I walked into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards. The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards….

The steaks were pretty high.

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A man is like a deck of playing cards

A woman once said, " a man is like a deck of playing cards ...you need :

**A Heart** to love him,

**A Diamond** to marry him,

**A Club** to smash his fucking head in, and

**A Spade** to bury the prick.

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A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks

They didn’t know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!

(We work in Children’s mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)

Thanks to these vaccination cards...

I'll never lose my v card

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A group of asexuals are playing cards

one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

Our computers all went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually!

It took me like half an hour to shuffle the cards for Solitaire!

I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

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Playing cards in pairs is like sex

If you don’t have a great partner, you should have a good hand.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?

Because he was sitting on the deck.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

Magician and Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every ...

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards

They must have thought I was a taroist

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the ...

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking

One guy says, “what was that?”

The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends.....

was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home ‪around 11:30‬.....One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading."Damn it woman!" he exclaimed. ...

I have a phobia about cards.

But I'm dealing with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.

"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes ...

All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

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