My thermos flask keeps my hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold

But how does it know?

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

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A man asks his hunter friend to take him on a trip

It's a rather cold and windy day so the man asks his friend: "How do you bear this freezing cold?"
His friend replies: "I just take one of these." and hands him a flask of whiskey.The wind gets stronger and still nothing to shoot in sight, so they help themselves out to a couple of more shots. ...

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A man was stranded alone on a desert island for 10 years

A beautiful woman in a skin-tight wetsuit washes up on shore and walks up to him. She asks, "How long has it been since you had a drink?"

"About ten years," the man says. The woman unzips her wetsuit a little at the neck, pulls out a flask, hands it to the man and he drinks deeply.

"H...

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

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A boy is being bullied in school [very long]

And the bullies call him and his friends "bitches and bastards". When the boy gets home, he asks his parents what "bitches and bastards are". His dad blushes, and says, "Well, they're just ladies and gentlemen".

Later, his parents are talking, and the boy overhears his dad say "condom". "Dad...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

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A priest is sitting in a confessional, sipping from a flask.

He's feeling pretty good, letting the time pass,

when just at the moment he has to pee,

someone walks up to confess, you see.

Well, the priest can't hold it, so he peeks out

and sees the church janitor walking about.

"Tony! Come here," He whispers, "I need a hand.<...

A lifeguard rescues a drowning man

Grateful, the man offers him an award. He reaches in a flask and pours out some goop.

"Thank you but what is this?"

"Your whale cum."

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

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It's Dale's last day as a postman

25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some t...

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his...

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

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On Saturday I bought myself some sensible walking boots, a light weight rucksack, and some waterproofs.

This morning I headed out in the direction of the local national park, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall near the waterfall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I.... Sorry, I'm rambling.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

A man was stranded on deserted island..

..for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl u...

(Long) A thirsty man got himself lost in the desert...

and was searching for water. After countless hours searching and hoping, he came upon a well with a big opening.
He peered inside... squinted... but couldn't see a thing down there.
He looked around and found a small pebble and tossed it in. He then listened closely for any sign of a splash or...

An Arab is lost in the desert, dying of thirst

As his eyesight begins to fade and he collapses into the ground, his fingers come across a stoppered flask in the sand. Hoping for water, he pops it open, only to see a swirl of smoke issued forth, coalescing into a giant figure.

"My deliverer!" booms the figure. "I am a long imprisoned Djinn...

Did You Hear About The Genie...

Did you hear about the genie who lived in a flask of bitter water?


He was a Djinn in tonic.

THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

Banana juice

My Slovak girlfriend told me this today. I think it's an old one where she come from:

A farmer is riding his horse and cart through his village while carrying a large metal flask. A policeman sees this and stops him. "What's in the flask?" he asks suspiciously. "Is it alcohol? You know it's f...

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At the sex shop.

A young lad starts his new job in the local sex shop. After a few days his boss has to go on an errand and will be back shortly. So he leaves the young lad to watch the shop. After a little while, a black woman walks in and asks for the price of the dildoes. The young lad replies "£40".

"I'll...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The...

David Beckham is out shopping one day.. (Old)

He spots a tall, cylindrical silver thing. He asks a shop assistant what it is; "It's a Thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" replies the assistant.

So David buys it. On arriving home, Victoria asks what he's
got there. "It's a Thermos flask, keeps 'ot fings 'ot an...

A police officer stops the local priest...

The police officer sees a car swerving to and fro, driving like an absolute madman, so of course, he stops the car. To his surprise, he finds who else but father Duffy at the wheel.
"Father Duffy, have you been drinking tonight?"
"Oh no, not a thing"
"Well I'm going to need you to take the ...

Paddy the Bear

Paddy is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant "What's that thing there?"

"Its a thermos flask" says the assistant.

"What does it do?" Paddy asks.

"It keeps hot things hot and cold t...

An Englishman And An Irishman

*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*

An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being parti...

A man goes to the doctor

A man, having troble getting his wife pregnant, goes to the doctor. The doctor, after hearing him, gives him a flask to deposit a small amount of sperm for testing, so that he could find out what was wrong. Two days days later the man returns, but the flask is still empty.
“What happened?” asked ...

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be..

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones.
Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns.
The man asked the florist ...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a s...

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A doctor and a lawyer collide in traffic

During the afternoon commute, a doctor and a lawyer collide, and go hurtling off the road into the ditch. Both emerge unhurt but badly shaken up.
The lawyer says, "Are you okay?"
The badly rattled doctor replies, "Yes, I think so. I'm a doctor & I can tell nothing's broken."
The l...

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A dad and his son go fishing

The dad pulls out a flask and starts to drink. "Can I have some?" Says his son. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Replied the dad "no" the son said, sadly "then you can't have any whiskey" the dad then pulls out a pack of cigarettes. "Can I have one?" The son said again "can you dick touch your as...

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A boy and his grandfather are fishing

The grandfather pulls out a flask and takes a swig. His grandson asks "Can I have a sip?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" replies the old man.
"No" says the boy.
"Then you're too young for whiskey"
A little while passes and the grandfather pulls out a cigarette and lights up.
"...

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.

He clo...

What do you call funny laboratory equipment?

A comical flask.

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Fishing with granddad.

An old Irish granddad takes his little grandson fishing one day. While sitting in the boat for almost an hour, the granddad pulls out a flask of whiskey. Hey takes a few sips then proceeds to put it back into his jacket pocket. As he motions to put the flask away, the little grandson asks,
...

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Does your penis touch your butt?

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk one day. While walking, the grandfather takes out a flask from his pocket and started drinking. "Can I have some of that?", the grandson asked. "Does your penis touch your butt?", replied that grandfather. "No.", said the grandson. "Then you can't have an...

Wayne Rooney walks into a shop

He sees a shiny silver thermos flask that he has never seen before, so he finds a shop assistant and asks him, "what is this used for?" the shop assistant replies, "it is used to keep hot things hot and cold things cold". Wayne Rooney buys it and takes it to training the next day. Alex Ferguson sees...

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

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