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Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain but she didn’t speak spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt up & show her thighs to allow the seller to understand.This went on for some time.

One day she wanted to buy sausages, so she made her husband go to the store with her. He then asked for sausages as he spoke spanish.

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

What do you call the aggregation of buyers and sellers of socks?

The sock market

Seller: 500$ for this parrot

Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot...

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

How i made 200k from home during lockdown

So just thought I'd share with you guys my success story, I was made redundant back in March. So there I was 30 years old and not a clue what was going to happen, then out of nowhere I had an opportunity to sell Avon, so there I was 30 years old, male, selling Avon... first month goes by and I make ...

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

A mom tells her son to buy some vegetables

She says to bargain, and try offer the seller half the price

Son: Sir, how much does a bag of vegetable cost?

Seller: 8

Son: I will offer you 4

Seller: What about 6

Son: 3

Seller: Alright, I will sell it for 4

Son: 2

Seller: 3

Son: 1.50<...

Where does a Marijuana Seller put his profits?

In a Joint account

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Kenny the rooster.

A couple saw an Ad for a rooster named Kenny in the paper for 100.00 and got curious. They called the seller and asked why he was so expensive. He said the rooster will fertilize everything he can get ahold of, and was a sure thing. He even talks occasionally. They went to see him.

When t...

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

What do Inspector Clouseau and a gigolo have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

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A young man wants to be a farmer.

He is walking around looking to start his farm. He comes across someone selling roosters. "Excuse me sir, can I purchase one of your roosters?" "Of course!" Replied the seller, "but to let you know, around these parts we call them by their formal name, a cock". The young man buys his rooster, ho...

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

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A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

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Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

From Dario Argento’s Deep Red: Why do Australian boomerang sellers always go bankrupt?

Because their goods are always returned!

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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

Once a monk went to a sandwich seller and said,

"Make me one with all."

A dude wanted some weed for a kickback. The seller asked him, “how much”

He responded, “for twenty”

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There are three guys looking for a job

They come across this toothbrush seller, they ask for a job and end up getting it. Their employer tells them “ok all you guys need to do is walk around town and sell as many toothbrushes as you can, then once the days over you come back to me and tell how many you sold”, so they each get a box of to...

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale

A guy is crossing the street when he comes across a garage sale.

He gets closer and starts taking a look at the items on display when he sees this huge TV.

He walks up to the seller and asks him.

- "Hey how much does that TV cost?"

- "It's only 1 dollar."

- "Only ...

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Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

I went to an unpopular drug seller. He told me I couldn't have any drugs cause he was out of stock.

It wasn't a big deal.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Whatever you do, don't buy anything from eBay seller xx_Anna_xx

My wife bought a crocodile skin handbag from her. When the bag arrived, turned out to be snake skin... Anna conned her.

I want to write a book on Humility

I am sure it will be a best seller

Two men are discussing a business transaction.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

ICE-CREAM sellers.....

Make your job sound more important by telling people that you're a 'Walls Treat Trader'!

I asked the seller on the black market how much a kidney costs

He said it would be worth an arm and a leg

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A farmer buys a rooster for his hens but with a warning from the seller...

A farmer needs to buy a rooster for his hens but the seller warns him that the rooster is unusually amorous and will attempt to copulate with any living creature.

Since the farmer is in dire need after a few foxes have made off with his previous roosters, he takes the risk as part of the bar...

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a pro...

Have you read the best seller about an immortal dog?

You can't put it down...

I just bought a half-price cloak of invisibility.

The seller wanted to charge me full price.

I got it for refraction.

Farming

A city banker gets fed up with his immoral career so sells up and buys a pig farm in Suffolk with his wife.


He moves in and next day goes to buy a few sows and a boar. 'How will I know the sows are pregnant?' he asks the seller.


"Ah, well, the morning after, the sows be lay...

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I was gonna post a joke about me being a shitty seller on eBay

But my delivery has horrible timing.

An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."
r/chubby

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

A man is selling a vacuum cleaner

He met up with a buyer, who asked him if it sucked well.

“Like my wife,” he responded.

Unsure of himself the buyer asked him whether that was a good or bad.

All the seller could say was “How the hell would I know?”

My brother is the worst seller ever. He was trying to sell me a Vacuum Cleaner

but the only thing that he kept saying was "it sucks".

Buyer : **Orders mixtapes from a store on Monday**

Seller: Come pick these up to on Friday, they will be ready by then.
Buyer: ok see ya then!
Friday rolls around
Buyer: **walks into store to the front desk** So are the mixtapes ready yet?
Seller : yup here you go **hands over a box full of them**
Buyer: Than- Wait these are not the...

