UPJOKE
sliperrorfaulterrconfoundblunderconfuseblooperflublapsemisconceptionmisprintbunglemisstatementbotch

I think it’s a mistake to call childbirth delivery.

It should be called takeout instead.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once made the mistake of making fun of a Florida man's wife; he walked up, slapped me in the face, and said...

KEEP MY COUSIN'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve made a terrible mistake

I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused…now I’m in a hot tub with the Japanese mafia

What Do You Call It When You Make a Seasoning Mistake?

An oregano-no

My friend made a mistake the other day and said "Making mistakes is how we learn in life"

I replied "Your mom must've learned a lot then!"

What do you call it when you mistake a flashlight for a flesh light?

A flash bang

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

I made a mistake at a philosophy conference. They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.

I apologized for the Confucian.

What are the three worst mistakes in business?

1) Over-promising.

2) Under-delivering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is invited to her boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans beforehand. When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures she can wait until dinner is over. Unfortunately, 15 minutes later, she can’t hold it any longer. At the same time, his...

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

I made a mistake shaving my privates today

Or "gross misconduct" as my court martial put it

Common English Mistakes

Common English Mistakes

-mixing up there, their, and they're

-using the wrong too, to, or two

-putting commas in the wrong place

-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches

-using apostrophes for plurals

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

Boss: "You've got to find a way to make fewer mistakes on the job"

Worker: "Ok, how about I come in later in the morning?"

I made the mistake of telling my wife that I like Space Invaders.

Now she won't give me any privacy.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

I was drinking with my buddy and told him “My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me.”

Buddy: Did you mean ‘hysterical’?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day

Pope and Bill Clinton die on the same day. Due to a bureaucratic mistake, Pope goes to hell, Bill Clinton goes to heaven but they correct the mistake after a short time. On their way to opposite sides Bill Clinton and Pope run into each other and start a conversation. Pope talks about how much he wa...

I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

What do you call a prince who made a mistake?

A heirror

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Did you know that Chewbacca wrecked the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a wookie mistake.

May the 4th be with you!

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Why did Chewbacca’s police force make so many mistakes?

They hired a bunch of Wookiees.

If it's right that from each mistake you make you learn something

Then i must be Albert Einstein

What does a tailor say when he makes a mistake?

Sew?

Tip your waitresses

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

My dad said I was a mistake

I hope thats a joke

I got pulled over for texting while driving

Officer: Sir, you know you're not supposed to be using your phone while driving, don't you?

Me: Well officer, I guess we all make mistakes when we've been drinking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.


After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward t...

Sorry for the spelling/grammer mistakes

My first language is English.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I try to learn from my mistakes,

but it's hard when they can't even wipe their own ass.

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Even though I'm a nerd, I don't really embrace the notion of complete and perfect knowledge of canon, but I'll admit I was pretty embarrassed when I lost all credibility in a discussion on Chewbacca when I inadvertently spelled it with a K.

It was a Wookie mistake.

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

What is it called when a dentist makes a mistake?

Accidental

what do you call a math mistake?

algebruh moment

I think I made a mistake...

...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car gets pulled over

Policeman: "sir, you were driving above the speed limit here. Give me your licence".

Man:" this must be a mistake. I was driving below the speed limit. I always do..."

Woman: "Darling, you know it isn't true".

Man: "shut up you stupid cunt".

Policeman: "sir, license pleas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wheelie bin man

So the rubbish bin man is making his daily rounds and notices that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside.

He rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, the sound of a toilet flushing and some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese gentleman step...

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

Every dictionary has at least one mistake

It’s in the “m” section, after mist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What a mistake to make

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question t...

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

A scientist drops a bar of gold on his foot by mistake...

"Au!", he exclaimed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says “have you ever said something wrong by mistake”, Guy 2 says “like what?”

Guy 1 says “well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE breasts. I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh”

Guy 2 says “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I...

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork"

The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"

This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019

Edit: \*2020

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

What’s the biggest mistake you can make with a horse

Buying one

A blonde goes into a coffee shop

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde k...

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake.

I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

I am earning 5,000 monthly

Last month I received 7,000 and I kept quiet.

This month I got 3,000 so I went to HR to complain.

HR asked "why didn't you complain when you received extra last month?"

I replied "I will normally forgive the first mistake, but I can't tolerate the second."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"

Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out “Hey! That’s my grandmothers grave! Your Grandma’s is a few over!”
Startled and embarrassed I answered back “Sorry! I’ve made a grave mistake!”

Jesus Saves!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her cha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

I plotted a graph of my past mistakes

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others;

the rest of us have to be the others.

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

Weigh station

Once there was a British family that was touring the U.S.A. They were driving on the highway and and saw a sign for a stop! So the mother pulls down the road to a rather peculiar place, and stops when they find themselves on a peculiar looking pad.

A man walk out of the building and explain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sole man on an isolated island

There is an isolated island, with a sole man there.
The man doesn't know about the existence of the rest of the world, he haven't met any other people and is disconnected from the rest of humanity.

A big news company hears about it, and decides to send a news reporter to make an item about...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade

Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class

My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"

Student #1: "Make me"

Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old painter

A mobster bough a new house in the suburbs and wanted to re-paint the fence.He called a local painter. The painter was 70yo guy. He took one look at the mobster and thought "This guy surely is dumb - I will ask him for triple the normal price" and so he did.The mobster who was not as dumb as he look...

The the first thing to do after you realize you've made a mistake is to locate your clothes.

Then get the heck outta there before that mistake wakes up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My (lawyer) mom's favorite lawyer joke

A large law firm is getting a lot of bad press because they don't have any women in the firm, so the heads of the firm get together and decide to hire three women and make one of them full partner.



After selecting three candidates, they devise a test to figure out which of them to mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soap for sister

Two men on a pilgrimage spend the night at a Nunnery. They take a shower across the hall. When they want to start they notice they forgot the soap and one of them quickly darts back to their room to get two little travel soaps. Just as he wants to cross the hallway two nuns walk by, thinking on his ...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

Married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to heaven after carrying out his task on earth, Where are my 72 virgins?

He asks, go into that room and they are all waiting for you, says the angel. He goes in, a few moments later he walks out again. I think there's been a mistake. he cries, the room is full of men, that's correct says the angel, and they're all virgins.

I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.

It was a Wookie mistake.

What makes mistakes, but can't erase them?

If I had a dad, I'd ask him.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.