Jolt Jokes - 33 Hilarious Jolt Jokes

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

A police officer sees a man driving erratically down a busy road.

He watches as a driving dangerous weaves through traffic in a zig zag formation, narrowly avoiding busy traffic.

The police officer flags him down and walks up to the driver's window. He sees the other male passenger bent over the driver and then jolt back into the seat in shock. The male dri...

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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender responds, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

The bear rears back a little and growls, "I don't care. I'm a bear and I want a beer."

The bartender calmly replies, "I'm sorry, but as I said, we don't serve bears beer ...

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What do nitroglycerin and my penis have in common?

The slightest jolt, impact or friction can result in spontaneous detonation.

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.

"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"

"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

The pirate and the parrot

This Pirate, his parrot and his crew were rowing up on a ship they’re gonna try and board in the dead of night.
The Pirate whispers out in’a gravely voice, row you dirty b***tards.
A few seconds later the parrot whispers, row you dirty b***tards.

The Pirate whispers out, feel the f***in...

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My wife is in a coma

So my wife was in a coma for months with no end in sight. I’m talking about alternatives with the doctor and he says there is one unconventional method that I’ve seen work. So I said I’d try anything. He said you have to perform oral sex on her. It could jolt the system.

I said by god. Well…...

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...

The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."

The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!...

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"...

A passenger airplane is flying over the ocean

When all of a sudden the plane experiences a violent jolt. The captain comes over the speaker and says "We have experienced engine failure, and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. The plane is going down."

While the passengers are contemplating certain death, a woman stands up, rips o...

A couple were living together after five years of being together

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. ...

A Holy Car

A priest decides he’s fed up with his old car. So he goes to a dealership and finds a salesman.

The salesman notices the cross around the priest’s neck and asks,
“Are you, by chance, a man of God, sir?”.

The priest proudly says
“Why yes I am!”.

“Well then,” says the s...

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A black guy, a jew and a white guy are on a plane.

The plane starts jolting up and down. It starts slowly falling towards the ground. The pilot tells the passengers to throw something off the plane that they have too much of.

Hearing this, black guy throws half his penis.

Seeing what the first guy did, the jew throws the tip of his no...

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

A farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife are traveling in their one-horse wagon down the road.

The horse falters and causes the wagon to jolt. The farmer says, "That's one."

The horse falters again and the farmer says, "That's two."

The horse falters a third time and the farmer stops the wagon, ge...

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One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

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The man who turned into a chicken

John went to bed, kissed his wife goodnight and closed his eyes to sleep.
He suddenly woke up with a jolt and saw an elderly bearded man dressed in a cowl standing next to the bed.
"Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?", John said.
-"You're not in your bedroom", the m...

A brunette, a redhead head, and a blonde are running from the cops...

The girls quickly turn a corner and see three empty barrels, so they each jump into a different one.

Once the cops turn the corner, they see the barrels and they are suspicious about them so they kick the one with the brunette in it.

"Woof! Woof!" says the brunette.
"Just a dog i...

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

A Dad finds out his Son has a new girlfriend...

He calls his Son upstairs to his bedroom and asks him to sit down.
The father says, in a very steady tone,

"Son, let me tell you a story.
There was once a dog who used to live at a train station. One day, the dog fell asleep by the railroad tracks and left his tail on one of the tracks...

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(Racist) So this Bus is travelling down a countryside highway full of passengers....

Most of the passengers are tired and fast asleep. Suddenly they are awakened by a big jolt and they find that the bus has come off the highway and is now driving through the fields. All the passengers hold on for dear life as the bus is just bouncing its way through the fields. Eventually the bus do...

Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!<...

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Heard this on the radio... told many times, but probably my favorite joke.

One morning before daybreak, Little Johnny scatters out onto the front porch with a handful of duck tape. He's stopped by his grandfather, who rests comfortably on an old rocking chair... his usual morning leisure. The grandfather notices the duck tape...

 

"Whatcha doin' wit...

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A tired man decides he needs to get away from it all

He quits his job, packs up his belongings, and flees to a remote region of Siberia.

After days of hiking through the cold, he stumbles upon a small tribe entirely comprised of men.

“A visitor has found our humble community!” the tribe’s leader announces. “Come, join us brother!” The wh...

2 Jokes

Joke 1: A man is driving alongside a cliff leading down into the ocean. He's a delivery man for Dunkin' donuts, so his truck is filled with boxes of donuts of every kind. Glazed, old-fashioned, even apple fritters, you name it, he has it in his truck. Now this man is in a hurry, and he's driving pre...

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So Adam and Sarah partyed all night....

And in the morning, it was saturday and they had to go to sunday school.
Adam was wide awake but sarah was still hella tired.
They get there and Sarah immediately fell asleep as soon as the priest started talking. He eventually decided to give a pop quiz. He asked the first question.
"Wh...

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the ...

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A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.

He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.

First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful roo...

One big happy family.

My wife and I got married last summer, we were together since we were teens, she was the only person that wanted to be with me, and she was the only one I wanted to be with, other than my best friend ofcource , he’s the only other one I’d spend my time with, and it helped that my friend and my then ...

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