If your palm itches you’re going to get something

If your crotch itches, you’ve already got it

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

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A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Why is that palm tree reading out your dead grandfather's will?

Isn't it obvious? He's the Exeggutor of the estate.

Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.

"Ah", said the mystic. "One year from now I see great glory in your future.

Two years from now I see even greater glory.

Three years from now the glory is joined by love.

However I must warn you that past that I can read nothing of your future."

At this the dictator gets...

Why did the Palm tree get so lonely?

Because it didn't have any fronds.

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

If palm oil comes from palms, and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from?

North Korea

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I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

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An elderly monk is tending to his garden when a young student comes by.

The student notices that the ancient monk is planting date palms. Curious, he thinks, for the date palm is known for its long fruiting time, and those the monk is planting today will take at least 7 years to bear any fruit. He approaches the monk and asks, "why do you plant these dates when you know...

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

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I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely"

I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand"

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"

The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."

"That's great! What's the ba...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

The wife complains to the husband...

Wife: I already have blisters on my palms because of the broom

Husband: Next time try to go by car

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

Your palm lines tells a lot about you...

but your Browser history tells everything.

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

What do you call a musician palm?

Palm Cartney

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Today is Palm Sunday!

As far as Easter foreshadowing goes, I think they nailed it.

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise.

He has the time of his life until the boat
sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man
looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He
asks her where she’s come from.

"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I’ve been stranded on the
other sid...

What do you call a palm tree that wants to be a rapper?

Slim Shady.

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

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I went to see a palm reader.

"Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently."

"Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."

As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple

Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.

After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.

He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what it feels like."

Mothers have Mother's Day, fathers have father's Day, couples have valentine's Day

And I have palm Sunday.

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.


As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...

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What do you have if you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?

Kermit's undivided attention.

Going to a psychic for a palm reading

-gives psychic hand

-psychic sees wrist

-"These lines are telling me you're depressed"

Yesterday I glued my palms to the kitchen floor

It's hands-down the best decision I've ever made

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

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Two Irish men were digging a great, big hole

After a few hours of digging, the one Irish man turned to the other and said, "I wonder who died this time, this will be an expensive grave."

To which the other replied, "Yes, and our boss is a real arsehole. While we dig our butts off, he probably sits in his office, sipping bloody tea! It's...

An Ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon...

An ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon and they present to him the leaves of a short native palm tree. They tell him that these leaves can be brewed into a tea that is a powerful laxative.

He says, "well, in extreme cases, do you ever have to resort to giving an en...

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Why are black man's palms white?

Because they are always leaning against cop cars.

I bet a lady I met in the bar I could tell where she was born by reading her palm.

After looking over her hand and asking silly questions for a minute I told her my answer, a hospital!

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

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Why do black people have white on their palms?

There's a little bit of good in everybody.

My take on a classic.

Donald Trump visited a fortune teller one day. He walked in past all the mystic objects and sat down. The Teller read his palm, flipped her tarot cards, and stared into her crystal ball with a pensive look on her face. "What, what are you staring at?" The Donald asked with sweat on his brow.
<...

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

What fruit fits best in your palm?

a palm-agranate!

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

Ok so there's this guy called Nate Palm

and every morning at work, there's this woman who always lingers around him, but in the afternoons she doesn't. She continues to do this for months and co workers find it bizarre that she's so attached to him in the mornings, yet so distanced from him in the afternoons. One day, one of the co worker...

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Princess and the frog.

A frog decides to visit a fortune teller to find out if he'll ever find his princess. The fortune teller reads his palm and after a few brief moments of contemplation, begins her reading. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" The frog, anxious for the possibilit...

A guy in a train lets a loud fart

He puts his two hands together, crossing his fingers and claps the palm of his hands to imitate the sound of a fart.
Another passenger asks: "How do you do the smell?"

A guy met a girl at a bar and things went well so he took her home...

As they start going at it, she says, "try and stick a finger in my ass"! So he reaches around and "pop", his finger slides right in.

She decides to be a little more adventurous, "ok, now try and get your whole hand in there" and sure enough "Pop" his whole hand slides right up in there.
<...

Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It is called face palm

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Why do black people have white palms? (NSFW)

Because everybody needs a little good in them.

*Found in my Spanish text book in 6th grade... kids man

I was wondering why I had pentagrams on my palms.

Then I remembered: I've been using hand satanizer.

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My girlfriend once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

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My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms, no dates.

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

A guy gave me a badass eagle tattoo in my crotch region for $50.

It looked so sick that I asked him to give me a matching tattoo in the palm of my hand so I could show it to everyone, but he said this one would cost $100. He said, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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A couple and the captain of a charter boat got stranded on a deserted island...

There was one solitary palm tree so the husband and the captain would take turns on a daily basis climbing the tree and searching for ships. Several days go by and the captain is starting to get horney. He comes up with a plan. When it's his turn to scout out ships he looks down from the palm tree a...

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

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