Three men died and ended up in heaven...

They were greeted by a saint who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a duck." The men all agreed to not step on any ducks and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up tripping over a duck. The...

What do you call a cat that you wear on your wrist?

Aristocrat

I heard that they are finally making a movie about why someone made the first wrist watch...

...It's about time!

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

I was thinking about getting flame tattoos on my wrists, going up.

Then I realized I could never be a teacher.




No firearms allowed in school.

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Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need ...

My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist.

Just when I needed her the most.

I’ve been driving for Uber/Lyft full time for a few months now and my wrists are starting to hurt from turning the steering wheel so much.

I think I’m getting Car Pool Tunnel

I asked a police man if I could pee on his wrist.

He said “Not on my watch”

When I'm bored I love seeing how many different watches I can strap onto my wrists.

I have too much time on my hands.

I bought one of those anti-bullying charity wrist bands the other day

I say bought, I stole it off a fat ginger kid.

I decided to shave from my shoulder down to my wrists.

I wanted to exercise my right to bare arms.

Just Been Watching The Ladies Beach Volley Ball And There Has Already Been A Bad Wrist Injury,

I Should Be Okay By The Morning Though.

My Wife said she wanted a divorce.

Me: "Why? Is it because of my small wrists?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: *Takes of my bracelet* "here, take your ring back then"

Turned on women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury

Don't worry I'll be fine

My first time watching the women's Olympic vollyball last night, one minute in there was already a wrist injury.

I'm better today though, no worries.

My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.

I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.

Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time?

Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

What type of wrists are the scariest?

Terror wrists.

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An man goes to buy some Viagra.

He explains to the doctor that a couple of young girls are staying at his place for the weekend. The doctor sells him the pills, and sends him on his way. On Monday, the man comes back and asks for some painkillers. The doctor says, "What did you do to cause so much pain to your penis?" The man says...

Complained to my doctor about getting sore wrists every time I give my friends a ride through the underpass...

He told me I had carpool tunnel syndrome.

A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

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Ron goes to see his doctor about his sore wrist

The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the docto...

An elderly woman wins the lottery

Edith, 95 years old, a holocaust servivor, one day scoops big on a $250m jackpot.
She is asked on to her local radio station for an interview. She brings along her best friend Betty who was with her in a concentration camp.

When asked by the host what she is going to do with her winnings. ...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

Going to hospital

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."


"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly.


"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

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A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

Did you hear about the daredevil amputation doctor?

They say he’s a real wrist-taker!

Dad was always known for being harsh

- Dad, my watch fell from my wrist and stopped!
- What? Did you expect it to walk or something?

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.

It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.

One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

Buying a beer for Jesus

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walk into a bar and they see Jesus.

"Wow! That's really Jesus!" they say. "We should buy him a beer."

They walk up to Jesus and ask him: "Jesus, may we please buy you a beer?"

Jesus replies: "yes you may, my children."

Jesus drinks the...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

Thr golfer

Sorry if previously posted but one of my favorites still and I didn't see if after a brief search.


An old guy is about to marry a young hot girl and tells her he wants no secrets between them.
He says, "I am a golfer. I eat, sleep, dream and live for golf.

She admires his hones...

Meanwhile At The Pearly Gates

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.

"Name ?", said Jesus.

"Joseph."

"Occupation?"

"Carpenter."

Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"

"Yes."

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"

"Yes!"...

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An old salt walks into a harbor bar and sees a man he thinks he knows with a hook hand, a peg leg and an eye patch.

He says,"Ahoy, aren't you Cap'n Jones?", The old sea dog says,"Aye, Cap'n Jones I am." The tar says "I sailed with ye years ago. But last time I saw ye, ye were a whole man. What happened to your leg?" Jones answers "Lost it inna battle, cannonball took it off at the knee." "Surely bad, and how abo...

What‘s an Emos favorite sub?

/wrists

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Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

Why did the foot call the police?

Because the hand was under a wrist.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

Going to a psychic for a palm reading

-gives psychic hand

-psychic sees wrist

-"These lines are telling me you're depressed"

Two blokes are out driving in Saudi Arabia.

