UPJOKE
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Installing Jokes

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

A man sees his neighbor installing a fence

“Hey, weren’t you just installing that fence post last week?” he asks.

“Yeah, this is a repost,” the neighbor replies.

I heard Putin was installing Windows

And Microsoft had to accept his terms and conditions.

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander .

It keeps draining my battery.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

Got an estimate on installing a new Air Conditioner in our house for $18k…

Looks like we’re going with Only Fans this summer.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his...

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

TIFU by installing my fence on my neighbors property

Oops, wrong place for this post.

Two terrorists were installing a bomb

One says to another “what will happen if this one explodes while we are installing it?”

The other responds:

“Don’t worry I’m carrying a spare”

I got a job installing security systems...

I find it pretty alarming

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Installing a Husband.

**INSTALLING A HUSBAND**

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
...
In addition, ...

I used to have a career installing cash machines

I'm sure there's a joke in here somewhere but I can't think of one ATM

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

What does a vampire do before installing a new piece of software?

Sign the DracEULA.

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'

'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.

He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

TIL that India is installing 15000 CCTV cameras in Delhi for Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.... When will the world stop this Racist behaviour ?

My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

I came across a door

with a sign that said “must remain closed at all times”.

I’m not sure why they bothered installing it.

The guy installing the new security system said we should upgrade because of the increasing crime rate.

Typical alarmist.

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