Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

What do Canadians get on their report card

Staight EH'S

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s shitty to be dealt cards when sitting on the toilet

Fortunately, I had a straight flush.

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

Which playing cards are the best dancers?

King and queen of clubs

I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

I gave my wife a get better soon hallmark card

She's not sick, I hate her and she can do better

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My hallway is absolutely full of Valentine cards today...

I really am a lazy bastard of a postman.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

Three lepers were playing cards...

One threw his whole hand in, the second cried his eyes out and the third laughed his head off

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

My take on a classic.

Donald Trump visited a fortune teller one day. He walked in past all the mystic objects and sat down. The Teller read his palm, flipped her tarot cards, and stared into her crystal ball with a pensive look on her face. "What, what are you staring at?" The Donald asked with sweat on his brow.
<...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the fl...

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A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

Got some Christmas Cards from Supermarket.

Turns out they were from Tenko not Tesco.

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Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some "desert." Joe happily accepts again. When ...

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

Little Timmy went into his grandparent's bedroom.

He found his grandpa and grandma half-naked, fooling around in bed.

He asked his grandpa what they are doing.

Grandpa said: "Your grandma is my wild card"

Little Timmy left the room confused, so he entered his parent's bedroom and found mommy and daddy half-naked, fooling around...

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday

Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

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John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

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