An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes

She hugged me

I plotted a graph of my past mistakes

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

Having trouble learning from your past mistakes? Try rubbing some ketchup in your eyes...

I've heard it can improve Heinzsight.

I would like to shoutout my dad. He taught me to walk away from mistakes.

Please come back I miss you.

I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

People make mistakes

That's why a pencil has an eraser and Katie has gonorrhea

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

So I'm covered in glue and that was a mistake?

I thought I was supposed to shelter in paste!

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What a mistake to make

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question t...

This is the first mistake everybody is going to make in 2019

Edit: \*2020

I made a terrible mistake this morning.

I got out of bed.

Jussie Smollett told me he was feeling bad about recent mistakes...

I told him not to beat himself up too badly.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

What did the computer student say to the language student after he made a mistake?

You made a programmar error

Common English mistakes:

- Mixing up their, there or they're

- Wrong use of to, too or two

- Enslaving innocent people

- Putting commas in the wrong place

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake

A junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake & said: "Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 minutes."

Boss (shouting): "Do you know who you are talking to?"

Junior: "No!"

Boss: "I'm the BOSS!"

Junior (in same tone): "Do you know who you are talking to?"...

I have trouble admitting my mistakes

It's not my fault.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Looking back at all my mistakes next year will be easier....

Hindsight = 2020

We've all made mistakes. I made a left turn once....

It wasn't right, man.

Bob Ross said "We don't make mistakes. We just have happy accidents."

So, either he lied and my parents made a mistake or I'm an accident.

What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

I made a grave mistake asking a customer if he preferred smoking or non-smoking.

Apparently, the correct term is "cremation" and "burial".

When you learn to think on your feet, you can make something from a mistake.

I learned from my parents...

I hope the coming New Year will be a year known for personal reflection and learning from past mistakes...

Because "Hindsight is 2020"

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

I made a mistake when making the bed in the morning. My girlfriend went crazy.

Bad sheet crazy.

Going to China was a huge mistake

There were huge red flags everywhere

A husband and wife are having a big fight...

Husband: I am fed up now! I can't tolerate you anymore!

Wife: ok then... Just push me in a well so I can die!

Husband: ok google! Find wells near me..

Wife(cring loudly): seriously?!!

Husband (realising): oh no! What was I thinking! I was making a very big mistake!
...

The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.

Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place.

God, on the other hand, took notice of ...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

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Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

The beauty of having icing on your cake is that you can cover a lot of your mistakes.

I think I've found out why my parents insist on spreading icing all over my face on each of my birthdays.

Not learning from mistakes runs in the family.

Which is why I have a little brother.

Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

If we don't proofread and correct mistakes

The errorists win.

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A mechanic drops his daughter off at Harvard for her first day of college.

As he tries to find his way off campus, he realizes he needs to use the restroom, so he asks a student, “Excuse me, but do you know where the nearest restroom is at?”

The student replies, “Sir, at Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition.”

The mechanic replies, “Oh, my mistak...

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

Word Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat
...

Honestly proposing to my wife was a mistake

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold t...

Some mistakes can grow to be big problems

That's how my parents feel about me

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

Spelling Mistakes

I accidentally made a spelling mistake on my work. I found this out when I get screamed at for it. It is a fairly small mistake, so I don't understand why she is so upset!

Jeez, I'm a tattoo artist, not an english teacher. Calm down, we all make mistakes.

Those Tennessee Boys Are Stupid

So these counterfeiters make a mistake and print a load of $15 bills.
The head man says "No problem. We'll take these bills down to Tennessee. Those hicks won't know the difference. We'll swap out the bad bills for real money."

So they head down to Tennessee and stop at a small general st...

It sucks when people make one mistake and get fired.

A very sad day today. After SEVEN years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice gu...

Have you heard the one about the electrician making a mistake

I hear it's shocking

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The hypnotists mistake.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist last night. He dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME". What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

My dad bought an eraser that advertises as “erases big mistakes”

I’m sweating right now

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

A man walks into a bar... The bartender smiles and says, "What can I get you today, bud?"

The man drunkenly says, "Pint of beer please."

Bartender pours the beer, hands it over and watches as the man gulps it down in one.

"That'll be £4 please, sir."

The man looks at him wide eyed, "I'm not paying for that, you asked me what you could get me so I took up your generou...

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

My wife's gonna leave me because of a spelling mistake.

I'm on a work trip and I just texted her "having a wonderful time, wish you were her."

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make

My manager said if I make one more mistake that I'll be fired.

So to save myself I've made several mistakes.

A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

Married.

People always tell me to learn from mistakes...

Why would I ever want to listen to my children?

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There are these three ropes, and they are the best of friends

Every Friday, they go to the bowling alley to hang out and play a few games. However, when they got there on Friday, there was a sign that said, "No ropes allowed". They decided it must be a mistake, so one of the ropes goes in to ask about it, but gets kicked out. The second one goes in to try his ...

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I just bought an egotistical keyboard

It's like a regular keyboard but there's no backspace button because I never make mistakes

Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea

I forgot that he only drinks realty

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Guy falls in love with a polish girl

He loves the girl to death. Would do anything to be with her. He asks her to marry him and she says “My family would never allow it since you’re not polish.” Crushed, the man is determined to find a way to be polish to marry the love of his life.

A few days pass and he goes to his doctor and...

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A man visits a Doctor

He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus"

Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in
isolation"

"But sir, I had kissed her"

"No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation"

"But then I kissed my wife too"

"You crazy...

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An exhausted Nurse walks into a bank after an 18 hour shift...

She grabs a deposit slip, walks up to the teller, reaches into her purse, grabs a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

When she realizes the mistake she looks up at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says *"Well that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I make mistakes my parents would always asked me, why do we make mistakes? To learn from them

Well the other day, I got drunk, really drunk, and for some reason I made sure everyone in town knew about it. I drove around exclamating curse words and screaming at people from things as simple as walking their dogs. Eventually I even tried to go back to the bar but I was so drunk they didn't let ...

I learned from my parents mistakes.

You could say I'm self taught.

Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend.

First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...

Classic wookie mistake.

(Oldie, but never gets olde)

You get what you deserve

Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town’s morals, stuck her nose into everyone’s business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon.
“George, everyone who sees it there will know...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Man with Alzheimers tries to sell family a coffin

Man asks the son first : "I can tell you're a man of a refined taste. I'll sell you a coffin for 20% less".

Son anwsers : "I'm in mid 20's,i don't need it"

(Man realizes his mistake in asking the youngest, he changes strategies and asks about the oldest person in the family)

Man...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

It's not my fault that I hate typing mistakes, it's in my blood

I'm type O negative.

I made a mistake and went shopping on an empty stomach.

I am now the happy owner of aisle 7.

Perfectly spell-checked poem

- I have a spelling checker.
- It came with my PC,
- It plainly marks four my revue,
- Mistakes I cannot sea.
- I've run this poem threw it,
- I'm sure your pleased to no,
- Its letter purfect in it's weigh,
- My checker tolled me sew...

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

What's the best way to tell a CEO they made a mistake?

This ain't it, chief.

If you think you have a grammar or spelling mistake, simply post it to Reddit and you’ll know within seconds if you made one or many.

Make sure you write "sorry for grammar mistakes English is not my first language"

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake?

The presence of a witness.

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

People with which blood group are a mistake?

TypeO

My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok

Wookie mistake.

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.


I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.


She then hugged me.

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medici...

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

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