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Leftover Jokes

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The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

I'm not eating leftover thanksgiving food this year.

I'm quitting cold turkey.

Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey

I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food.

I've gained 10 pounds

The waitress asked me if I wanted a box for our leftovers.

I said no but I’ll wrestle you for it.

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

I informed my Mexican friend that I had eaten their leftover cheese.

They replied, "K, so?"

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

In the past, I've tried to slowly wean myself off of my unhealthy habit of eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers, but it never works.

This year I'm going to quit cold turkey.

What do Spanish people call leftover beef?

Reincarne

A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant

The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there and finishing every dish they ordered.


One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for ...

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers

So I was able to quit cold turkey

Someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine

I'm confused... What is leftover wine??

Where do Klingons store their leftovers?

Zip'loc!

Why do people put leftover food in Tupperware?

Because they want to throw it out, but just not for a few days.

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

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I emptied a bottle of leftover hair-dye down the toilet.

Shit got dark pretty fast.

If someone gives you their leftover ham....

Would that be a hammy-down?

“Hey honey, how much of that Indian flatbread is there leftover?”

Naan.

My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are

The relatives who don't leave until Monday.

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[NSFW] Anal virginity reminds me of leftover pasta

squishy and delicious, but soon forgotten

I’m part of a local community group, and recently people have been asking for leftover moving boxes

Each time I want to say the boxes that hold still are more practical

What do you call leftover French cuisine?

Deja food

Leftovers are good

Until they're not

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

I was planning on taking leftovers home from the party.

All my plans were foiled

I destroyed a bag of leftover Chinese food

It was an act of won ton destruction.

When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

What do you call the smell of leftover Mexican food in your car?

A Texas air freshener.

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I had a plan to wrap up my leftovers from the restaurant in a sturdy to-go box...

...then the waitress came by and foiled the whole thing.

I found one of the leftover cookies crying

He was sad because his mom has been a wafer a long time

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How to cook leftovers

Ingredients:

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
5 eggs
2 cups cake flour

STEP ONE- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.

STEP TWO- Place the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl after greasing the cake pan and beat them ...

I found some leftover candy canes from last year that were still in their packaging.

They were in mint condition.

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The other day I was scraping leftovers into the garbage...

...and I couldn't help but think of those poor kids in Africa who don't have any garbage bins.

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I was watching a cooking show.

The host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings...


What the fuck is leftover beer?

Super Serious Tax Question

How long do leftovers have to be in your fridge before you can claim them as dependants?

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

The pressure of a gas is inversely proportional to its volume—Boyle’s Law.

Any leftover cabbage must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

—-Cole’s Law.

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

Ok, this isn't a great joke, but...

So a boy has been getting dropped off at his grandpa's house after school because of his parents' work schedule. The grandpa makes the boy dinner everyday and at one point the boy notices some crust on the plate.

He asks his grandpa "Why is there crust on my plate?" To which grandpa replies "...

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

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Tax office sent an inspector.....

....to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and ...

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The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

what's a morticians wife and pizza have in common?

Cold leftovers

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Yo mama so fat..

I ate her ass and had leftovers for a week.

Reddit is like a Refrigerator

I keep opening it hoping for something good, but it is just leftovers I don't want.

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

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A Jewish woman is talking to her doctor after giving birth.

"We have a strange situation here," the doctor states. "Your son was born without eyelids. But there's an experimental procedure we can try. After the circumcision, we can take the leftover skin, and make him a new set of eyelids."

"Won't that make him cockeyed?"

"Sure, but think of th...

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Did you hear about the little boy born with no eyelids?

After they circumcised him the attached the leftover foreskin to his eyes and made new eyelids.

The doctors said he would be alright..

..just a little cock-eyed.

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

The Donner Party had to eat so many people because they didn't have Jesus

If Jesus had been with the Donner Party the first person to die would have filled the entire party with twelve baskets of leftovers!

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

Family at a restaurant after the meal

The kids left food on their plates so dad asked the waiter if they could take the leftovers for their dog. The kids: “Hooray! We are getting a dog!”

My wife and I were walking out of a restaurant with a doggie bag, when we saw a young teen in shabby clothes sitting on the sidewalk

He asked if he could have our leftovers, so I gladly gave them to him.

I asked him if he was an orphan.

He said "Yes I am - what gave me away?"

I replied "Obviously, your parents."

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

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A kid is born without eyelids...

