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Highlight Jokes

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

What did the textbook say to the highlighter?

Mark my words

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Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

I'm going to start collecting highlighters

Mark my words

Some day, I’m going to catch whoever’s been highlighting all of my documents

Mark my words

I want Morgan Freeman to narrate a highlight reel of my life...

But I heard that silent movies don't do too well in today's market.

[Corny] What does a highlighter say when it answers the phone?

Yello?

What’s the Highlight of a Bulimic’s Birthday Party?

When the cake jumps out of the girl!

What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,”

"Mitch Hedberg"

What do you call a Stoner Arsonist?

A Highlighter.

How is it I'm so much more famous a ballerina than I thought?

I get compliments on my routines, my form, my posture... everything. But I find it particularly ridiculous that even when I receive *bills* the companies feel the need to highlight my outstanding balance. Like... come on, you don't even *know* me!

The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front ...

I saw a dolphin kissing a raven.

Didn't expect to see that as the highlight of the NFL game.

Right Click!

My dad, who is trying to learn how to use a computer, calls me to help him apply for a job online. It was one of those online applications where you can fill in the forms or just paste your resume in a box. I'm at work so, in the essence of saving time, I attempt to walk him through pasting his resu...

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

Hear the one about the girl who went to the hair salon?

It was the highlight of her day!

how do you study for a DNA test?

highlight the answers with a genetic marker

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

Lot of good things about having a mum who's a hairdresser. Getting my hair dyed at home, for example.

That's a personal highlight.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

What'd you call a marker that smokes weed?

A highlighter

I videotaped my hair today

I’m going to watch the highlights later

News: A car crashed into a hair salon yesterday afternoon.

Still waiting for the highlights!

What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed?

A highlighter

Edit: Or a Bud Light
Courtesy of u/isnottoast

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of...

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

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Welcome to the eleven 'o clock news

I am your anchor Francis FullOfFrenchPeople. In today's highlights, a group of scientists were hospitalized when a monkey they had been running tests on in a lab got violent and started throwing flaming feces at them They were said to have suffered Turd Debris Burns.

A husband and wife are spending the day at the beach

While they are enjoying the sun a very attractive young woman in a bikini thong walks by, puts down a towel, removes her top, and lays down in front of them. The wife happens to catch her husband making glances at the younger woman and becomes jealous. "Is that what you want? You want me to get a fu...

A night at the symphony

Many years ago there was a Symphony Orchestra conducted by the great Alistair Baldwick. He was one of the most renowned Symphony conductors of all time, and on this special night he was going to conduct a magnificent piece by Bach. It was one of the most difficult pieces for both players and conduct...

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Woman was at the hairdresser

Hairdresser was making small talk, “what’s new?” She says.

The woman replies, “ I am about to go on vacation. I’ve been saving for years and next week I leave .”

“Flying or driving?” Asks the hairdresser.

“I’m flying Jet Blue”.

“Jet Blue? They’re awful. The seats are t...

Once upon a time, two race horses were born...

This is long, but worth it.

Their names were Herman and Berman and they were twins. Herman was born just slightly before Berman. Herman and Berman were colts of average work horses and were to work the fields everyday. One day Herman and Berman decide to have a race. Everyday at noon, the lu...

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