Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.

The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth. "What y'all want done 'round here?" the bumpkin asks.

"I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard."

"Alrighty!" says the bumpkin. "I'll have 'er done in a jiffy." And...

I asked my handyman why did he paint my staircase white

He was indeed puzzled. The only thing I got from him is a blank stair

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two ...

The handyman asked when he should come fix the hinges

I said anytime. The door's always open.

What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire

Why should you call a handyman to build your fence, but a redditor to fix it?

The handy man is good at putting in posts, but nobody reposts like a redditor.

[Long] A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

She walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house.

A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch need painted, how much would that cost?"

She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.

When t...

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working ...

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start...

How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

He was hammered.

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

Why is the handyman a bad boyfriend?

He nuts and bolts.

Did you hear about the handyman who's had too many drinks?

He was hammered.

What did the handyman do...

when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the handyman who had sex with his mom?

Unfortunately, he's not a very handy man because he broke his arms.

A terrible accident has just occurred at work.

Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman.

Im going to start a handyman business that employs illegals for odd jobs...

I'm going to call it Manuel Labor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

Halloween is about to be so disappointing.

Might end up just dressing as a handyman and getting some stuff done around the house.

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

A guy goes in to a brothel with only a few pennies in his pocket...

He walks up to the Madame and handing her the coins asks "Who can I get for this?". Taking the money the Madame says "Go see the girl in room 23."

Walking up the stairs the guy thinks "What kind of monster am I gonna find for such little money??".

But as he enters the room he see a gor...

A handy man in the closet

My grandma just sent me this joke in the form of a video and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A couple lives nearby some train tracks and it makes a thundering noise when it passes. The lady and her husband learned to sleep with ear covers and all that and made the best of the situation s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father takes his son on a tour of his home town....

He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."

Then he takes him to the local creek.

"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me...

How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?

As many as they need to pay the handyman.

(I hope it isn't a repost, but haven't seen this version of the joke anywhere yet and I came upon it myself.)

Everyday my wife is complaining about something,

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room.

The next day I get home from work again to be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 scientists are on a research vessel

There's a storm at sea, and the ship sinks. The 3 scientists are the only survivors, and wake up on a small island.
Upon regaining consciousness, they are quickly captured by a native tribe living on the island.
This tribe has an ancient custom of using tanned human skin to make their canoes....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.