A drunk man walks into a music store...

...and slurs: "I want to buy the trumpet and the accordion there".
The seller replies: "Sorry, I'm not selling those".

The drunk man starts grunting and leaves the store.
The next day he comes back and says: I want to buy the instruments there!
The seller reacts annoyed: Not. for. sa...

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I heard there was an awesome sale going on going on in this guy’s basement

But when I got to his house, I couldn’t find the seller.

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

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The marketing lesson

This really happened, at least by what I've heard. A guy went to the market and saw a stand selling watermelons with a cardboard reading: "1 melon - 3$, 3 melon - 10$".

He decided to teach the seller a math lesson and bought a melon for 3$. Then he said "you know what, I would like one more" ...

I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch had stopped working.

A man walks down the street and suddenly notices his watch had stopped working.

He looks around looking for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enters the store, to his surprise he does not see a ...

A man went to a black market dealer,

He asks the seller,

"Yo I heard you can get me a glock, can I have one?"

The guy says,

"what have people told you about me?"

He replies "you're a small arms dealer"

*pushed the mutilated child arms back into the van*

"kind of yeah"

A man went to a petstore

There he saw a parrot. The seller saw him looking and told him,

"That parrot can learn to say anything."

The man thought that sounded cool, so he bought the parrot. He went home and said to the parrot,

"I can talk"

"I can talk," the parrot repeated.

"I can walk"...

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

A villager visits a city

He sees two people sitting and having a chat in a wide store that has only a table and a few chairs. He wonders and goes in.

-Hello

-Hi, how can we help?

-I was just wondering... What do you sell here?

The seller wants to have some fun with the villager and replies wit...

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[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

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"The first time I had sex was on my antique coffee table."

"How old?"

"150 years, according to the seller."

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”

“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.

“Is he smart?”

“My dog is very smart.”

“Is he loyal?”

“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

A man was browsing Craigslist one day...

...when he comes across this insane deal. A good-as-new Porsche, for 20 bucks. "It's a prank," he thinks. "Like that Hooters girl and the Toyota/'toy Yoda' thing." Still, he's not really in need of $20, so he decides to be a good sport and humor the seller.

He drives out to the address in the...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surpr...

Apple built a football stadium...

When a fan goes to buy a ticket...

Fan: How much for a seat and a part of the safe standing area access?

Ticket seller: that will be $600

Fan: What about just the stand?

Ticket seller: that will be $1,000

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

&nbsp;

The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

A man walks by a pet shop and sees a cat drinking from an expensive looking, golden bowl

the man wants the bowl but he knows that he can't just steal it, so he walks into the shop with the cat in his hand.

Man: How much do you take for this cat?

Seller: Oh, sorry, it's not for sale.

Man: What about 20 euros?

Seller: Okay, it's yours.

Man: Can I also ha...

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A horny rooster

A farmer wakes up to find his rooster dead in the garden. Desperate that his chickens will no longer lay eggs, he goes to the market in search of another. Upon arrival he sees a a large, heavy built rooster so he asks the seller:

“Oi! How many bucks for that one?”

“5000 dollars!”
...

A woman wants to buy a dog.

She looks up the newspaper and sees an ad for a dog for sale. She visits the house of the seller, who's very friendly, greets her and asks her inside.

"Well, I suppose you want to get to know the dog. He's upstairs."

So the lady goes up, walks into the room and sees the dog, who greets...

A guy in a grocery store notices an old woman staring at him

He walks to her and say can I help you?
the woman says I have lost my son and when I saw you, you reminded me of him.
" please call me mother" the old woman says. the guy feeling for the poor woman calling her mother throughout the shopping.
at the exit the old woman looks back with her ...

Richard Gere stars in American Gigolo.

...maybe it would be more appropriate if it starred Peter Sellers instead?

A boy was at a lemonade stand.

He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".

A man is going to a party with his girlfriend

and decides to buy some condoms. He tells the seller that he's hoping to get lucky at the party. Then he buys another and says to the seller, "Her mom's pretty hot too, might as well hope for the best."

Later, at the party, the man is very quiet. At the end, his girlfriend asks him, "Why have...

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

I saw a girl and I wrote my number on a dollar.

I went to her and I dropped the dollar then I said: "Sorry to bother you, but this dropped from you."
But the stupid girl went and bought a sandwich with the dollar.
The problem is not here, but the problem is that the sandwich seller is texting me till midnight saying: "Did you love the san...

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A Woman walks into a sex shop to buy a dildo

"I want that one.." She points to a massive display of dildos on the wall.


The manager picks up one of the best sellers: "This is one of our popular models. It feels very real."


She points back to the wall & says.."No. I want that one..." So, the manager picks up another on...