The driver has a row of stitches around both his wrists. His mate points at them and says, “I see you won your appeal then...”

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

A little boy is walking along the beach when he sees a pirate.

Excited, he runs up to the pirate and says "Mr Pirate! How did you get that peg leg?"

The pirate says "Argh, one day me ship was in a battle on the high seas, and a cannonball came over and lopped me off at the knee. Tis the life of a pirate."

The kid's eyes get really big, and he sa...

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I can see the future....

A man walks into his local pub for a pint after work. After being served his drink, he turns to find a table to sit down and enjoy his pint.
There are two tables free, one near the entrance and another towards the back. He opts for the one near the entrance, sits down, and takes a nice refreshing...

My masochist friend always gets himself intentionally arrested for minor crimes.

So that he could get off with a slap on the wrist.

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I had a rough time in Vegas last year and ended up losing all my money.

It was time to get back home, but I'd lost so much money, I couldn't afford to pay for a cab to the airport.

When I asked the only cabbie on the strip for a little mercy, and vowed to pay wire him the cash, or to give him the rolex on my wrist, he laughed, and spat in my face.

I did...

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A man was arrested for the sixth time for having sex with an unconscious prostitute.

At court, the judge always imposed of a fine of $250 and sent him on his way. The man's friend approached him one day and asked:

"How do you keep getting away with what you do with only a slap on the wrist?"

"It's the law," the man says. "It's only a misdemeanor."

So the friend ...

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Big Pussy

A woman walks into a bar and exclaims "I have the biggest pussy any of you have ever seen and I will give $100 to anyone who can reach the back of it." So a man immediately takes up the challenge. He reaches in with his fingers, then up to his wrist, then up to his elbow, until his arm is finally al...

It was my turn to drive in the car pool to work today.

After I picked up Steve we had to drive through a tunnel. There was a semi truck coming down the wrong lane and I had to swerve to miss him. When I got to work my wrist was hurting really bad. It must have been from that car pool tunnel.

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are adventuring in the jungles of the rainforest

Upon entering a clearing they are suddenly ambushed by a remote cannabalistic tribe. They are bound, gagged, and marched into the village.

They old tribe shaman emerges from his hut and approaches them slowly. He squares up to the brunette, cuts her bound wrists and says with broken English ...

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Three Mothers go to Therapy

After a 30 minutes of questions the therapist says "I've figured it out. You all have unhealthy obsessions that have taken over your lives." He turns to the first mother and says:

"You named your daughter Candy, and you're obsessed with sweets."

He turns to the second mother and says...

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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A man with a french mother and german father dies and goes to hell.

The devil tells him

"Since you are both french and german, I will let you choose between going to french hell or german hell!"

The man asks to see them first, so the devil takes him to french hell. People are standing in a never ending lake, up to their chin in sewage and chained by th...

A guy’s driving down the highway one day...

...when he sees a hitchhiker ahead. There’s hardly any traffic on the highway, and he figures that the poor guy will never get a ride, so he decides to help him out. After about 5 miles, the hitchhiker pulls a gun, and tells the driver that he won’t get hurt as long as he follows orders and doesn’t ...

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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The Pope was having a shower,

and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.


"Hol...

How do you silence an Italian?

Bind him by the wrists.

What'd the suicidal cop say to the knife?

You're under a wrist.

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I decided I wanted to be creative in coming out to my dad...

so one day I put on some makeup. When my dad came in I looked at him with a smile and said "I'm fucking Fabulous!"

He just stared at me and said "Stop doing that" before turning and leaving.

Figuring that I needed to be more clear, I did my hair up and put on some gorgeous nails. When ...

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The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges ...

Three men die on the same day, at the same time, at the same hotel

They are brought to the devil and all three insist that he is an innocent victim.

The first guys says, " I was staying with my wife in room 606. When I got back from work and opened the door, I noticed an unfamiliar set of men's shoes. My wife was out, so this must be a theif. I looked around...

3 men use the restroom...

2 of them use the urinals and start boasting to each other.

