposed to share our favorite charities and where we volunteer. I managed to piss everyone off.

I said "I do a lot of work with unwed mothers."

People asked what specifically I do with them.

I responded, "I just help them get their start"

Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight along side Ukrainian Forces

His first task… Crimea River

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

A Dark One

So this guy volunteers at a childrens cancer ward, he made friends with a boy named Timmy, they talked about star wars, watched marvel movies, played checkers, traded baseball cards. One day, little Timmy asks the guy "Hey mister, when I get out of this place, will you still come visit me?", the guy...

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

Mom knows best

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while wat...

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

I tried to find volunteers for a tug of war game during a party, but failed miserably

The good players just won't come forward.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

What do you call a volunteer bricklayer?

A freemason.

A mathematician wants more excitement and wants to become a volunteer fireman on the weekends

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

No one understands the importance of milliseconds, more than a volunteer firefighter.

It's the amount of time they have between meeting you, and telling you they are a volunteer firefighter.

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer?

You reek-uh!

OC- as far as I know

I volunteer part time as a jouster at the renaissance fair.

I’m a free lancer.

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

I volunteered to help blind kids from ages 1 to 14

Oh and “blind” was a verb

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

So I tried to volunteer for my local soccer team, and they asked me “What’s your favourite position?”

I’d still like to know how exactly “Doggystyle” wasn’t a valid answer.

I am so bored now, So I applied for The NHS volunteer scheme.

Turns out they've got enough gynaecologist, Just waiting to hear back from the breast clinic.

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

My wife volunteers every week as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

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The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

I volunteer in a support group for people inflicted with ennui. I mainly ensure that there are enough seats for the attendees.

Basically, I'm the chairman for the bored.

What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?

More-soup-y’all?

China's national anthem is titled 'March of the Volunteers'

But most people are forced to sing it.

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

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A teacher asked for 3 volunteers to each take home $1 and spend it in the most economicall way they could think of.

The three students chosen were Betty, Samuel and Adam.

The next morning the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class how they spent their $1.

Betty: "I went to the shop and bought a bag of lollies. I took them home and I had some, I gave some to my Brother, some to my Mother,...

The CDC needs volunteers for the control group to test a new antidote for children.

Any antivaxxers have kids they can part with?

My girlfriend asked me why I always volunteer to drive her around on Rosh Hashanah...

I dunno, I just heard they always blow the shofar.

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I wanted to volunteer at the tourettes disorder association

But they told me to go fuck myself.

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A Brave Bunch of Volunteer Firemen...

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was a more than the fire department could handle.Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, t...

What do you call an elderly person who volunteers their time?

A dentured servant

I would never do volunteer work.

You couldn't pay me to do that s**t.

An English teacher has volunteered to educate prisoners at a local prison.

Teahcer: "can you tell me please, what comes after every sentence?"

One of the prisoners then responds with;
"that's easy. Parole."

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Shizo Abe, Narendra Modi and Vladimir Putin are driving to an important conference.

It's nighttime and suddenly, their car breaks down in the middle of the countryside. They find shelter at a farm, the farmer offers them to sleep at his place but warns them: "I only have two spare beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn. It's quite warm in there, but there are a deer and a ...

So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

I really hope I get the missionary position

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

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A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church...

The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: "You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adulte...

I just started volunteering at this place called Muhammad's Bakery.

It's a naan prophet organization.

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

I love volunteering so much..

I'd do it for free

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

As a volunteer, I taught a seminar on how to write persuasive speeches at my local prison.

I titled the course: "Prose and Cons".

I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...

So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.

I once volunteered to help out at a special needs school

I played games with them like football, tennis, basketball etc.
It makes you feel so good inside...


Because you always win.

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

Peter calls up Satan (long)

"What do you want Peter?
"I need you to take three people. We are renovating and they need a place to stay. You'll need to take them for a week. No torture! Treat them well."
Three volunteer to endure Hell for a week. Pope John Paul, Alexander Campbell, and Kenneth Copelan.
After the fourth...

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A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

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For the last 20 years, a man has been volunteering for the police, participating in the police lineups

And not even once has anyone recognized him for all his efforts.

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

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I just started volunteering at the library. We're putting on a fundraiser where we gather porn stars from all over the country and have them read as many books as they can in 60min to raise money for kids with jaundice

We're calling it the Golden SHH Hour.

(OC)

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

I was doing well before I started volunteering at the soup kitchen;

now I'm doing good.

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

Th...

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

Bob's volunteered to give a C programming workshop but needs a topic

Give that man some pointers

Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day...

Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day behind the help desk when a black guy asks where the colored printers are.

I said, "it's MLK day 2018, you can use whichever printer you want!"

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Medical science has come a long way.

There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the foreskin from new born males and create eyelids for those born without ...

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

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Two friends are stranded in the desert...

After roaming around for days they stumble on a small cottage and meet a 90 year old witch who promises to cast a spell to send them back to civilization if one of them will have 3 rounds of sex with her. Hell no! One friend exclaims. The other thinks about it for a minute and volunteers to go in an...

My brother volunteered to perform my sons circumcision

But I could never force kin to do that.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

I've been volunteering a lot with the hearing impaired lately:

I couldn't care less about them as a group, but it's the only way to find a girlfriend who is completely mute.

When it comes to volunteering on my gynaecology residency,

I’m the first to put my hand up.

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

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Jim moves to a small village for a new job...

... And the village has no women - only men and animals.

Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?"

The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there."

Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thinks to hi...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

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Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked t...

Blonde Convention

Thousands of blondes meet for the International Convention for Blondes. The emcee says we are now going to show the world that blondes aren’t airheads and asks for a volunteer. Bambi raises her hand and the emcee invites her to the stage.
The emcee says, “OK Bambi what is 2+2 ?. Bambi closes her...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

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I heard they are looking for a virgin to toss in to a volcano to appease 2020.

Do any of my fellow redditors want to volunteer?

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