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Machines Jokes

I saw a sketchy looking guy walking on the street with six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

Vending machines kill more people than sharks.

I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.

Dogs can't operate an Mri machines...

But catscan

I really want to tell a joke about cash machines

But I don't have one atm

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

I used to play around with time machines.

When I was older.

Among all the machines out there, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

What do they call it when two construction machines get into a physical altercation?

A CAT fight

Did you hear about the thousands of laundry machines that were found on the beach?

They washed a shore...

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.

The uprising of the machines

When the machines finally rise up and access my fitness bracelet data, they will realize that I am not a threat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

I tried reading a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

I buy and sell old adding machines for profit but lately I've been losing money.

Something's not adding up.

I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines

So they would accept change

I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just can't think of one atm.

Why should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they be straight up spitting fax all the time

My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.

I couldn't give a fax anymore.

Where do karaoke machines come from?

Singapore

Two sewing machines walk into a bar.

One says ‘Are you a singer?’

The other says ‘Sure, janome?’

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

The best thing about time machines ...

... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.

I don't understand ATM machines.

They just don't make cents.

I think people who drive farming machines have a place.

You could say I'm protractor.

A guy tells his friend he doesn't know much about cloning machines

His friend replies, "Well that makes two of us."

I never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

We don't serve time machines

A Time machine walks into a bar

Why do tennis players love vending machines?

Because they don't have to wait to for their food to be served.

I finally learned how coin minting machines work

It all makes cents now.

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostitutes are like really expensive arcade machines...

As long as you keep paying, you can keep playing.

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