"I have this new watch that is the latest in technology. It is inserted in my skin on my wrist and shows the time without all the bulk and hassle of wearing one!" He shows his wrist to his buddy as it shows a digital readout of the ...

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

An Italian mobster gives his son a Beretta for his 18th birthday. "Carry it everywhere" he says as he hands it to him.

The next day, the son comes home without the gun, but is sporting a brand new Rolex on his wrist. The father asks him:

"Sona, where is the guna I gave you"

"I traded it ina for a Rolexa" says his son.

"YOU STUPIDA FOOLA!!" yells his dad "One day you will hopefully hava wifa. Ima...

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[LONG] So a senator dies...

and is transported to the lobby of a hotel where he is greeted by a red skinned man, dressed in a sharp cut suit and a warm inviting smile.

"Welcome to Hell!" He exclaims, rushing the man out of the marble clad lobby. "Before you ask me who I am, I am the Devil and I am most pleased to announ...

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A Little Kid Sees a Pirate on the Beach...

and walks up to him. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued, the kid asks, "how come you've got that peg for a foot?"

The pirate responds, "Aye, now that's a story. I was battlin' another ship with me crew, and a cannon ball flew straight toward me. Blew everythin' past...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

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guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their fingering must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

I think my mother might have robot hands.

I was talking to my neighbour and he said, "Man, your mum's amazing. She can bust a nut with a flick of her wrist."

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

A man insulted me, so I challenged him to a duel.

I took the first swing, but he parried and thrust his sword into my shoulder. "Ow!" I said, and swung at him again. Again, he parried and thrust, this time hitting me in the stomach. "Christ, man, are you ever going to go on the offensive?!" I shouted at him. He simply shrugged and invited me to com...

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[Oldie but an goldie] A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet...

While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the s...

The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.

Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then al...

People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology...

I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

You know why I Hate Carpools?

Everytime I go through a tunnel my wrist hurts.

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

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[Long]A man is having terrible headaches

So a man is having terrible headaches. These have been going on for years –and they just keep getting worse. When the headaches strike the poor man can’t work, he can’t sleep, he can’t bare light or sounds or even touch. The poor guy sees doctor after doctor and tries every therapy from yoga to pres...

Tom Swift's best moments.

"German sausage jokes are the wurst," Tom said frankly.

"I got cut in half," Tom said intuitively.

"I will never read Shakespeare," Tom said unwillingly.

"I lost my legs right under the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.

"Who turned out the lights?" Tom asked dimly.

"I ...

Viens a moi (NSFW)

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that...

There's an emo in my Web Development class, she's doing a website about jewellery

Her first page was /Wrists

The sadomasochist was arrested and put in front of a judge

he got off with a slap on the wrist

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A pirate walks into a bar..

Walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Bartender recognizes the man and gets him a round of his usual. He gives him his drink and says to the pirate, "How are you doing old friend? If you don't mind me asking, what happened with your leg? You had two good legs last time you were in here."

Pi...

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A Mother of three is sitting on her porch.

One of her daughters walks up to her and asks "Mommy, why am I named Rose?" Mommy replies with "because when you were very young, a rose fell on your head." Rose wonders off.

Her second daughter comes up looking puzzled and asks, "mommy, why am I named Daisy?" Mommy replies with "because whe...

A woman and a Rabbi

So, an old woman goes to her Rabbi and says "I just won a hundred million dollars in the lottery!"

Her Rabbi Replies "That is wonderful, what are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'm going to donate twenty five million dollars to charity."

"You will do so much good ...

Vladimir Putin is banning Brazzers saying it's bad for the psyche.

"Psyche". Now I know how to say 'wrist' in Russian!

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3 viagra

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says he needs 3 Viagra right away. The doctor asks why he needs 3 and the guy says "well my ex wife is coming over this morning, my wife will be home this afternoon, and I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight." The doctor agrees to give him 3, but says "I want to s...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

A man wakes up one morning to a terrible sound outside his bedroom window.

He walks over, pulls back the drapes, and sure enough, there's a giant silverback gorilla in his oak tree making all kinds of noise and shaking the branches. The man quickly reaches for the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. He gets a guy on the phone and explains the situation. The ser...

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