UPJOKE
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Installed Jokes

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I installed a high-voltage fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it.

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

Why have Prigozhin installed Linux?

Windows suddenly makes him feel unsafe

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

Breaking news: Yevgeny Prigozhin of the Wagner Group has installed Linux on his computer.

He's trying to stay away from Windows.

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I installed a skylight in an apartment today...

The people in the apartment upstairs were plenty pissed.

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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander .

It keeps draining my battery.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

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I just installed a bidet

Now I can care less about the shits I give

A farmer installed a modem in his barn

I guess you could say he has stable internet now

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

I installed a wind turbine in my yard if you want pics..

Subscribe to my onlyfans site

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

As a repair man, I once installed a motor too powerful in a moving stairway.

It escalated very quickly.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

Prague just installed new Covid-19 testing stations.

They named them Czech points.

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One of my friends installed strobe lights in his bedroom.

He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she’s moving.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

Recently installed a shower bar.

Never been sober since.

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I bought my wife a stripper pole for our anniversary and installed it in our bedroom.

Whenever I ask her if she likes it, she just dances around the subject.

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet.

These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

Finally got a beer tap installed in our home.

But now my wife's complaining that she "can't have a regular bath".

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

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My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stairlift installed in his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

Boss just installed watsapp.

My boss just installed watsapp and texted me:


Boss: Hey, send me some jokes or something.


ME: Ok boss but please first tell when will I get a rise.


Boss: LMAO Nice one send more.

The new X Box Series or PS5 should have a CD stacker installed.

It would be a real game changer

An electrician installed two aeriels on the same roof . . .

The aeirels quickly fell in love, went on many dates and were soon married. The wedding went off without a hitch . . .

But there was no reception.

I installed this new clickbait electrical system

What happened next was shocking

A lighthouse was installed at an Alaskan cape near a remote Inuit village

The leader of the village opposed the installation, but the US government overruled him.

One foggy morning, the village leader said to his people, "I told you that thing no good. Look at it: light flash, bell ring, horn go woo-woo. But fog come in, just like always."

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

My girlfriend Dora found out I installed Tinder.

She said, "Swiper no swiping!"

I installed a pedometer app on my phone

But whichever direction I walk, I seem to be moving away from the kids.

A woman buys a wardrobe for her bedroom

After it is installed all is well until the train passes on the nearby track and the wardrobe falls down.

She calls a technician to check it out, he proceeds to secure it with some supports but when the train passes it again falls down.

Surprised but determined, the technician again in...

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

My wife got mad at me because I didn’t appreciate the new marble kitchen countertops she had installed.

I’ll admit, I took them for granite.

I installed some new Humbuckers on my guitar.

Now the ladies call me a pickup artist.

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. ...

Most countries can boast that their intelligence agencies installed spies in foreign countries.

The Russians can boast that they installed a president.

The police station installed "Safe Spots" for Craigslist sales...

Which is great because I always met in a park under a tree but it always seemed so shady.

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

I just got condoms installed on my floor today

it protects the hardwood.

My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed.

His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before.

Sorry Gene. We still love you.

What does a redditor do after his picket fence is installed?

He re-posts it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't felt at home since my wife installed security cameras.

Now I masturbate in the work toilets.

What did they say about Baghdad after they installed too many garbage cans?

It was Bin Laden

The pipes that my plumber installed are leaking...

Clearly, he didn't give a flux.

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

A husband and wife are driving down the highway after getting the car repaired. The husband says, “The ride sure is quiet since we installed the new muffler, isn’t it honey?”

“Mmmfff mmf MMMFFF!”

[OC]

I had to fire the guy who installed dry wall in my house.

He screwed up the ceiling.

15000 CCTV Cameras are being installed in Delhi for Obama's visit

just because he is black it does not mean that he will steal anything. bloody racists !

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship?

Welcome a Board!

(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Installing a Husband.

**INSTALLING A HUSBAND**

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
...
In addition, ...

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