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Palm Jokes

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

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I went to see a palm reader today

He said "looking at your palms i can see you masturbate frequently".

"Sorry" i said "i probably should have wiped that off first ".

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

"Think before you jump," I said, my palms sweating. "It might not be the right decision..."

"You take bouncy castles too seriously," my son replied.

Palm trees don’t provide much shade

That’s why they’re fronds without benefits.

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Why is that palm tree reading out your grandfather's will?

Isn't it obvious? He's the Exeggutor of the estate.

If your palm itches you’re going to get something

If your crotch itches, you’ve already got it

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I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

Kim Jong Un went to get his palm read.

"Ah", said the mystic. "One year from now I see great glory in your future.

Two years from now I see even greater glory.

Three years from now the glory is joined by love.

However I must warn you that past that I can read nothing of your future."

At this the dictator gets...

What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree?

facepalm

A wise oldman was planting a date palm...

A boy approaches and asks:


- Wise oldman, why are you planting such tree if it's highly unlikely that you live enough to see it bear fruits?


The wise oldman look at the boy and smiled:


- Why don't you go f**k yourself and mind your own business? The terrain is mine a...

For Palm Sunday Sister Agnes wanted to bring a lovely bouquet of anemones.

However, the sanctuary was already decorated with palm branches. The pastor said, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely"

I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand"

What type of tree fits in the palm of your hand?

A seedling


If you thought a palm tree... well... I don’t know what to tell you

If palm oil comes from palms, and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from?

North Korea

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

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I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to get his palm read.

He asks her, "so, what's my fortune?"

The fortune teller says to him, " I have good news and I have bad news.

The good news is that soon, you will meet a beautiful young girl who will find great interest in you, and she is going to steal your heart."

"That's great! What's the ba...

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My wife once gave up sex for lent

I learnt the true meaning of Palm Sunday

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

Your palm lines tells a lot about you...

but your Browser history tells everything.

When I'm bored I like to sprinkle dried herbs into my palms

I have way too much thyme on my hands.

What do you call a musician palm?

Palm Cartney

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

Today is Palm Sunday!

As far as Easter foreshadowing goes, I think they nailed it.

What do you call a palm tree that wants to be a rapper?

Slim Shady.

How do you know a palm tree is getting old?

It’s coconuts hang lower than its trunk.

As the kidnapper trotted towards the dark woods hands firmly grasped on a small sweaty palm he felt a reluctance, looking down he saw the boy trembling.

"What's wrong buddy?" He asked genially


"I'm scared" said the boy fighting back tears


"You think you are scared?.. i have to walk out of these woods alone."

I have three dogs named Oak, Palm and Maple

Don't be scared to approach them. They're **all bark but no bite**.

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4 nuns died and went to heaven

The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun "have you held a phallus" and the nun said "accidentally I touched the tip once" and the angel said "wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared", the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun sai...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your coconuts, this ain't gonna be your average blowjob.


As told to me by a passing homeless man yesterday...

Ok so there's this guy called Nate Palm

and every morning at work, there's this woman who always lingers around him, but in the afternoons she doesn't. She continues to do this for months and co workers find it bizarre that she's so attached to him in the mornings, yet so distanced from him in the afternoons. One day, one of the co worker...

A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

His palms are sweaty...

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already.

WebMD: *TYPHOID FEVER*

I bet a lady I met in the bar I could tell where she was born by reading her palm.

After looking over her hand and asking silly questions for a minute I told her my answer, a hospital!

Going to a psychic for a palm reading

-gives psychic hand

-psychic sees wrist

-"These lines are telling me you're depressed"

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

Palm Sunday

A day that single men thank their palms for all the good work they did this past year...

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

I was wondering why I had pentagrams on my palms.

Then I remembered: I've been using hand satanizer.

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years.....

...One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing ei...

RIP Don Denkinger (for Royals and Cardinals fans)

Please put your hand over your heart for a moment of silence, and then extend both arms out to your sides, palms down.

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The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

I took my son to the fair on the weekend…

…and we we’re having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said “She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.”

Being the great dad I am, on the way...

Why did the psychic carry a book to the top of a tree on the beach?

To practice palm reading.

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

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My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

It’s basically just intolerable heat, two palms, no dates and lots of emptiness.

(OC)

Two siblings are arguing, then one puts his hand level with his head and says “I’ve had it up to hear with you.”

The second sibling steps back takes a breath and speaks. “You know what? Fine.” He leaves, and years later is set to go to the moon. Once there on the televised broadcast he tells his brother, with his palm facing the earth, “I’ve had it to here.”

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

What tree gives the best high-fives?

A PALM tree!

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There's a Psychic convention.

All the psychics are there. Palm readers, Crystal Ball people, phone psychics. So the speaker says "has anybody here ever seen a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up.
He says "has anybody here ever talked to a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up again.
He gets right down to the last que...

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