The 42+ Best Jared Jokes

Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

how big is Jared fogel's sex drive?

bout 5.6TB

What does Jared Leto say when he is on drugs?

It's Morphine time!

Who's rooting for the Bengals to win the superbowl more than anyone?

Jared Goff.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle?

Alien vs Predator.

I had a good joke involving Jared Fogle, Roman Polanski, and Jimmy Saville walking into a bar

But it occurred to me that they wouldn't be somewhere where there wouldn't be minors.

A burglar breaks into a joint

While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"

Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:

"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly ...

Why was the CEO of Subway distraught when his teenage daughter walked around with a brand new pearl necklace?

She went to Jared's

How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

How did Trump propose to Putin?

He went to Jared.

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

Jared from subway was sentenced by the judge for 16 years in prison.

But he didn’t care, you know why

Because he was ok with anything under 18

Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

Why doesn’t trump like Jared Kushner

He married the love of his life...

After viewing the disappointing post-debate polls, Trump asked Kushner how to do better in the following debate.

Jared said,"be positive, spread your positivity, and after all is said and done, try to come across as a patient person"

This Ain't Subway

When did Jared realize he was no longer a spokesperson for Subway?....... When he was asked if he wanted the 6 inch or the foot long

When will the Jared jokes stop?

When they get too old.

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

I just heard an old man tell this joke on live radio...

- Knock, Knock

- Who's there?

- Little Boy Blew

- Little Boy Blue, who?

- Jared, from Subway, that's who

Joaquin as Joker: All I have are negative thoughts

Jared as Joker: All I have are negative reviews

Why does Jared Fogle like all the jokes about him?

Because they are about five years old at this point.

What did Jared from Subway get in his court sentence?

Free foot-longs for life.

Jared likes his women like he likes his sandwiches

6 and 12

From the mouth of my 12 year old son...

Did you know Jared is in prison for trying to get into smaller pants?

What do Jared Fogel, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

Their favorite piece of classical music is Chopin’s Waltz in A minor.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

Jared from Subway didn't violin kids.

Did you hear about the guy who bought a ring for his under age fiancé?

Apparently he went to Jared's.

When Chumlee gets out of prison he should do a show with Jared from Subway. They should call it...

Child Pawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Donald Trump convinced Jared Kushner is a genius?

He figured out how to fuck Ivanka.

(This was a series of comments on another thread that made me laugh so I thought everyone should hear it, but I can't remember the usernames so announce yourselves if you see this friends)

I'm Gonna Bust An Aldi

Me: Hey Jared, do you want to go to Aldi's?

Jared: I prefer Subway and their 5 Dollar Footlongs

Me: I thought you were more of an Aldi's guy

Jared: Why's that?

Me: Thought you would enjoy Aldi's Nuts.

Subway is really upset about allegations concerning the meat in their subs...

They haven't been this worried about meat between buns since Jared was sentenced.

What's the difference between Elon Musk and Jared the Subway guy?

Elon wanted to put Thai boys into small objects, Jared wanted to put small objects into Thai boys.

What’s that musical called where Jared Fogle got really high?

Oh, that’s right - Diddler on the Roof.

Fun Fact: Jared Fogle was a Mormon

I heard he graduated top of his class at Bring Em Young University

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. President and Jared Kushner visit Putin

Mr. President and Jared are visiting Putin for some campaign strategy. They have a nice chat over coffee, but both Trump and Jared have hard time concentrating as they are mesmerized by their host's beautiful sterling spoons. Jared manages to slip one of the spoons into his pocket, which makes Trump...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do pedophiles get the wedding rings?

They go to Jared.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the jeweler's son sexually molested?

He went to Jared's.

Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day

- Jared Fogle

What's Jared Fogle's favorite weather?

El nino.

Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?

He thought they had delivery service.

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