How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

The end of Infinity War was a real shock for people, I know.

I was more surprised by the end of *Detective Pikachu* when everyone turned into Ash.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

It really shocks people

When they find out I am not a very good electrician.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.

Doctor: “I’m afraid that it was a severe allergy that led to you suffering an anaphylactic shock.”

Patient: “Enough medical mumbo-jumbo doc. Just give it to me in a nutshell.”

Husband Gets A Shock When His Wife Tells Him This On Her Birthday. This Is Gold

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed.
watching his wife. who was looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be eight again'. she replied. still looking
in the mirror.
On the morning of her ...

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom?

Because number two shocked him.

What happens when your computer shocks you?

It mega-hurts.

The punchline to this clickbait joke may shock you...

Exposed electrical wiring.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I'm so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I re...

Don't be a glass plate that breaks from the first shock

Be a pressure cooker, the fire is under you and the heat inside you while you are whistling and don't even care!

I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed...

... Number 14 shocked me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

The postwoman got a bit of a shock when I opened the door naked.

She screamed "How did you know where I live?"

What happens when a child shocks his/her parents?

They ground him/her!

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

Shock me once, shame on you.

Shock me twice, that's just revolting.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

I got an electric shock yesterday.

I couldn't resist it

I'm still in a state of total shock

I mean the Cubs won the World Series

Scientists have finally released a list of ten MOST IMPORTANT things a human must have in order to live long. NUMBER 7 WILL DEFINITELY SHOCK YOU!!!

1. protection from elements
2. air
3. water
4. food
5. cloth
6. communication
7. electricity
8. cats
9. feels
10. dank memes

These five euphemisms for defecation will shock you!

I can't believe #2

Twenty five years... [Long Joke]

Twenty five years. Twenty five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced t...

Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.

The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

pwn'd

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:

"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly ...

Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock?

He was cleared of all charges.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

A man walks into a bar with his dog and sees another man sitting with his turtle

The man with the turtle is sitting with piles of cash in front of him.

The man with the dog is curious so he asks, "What's the deal with all the cash?"

The man with the turtle responds, "Well this here turtle is the fastest pet in the state. Ain't nobody else's pet faster than my turt...

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to ...

How many Buzzfeed writers would use a taser on you?

We asked 20 of them, and number seven may shock you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

Joe goes to the doctor

Joe goes to the doctor and the doctor says:"Joe, I have some bad news for you and some very bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Joe says:"Just give me the bad news first."
The doctor says:"Joe, you only have 24 hours left to live."
After the initial shock, Joe mumbles:"24 hours left....

One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond.

He hasn’t been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond. He is shocked to find a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.

&#x200B;

“Hey, what’s going on here?” he shouts, alerting the women who were standing ...

What did the bad shock tell the good shock?

I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.

After a burglary a store owner calls the police

After a burglary a store owner calls the police. After they arrive one officer takes the owner aside to ask about what happened:

"How tall was the perp'", the officer asked.
"He was about six foot", the owner replied.

"Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well, he di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mortician and a plumber

A mortician goes to work and his assistant lets him know that a body came in during the night. He and the assistant walk into the back and the assistant pulls back the sheet.

To his shock, the deceased is Steve the plumber - a popular, well-liked guy who couldn't have been older than 35.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach

Miraculously, her and all 3 babies survived. She had 2 girls and 1 boy.

Years later one of the girls runs up to her mother in shock. "Mom mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"

Shocked, the woman explains the story of what happened while she was pregnant.

The next day, the ot...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The $10 dog

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting ...

A cake walked into a bar...

It was gonna try to find it's owner because it was celebrating his 50th birthday.

But when the people saw the cake they were very puzzled. What is this thing? (Seeing very well that it had legs and arms)

The cake replied, "I am a cake looking for someone named- ooh I don't remember b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So he could lick her candy

Jack got a shock

And a mouthful of cock

Because Jill's real name was Randy

A man waddles into the doctor’s office with his body all swollen...

The doctor asks: “Oh my god what happened?”

The man replies: “I’m not too sure”

After a thorough examination the doctor hands him a box of medicine

The doctor then says: “put one of these up your rear passageway every day, come back in a week”

The man thanks him and leave...

Copied joke

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective s...

A duck walks into a bar, jumps on the stool and asks for a beer and a sandwich

The bartender is shocked.
You are a duck says the bartender. Yes replies the duck. You talk! Says the bartender. Yes! Says the duck and how about that beer and sandwich he says. The bartender still in shock brings him his sandwich and beer. The duck drinks his beer and finishes his sandwich and l...

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is telling a bartender about the craziest day of his life.

“It was unreal,” the man recalls. “I’m on this horse that’s galloping at top speed. On the right side of me is this elephant going as fast as the horse. Right in front of us is another horse going just fast enough so we don’t hit him, and about ten feet behind us is a lion giving chase. He could cat...

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who was a renowned sex therapist...

He traveled around the world giving seminars on sex of all kinds and on how to improve a couple's intimate side of the relationship.

At one particular seminar he opened, like usual, by stating that he knew so much about sex and people that he could tell you how often you had sex just by the ...

The unfaithful wife

A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfai...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding.

He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.”

During his ride around the villa...

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A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:

&#x200B;

'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'

&#x200B;

Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'

&#x200B...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids click-bait..

Her answer may shock you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big time mafia boss gets out of prison much earlier than expected...

The first thing he does is he gets back in touch with his trusted lawyer.


He says to the lawyer "Remember when I stashed away all that money in floorboards of Luigi's Pizza place?, let's go pay our old pal a visit and make a withdrawal, I wanna move the load someplace else"

<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man from New Zealand was showing his friend from Australia the countryside

After a couple of hours of driving they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, the Kiwi man being the sheepshagger he is gets to work and quickly finishes.
The Aussie overcomes his shock and laughs to the Kiwi

“Hah, mind if I have a go mate?”

“Yeah man go hard” resp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reigniting the flame

A couple in their 80s is sitting around enjoying another quiet Friday night. The gentleman had lost interest in sex many years ago, but his loving wife still attempts to reignite their flame from time to time. She has an idea that just might work. She just needs to add some shock value. So she g...

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

A teenage boy asks his crush out to prom...

She agrees and he says he is going to make it the best night of her life. He doesn't want to let her down so he goes to buy a super nice suit, but the line at the suit store is massive. He groans and reluctantly waits in line for hours before finally getting his suit.

&#x200B;

Nex...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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