... the Drs suggest using the leftover foreskin from his circumcision to replace them. Everything turned out fine... but the kid is just a little cockeyed

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

A man has two jobs.

He is a mathematician and baker,
one day he has leftover food from the bakery he brings home.
He sees a hungry homeless person and the baker asked, " Do you want Σ π.

Wrapped

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the ki...

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

I just moved into a new apartment

I asked a neighbour in the same apartment building, “Bro, you live directly above me & you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?” “I got 18 rolls,” answered my neighbour.

Two months later, I met this neighbour of mine again and...

Why God created the man in the form he is?

When God created the donkey and told him:

\- You're gonna be working all day long and you'll carry the heaviest loads on your back. You'll eat grass and you won't be so smart. You'll live 50 years.

Then the donkey said:

\- 50 years of the kind of life and suffering is a lot. Giv...

My dad is so right wing...

he won't even have leftovers!

-I'll let myself out.

My family held an intervention for me today...

They say I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I said I can quit cold Turkey whenever I want

What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?

I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

Three boys are complaining about their fathers...

Boy 1: My father is stingy! On my birthday, he only prepared three types of food!

Boy 2: My father is stingier. He only prepared two types of food for my birthday.

Boy 3: Your fathers are big spenders compared to mine. My father made sure I have five types of food for my birthday.
<...

What runs around a soccer field but never moves?

A fence.

Credit: Leftover Laffy Taffy from Halloween. #157 Julie D., Boise, ID

I couldn't be with a guy called stew..

I don't like people's leftovers.

A joke my dad told me. With my twist.

A Jewish circumcision doctor once had a jar full of the skin he had circumcised over the last few hours. He went to a new leatherworker he had heard about that could use the leftover skin. So the Jewish doctor thought he would try and reuse, reduce, and recycle.

The doctor met with the leathe...

How do you catch an elephant?

First you have to dig a pit deep enough to hold the elephant.

Then you have a huge bonfire and dump all of the leftover soot into that hole.

Next you place a ring of peas around the entire pit.

Now; you wait.

When an elephant comes by and stops to take a pea, you kick ...

A Penguin Farmer Breaks Down

A penguin farmer breaks down on his way to take his penguins to the zoo. A man stops and asks if the farmer needs help. “Yes” he exclaims and offers the man some money to take his penguins to the zoo. The man agrees, hitches the trailer up to his truck, and takes the penguins into town. After about ...

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An IRS auditor visits a synagogue...

...and requests that the rabbi answer a few questions.

"You guys sure burn a lot of candles here. What do with all the leftover wax?" asks the auditor.

"Well, we try to be environmentally friendly, so we send it back to the candle factory, and they send us back new candles," answers t...

A man is driving down the motor way in the fast lane with a trailer full of monkeys

he notices his friends jeep in the adjacent lane. He slows down and ushers his friend to pull down the window.

"John I'm in a massive rush, if I give you $50 could you bring these monkeys to the zoo?"

"No problem" replies John

About 4 hours later, the man drives the o...

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A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life. When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

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A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

Three Guys are Sitting on a Bridge...

After a long day of work, all three of them decide to pop open their lunchboxes and chow down.

Guy 1: "PB&J Again? I swear I'm gonna jump right off this bridge if I ever have to eat this again"

Guy 2: "Ugh Leftover Tuna-fish, if I so much as smell it again I'm gonna jump right off ...

I’m left-handed... (Seinfeld joke)

Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things: Two left feet, left-handed compliments, 'What are we having for dinner?' 'Leftovers.' You go to a party, there’s nobody there. 'Where did everyone go?' 'They left.'

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The Circle Of Life

Two cowboys, Bill and Joe, are riding their horses through the prairie. Joe says "Bill, what happens when we die?" Bill says "Well Joe, do you know about the circle of life?" "I recon I don't" says Joe. "Let me tell you." Says bill. "So say an Indian rides by right now and shoots an arrow through yo...

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

What do you call a Chinese dog with three legs?

Leftovers.

My wife and her boss won the lottery..

Me: Honey I see you got a new gucci bag, where'd you get it?

Wife: My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings

*next day wife comes home with new ring

Me: that's a great new ring you have on today. Where did you get this...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

Hiker got lost in mountains

This is tranaslation of old joke from my country :

Hiker got lost in mountains. At evening, after whole day of walking, exhausted and hungry, he finds old sheep shepherd sitting in front of his hut. With his last strength, hiker ask"s old shepherd:

"Good man, I got lost in mountains a...

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