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Elaborate Jokes

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

Do I use over elaborate sentences?

Do Ursine mammals defecate in Circumpolar Arboreal Forest Regions?

There was a murder in Gotham last night. Police Commissioner Gordon told Batman some elaborate conspiracy theories,

But it's more likely that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties. [Long]

A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if th...

A sketchy dude was trying to sell me an elaborate pillowcase.

Turns out it was a sham.

Why did the fruit have such an elaborate wedding?

Because it cantaloupe

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousan...

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A woman had been married 3 times, but was still a virgin

She marries a 4th time and on her wedding night her new husband noticed her extraordinary excitement and asked why? She said she'd been married 3 times before but was still a virgin. Her new husband asked her to elaborate.


She told him:


"My first husband, John, was a Gy...

For all you men dreaming of elaborate ways of hooking up with an Instagram model, all it took me was a good dinner date....

Just some food for thot.

A man who is well-known for overindulging at elaborate dinners is feeling abdominal pain and goes to his doctor. He asks, "Doc, is it my appendix?"

The doctor replies "No, I think it is more like your table of contents."

What do you call a complex dog?

An elaborate-dor

This joke was like "The Aristocrats" back in the day - question was how much you could elaborate it ...

Guy on a business trip gets to chatting with an attractive woman at the hotel bar and both of them being a little drunk, they wind up together in his bedroom.

So he's lying in bed watching her get ready, and first thing he sees is her take off her false eyelashes.

Then her false finger...

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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There's a lot of pressure for guys to have elaborate ways to ask their date to prom. One boy recently dressed up like Barbie's boyfriend Ken...

His girlfriend said why did you cut your dick off.

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

I went to a confession booth to confess my sins

Forgive me father for I have sinned, i have committed all 7 deadly sins in less than an hour.

Priest: Please elaborate.

Me: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate both of their dinners and didn't share any.

Priest: that's only 6, you forgot p...

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What if Prom is just an elaborate business scams that fashion companies carry out every year to sell all the shitty, cheap dresses to high school kids because the rich people wouldn't buy them?

*scam

I is stupid.

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

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A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend...

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is super...

Father's Day

I don't get excited about gifts the way other people do, and it drives my wife nuts. For Father's Day, my wife was determined to get a reaction out of me and so she ordered me a custom-designed tie. She knew that I had two great passions in life: movies and dad humor, so she hired a well-known graph...

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

I had a job interview yesterday...

The chap conducting the interview had a copy of my CV in front of him. He said to me

"It says here you're a man of mystery"

"That's correct" I replied

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"No"

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

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Job interview - "What is your biggest weakness?"

Them: What is your biggest weakness?

Me: I'm vague

Them: Can you elaborate?

Me: Yeah

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office...

And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

Job interview

Interviewer: Can you tell me a little about yourself?

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: Can you elaborate?

Me: It’s probably best if I don’t.

Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car the tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

On the day of the make...

A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst...

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

I was getting a prostate examination when the doctor said "just so you know, this is a digital rectal exam".

"I understand. I know what is involved", I reply.

The doctor elaborates, "Just so you know, this exam will likely cause an erection".

I consider it for a moment and say, "That's fine, I've got it under control. It should be ok".

The doctor replies, "I wasn't talking about you."

So one time i joined a Slovakian circus...

I got in with the tightrope walkers. The coach had designed this elaborate, rigorous training program. It was a whole system of Czechs and balances.

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek in heaven..

It was Einstein's turn to find them.

Pascal went and hide behind the bushes.

But Newton just stood on a 1M *1M tile..

Einstein came out and shouted "Newton, you are out!"

Newton replied " No, actually you are out, as I am Pascal"

Einstein: "Elaborate..."

"As...

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An Old Man’s Health Check Up.

Doctor: Well everything seems to be fine, I guess this is the end of our appointment. See you next year...

Old Man: Wait! Doctor I have to ask you about a “plumbing” problem I have.

Doctor: Well than would you please elaborate than.

Old Man: Gladly. So the problem is I wiss lik...

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

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The bet

Once there was a really beautiful queen in a kingdom. One day two of the ministers in her council, James and Daniel made a bet. The winner would be the one who can suck the queen's breast.


James had an elaborate plan, it went something like this:


First he bought a snake and t...

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

My grandfather got new pants the other day. I asked him how they fit...

He said "Like a cheap castle."

Seeing the confused look on my face, he elaborated, saying, "No ball room."

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

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I met a Japanese mathematician yesterday

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

Soviet Brezhnev Joke

A hot French movie star is meeting Brezhnev (Soviet Premiere) in 60s

- Comrade Brezhnev, we demand you open the borders and lift the iron curtain!

- Hey, baby ... is this an elaborate way of you hitting on me? you are telling me you want us both to remain alone here?

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

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A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

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A car company walks into a bar...

Shirishito was a stoic man, for the most part, not prone to impulse or really any emotional sway. He'd climbed the corporate ladder at one of Japan's largest automakers one rung at a time, diligently.

Many of his cohort, when he was in the mail room, washed out after showing up late, drunk o...

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

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Once there was a joke contest on the jungle

And every animal was invited to participate, the only objective was to make the turtle, King of the jungle, laugh. Whoever did that takes the throne but if the king didn't laugh, they got executed.

So first came the lion to take his throne and told the most elaborate and funny joke he could t...

James Bond goes down to breakfast at a hotel

The hotel manager asks, "How was your wake up call, sir?"

"It was rather rude!" Bond replies, grumpily.

"Oh no! Would you care to elaborate so we make sure not to make the same mistake again?" The manager asks.

"Well I was shaken, not stirred!"

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Seems the mailman was going to retire...

So, Mrs. Jones told her husband about it because she wanted to do something nice for the guy.

Mr. Jones said "Screw him! Give him five dollars."

So, later that week, Mrs. Jones prepared an elaborate meal and when the mailman came by, she invited him in. She sat him down and served him...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

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A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

A man feels ill but isn't sure why.

A man and his wife go to the doctor to try and find out why he has been so ill and depressed for some time. When they arrive the doctor first examines the husband and runs some tests. They spend a few hours getting the relevant information then send them home to with wait for some of the results. ...

A man is walking along the beach when...

...he trips over an antique lamp. A genie pours out, ominous and towering. "Thank you, kind soul," the genie says, "I have been trapped in that lamp for so long. You're a gentleman and a scholar for freeing me."

"I'm no such thing," says the man, "I'm a simple man with simple needs."

"...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

One day a cheerful man goes to hell.

He was very happy, making friends with everyone he met, until he sees a cold man shaking, so he ask “hello there! How did you died?”
“I died frozen, how did you died?”
He smiles and says
“Well... You know...”
“Come on, what was it, car-crash, cancer, killed?”
“No no, i died by happi...

The heads of state of the US and China sit down to a meeting.

Donald Trump says to Xi Jinping, "I'm gonna build a wall, it's going to be the best wall, Jinping, you've got a wall, I'm going to build it better than yours."

Xi replies, "It took thousands of Chinese workers a very long time to build the Great Wall. Are you sure your country is ready for th...

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