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Seller Jokes

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

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A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Treadmill sellers are stiff competitors.

They give you a run for your money.

A guy walks in a small town grocery store

He proceeds to ask the seller:

"Do you have camembert cheese?"

To which the seller asks:

"What is camembert cheese? Never heard of it before."

Arrogantly, our guy says:

"Well, it's a soft cheese with white mould on top, it's a delicacy."

Seller ponders a bit...

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:

\- Why are you doing this?

\- I'm looking for an obituary.

\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...

\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.

Seller: 500$ for this parrot

Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot...

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Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a pro...

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

Where does a Marijuana Seller put his profits?

In a Joint account

ICE-CREAM sellers.....

Make your job sound more important by telling people that you're a 'Walls Treat Trader'!

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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

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One day, a good-looking door-to-door seller knocks on the old lady's house and is offering the "world's best" vacuum cleaner...

He runs into the middle of the living room and bursts a cow dung on the floor.

"Madam", he says, "I swear to god, if I won't be able to clean the shit out of the carpet in 2 minutes, I will personally eat it".

The lady just smiles: "I hope you are hungry. The power is out since morni...

Once a monk went to a sandwich seller and said,

"Make me one with all."

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

Have you read the best seller about an immortal dog?

You can't put it down...

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

A dude wanted some weed for a kickback. The seller asked him, “how much”

He responded, “for twenty”

From Dario Argento’s Deep Red: Why do Australian boomerang sellers always go bankrupt?

Because their goods are always returned!

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An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up." r/pissing

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

Guy walks into a watch store

A guy walks in front of a watch store in a Jewish neighborhood, then he notices a watch on display that he likes, so he decides to go in and buy it.



Client: Hi, I noticed a watch outside in your storefront that I'd like to buy right now.

Seller: Sorry Sir, we don't sell any wat...

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Warning to all men about eBay.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to

check out the seller carefully.

I just spent £95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

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Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

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Joke I heard in middle school [1990] and is still funny

A man gets sick of the rat race and decides to retire to farming. Goes to farmer's market to buy livestock. Goes to buy a hen. Seller says, 'Here ya go but here in the country, we call that a poullette (pullit). Man says, 'Okay.'

Man Goes to buy a rooster. Seller says, 'Here in the country...

My brother is the worst seller ever. He was trying to sell me a Vacuum Cleaner

but the only thing that he kept saying was "it sucks".

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A robber enters a liqour store holding a gun in his hand

He points his gun to the seller and yells: "quick, fill this bag with the money from the cash register and the most expensive beverages you have".

Seller: "sorry. I can't do that. You doesn't seem 21".

Robber: "the fuck??! Do you want to die old man?? Do exactly as I say!!".

Se...

A priest wants to buy a horse

He goes to the horse seller and asks him if he has a good horse for him. The horse seller says:“Yes, I have the perfect horse for you, it starts moving when you say ‚Thank God‘ and stops when you say ‚Amen‘“
So the priest decides to buy the horse and takes it for a ride. He says:“Thank God!“, and...

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "...

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A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

A woman went to buy a new bed

She asks the seller that the bed is too low. Wondered the seller asked her “what do you mean is too low?”

She immediately got undressed and hop onto the bed. Then, she asked him to do the same. The seller guy stunned by what she did, he did the same, got undressed and hop on top of her.
...

Buyer : **Orders mixtapes from a store on Monday**

Seller: Come pick these up to on Friday, they will be ready by then.
Buyer: ok see ya then!
Friday rolls around
Buyer: **walks into store to the front desk** So are the mixtapes ready yet?
Seller : yup here you go **hands over a box full of them**
Buyer: Than- Wait these are not the...

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

The genie

A man once put his 200k£ Lamborghini for sale. Few days later he got an offer from a guy and they decided to meet.
The two guys met. And the buyer offered him his junk car that costs around 500£ in exchange for the Lamborghini.
"Have you gone mad? This car costs 200k and your whole car can't e...

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A woman is looking around in a flea market.

A bearded man calls out to her, pointing out to a pair of sandals. "You look like the kind of woman who is sexually deprived, no?"

The woman, thinking about how long it had been since her husband made love to her, nodded. The man took her to a room behind his stall and said, "I give you trial...

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

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A young man wants to be a farmer.

He is walking around looking to start his farm. He comes across someone selling roosters. "Excuse me sir, can I purchase one of your roosters?" "Of course!" Replied the seller, "but to let you know, around these parts we call them by their formal name, a cock". The young man buys his rooster, ho...

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

&nbsp;

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

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The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".

He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" ...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surpr...

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A guy from the city decides to move to the country and take up farming

He goes to his first livestock auction and wins a bid on a male and female chicken. The seller says "You just moved from the city, right? If you want to fit in around here, you can't call these 'chickens'. This one is a cock, and this one is a pullet. By the way, if you want, I can sell you an ass -...

A drunk man walks into a music store...

...and slurs: "I want to buy the trumpet and the accordion there".
The seller replies: "Sorry, I'm not selling those".

The drunk man starts grunting and leaves the store.
The next day he comes back and says: I want to buy the instruments there!
The seller reacts annoyed: Not. for. sa...

