Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

The pirate just can't play a game of cards.

Because he was sitting on the deck!

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

What playing cards are the best dancers.

The king and queen of clubs.

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Why is Trump no fun to play UNO with?

He keeps all the green cards.

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

Thank you cards...

Honestly, I hate 'Thank You' cards, because I never know what to write in them.

So I usually just write, "See front".

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