Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"My bad" is an apology in all circumstances....

.....except at a funeral.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bo...

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Kevin Spacey while writing his apology: "I could own up to the mistakes I've made...

...butt fuck it"

How does a Canadian demand an apology?

Leading by example.

A Sincere Apology

A man is at work one day, and he receives an email from his neighbor. He opens it to read, "Dear sir. I must apologize for taking advantage of your wife. I have been doing so every day for many months now, and I've only recently been caught by the internet repairman, who noticed I was doing somethin...

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

A Women' Apology

I am sorry,
But it was Your mistake.

What do you call an apology written using dots and dashes?

Re-morse code

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

*"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.*

*I have been tapping your wife all the time. I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt.*

*I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that ...

What did the Canadian who was interested in human history get his college degree in?

Anthr-apology

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One day the bishop is not available, so the priest is in charge of the confessions

First woman comes in and says: ''Father I have insulted my husband.''The priest replies: "that will be 20 hail mary's and all will be forgiven.''

Next a man confesses: ''Father I have hit my wife.''The priest say: "A very serieus affair, 50 hail mary's and an apology to your wife."

Las...

I love skeleton jokes

I once had a friend who was a skeleton, he was a real bonehead. He worked as a LUMBARjack until he had a bone to pick with his boss. It didn't end well for his career, but hey nothing got under his skin, he tried getting back his job, he tried to fake an apology to his boss, but it once again didn't...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

Birth certificate.

You birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

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The rude professor.

A biology professor in Italy was giving an anatomy class. "The largest penis was discovered in an archeological finding in rome". Two or three offended female students get up to leave. The professor says "hey girls" The female students turn around in a egotistical manner expecting an apology. The p...

Satan's Jacket

Belive it or not, back in his day, Satan got around. On one particular crazy night, he woke up next to an angelic chick. Unfortunately, over the course of the night the temperature had dropped drastically, and she hadn't thought to bring a jacket. Now, Satan might be the devil, but he wasn't a douch...

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Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of sa...