Handsome Jokes - 95 Hilarious Handsome Jokes

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar...

She says,

"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

The Russian replies,

"I work for KGB."

"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

"About me or about you?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”

She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out...

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

What do you call a handsome Turkish guy?

A hottoman.

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

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A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

Handsome

If 3 people do it, we call it threesome

If 2 people do it, we call it twosome

Oh! Now I understand why boys are called handsome.

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An ugly and a handsome friend were drinking in a bar

The ugly friend starts cracking up

Handsome Guy: What happened?

Ugly Guy: What do you call 3 people having sex?

Handsome Guy: ummmm........threesome?

Ugly Guy: What do you call 2 people having sex?

Handsome Guy: um.....twosome..!

Ugly Guy: And that's why lad...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

Two women die and go to Heaven...

...only to find it full of ducks. Saint Peter appears and says, "Hello! Welcome to Heaven. There's only one real rule here, and it's because God really loves ducks -- Do _not_ EVER step on a duck."

The women, slightly confused, agree to the terms. What choice is there? They head off into the...

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

A lady walks into a bar and sees a handsome man sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he's drinking.

"Magic beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after not icing that there isn't anyone else worth talking to, she goes back to the man and says

"That isn't really magic beer, is it?"

"...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

Handsome dog

My daughter asked if her dog was handsome.

I think he's fetching.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

A handsome duck walks into a bar [OC I hope]

The bartender takes one look at the duck and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

The duck asks “Why not?”

“Because you have an outstanding bill.”

All these people having threesomes, twosomes, and even the occasional foursomes

All I ever have are handsomes

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Every woman I’ve ever been with has called me handsome.

They all stick their hand out before sex and say hand some money over.

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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NSFW A handsome traveling salesman stops at this farmhouse.

After a long wait at the door finally a young woman with no arms or legs shows up at the door in an electric wheelchair.

"Sorry Mister there's no one at home but me for the next few hours, but I would like to ask you a favor."

"Alright young lady, what can I do for you?"

"Well y...

My wife said she prefers handsome men

But for me she made an exception.

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I am sick of being handsome.

It hurts my hands, that’s why I want to try threesome or foursome.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy say...

Woman: Hey handsome, how about dinner tonight?

Man: Sorry I don’t date married women

Woman:.....but I’m YOUR wife

Man: I make no exceptions

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

I am one handsome dude.

Every time I go shopping the cashiers are all checking me out.

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If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.

Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.

Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, I would like to buy a round for the house, ...

I've been called Handsome

I may be ugly as hell, but at least I got some hands

The handsome radio host

Had a call in contest and the first person to call would get anything they asked for within reason. The phones explode with callers and he answers the first caller. It's an old crippled woman who happens to be in a wheelchair. She said she never had a date in her whole life and would like a date wit...

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A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The ass...

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Handsome

What do you call it when you have sex with three other people?

Foursome

What do you call it when you have sex with two other people?

Threesome

Why do you think people call you handsome?

Edit: Spelling

Edit 2: God I can't fucking count

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together

The first woman says “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.’”

The second says “My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.’”

The third says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.’”...

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I'm so handsome, I once turned someone gay.

Admittedly they were a girl

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"

And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"

And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

I asked a tall handsome fellow at the sperm bank...

"Do you come here often?"

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

The god of thunder road up a mountain atop his handsome filly.

"I'm Thor!" He cried, the horse replied:
"Because you forgot your thaddle thilly."

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic

What? Why are you expecting a “but”?

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.

The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he wa...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

Mom am I handsome?

Son:. Mom, am I handsome?

Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend.

Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend.

Mother: Then you have your answer.

Once upon a time a lonely ant met a handsome fish.

Once upon a time a lonely ant met a handsome fish. Despite everyone telling them it was wrong, they fell in love.

One day they eloped and moved into a cottage by a pond. Their only neighbor was Mr. Frog

They lived many happy years together and then something unexpected happened; they h...

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The wives and husbands stores

There's a store somewhere in a small town that advertises selling ready-to-go husbands for women who wish to settle down. One day a woman walks in looking for a husband.

As she walks in, she sees a sign that says "Welcome to Husbands 'R Us! This store has 6 floors. On each floor you will fin...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

An extraordinarily handsome man

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. As he was searching for the perfect woman he met a farmer who had three gorgeous daughters. He explained his plans to the farmer, asking for permissio...

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Second Date.

I suggested to my wife we go to the pub separately to relive our very first date.

So she walked over to me and asked "Can I buy you a drink handsome" I replied "Fuck off I'm not falling for that again"

A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar...

... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says:

"Do I come here often?"

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I had a friend who was a virgin and everyone called him "Handsome John"

I thought why everyone called him Handsome although he was ugly, then I learned how "threesome" works.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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Girl is asked by her teacher in class to use handsome in a sentence.

(She pauses to think)

Girl: Sometimes when I'm giving my bf a blowjob, my mouth gets tired... so then I use my *handsome*.

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An extremely handsome man was into a bar

An extremely handsome man was into a bar, wearing a 10000 dollar suit, and women clinging to each arm. Everyone turned heads as he approached the bartender. He takes a fat wad of cash from his pocket and throws it on the table. "Drinks on me!". He exclaimed and everyone cheered. Everyone flocked ...

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”

The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.

When she takes...

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

I have 99 problems and being handsome solves 54 of them

Therefore I have 99 problems.

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog sa...

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

I was born handsome, charming witty and wise

I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.

One of my molars just said I'm handsome.

I love having a sweet tooth.

Girlfriend broke up with me for being handsome with long hair...

On her way out she says, “you’re always lion”. All I could do was nod in agreement.

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A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

What do you call a really handsome potato?

A spud.

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

A handsome middle-aged man was driving his Mercedes along the highway...

Deciding that since it was a nice day, and almost no one was around, he'd have some fun. He opened the throttle up, and was soon roaring down the road at just over 100mph.

He was having the time of his life, when a sudden red and blue flashing from behind stole his thunder. Deciding tha...

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A pregnant woman from Virginia

was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsom...

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a handsomely dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

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A handsome man fears he may have an awful terminal illness.

Thinking that if he did indeed have cancer as he suspected, and not really knowing much about how treatment worked, he thought that because he surely would never get laid again after he lost all of his beautiful hair that it would be best if he go to the doctors in one week.

So the man sp...

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?

John: No,im just wondering?

Counselor: Wondering about what?

John: We dont have a car.

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

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