A man moves in an old apartment

He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.

He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.

...

Apple built a football stadium...

When a fan goes to buy a ticket...

Fan: How much for a seat and a part of the safe standing area access?

Ticket seller: that will be $600

Fan: What about just the stand?

Ticket seller: that will be $1,000

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Not your average dick joke

What does the Pink Panther and a male prostitute have in common?

They’re both Peter Sellers.

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A Woman walks into a sex shop to buy a dildo

"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.


The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."


She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another on...

I want to write a book on Humility

I am sure it will be a best seller

A priest is buying a used lawnwoer

\*lawnmower

He inspects it and asks owner how does it start. "Very simple, you pull the cord and if it doesn't start right away keep pulling and start swearing." The priest is shocked. "I'm a man of the cloth. I may have sworn when I was younger but by now I've forgotten how." "Oh don't worr...

Did you hear the one about the Stockbroker who got a job at the GAP?

He’s a shorts-seller

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

A Man goes to a coffeeshop in Paris

He can’t decide what to order, so he asks the waiter about some suggestions. Waiter recommends cappuccino.

He thinks for a while, than says, “Nah, I think I’ll go with the espresso.”

“Are you sure? Our cappuccino is exceptional.“ says waiter.

“No, I think I’d like espresso.”...

A man is going to a party with his girlfriend

and decides to buy some condoms. He tells the seller that he's hoping to get lucky at the party. Then he buys another and says to the seller, "Her mom's pretty hot too, might as well hope for the best."

Later, at the party, the man is very quiet. At the end, his girlfriend asks him, "Why have...

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

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Man goes to buy a house.

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like everything he coud want. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "o...

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I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

As my parachute failed and I was falling, I realized why.

The seller said no strings attached.

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A man opens up a ice cream shop....

But he only has two flavors since he just opened. Strawberry and vanilla. His first customer walks in and orders chocalate. The seller says I'm sorry sir I only have strawberry and vanilla. The man says well ok ill have chocalate. The seller once again says I don't have chocolate. This goes on for a...

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

A wise man is walking through a market with a bag of gold.

As he passes the various sellers, a merchant quickly lights some incense and a beautiful aroma fills the air. “It’s frankincense,” the merchant says. “The best in the land.”

The wise man gets some and is about to leave when the merchant calls out, “But wait ... there’s myrrh!”

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"The first time I had sex was on my antique coffee table."

"How old?"

"150 years, according to the seller."

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.

The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
...

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.

While paying for the stallion, the seller rem...

A man was browsing Craigslist one day...

...when he comes across this insane deal. A good-as-new Porsche, for 20 bucks. "It's a prank," he thinks. "Like that Hooters girl and the Toyota/'toy Yoda' thing." Still, he's not really in need of $20, so he decides to be a good sport and humor the seller.

He drives out to the address in the...

An Annoying Customer

There was a guy who for a living sells coffee and there is this one particular customer who always likes to humiliate him. He did this by ordering a $2.50 coffee with 10 cent coins and in doing so he throws the coins all over the counter, leaving the poor seller to pick up all the coins.

But ...

A boy was at a lemonade stand.

He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”

“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.

“Is he smart?”

“My dog is very smart.”

“Is he loyal?”

“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

A man went to a petstore

There he saw a parrot. The seller saw him looking and told him,

"That parrot can learn to say anything."

The man thought that sounded cool, so he bought the parrot. He went home and said to the parrot,

"I can talk"

"I can talk," the parrot repeated.

"I can walk"...

I saw a girl and I wrote my number on a dollar.

I went to her and I dropped the dollar then I said: "Sorry to bother you, but this dropped from you."
But the stupid girl went and bought a sandwich with the dollar.
The problem is not here, but the problem is that the sandwich seller is texting me till midnight saying: "Did you love the san...

Richard Gere stars in American Gigolo.

...maybe it would be more appropriate if it starred Peter Sellers instead?

Apples From Chernobyl

A man goes to a farmer’s market and sees apples and a sign that says “Apples from Chernobyl”.

The man says “What are you crazy? Who would buy apples from Chernobyl?” and the seller says “You’d be surprised. Popular present for mothers-in-law, the boss....”

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Why are prostitutes so cheap?

Because, they are hole-sellers!

A guy buys a pack of cigarettes

He reads a warning on the pack "smoking causes erectile dysfunction" he rushes back to the seller and says "hey, give me the ones that causes cancer"

I just finished writing a book on what it takes to create a global clothing company...

It's an International Vest-Seller

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Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

Probably doesn't translate well into American English but there you go.

My dad told me this joke over twenty years ago. He said he'd heard Peter Sellers tell it on a street corner.

Don't ask me why Peter Sellers was telling jokes on a street corner. Must...

I plan to start a male escort service.

I'm going to call it Peter Sellers.

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Kenny the rooster.

A couple saw an Ad for a rooster named Kenny in the paper for 100.00 and got curious. They called the seller and asked why he was so expensive. He said the rooster will fertilize everything he can get ahold of, and was a sure thing. He even talks occasionally. They went to see him.

When t...

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

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