UPJOKE
plumbingodd-job manrepairmanelectriciancarpentryadvertisingcarpenterneurologyaustraliadrywalldo-it-yourselfcraigslistmarketingjanitorsignage

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.

The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth. "What y'all want done 'round here?" the bumpkin asks.

"I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard."

"Alrighty!" says the bumpkin. "I'll have 'er done in a jiffy." And...

Rich guy hires an immigrant handyman.

As he's leaving for work one day he says "Luigi, today please paint the porch"
Later he calls Luigi to check on his progress.
"Did you paint the porch, Luigi?"
"Yes sir, and a, I painted the a bmw too"

Local handyman comes to my house to give quotes..

I show him the kitchen that needs repainting.

"€30" he says, before walking to the window, opening it and screaming out "Green side up! Green side up!".

Ignoring the outburst because the price was so good I show him the bathroom that needs retiling.

"€30" he says, before again ...

My wife and I decided to spice things up and roll play our actual jobs, her a nurse and me a handyman.

She went to bed early from working a double and her feet being sore and I didn’t even show up.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two ...

What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire

The handyman asked when he should come fix the hinges

I said anytime. The door's always open.

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working ...

Why should you call a handyman to build your fence, but a redditor to fix it?

The handy man is good at putting in posts, but nobody reposts like a redditor.

[Long] A blonde woman decides to start a handyman service to make some extra money.

She walks around a wealthy neighborhood and walks up to the first house.

A man answers the door and she asks if there is anything she can do. He tells her "The porch need painted, how much would that cost?"

She replies "How does $50 sound?" He agrees and she gets to work.

When t...

What did the handyman do...

when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

I asked my handyman why did he paint my staircase white

He was indeed puzzled. The only thing I got from him is a blank stair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The handyman's case with naked yoga

After 6 month of naked yoga class, the wife goes home to her husband very excited, as she finally mastered the split. Very eager to show off her new talents, she strips naked in the middle of the kitchen and goes down to split. The husband is very impressed, but when the wife tries to get up, she re...

Why is the handyman a bad boyfriend?

He nuts and bolts.

How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

He was hammered.

Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?

It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.

Did you hear about the handyman who's had too many drinks?

He was hammered.

Did you hear about the surgeon who accidentally swapped his tools with the hospital handyman’s?

His last surgery was gut wrenching.

A newly-wed couple moves into their new house

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, a plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it, when a woman.....

hires a man to do things that her husband won't do, he's called a handyman? But when a man hires a woman to do things his wife won't do, she's called a prostitute?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

A terrible accident has just occurred at work.

Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

Im going to start a handyman business that employs illegals for odd jobs...

I'm going to call it Manuel Labor.

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

A handy man in the closet

My grandma just sent me this joke in the form of a video and I wanted to share it with you guys.

A couple lives nearby some train tracks and it makes a thundering noise when it passes. The lady and her husband learned to sleep with ear covers and all that and made the best of the situation s...

A guy goes in to a brothel with only a few pennies in his pocket...

He walks up to the Madame and handing her the coins asks "Who can I get for this?". Taking the money the Madame says "Go see the girl in room 23."

Walking up the stairs the guy thinks "What kind of monster am I gonna find for such little money??".

But as he enters the room he see a gor...

How many women does it take to change a light bulb ?

As many as they need to pay the handyman.

(I hope it isn't a repost, but haven't seen this version of the joke anywhere yet and I came upon it myself.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father takes his son on a tour of his home town....

He takes his son to the town square and he says "see these beautiful buildings and shops? Me and my buddies built them with our own bare hands. And no one calls me a carpenter or an architect...."

Then he takes him to the local creek.

"See this creek and the irrigation system in it? Me...

Everyday my wife is complaining about something,

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room.

The next day I get home from work again to be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 scientists are on a research vessel

There's a storm at sea, and the ship sinks. The 3 scientists are the only survivors, and wake up on a small island.
Upon regaining consciousness, they are quickly captured by a native tribe living on the island.
This tribe has an ancient custom of using tanned human skin to make their canoes....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.