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Lid Jokes

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A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

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Did you guys hear about the kid born with no eye lids?

They made him some out of his foreskin. he came out a little cock eyed but other than that he’s fine

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In my house it is a rule to always put the toilet seat lid DOWN!

We're always dropping shit in there.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

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My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

Will caskets with clear lids ever catch on?

Remains to be seen.

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A kid was born with no eye lids

And the parents ask the doctor what could he do to fix him. The doctor examined the child and saw that he was a boy. The doctor smiled and told the parents they are in luck! Why is that the mom asks? Because I can take some of your babies foreskin and fashion eye lids. The dad asked if there would b...

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A baby born with no eye lids

The mother is in shock and asked if the baby would ever be able to see and the doc replied "oh yes we would just get the skin after the circumcision and use for eye lids"
The mother still in shock asks "but will he be fine?"
The doctor says " yeah a little cock eyed but fine"

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One of my employees today complained that the sundae lids won’t fit.

I told her “Well duh, that’s because it’s Monday!”

They are so done with my bullshit today. Lol.

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A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island

The only thing on the island besides the three academics is a single can of beans. They are discussing how to get it open.

The physicist suggests that they build a fire and heat up the can until the pressure causes the can to explode.

The chemist says “No, no, the beans will fly eve...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

There is 2 eye lids that are both waiters

and their manager is named brain. Brain said “You two are closing tonight.”

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A new plastic surgery for missing eye lids has been invented.

It used circumcised men’s forskin to rebuilt the eye lids.
Unfortunately early results are disappointing, everyone has ended up cock eyed.

How are a lid on a sewer and a pair of men's underwear the same?

They're both manhole covers.

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

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A baby was born with no eyes lids...

So the doctors decided to circumcise him and use the skin to craft new eyes lids.

They botched it though and he came out looking a bit cock-eyed.

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

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My cousin was born without eye lids

My cousin was born without eye lids so when they circimsised him they used his foreskin to graft eyelids for him. The surgery went fine but he's a little cockeyed now.

What did the jar say when I put a lid on it after telling it I wouldn't do that

I feel lid on

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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

I’d been trying to get the lid of my pen for hours...

Nothing I was trying was working.

Then it clicked.

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There was a boy born without eye lids last week!

Doctors were able to make him eye lids out of the foreskin from his circumcision.

They think he will be alright, but he is going to be a little cock-eyed.

An older man goes to the doctor for his physical.

The doctor hands him a plastic cup, and asks him to bring it back the following day with a sperm sample.

The next day the man returns to the doctor with the cup, which is still empty. The doctor asks what the problem is.

The man says, “well, first I tried for 20 minutes, but could...

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Three bees in a jar

You should go up to a person and start telling them this:

"There are three bees stuck in a jar. Two females and one male. The females want to get out of the jar, and the male knows how to get out of the jar. One of the females goes to the male and asks him, 'How do I get out of this thing?' T...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue.

The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.
When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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Put the lid down after you poop a thousand times and no one cares

But forget to lift it beforehand once and suddenly you're the bad guy

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was...

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TIL Doctors have successfully grafted eye lids on a patient using foreskin.

The surgery went well, but now she's a little cock eyed.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Why did the Green Giant get a new lid?

Because he always spills the beans.

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

Q: What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive today in 2022?

A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.

Hee hee!

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump...

Thump...

Thump...

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries a...

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with everything." The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.

"Where's my change?" the monk asks. The vendor replies, "change comes from within".

I had a vasectomy done 2 years ago..

Mainly because I didn’t want any lids whatsoever, but when I got home from the hospital after the operation, they were still there…

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Did anyone else hear about the baby who was born recently, without eyelids? The doctors actually used his foreskin to make a pair of lids for him.

It was an experimental procedure, and it worked great!.... except now he's all cock-eyed.

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

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So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his foreskin

He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.

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I got a headache after sex.

It was my fault for banging myself on the coffin lid.

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....

....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.

What would Amy Winehouse be doing if she were alive today?

Scratching at the lid of her coffin.



Too soon?

