What did the textbook say to the highlighter?

Mark my words

The highlight of my week was my new vacuum cleaner.

Things are picking up.

My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters

Mark my words!!

What happens when a lighter smokes the joint instead of burning it?

Lighter becomes a highlighter.

Having a parent who was a hairdresser had some advantages...

Getting my hair dyed at home was a personal highlight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

What’s the Highlight of a Bulimic’s Birthday Party?

When the cake jumps out of the girl!

I caught my young son sniffing a Disney highlighter.

It made him a little Goofy.

“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,”

"Mitch Hedberg"

My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating

I peaked early.

I want Morgan Freeman to narrate a highlight reel of my life...

But I heard that silent movies don't do too well in today's market.

The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

I saw a dolphin kissing a raven.

Didn't expect to see that as the highlight of the NFL game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

[Corny] What does a highlighter say when it answers the phone?

Yello?

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

how do you study for a DNA test?

highlight the answers with a genetic marker

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

Hear the one about the girl who went to the hair salon?

It was the highlight of her day!

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of...

What'd you call a marker that smokes weed?

A highlighter

I videotaped my hair today

I’m going to watch the highlights later

A night at the symphony

Many years ago there was a Symphony Orchestra conducted by the great Alistair Baldwick. He was one of the most renowned Symphony conductors of all time, and on this special night he was going to conduct a magnificent piece by Bach. It was one of the most difficult pieces for both players and conduct...

News: A car crashed into a hair salon yesterday afternoon.

Still waiting for the highlights!

Right Click!

My dad, who is trying to learn how to use a computer, calls me to help him apply for a job online. It was one of those online applications where you can fill in the forms or just paste your resume in a box. I'm at work so, in the essence of saving time, I attempt to walk him through pasting his resu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman was at the hairdresser

Hairdresser was making small talk, “what’s new?” She says.

The woman replies, “ I am about to go on vacation. I’ve been saving for years and next week I leave .”

“Flying or driving?” Asks the hairdresser.

“I’m flying Jet Blue”.

“Jet Blue? They’re awful. The seats are t...

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front ...

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on...

What do you call a lighter that is only used for weed?

A highlighter

Edit: Or a Bud Light
Courtesy of u/isnottoast

A husband and wife are spending the day at the beach

While they are enjoying the sun a very attractive young woman in a bikini thong walks by, puts down a towel, removes her top, and lays down in front of them. The wife happens to catch her husband making glances at the younger woman and becomes jealous. "Is that what you want? You want me to get a fu...

Once upon a time, two race horses were born...

This is long, but worth it.

Their names were Herman and Berman and they were twins. Herman was born just slightly before Berman. Herman and Berman were colts of average work horses and were to work the fields everyday. One day Herman and Berman decide to have a race. Everyday at noon, the lu...

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