My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

I had five tins of Alphabet soup for dinner last night.

This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ways to murder English

The following below are ways people kill English daily...

1. Don't dare talk in front of my back.

2. Stop making noise like empty sardine tins of milk.

3. Take 5cm wire of my length.

4. All of you stand in a straight circle.

5. Be quiet, the principal is just passi...

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

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