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Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

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When you're getting old

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.“

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which ...

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Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it ...

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

Giving your cat a bath.

We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.



1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.
2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling a...

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My friend died of an overdose of Viagra.

Took them 2 days to shut the coffin lid..

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At t...

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

A couple went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered the Chicken Surprise.

When the food arrived it was in a cast iron pot.

The boyfriend reached over only to have the lid pop up, and staring back at him were two beady eyes. Then the lid slammed down.

The couple was weirded out by this, but the boyfriend reached over again only to have the lid pop back up and...

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Surfing incident

Doctor: Why is your penis so bruised

Patient: I hurt it in a surfing accident

Doctor:Did you fall off your board?

Patient: No I slammed my laptop lid shut when wife walked in

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

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Three dead men go to hell at the same time.

There is a white man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man. Satan tells them that they can only leave hell if he can't do what they ask. The white man asks for the fastest sports car in the world; he goes to into hell. The Chinese man asks for the most advanced computer in the world; he goes into to hel...

An engineer encounters a frog...

A Civil engineer, while doing field work, comes across a frog, who suddenly begins to speak to him.

"Sir" she says, "I know this must seem very strange, but I'm actually a woman, cursed to inhabit this frog form. But if you would help me, you could turn me back into a woman with a simple kis...

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A boy was born with a rare condition called ablepharia..

It’s were the child is born without eyes lids. The doctor tells the parents that there is a new surgical treatment were they take the foreskin of the circumcision to create new eye lids. The parents asks how successful the surgery has been.

The doctor says “The surgery itself is pretty simp...

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Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

Poor old Paddy had died. (NSFW)

Paddy had dropped over from a heart attack! After the funeral, one of his widow's friends dropped by to see how she was holding up. The mostly sat in the parlor and chatted, but the smell of something cooking aroused the friend's curiosity, so she wandered over to the stove and lifted the lid on t...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

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A husband died.

The widow organised his funeral and arranged with the undertaker to have him laid out in an open coffin so that she and the family could say their goodbyes before the lid was screwed down.

On the day before the viewing was due to take place the widow received a call from the undertaker advis...

Finger Accident

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend. He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?" "No, thank goodness," snif...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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Family of three were watching TV on evening.

The young son was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, fiddling with a yogurt packet. He couldn't get the lid off.

"Stupid fucking yogurt," the son muttered while he was struggling with the yogurt lid.

The mother was appalled, knowing that her husband too has a horrible mouth. Sh...

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This older couple were spending their later years hoping for grandchildren to no avail.

Giving up on their kids, they decided they were going to have their own grandchildren.

Their first step took them to their doctor to see if it was a possibility.

The doctor told them they had to determine the feasibility through a couple of tests.

He gave the grandfather to b...

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

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Three maggots are left crawling around at the bottom of a garbage bin.

One day they all turn into flies, one male and two female, and start buzzing around the inside of the bin.

The female, realising there's no practical way out, turns to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the garbage bin?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe as...

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

A guy sees an ad in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."

The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.

The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.

He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you wan...

Fast Food Fury

My fast-food order arrived but it was incomplete. I was missing my fries. They had no more ketchup. They ran out of napkins. And the cashier said, “I can’t give you a lid for your drink or you won’t be able to drink it,” and she pointed at the previous customer holding a drink. That is when I threw ...

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

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How to pick a girl.

Got to a chic in a bar and tell her this joke.
Three flies are stuck in a jar. Two female flies and one male fly. For some reason the female flies have it in their heads that the male knows how to get out. The first female fly buzzes over the the male and asks him how to get out of the jar.
<...

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

The Indian who lived in a toilet

A guy went to use the toilet and when he lifted the lid he noticed a little Indian guy in there and he asked him why he was in the toilet and the Indian said "I've Seen many moons"

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.



When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see ...

An Archery joke

When I was a security guard I had to make sure people didn't dig in the trash cans. You know, to keep them from falling in or getting their hands stuck in the lid. Well one day this old gentleman was looking through a can, where he had his arm in the trash can all the
way to the shoulder.
...

Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy

Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.

Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

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