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Guy looking for a job

A guy who stutter was looking for a job, he went in to a bookstore and asked for the bookshop owner. 

"Hi! I'm loo, looking for a j, j, job, he said" 

The bookshop owner answered by telling him his not looking for some one to hire at this moment.

The guy said "Please I'm a goo, ...

Apples From Chernobyl

A man goes to a farmer’s market and sees apples and a sign that says “Apples from Chernobyl”.

The man says “What are you crazy? Who would buy apples from Chernobyl?” and the seller says “You’d be surprised. Popular present for mothers-in-law, the boss....”

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Man goes to buy a house

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom th...

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Why are prostitutes so cheap?

Because, they are hole-sellers!

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A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.

The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
...

A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You cant bring a duck in here, sir!"

The man, feeling dissapointed, walks away with his duck.

He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"

So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.

...

Translated Indian Joke

A man is leaving his village for the first time to visit the big city. His fellow villagers don't want him to get ripped off, so they give him some advice - never agree to the seller's price... always ask for half the price.

So the man arrives at the city, and sees an umbrella store. He heads...

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A guy walks into a Pet Shop.

He says he is looking for the best pet, a "companion".
The seller says "I have a parrot, a very smart one, he speaks in English, Spanish and German, and he knows some physics and mechanics"
The client, surprised, asks for the price, the seller says 500 USD.
The client, still hyped for the p...

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Felisberto

One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to th...

A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.

While paying for the stallion, the seller rem...

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "...

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A women goes in a sex shop and asked for the best dildo.

The seller tells her :

- Take this one, the Zizi Voodoo. You just have to say twice "Zizi Voodoo" and a part of your body where you want it to go and it does straight away!
- Ok, awesome. I'll take it.

On her ride back home she decided to try it in her car. She says

- Zizi Vo...

An Annoying Customer

There was a guy who for a living sells coffee and there is this one particular customer who always likes to humiliate him. He did this by ordering a $2.50 coffee with 10 cent coins and in doing so he throws the coins all over the counter, leaving the poor seller to pick up all the coins.

But ...

I plan to start a male escort service.

I'm going to call it Peter Sellers.

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Be careful about what you buy online

If you buy stuff online, please check out the seller very carefully. One of my friends just lost $300 plus taxes on a penis enlarger.

The bastard sent him a magnifying glass and the only instruction came along with was "DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT".

A travelin' salesman...

...stops one night at a lonely, secluded farm, and asks the owners if they can host him for the night. the farmer is really sorry, but he has no free rooms. "I could make you sleep with my daughter" says the farmer, "but you have to promise me not to bother her". The salesman accepts. After a fillin...

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want fo...

A guy buys a pack of cigarettes

He reads a warning on the pack "smoking causes erectile dysfunction" he rushes back to the seller and says "hey, give me the ones that causes cancer"

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The Clown Joke

**Preface** - *I did not write this joke, but it has been my favorite for twenty years and remains the only long joke that I ever bother reciting irl. I hope you enjoy it:).*

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I apologize in advance...

What do you call a consortium of dildo manufacturers?




Peter Sellers

A man wants to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

&nbsp;

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if yo...

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2000 Indian Rupees

It is the month of November a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. De-monetization of 500 and 1000 Rupee notes has been announced and no one has cash.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a ...

I just finished writing a book on what it takes to create a global clothing company...

It's an International Vest-Seller

A woman needs a ticket for a train

It's in the olden days, when traveling across the country meant getting a berth on a sleeper car of a train. She arrives at the station, but finds the train is sold out; there are no empty cars. She is desperate to get a ride, so the ticket seller tells her there is one empty bed, but it is in a dou...

Seven Horse Jokes

Q Why was the young horse confused?

A He wasn't foal-ly aware of what was going on.

Q Why wouldn't that horse want to date the other horse?

A He didn't want to be a-filly-ated with her

Q Why did the horse need cough syrup?

A It caught a colt.

Q What was the ...

A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...

...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.

The brunette bought a train ticket and took their rema...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slightly adapted for translation

A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:

-Do you have rifles?

-No.

-Do you have shotguns?

-No.

-Pistols?

-No.

Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Transfiguration

Someone is wandering in a leather shop looking at wallets and purses. After a while he asks the seller:

"Why this wallet is 5 times more expensive than the others?"

"It made of crocodile's penis's skin. Rub it and it will turn into a suitcase."

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A man wanted to start a farm one day.

He heard about a man a few miles away that was selling his animals and decided it was the perfect opportunity to start his farming dream. So he drove over to the man, and they started strolling along the pens so he could pick what he wanted. They passed by a rooster and the man asked, "What is that ...

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