UPJOKE
billscorecardpostcardcardboardpaperpostingcheckplacardcartemembership cardposterlineupmenuboardnotice

Cards Jokes

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

Marriage is like a deck of cards..

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already ÂŁ150 up!

God I love being a postman

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

Why do used cards have dog ears?

They have ruff edges

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony?

Solitaire confinement.

What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?

A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car?

Because you only get 10% off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been buying birthday cards for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.

I was playing poker with tarot cards last night.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.

Blushing coming up from the table, he ...

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire...

I've only got Ash now.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Thanks to these vaccination cards...

I'll never lose my v card

When shopping for Valentine's day cards, I found one saying "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Great slogan, so I took 12.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

a couple of cows were smokin’ joints and playin’ cards...

that’s right, the steaks were pretty high

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

Why did the mosquito spend a lot of time playing cards?

Because he had a great poker face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of asexuals are playing cards

one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

I have a phobia about cards.

But I'm dealing with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is like a deck of playing cards

A woman once said, " a man is like a deck of playing cards ...you need :

**A Heart** to love him,

**A Diamond** to marry him,

**A Club** to smash his fucking head in, and

**A Spade** to bury the prick.

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, “Don’t worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time.”

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, “I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we’re feeling dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing cards in pairs is like sex

If you don’t have a great partner, you should have a good hand.

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

Thank you cards...

Honestly, I hate 'Thank You' cards, because I never know what to write in them.

So I usually just write, "See front".

Three lepers were playing cards...

One threw his whole hand in, the second cried his eyes out and the third laughed his head off

How do you make a house of cards collapse?

Just give it time and Spacey

I've hung pictures of my old graphics cards on the wall, it didn't cost much

I got low frame rates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

I want to go to Utah so I can do acid with Mormons in a best buy looking for graphics cards

I'll call it my LSDLDSDLSS adventure

A Soviet era joke about the value of hard work - Drink vodka, play cards

*This joke was told to me by a former colleague who was Russian, and had lived and worked under the Soviet system. He was a nuclear engineer there... and the only member of his team not sent to Chernobyl to help in the clean up. Anyway, like our hero of this story, I was fresh faced and a little hig...

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards"

Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.