What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

"Hang on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!"

If your palm itches, you're going to get something.

If your crotch itches... you've already got it.

Your palm lines tells a lot about you...

but your Browser history tells everything.

Going to a psychic for a palm reading

-gives psychic hand

-psychic sees wrist

-"These lines are telling me you're depressed"

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

I bet a lady I met in the bar I could tell where she was born by reading her palm.

After looking over her hand and asking silly questions for a minute I told her my answer, a hospital!

After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.

He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what it feels like."

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple

Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.

In the novel Dracula, the namesake has three wives and hairy palms

Apparently undead bigamists have the same marriage issues as the rest of us.

Yesterday I glued my palms to the kitchen floor

It's hands-down the best decision I've ever made

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

What do you call a duck that falls out of a palm tree?

A quackanut

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

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Why do black people have white palms?

There's a little bit of good in everybody

A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

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I went to see a palm reader.

"Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently."

"Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.


As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

Palm Sunday

A day that single men thank their palms for all the good work they did this past year...

Ok so there's this guy called Nate Palm

and every morning at work, there's this woman who always lingers around him, but in the afternoons she doesn't. She continues to do this for months and co workers find it bizarre that she's so attached to him in the mornings, yet so distanced from him in the afternoons. One day, one of the co worker...

I was wondering why I had pentagrams on my palms.

Then I remembered: I've been using hand satanizer.

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Alien sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subjec...

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What do you have if you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.

What fruit fits best in your palm?

a palm-agranate!

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A scholar and the village drunkard gets into a friendly competition of who's smarter...

The people gather at the field outside of the village waiting for the showdown to take place.

The scholar says, "The rules are simple, we both will communicate each other without using words. Once one person cannot interpret the other, he loses."

The two met in face to face while othe...

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

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Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing f...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

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Why do black people have white palms? (NSFW)

Because everybody needs a little good in them.

*Found in my Spanish text book in 6th grade... kids man

A nude guy was running to catch up with a bus

He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a nude passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."

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My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms and no dates.

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Some neighbours had just moved in to the house next-door so we invited them over to our house for a meal,

We were having a barbeque outside in the garden as it was a nice sunny day, and as the family had small kids we let the dog out to play.

I had been talking to the father, a really nice guy in his 40s, like me, when he told me that he actually worked as the professor of logic at the local uni...

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A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

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An old man gets a call from the IRS

The IRS agent questions the old man about large sums of money going in and out of his bank account, so they end up setting an appointment the next day to discuss in further detail. The old man agrees, and then hires a lawyer just to make sure everything going smooth at the appointment.

So th...

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A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

3 war heroes come back from 'nam...

An officer approaches the heroes and says "For your valiant effort and heroic action i will give you a monetary reward. Pick 2 points on your body i will measure the distance between the points and give you $10 for every inch between them."

The first man thinks hard then says "i choose the ti...

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.

The son lifts his face from his palms and...

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Why is semen good as hair product

Because its palm made

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

My friend told this very NSFW joke during some TV recording training, got asked to tell something different.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

Satan's Test

A rapist, thief, and murderer are standing in front of Satan as he sits on his throne.

"I've summoned you three here because I was feeling a bit kind today. I'll give each of you a chance to leave Hell. All you have to do is pass my test," Satan says. Of course, he designed his test such that...

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A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

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A penis, a vagina and set of boobs visits the local court for justice...

Judge walks in and is shocked looking at the parties today..

"Penis, you may go first - you are the biggest among others" - orders the judge.

"I need justice, my lord. I am not treated well you see. Some people rub me violently with their palms. Some people puts me inside different dir...

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My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients

He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, “open this door and you are free to leave through it.” The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watch...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you a...

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At the regular Sunday morning service

Rev Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provid...

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A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

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My 65 year old mum bought one of those sphynx cats the other day.

Now she's going around telling everyone about her new bald pussy!

True

Mother

Fucking

Story!!

Face-palm!

Gave a sales pitch at a petting zoo today

They were eating out the palm of my hand

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals.

We did, however, want to let each of you kn...

My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrific logging injury,

so I asked him do you get half off when you get your palm read?

What did I do wrong?

My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving...

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A man notices a huge wristwatch in his friend's garden

A man notices a huge wristwatch, towering everything, in his friend's garden .
"What's with this giant wristwatch here ?", the visitor says.

The man smiles and says :
"Oh, I got it thanks to this magic lamp ! You can try it if you want !"

The man gives the Aladdin-li...

The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.

When he was summon...

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Funny little story

A cowboy named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in eastern Oregon when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "...

The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

What tree gives the best high-fives?

A PALM tree!

Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska

There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

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A young man sees an old monk

A young man sees an old monk lovingly planting date seeds in his garden, next to his small hut.

A date palm can take almost 15-20 years before it begins to produce fruit. The young man is curious why this old monk is planting date palms.

He approaches the monk, expecting a wonderful d...

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She checked out of this hotel really quick...

Last week, a young woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "Ill call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
 

She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling hi...

3 men use the restroom...

2 of them use the urinals and start boasting to each other.

"I have this new watch that is the latest in technology. It is inserted in my skin on my wrist and shows the time without all the bulk and hassle of wearing one!" He shows his wrist to his buddy as it shows a digital readout of the ...

A man sitting at a bar notices another guy taking to his hand

He was holding his hand to his face and talking into it like a cell phone. He tried to ignore it, but after a while his curiosity got the best of him and he decided to investigate.

"Hey man, what are you doing there?" he asked.

"Oh, sorry, I know this must look pretty weird, but I was ...

An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: ree...