The 100+ Best Mistake Jokes

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.

It should have been called takeout instead.

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?

Because they lack reflection.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."

I referred to my dentist as an orthodontist by mistake.

It was acci*dental*.

When you call your teacher mom, it’s an embarrassing mistake.

When you call one daddy, the man is escorted from the building, and you are now the victim of a crime.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record

He made a type o

I don't ever make the same mistake twice

I make it 4-5 times just to be sure!

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What a mistake to make

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question t...

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

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Monastery Spelling Mistake

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error i...

I learn a lot from my mistakes

I think it's time to make a few more.

i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes

she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.

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A girl is invited to her boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans beforehand. When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures she can wait until dinner is over. Unfortunately, 15 minutes later, she can’t hold it any longer. At the same time, his...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Woman mistakes Lee Trevino for a migrant worker

Lee Trevino is a Mexican-American who was one of the best golfers (and greatest characters) in the world. But when he was a young man, he would still mow his own lawn, and this is why.

He was a young golfer on the PGA Tour, and a married man, when one day he was out mowing the lawn in front ...

Some people call their mistakes "happy accidents"

But some people get more creative and give them cute little names like Nathan or Thomas, just like my parents did.

I hate making spelling mistakes.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

What Do You Call It When You Make a Seasoning Mistake?

An oregano-no

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

What do you call it when you mistake a flashlight for a flesh light?

A flash bang

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.

His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

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My son made me a shirt which spelled "Wrld's best dad!" which is a pretty cute mistake.

But he needs to get his shit together and understand that I have a sweatshop to run.

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I once made the mistake of making fun of a Florida man's wife; he walked up, slapped me in the face, and said...

KEEP MY COUSIN'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH!

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

My friend made a mistake the other day and said "Making mistakes is how we learn in life"

I replied "Your mom must've learned a lot then!"

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I've made a huge mistake.

I've mixed up the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019

Edit: \*2020

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

I made a mistake at a philosophy conference. They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.

I apologized for the Confucian.

A MATH PROFESSOR'S MISTAKE

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says My dear now that you are 60 years old there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up f...

I made a mistake shaving my privates today

Or "gross misconduct" as my court martial put it

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Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

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If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He's not happy about it either.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

I made the mistake of telling my wife that I like Space Invaders.

Now she won't give me any privacy.

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

Boss: "You've got to find a way to make fewer mistakes on the job"

Worker: "Ok, how about I come in later in the morning?"

What do you call a prince who made a mistake?

A heirror

My dad said I was a mistake

I hope thats a joke

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Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says to the first nun, "Sister, you've lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?" The nun looks serious and answers him, "St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a...

What is it called when a dentist makes a mistake?

Accidental

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

what do you call a math mistake?

algebruh moment

If it's right that from each mistake you make you learn something

Then i must be Albert Einstein

What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake?

Sew?

Tip your waitresses

A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

Married.

Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes

My first language is English.

How many people does it take to make a mistake?

In your case, two.

If we don't proofread and correct mistakes

The errorists win.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

I joined a local scat group on Facebook recently who said they were having a meet up

Once I showed up and saw what they were doing to each other, I realized my mistake and skiddy-be-bop-a-do’d out of there as fast as I could.

A scientist drops a bar of gold on his foot by mistake...

"Au!", he exclaimed.

I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.

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2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says “have you ever said something wrong by mistake”, Guy 2 says “like what?”

Guy 1 says “well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE breasts. I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh”

Guy 2 says “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I...

Every dictionary has at least one mistake

It’s in the “m” section, after mist.

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I try to learn from my mistakes,

but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass.

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

What’s the biggest mistake you can make with a horse

Buying one

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

I plotted a graph of my past mistakes

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake

I hear it's shocking

I made one little mistake 8 years ago and my wife still won't let it go.

She always forces me to go back to the park and pick him up.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork"

The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"

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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

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A fucking mistake

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick- "How you doin?"

Bob- "Fine. Hey do me a favor, go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are freezing."

Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 19 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.

He says- your broth...

Today i made a mistake while sewing.

Oops, wrong thread.

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

Today morgue employee got cremated by mistake while taking a nap...

I guess two people got fired that day!

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